Question about career choice or lack thereof

JadeDoor

New member
I see a lot of threads (been looking around all day, thanks!) where people talk about doing the work to get over your own issues, let go of things, and grow and mature. To do that I think a big part is having your own interests, your own life.

While I feel I have a life and many interests, a lot of those revolve around being in my home. I'm a stay-at-home-mom. I worked for 14 years and then when I was pregnant I quit my job to be home with my child and with my stepkids. I've been a SAHM for nearly four years now. I love it. Wouldn't change a thing.

But how do you think that plays into the "finding yourself" and discovering your own interests and such? Most of my life revolves around the kids, but I have other things I enjoy too of course. And hubby and I have a rule that on date nights with each other we don't talk about the kids. :)

How do you think being a SAHM and being in a rather small world of mostly my house would factor into this lifestyle? Just curious for varying opinions. Thanks!
 
I've been a SAHM for nearly four years now... hubby and I have a rule that on date nights with each other we don't talk about the kids.

That's an interesting conundrum, why did you decide you wanted to have a "no kid talk" rule in your relations with your partner on date night? That puts you in a bit of a precarious position, was that your idea?
 
That's an interesting conundrum, why did you decide you wanted to have a "no kid talk" rule in your relations with your partner on date night? That puts you in a bit of a precarious position, was that your idea?

actually it was my rule. :) I wanted to make sure that when we get out of the house without the kids we took the time to discuss other things that matter to us. we can talk about the kids when he gets home from work.

I'd rather talk about current events, books we've read, movies we enjoyed.
 
I'd rather talk about current events, books we've read, movies we enjoyed.

Sounds like fun.

However, this being the case, I'm not sure I understand what your concern is? Can you be a bit more explicit about what your are searching for from this thread?
 
hmmm. I think my main concern is that as a SAHM my world is mostly within the house. or online. Wouldn't that limit this self growth that people are seeking? I wonder what I would bring to the table in terms of interests and such as so much of my life is spent with kids. haha
 
I have been a sahm for years. It actually has the benefit of allowing me to be more real with myself, my life and my potential dates.

I also have a "no kid talk" rule during dates with hubby. :)
It's a chance for us to DATE again-instead of focus on our job as parents. ;)

I don't think being a sahm has to be a negative or a positive thing regarding poly. It does mean you need to be AWARE and actually PLAN to go do things without the kids.

I have a rule for myself, I don't date people who haven't already become "friends of the family" anyway. Until I know that they are on par as friends, can understand and personally accept my dedication to my kids, and my partners-they aren't an option as someone for me to date.
My kids are my world, so people need to be able to be kid-friendly before dating me would be realistic. :)
 
hmmm. I think my main concern is that as a SAHM my world is mostly within the house. or online. Wouldn't that limit this self growth that people are seeking? I wonder what I would bring to the table in terms of interests and such as so much of my life is spent with kids. haha

I don't know... what do you bring to the table?

Do you have interests? Friends? Hobbies? If not I'm still really curious exactly what your plan was when you excluded from your date night the one topic you have ANY input on.

Is your post a request to help you find interests?
 
As a SAHM myself I can 100% relate to your situation. I started life as a non-monogamous being straight out of the gates and had tried for years off and on to be mono. Then one day Crux and I's life changed. Pregnant. We were mono for 6 years until I realized I didn't even know who I was anymore. I felt segregated to the mommy life and had a need for time off from them. Even Crux said i was more than welcome to go out and have friends but i didnt.
After discovering this site I determined I was poly. I love Crux dearly and he's been so good with all of this. I am much happier and balanced now I find because I am making new attachments that keep me in the real world not just in mommy land. My children are and always will be número UNO in my books but now I have a reason to hit the coffee shops to gab with new friends and dates to go on.
It's really been paramount, this discovery.

Hope this helps :)
 
I'm still really curious exactly what your plan was when you excluded from your date night the one topic you have ANY input on.

When I was married, and for most of my friends who are parents, it can sometimes become ALL you talk about. You both share the interest, yes, but it becomes about the kids and nothing about you anymore. Over time, you can end up having a harder time relating to each other on non-kid issues.

I can see the allure in having date nights where you have to find something ELSE to talk about... you get to remember who you are again, and how you relate as a couple, rather than as co-parents.
 
I can see the allure in having date nights where you have to find something ELSE to talk about... you get to remember who you are again, and how you relate as a couple, rather than as co-parents.

I dig all of that. The problem (if this is really a problem) is that there isn't much to talk about on date night because that's how it was designed. I'm just curious as to what the goal of this thread is.

If the date night rule is not to discuss "x"... I suggest finding something other than "x" that you are interested in. Is there another plan?
 
Aha. I misunderstood your question (not that I'm the OP or anything)...

OP, it sounds like you're concerned that since most of your life is centered around being at home, that maybe you don't bring enough other interests to the table? I think Marcus' question pokes at this a little bit - if you find stuff to talk about with hubby, then you probably have these same interests to share with anyone else as well.

Honestly, what you provide to "the lifestyle" is YOU. The person you are.

(And honestly, I don't feel this is a Poly vs. Mono thing - I'm sure some single, mono parents feel the same way)
 
OP has designated the no kids talk on dates because I'd imagine its all they discuss at home. It's the same way here. Crux gets home and darn near gets a play by play of the days activities, LOL.

And there's ALWAYS something to talk about. Especially if you're only reconnecting date wise on a weekly basis. Tons of shit happens in the stretch of a week!
 
OP has designated the no kids talk on dates because I'd imagine its all they discuss at home. It's the same way here. Crux gets home and darn near gets a play by play of the days activities, LOL.

No doubt that's true. Might need something to jump start the system to get out of that line of thinking. Like, have a date night where you race go carts or some other adventure. If the OP isn't into adrenaline, maybe something which requires precision and focus like golf or pool.

If activities are not your bag then sit down together and watch the same TV program or read each other a book.

Seriously though, if not talking about the days events is the goal then you need to come up with some new events... otherwise you're just staring at each other *thinking* about the days events and not allowed to talk about them.
 
You got er Pontiac.
I try to exnay going to a movie two weeks in a row for numerous reasons. Reasons like, you get shushed if you talk in movies and people really don't wanna see you guys all over each other. I speak from experience ;)
Next week, we are going to a clay cafe in town to make something together. Whether we mould and paint two separate things or do the same one I think it'll be fun. Besides, playful banter, water, paint and paintbrushes? Sweet. Add in one not so grown up me nd you've got war.

There's creative things to do everywhere. I'd suggest hitting up the meet-up page in your area and see what everyone else on there does. It's certainly helped here!!
 
I'm a SAHM too and have been in your shoes many times. The key is to find a hobby. I did a cake decorating class, have done photography workshops, and go to coffee with my friends. I joined a mommy group in my state and that helped a ton. I also decided to go back to school. My youngest will start kindergarten in two years and we're not having more...I felt I needed a career when that time comes. Good luck to you!
 
Go online, meet people, arrange to go on a date, tell your husband he needs to have the kids because you have a date.
 
Thank you so much for all the advice. It's nice to hear from other people who are SAHMs too.

And yes, like others said, kids can become ALL you talk about and that gets frustrating. My husband walks in the door, gets a hug and a kiss, and then a "You will not believe what SS9 and SS8 fought about today. Oh and then DS3 decided to cover himself in peanut butter and hug the dog."
Yea, it's funny for five minutes, but then.... lol

Marcus, I feel like maybe having not been in my situation, my question seemed too simplistic for you. Yes, I agree with you that whatever I discuss with my husband on dates, I could most likely transfer over to when I talk to other people. I do, after all, have friends as well.

I think what I was looking for was what I found from some other SAHMs who have "been there". Suggestions of activities, knowing that I am not limited simply because I"m not out in the work force, etc.

So this was helpful to me, even if the question may have seemed confusing. :)
 
Marcus, I feel like maybe having not been in my situation, my question seemed too simplistic for you. So this was helpful to me, even if the question may have seemed confusing. :)

I am not a believer in the idea that someone has to have the exact experience being discussed in order to have a valid opinion. We have perfectly valid opinions about all sorts of things that we have never personally experienced.

For the record, I wasn't trying to run you down about your thread, I just couldn't identify what the point was but I was curious to find out.
 
I am not a believer in the idea that someone has to have the exact experience being discussed in order to have a valid opinion. We have perfectly valid opinions about all sorts of things that we have never personally experienced.

For the record, I wasn't trying to run you down about your thread, I just couldn't identify what the point was but I was curious to find out.

No worries. :)
 
Well, I assume you are not chained inside your home with the kids just because you're a SAHM. Are you homeschooling, too? And just because you are a SAHM, and maybe even homeschooling, it does not mean you are never allowed to hire a babysitter so you can go and do something fun during the daytime where kids would not be involved, does it? Meet a girlfriend for lunch, have a spa day, visit a museum, go shopping, do a little sightseeing, take a pottery class, whatever. I wouldn't even think about polyamory and having additional relationships if you are not comfortable doing things like that for yourself. Not too many people, I don't think, would want to be someone's only escape from parenting duties. Potential partners would more likely enjoy being with a well-rounded person who has their own interests besides being a parent. Even a SAHM can spare a few hours for herself a few times a week, no?

There are play dates and classes you can take with the kids, but I would think it would be equally as important to find stuff for you to do without them that would allow you to stretch your wings and grow as a multi-hued and interesting human being, not solely a mother and wife, and to be able to carry on adult conversations with other adults. So, ask yourself what interests you, look up some local events, call a few friends, hire someone to babysit, and get out there!
 
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