Searching for answers from the Poly world

anapoly08

New member
Hello Poly Family,

I have decided to conduct a study and write a research paper on Polyamory. I hold the upmost respect for the Polyamourous community and am hoping to inform those who have misconceptions of Polyamory. Since polyamory is such a broad topic my professor has asked me to narrow it down to a more specific area. With that said, I have decided to focus my paper on polyamory and money management. Is there anyone who would be willing to answer some questions for my research paper? it would be a great help and also give a clear perspective for my paper coming directly from the inside of the Polyamourous community. The questions are very simple and direct for ex:

How long have you been together?Who has the most decision-making power and why?
Do you share bank accounts?
What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships?When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? How does that determine the budget of the evening?
Etc.

Thank you so much I look forward to hearing from you all:)
 
Also, if you have specific questions in mind, then you might consider creating a standardized survey with SurveyMonkey. That way, you can more easily structure your data plus enable responses to be submitted anonymously.
 
Updated information on Poly research

Certainly, sorry I should of included all of this information. I attend the University of North Texas, my major is communications and I am an undergrad. I actually graduate this May so this is my last paper (hooray). I am really enthusiastic about this paper because my professor has never been presented with this research topic before so she is excited to read this. I am looking into surveymonkey I was unaware of this site. However I would only need to know if you are a male or female and your age as far as demographics and of course the answer to the questions.

Please let me know if you are interested and rather its via survey monkey or a private message I will forward you the direct questions. Thank You
 
May I also suggest the questions "how many partners do you have that you live with?"

Five single persons dating five other single persons each for example, all have complete financial autonomy from each other, which would slate a data trend one way, wheras a sextuple of three couples sharing a house with four of them working would slate it another way.
 
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You can feel free to message me with the survey link, but why don't you just post it here? It seems like that would be the easiest thing.
 
Here are my research questions

Your right it is much easier to post them on here. The only demographics I ask for are your gender and age.

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group?

2. How many partners do you have that you live with?

3. How long have you been together?

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Why?

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power?

6. Do you share bank accounts?

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships?

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group?

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? How does that determine the budget of the evening?

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship?

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship?

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? If you are not happy, how would you change it?

Again thank you so much for your participation this means a great deal for me and will definitely help with my research paper.
 
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I have a question about Question #7. Which gender dynamics are you asking about? Are you asking from a purely money management stand-point? And, comparing to "those" in mono relationships- I'm not sure that's answerable. Mono relationships can run the gamut in gender dynamics as well, in a M/F couple or a same-sex couple. I could answer your question that yes, my gender dynamics with MC and TGIB are the same as if I were in a mono relationship with each of them, but I couldn't tell you how those gender dynamics would compare to other mono couples.

I can work on answering the other questions, but I need some guidance for #7, thanks!
 
The only demographics I ask for are your gender and age.

Female, 38

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group?

me, my husband, my boyfriend - depending on how you define "polyamorous group" I have two "friends with benefits" that I have been with in the past and may be with again in the future.

2. How many partners do you have that you live with?

I live with my husband and my boyfriend.

3. How long have you been together?

I have been with my husband for 20 years, married for 16. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year. I have been with my FWBs intermittently for 19 and 6 years.

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Why?

I have never considered my relationship with my husband to be monogamous, although for long stretches of time it was functionally so (i.e. neither of us actively seeing anyone else).

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power?

Um, "descision-making power" about what?

I make the financial decisions (savings, insurance, retirement, etc) with input from my husband. Major decisions (buying a house or car) are made jointly with my husband. I make investment decisions. Personal Finance and Investing are a hobby for me - I enjoy it and he doesn't. Therefore it's my job.

My husband and boyfriend make decisions about house maintenance, car care, appliance/electronic/computer purchases depending on their areas of expertise and subject to my estimation of affordability.

6. Do you share bank accounts?

My husband and I share our accounts. He also has his own "fun money account" (transferred out of our joint account monthly and supplemented by any incidental income he generates). My boyfriend keeps his own money separate (if he has any:rolleyes:).

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships?

I'm not sure what gender roles people in monogamous relationships "stick to"...

I go to work, pay the bills and take care of the household finances/investing.

The boys take care of the cars, house, pets, errands, shopping, cooking etc.

Theoretically we all should be taking care of cleaning - in practice none of us do (this place is a MESS!)

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group?

It doesn't.

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? How does that determine the budget of the evening?

If we are going out socially we either all go, or just the people who are interested. (i.e. my husband and boyfriend may go to the bar to watch the hockey game or go to the casino without me since I am not interested, I may go to a movie or dinner with one or the other or both depending on who is interested). If my husband is along he pays out of his "fun money account" otherwise I pay.

I take my husband to work functions, also most family functions.

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship?

I keep them posted as to the general state of our finances and ask them to scale back if money is tighter. They consult with me before making major purchases.

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship?

Yes, as above.

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? If you are not happy, how would you change it?

My issues with the finances stem from the fact that we have not yet sold our old house (the boys still have some contracting work to do on it for me) and we recently had major expenses associated with one of our cars. I'm satisfied with our current set-up with regard to day-to-day finances.
 
The only demographics I ask for are your gender and age.

Female-bodied female, 26.

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group? I am one leg of a vee with CielDuMatin (the hinge, male, poly) + our metamour (other leg, female, mono).

2. How many partners do you have that you live with? None. They live together; she has boundaries around other people living with them, and I'm okay with it. She's deathly allergic to cats and I will never not have any. ;) I live with my parents due to a disabling illness.

3. How long have you been together? CdM and I are going on four years.

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Why? Nope. The two of us have been poly from the start. I look awfully monogamous right now, but I have Things Going On that make dating the way I prefer to date difficult.

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power? Within each dyad, decisions are made mutually. If something comes up that affects all three, we have a good long talk and come as close to consensus as possible.

6. Do you share bank accounts? No.

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships? What gender dynamics? We are who we are. I'd say if anything, we're both more stereotypically feminine than masculine, and we like it that way. I suppose he knows more about cars, mainly because I had nothing to do with them until two years ago and he has been driving for at least twenty.

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group? As long as you manage what you have responsibly, we'll probably get along well. I have all of seven thousand dollars and a twelve-year-old car to my name. I live within my means; my only debt is my student loans, and it's understood that I need that debt in order to avoid worse debt in the future. (You know, so I can get a job.) We all know the value of a dollar (Canadian and American; also pounds and Euros), and I don't think I could be with people who didn't.

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? How does that determine the budget of the evening? Whose interest is it? Where is the event? Typically we go by whose budget has the least wiggle room. With only three of us, and me living two hours away from them, there are limited permutations; it's really less complicated than one might suppose.

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship? We really don't have money issues beyond "who's buying dinner?" and "how much do I spend on your birthday/Christmas present?" Those are solved by talking.

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship? ...see #10.

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? If you are not happy, how would you change it? Look, in an ideal world, I'd have married him solely for his health insurance. I don't think I care otherwise. I'm... coping, they're solvent, all's well. If something changes, we'll handle it as we handle every other major issue (see #5).

Again thank you so much for your participation this means a great deal for me and will definitely help with my research paper.

I may end up drawing on your research for my own someday, so I'm just paying it forward. If I may ask, from what angle are you approaching polyamory? Poly as a whole is quite broad, and I noticed a preponderance of budget-related questions. I'm not out to steal anyone's thesis, but I am interested from an academic point of view.
 
If I may ask, from what angle are you approaching polyamory? Poly as a whole is quite broad, and I noticed a preponderance of budget-related questions.

See the OP:
Since polyamory is such a broad topic my professor has asked me to narrow it down to a more specific area. With that said, I have decided to focus my paper on polyamory and money management.
 
I am 52, female, heterosexual.

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group?
Currently, I have one lover-friend. We both date other people, but I have no other steady lovers at the moment.

2. How many partners do you have that you live with?
I live alone and have no desire to cohabit with anyone nor designate someone as a partner.

3. How long have you been together?
My lover-friend and I have been seeing each other for ten months.

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Why?
If, by this, you mean transitioning from monogamy to polyamory within the same existing relationship, no. I was in a monogamous marriage for over ten years. When it ended, I chose to embrace polyamory as a solo practitioner.

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power?
My lover-friend and I both consider each other's wishes, but I make my own decisions and he makes his own decisions. ???

6. Do you share bank accounts?
No. I will probably never do that again with anyone.

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships?
I do not fully understand this question. Monogamous relationships are not all the same as far as "gender roles," and neither are poly relationships. I think, if people communicate with each other, the person who is best at something is put in charge of it. When I was married and monogamous, my husband made twice as much money as I did, and we pooled all our income in one account. I was in charge of paying the bills. We did not think of it as my money and his money - it was our money. Now that I am solo poly, I take care of myself. But I'm not sure if I'm answering your question properly, as I am still confused about what you are looking for regarding gender dynamics.

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group?
I don't have a "group" to accept people into, but if I decide to take on a new lover, I think money can play a part as far as what we can do together, how often we can go out, or if either of us would have to travel to see each other (as in a long-distance relationship). But since I do not co-mingle funds with anyone and am independent, I don't have to ask my lover-friend for permission to take on a new lover, if that is what you mean.

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? How does that determine the budget of the evening?
I am independent, live alone, and relate one-on-one with any other lovers I may have. Sometimes he treats, sometimes I do, sometimes we go Dutch. If I have a first date with someone new, we will either go Dutch or whoever did the asking out will pick up the tab. Even if I had four lovers (my poly dream!), unless we were a few years down the road and everyone knew each other, my gaggle of men and I wouldn't be going out on group dates. If there is something big, like an opportunity to go to an event or take a vacation together, we would just figure out what is fair and who can afford what.

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship?
As with any issue, it can be managed and handled with honest and direct communication, and by making no assumptions. See #9.

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship?
Yes, because my lover-friend and I are both really broke, so we have to bring it up.

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? If you are not happy, how would you change it?
I'm fine with my situation in terms of my relationship with my lover-friend, but I am not fine with my overall financial situation, which is rather dire right now. I am struggling. But that is my responsibility and no one else's. The changes I need to make are within my own personal circumstances, and are not my lover-friend's concern. He has his own to worry about. But together, I love the fluidity of how we work things out regarding money.
 
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Male, 29, heterosexual

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group?
At this point Myself (obviously), My wife, two girls referred to as J/1 and J/2

2. How many partners do you have that you live with?
One, my wife.

3. How long have you been together?
Me and the wife have been together about 10 years at this point, J/1 we were involved with for about 5 months last year and have just recently starting getting involved with again about a month ago, J/2 we've know for about 3 years and have gotten involved with about 2 or 3 months ago.

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Why?
We did start as mono, but that was more because we were not aware there was really an alternative (aside from occasional 3somes), eventually due to various circumstances and person growth (my wife coming to terms with her bisexuality and eventually needing to act on it as well as a few other things) we started getting involved with other people, usually in triads.
Frankly by comparison, monogamy felt like there was something missing for the both of us.

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power?
decision making power in which context?

6. Do you share bank accounts?
No.

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships?
This question is unclear, I act like the stereotypical male in context, however I am a male, the girls, all act like girl, seeing as how they are all girls.

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group?
Honestly, Me and the wife will not enter into a relationship with someone who does not have the means to support themselves, this is because we have been used in a few situations , and have ended up having to support a common partner.

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? How does that determine the budget of the evening?
As an old school "chauvinist", I strongly prefer to pay, sometimes I get outvoted on the issue however. Who is getting taken out so to speak purely depends on who shows up and who makes plans. If I'm not around, The girls tend to split things unless one is low on cash, then its whoever feels like paying.

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship?
Not applicable.

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship?
Me and the wife yes, with the others, no. Its not their business or our business unless we're living under the same roof.

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? If you are not happy, how would you change it?
Well, We're comfortable, We could make more money I supposed.
At least thats the plan.
 
Female, 29.

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group? Me as the centre, my husband and my spouse.


2. How many partners do you have that you live with? Said husband and boyfriend.

3. How long have you been together? I have been with my husband for nearly 12 years now, relationship to my other spouse lasted for nearly 10 months now.

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Yes, my husband and I were monogamous for eleven years before we opened the relationship. Why? I simply fell in love again.

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power? That would be me. As for the reason for it ... it may be just my character? That's the way I am, I have a strong will, I need decisions to be based on a solid logical footing and I believe that my reasoning is mostly right and righteous. And the others mostly agree with me (either because I AM actually right or because it is too much of a hassle to disagree, this may vary).

6. Do you share bank accounts? No, never have done so in my monogamous marriage or now. I believe that everyone should have a say about his personal money and income. We have one shared account for living expense and shared bills and food and that's it. Bills are shared according to the percentage of the income the person has in regard to the others to keep things fair and even.

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships? If you mean the same gender roles as in my previous monogamous relationship, yes nothing changed. I have been the one in charge and I still am. But I doubt that this is connected to some kind of gender role.

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group? Has never played a role in my life.

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? This depends on the activity. If it is something my husband or by spouse decided to do as a couple (ballroom dance for example) we would go with only the two of us. Normally we use every opportunity to go out with the three of us, as we like being together and both of them like doing things with me. How does that determine the budget of the evening? As we don't have much to spend generally, each of us pays for oneself. Both men love to invite me, therefore I often don't pay for myself in the end. But generally everyone has his/her own budget.

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship? Issues are always handled jointly. As all of us contribute to our living together financially, everyone has a say in the matter at hand if there is one. Private investments on a lower scale are up to the person spending his/her money, larger investment are discussed with all three being present.

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship? Of course.

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? Could be a lot better. If you are not happy, how would you change it? Finishing university and start working concerning my part in this; in regard to my spouse, finding some doable job, as he is ill and hasn't found an appropriate job yet.
 
Re: Some clarity on Question 7

I have a question about Question #7. Which gender dynamics are you asking about? Are you asking from a purely money management stand-point? And, comparing to "those" in mono relationships- I'm not sure that's answerable. Mono relationships can run the gamut in gender dynamics as well, in a M/F couple or a same-sex couple. I could answer your question that yes, my gender dynamics with MC and TGIB are the same as if I were in a mono relationship with each of them, but I couldn't tell you how those gender dynamics would compare to other mono couples.

I can work on answering the other questions, but I need some guidance for #7, thanks!


Traditional roles are becoming less traditional every year I.e. women are rapidly becoming the primary breadwinner and paying for meals and such.
With that said

In the sense of traditional roles as they've been historically viewed, do you find that there are particular differences or do you seem to follow traditional roles as viewed by society. For example do you adhere to traditional gender roles where the man is considered "head of the house hold"?
 
Your right it is much easier to post them on here. The only demographics I ask for are your gender and age.
Female, 33.

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group?

My husband, our girlfriend, tentative second female lover/girlfriend.

2. How many partners do you have that you live with?

One.

3. How long have you been together?

Husband and I together for five and a half years, married for two. Girlfriend together since October of last year. Tentative second female lover/girlfriend has been friends with my husband for a decade, we've been hanging out for a couple of months now.

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Why?

My now husband was my secondary partner before. We became each other's primaries, and were monogamous for about three years before opening the relationship up again. Neither of us identify as monogamous people, although we are happy with our relationship and sexual connection when it is just the two of us - sometimes relationships unfold out of crushes/falling in love, other times it's sexual adventurism that usually unfolds into relationship (as we tend to have sex with people that we really like as people.) Both of us have always sought out additional love interests in our lives - it was the basis of our union in the beginning.

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power?

Everyone has input, and I usually execute said decisions. For example - if we're having a night away in the city, I'll do research and put forward some hotel/dinner/show options and see if there is a preference. If so, I'll make choices based on the group's collective happiness, if not, I'll make decisions based on what I think everyone will enjoy the most. I'm hyper organized and efficient at navigating planning larger events (like our trip to Vegas) so I'll do most of the legwork and sort out the details. My partners are not detail orientated, and are very happy to "go along for the ride" with restaurants that I choose. When we're menu planning, or buying a board game or choosing a pub we all make decisions. Sometimes we pass off all decision making to our girlfriend, as she doesn't often have that kind of ability in her life - we'll deposit money in her account so that she can pick up everything that she'd like to for an evening of fun.

6. Do you share bank accounts?

I have my own bank account with the mortgage for my house attached to it. My husband and I have a joint account with a mortgage for our recreational property attached to it. Sometimes I transfer money into my account from his account for household bills, and "rent" (I keep track of how much of his "rent" hits the principle balance of the mortgage so that I know how much he has financially contributed to the overall amount owing. This was my original set up with him to keep things financially equitable when we weren't yet married, and I have continued doing this. My mindset was - if we ever split up, he should receive that money back. I made this pledge to both him, and my parents to ensure that things would stay fair even if things got tricky.) At present, our girlfriends and us do not share an account, and she is very particular about our involvement in her financial life (ie- we can take her out for dinner, but are not allowed to put money in her account if we know that she is broke).

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships?

I make more money than my husband, so I support a larger portion of household bills and expenses. I also manage bills and money in general, as it's an area of personal interest and expertisse. My husband does the vast majority of cooking as he is home before I am most working days, and we both contribute to cleaning and maintaining our home. He often does "blue jobs" like mowing the lawn or washing the cars. I often do "pink jobs" like cleaning the bathroom. We have an agreement in place that if one of us is working outside, the other will work inside, etc. This way we can maintain the inside and outside of our home in the same time period and be done the entire roster of work all at once. To put my two cents in: I don't think that gender roles are defined in monogamous relationships anymore; I think that the '50's model of doing things is steadily breaking down in many households.

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group?

It doesn't. We have dated both affluent and poor people. Money has nothing to do with loving someone.

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? How does that determine the budget of the evening?

At present we only date together. This means that we're very likely to splurge, as nobody is being excluded.

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship?

We talk about goals that we want to set and make them happen. Ie - my husband needed a new vehicle, so he did research on the kinds of vehicles that would best suit his work/personal needs. We went and test drove, and purchased a vehicle. I negotiated financing and interest rates, and we both went to town on the payments - when paying bills I focused much of our disposable income on the vehicle payments, clearing it in 18 months instead of the proposed 6 year repayment schedule. If I ever see his bank account is overdrawn, I fill it up again. We buy what we like, when we like and tighten our belts if we have to deal with an unexpected expense; we are affluent, and don't have to worry to much, but if we have a collective financial goal we commit to it and make it happen. Up until we met my husband made great money, but did not manage it wisely - since we joined financial forces he has started a retirement savings plan, acquired a vehicle and is now jointly involved in two pieces of property.

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship?

Absolutely. My husband and I talk a lot about money. Our girlfriend and us have talked about money as well - she was raised in near poverty, and has issues around the flippant way that we deal with our disposable income. We have talked about how and why that affects her, and had some excellent communication around that. She is adament about our involvement in her financial life being limited to joint activities, although we have talked about potential futures in which we would help her acquire a car or have her live with us.... very fuzzy though, as this is a long way off/if ever. We had also talked about splitting the rent on a larger place for her together, but as the future of our relationship is uncertain have taken a step back from that for now.

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? If you are not happy, how would you change it?

Extremely happy. Having two decent incomes makes life a lot of fun for us to live. Having low mortgage payments and reliable vehicles makes life a lot of fun for us to live. At times I wish that our GF would allow us to help her more - it wouldn't make a big difference in our financial life, and would do our hearts good to see her with some extra disposable income. I can understand that she doesn't want that kind of power dynamic though, and respect it, even though I don't see it as a power dynamic.

Again thank you so much for your participation this means a great deal for me and will definitely help with my research paper.
 
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