nichtdaisy
New member
Hi, Folks. I am newish here.
I've been in a pretty good relationship for a while with a male partner. It started out as FWB for a couple of years, which means we had no monogamous expectations, and we drifted in and out of each others' lives as lovers (but always remained friends). Two years ago, we started another lover-chapter, but this one has stuck. We are definitely in a serious relationship, and in many ways, it has been great.
All of this time, we have said that we are in an open relationship, but we never had reason to practice it. We were fulfilled by each other, and there wasn't much opportunity outside the relationship. That changed over the summer. I figured out that he wanted to date someone, and I was as amused as I was surprised. I asked him to confirm. He did. We talked about it... talked about reopening up the relationship in practice, set all sorts of rules, and I gave him my blessing. It was tacitly agreed that we wouldn't share details with each other unless a new partnership would be emotional as well as sexual. I never heard anything more. I checked in with him a month later, and he said that he dropped that pursuit. He realized, that for him, practicing non-monogamy with me was challenging, and he didn't want to rock the boat.
A few months later, I reunited with a former lover; we started talking and emailing all the time, and it wasn't long before we decided that we wanted to resume being lovers. He and I had a not-so-great period a few years ago where we snuck around to be lovers, and I want a new chapter to be more open and honest. I know that this new relationship will only be sexual, on top of the casual friendship we maintain. It will not chip into the emotional and day-to-day bond I have with my primary guy. It took me a while to screw up the courage to talk to my primary guy, but I did. I said, its now my turn to want to do this. I want to tell you my intention so I don't have to lie about it. It will only be about sex. Is this ok? What assurances do you need from me to feel loved and supported while I explore this?
I was surprised that my primary guy was taken aback my my request. He felt very threatened, I guess. He tried to give me his blessing, but I could tell that it didn't sit right with him. He said that he didn't want to know who it was, but still pressed and guessed until he figured it out. Its not someone whom he ever crosses paths with. He was avoidant and angry for a few days. He then came back to me, apologized for being so jealous, but said that he really isn't ready for me to do this. He proposed that I either drop it, or go out of my way to completely hide it from him. He would rather be in denial, he said.
he has lots of stress in his life right now. Unemployed, broke... that has caused some stress between us which has taken a toll on our romantic life, which may explain why my old flame seems tempting right now. But, I am also sensitive to the stress which I have put him under.
I didn't give him a clear verbal answer to this request, but was able for a couple of weeks to set my desires aside and help him through an interview and other job search struggles. I feel I am doing all I can to be there for him.
But, I have kept up my flirtation and my friendship with my old flame. It really sucks to have to lie to my primary guy when I have hung out with my old flame and his kids, as friends. it feels really gross. I want to be honest with my primary guy.
Have any of you been in this situation when trying to open or re-open a relationship? Any words of advice for how I can help my primary guy feel supported and loved? How to be honest with out flaunting my other connection? How to share that I think that honesty is the most loving thing I can do? Lying sucks!
I have yet to progress to sex with my old flame, but I really want to go there. It seems inevitable, and I want to give honesty another stab with my primary guy before I make the mistake of trying to lie about it.
I've been in a pretty good relationship for a while with a male partner. It started out as FWB for a couple of years, which means we had no monogamous expectations, and we drifted in and out of each others' lives as lovers (but always remained friends). Two years ago, we started another lover-chapter, but this one has stuck. We are definitely in a serious relationship, and in many ways, it has been great.
All of this time, we have said that we are in an open relationship, but we never had reason to practice it. We were fulfilled by each other, and there wasn't much opportunity outside the relationship. That changed over the summer. I figured out that he wanted to date someone, and I was as amused as I was surprised. I asked him to confirm. He did. We talked about it... talked about reopening up the relationship in practice, set all sorts of rules, and I gave him my blessing. It was tacitly agreed that we wouldn't share details with each other unless a new partnership would be emotional as well as sexual. I never heard anything more. I checked in with him a month later, and he said that he dropped that pursuit. He realized, that for him, practicing non-monogamy with me was challenging, and he didn't want to rock the boat.
A few months later, I reunited with a former lover; we started talking and emailing all the time, and it wasn't long before we decided that we wanted to resume being lovers. He and I had a not-so-great period a few years ago where we snuck around to be lovers, and I want a new chapter to be more open and honest. I know that this new relationship will only be sexual, on top of the casual friendship we maintain. It will not chip into the emotional and day-to-day bond I have with my primary guy. It took me a while to screw up the courage to talk to my primary guy, but I did. I said, its now my turn to want to do this. I want to tell you my intention so I don't have to lie about it. It will only be about sex. Is this ok? What assurances do you need from me to feel loved and supported while I explore this?
I was surprised that my primary guy was taken aback my my request. He felt very threatened, I guess. He tried to give me his blessing, but I could tell that it didn't sit right with him. He said that he didn't want to know who it was, but still pressed and guessed until he figured it out. Its not someone whom he ever crosses paths with. He was avoidant and angry for a few days. He then came back to me, apologized for being so jealous, but said that he really isn't ready for me to do this. He proposed that I either drop it, or go out of my way to completely hide it from him. He would rather be in denial, he said.
he has lots of stress in his life right now. Unemployed, broke... that has caused some stress between us which has taken a toll on our romantic life, which may explain why my old flame seems tempting right now. But, I am also sensitive to the stress which I have put him under.
I didn't give him a clear verbal answer to this request, but was able for a couple of weeks to set my desires aside and help him through an interview and other job search struggles. I feel I am doing all I can to be there for him.
But, I have kept up my flirtation and my friendship with my old flame. It really sucks to have to lie to my primary guy when I have hung out with my old flame and his kids, as friends. it feels really gross. I want to be honest with my primary guy.
Have any of you been in this situation when trying to open or re-open a relationship? Any words of advice for how I can help my primary guy feel supported and loved? How to be honest with out flaunting my other connection? How to share that I think that honesty is the most loving thing I can do? Lying sucks!
I have yet to progress to sex with my old flame, but I really want to go there. It seems inevitable, and I want to give honesty another stab with my primary guy before I make the mistake of trying to lie about it.