the story of a secondary

Hey there, have to second rory, good to hear from you :)

I noticed that I am not that often here as well and not as excessively reading as before, just checking in with the stories I found interesting lately. Due to work and enough going on with life fortunately.

I think it was a great choice to send that mail. Even if you could stop yourself in conversations and feel more in control of the situation, those are basics that are important to you. I would have felt really burdened if a person I love wouldn't be able to recognize just how much I was committing to her and considering her in my life already. Just like you talked about your needs and boundaries with Davis, I think that it will be beneficial for you (for your peace of mind at least) to know what are the terms of your relationship with Gia and what her take on the matter is.

Even if it feels a bit risky right now, to put yourself out for display this much, it shows the importance and depth your relationship with Gia has reached, you want her to see the real 'you' and I think it is absolutely valuable that you strive to correct some misconceptions she may have. I guess this will help to initiate a great discussion that will bring you two even closer, I can't imagine that she isn't interested in what you have to say or take it as too heavy or overwhelming. (But I am always all in for open communication, I talk about what is on my mind all day, if your dynamic has been more reserved it could be a little shift to that, but even so, it will be OK :) )

Lastly, the new person in her life. I think you should speak up. Not making demands, I HATE them, I always feel so pressured when someone displays even the slightest need in that direction and shut down really fast, but to tell her that it bothers you, that you miss her and you would like to have what she is planning to establish with this man for yourself again as well. Of course, there is an indirect demand there nevertheless, but this is valid, you are in a relationship with her and it is only natural to miss each other after such a long time.

From what I read here, you always look out to not put her under pressure, bearing the difficult situation with the baby and the latest phase she went through in mind. But, could it be possible that she sees you as more distant and less committed because she misinterprets your reserved behaviour? That she is maybe aware that you are doing this for her sake, but is at the same time confused that you are seemingly satisfied with what you have right now? That would be what may have been on my mind in her situation. "Oh, she is so nice to consider my situation, but ... why doesn't it seem as if she is troubled more by the distance? Maybe it's what she feels comfortable with as well." Something along those lines. Just a thought that came up.
 
Well, that particular crisis got resolved nice and quickly. :)

Gia responded this afternoon. She said she hadn't necessarily meant her comment in the way I interpreted it, and explained. So, that helped right off the bat. She also gave me a lot of good thoughts and advice about me and Davis and depression generally.

She went on to say that she had been "mostly aware" of my commitment to her and was sad she couldn't respond with the "fervor" she felt it deserved, but that she knows herself well enough to know that she's not there emotionally yet and that she still has trust issues to get past, not because of anything I've done but because that's just how she is. It took her a long time to get to where she is with Eric. Like, a loooong time. Which I knew. It's just funny, I feel like she's let me into her life so far that it's surprising to remember that there are still barriers.

She also said that in a way she feels "regret" that she already has a primary and thus has limited resources for furthering other interpersonal connections, which I get. But of course she can't change that, neither of us would want her to, and she's living her life to the fullest she can. She said that she has never charged our relationship with the duty to last forever, just to last as long as is sensible, and that she feels like that makes her commitment "less serious" than mine but that she fully appreciates my commitment even when she can't repay or reciprocate it in all the same ways.

In my response I told her that essentially I feel the same way about how long our relationship ought to last, though of course a lot hinges on the meaning of the word "sensible"! :)

Most importantly, to me, I told her how meaningful it was to me to feel safe enough to share what's going on with me without feeling like the reaction is going to be along the lines of "nod and smile and back away slowly from the crazy lady...". To know that even if we're not in the exact same place we can talk about it and it's ok.

All of it was overdue for us to discuss, I think. I'm so glad I didn't hold it back.

I also told her about wondering whether I'll be resentful if she hooks up with Zed, so there's another weight off my chest. She said she'd get back to me with more of a response on that soon.

She also mentioned that Liza, who's been sitting for them twice a week, is having some personal issues and they may need to take me up on my offer to take time off work here and there to be with Bee after all. I don't wish Liza any troubles, but I do have to admit I'm excited. I feel like the kid who's been practicing her heart out and sitting on the sidelines and now the coach is gesturing at me and saying "Ok, get in there!" About time. :)
 
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU GUYS!

I have a date with Gia!!! :eek: :D

Just the two of us, at my house, in three days!

And the craziest thing is, I don't even have to deal with the nagging thought of "Well, she only scheduled this with me after I said I'd be hurt if she had a date with Zed first, I hope she's not doing this out of a sense of obligation..."

Let me explain.

I've known about her liking Zed for a long time, but it was only as of Tuesday night that I found out she'd hit on him seriously. While we were talking then, I half-jokingly suggested an indirect approach, "Like, y'know, ask him if you can come over to... play video games. ;)" A little later in the conversation I said "You should really come by my place some time. We could... play video games. ;)" She looked serious and said she'd email me about it.

The next day, chatting online, we discussed dates that she, Eric, and Bee could come to my place for dinner. Later that day, she emailed me inquiring as to whether I was free Wednesday. I assumed she was trying to reschedule the dinner and said sure. Nope, turns out she was following up on our conversation from the night before and trying to schedule a date. So I had "Dinner with G&E&B" written in my calendar and she had "Date with A" written in hers.

I stopped by this afternoon, and in the course of conversation the miscommunication was revealed. It was kind of embarrassing, it makes sense why I was confused, but at the same time she DID say she would email me about a date and I took it as a mark of my own insecurity that it didn't even cross my mind that she was following through. When I said that I felt silly for misunderstanding she said "Well, I *have* been putting you off for a year! You'd be completely within your rights to think it was never going to happen at this point."

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

I sometimes play my Pandora.com radio station while I'm in the shower. I did that just now and was singing along and dancing the whole time. So excited! And nervous! Thinking things like "Thank god my room is tidy so I don't have to worry about that, what am I going to wear, where can I take her out for dinner to impress her without going overboard, I need new batteries for the vibrator, oh shit oh shit this is happening!!!!"
 
You've been so careful about not saying that too much. I don't think you need to walk on eggshells around her forever.

From what I read here, you always look out to not put her under pressure, bearing the difficult situation with the baby and the latest phase she went through in mind. But, could it be possible that she sees you as more distant and less committed because she misinterprets your reserved behaviour?

Thanks for all of your thoughts, guys. I pulled these two bits out because it's really true -- I've spent the last 16-ish months trying to be as careful and respectful as possible, maybe even taking it too far and stifling myself, maybe sending mixed signals. I'm kind of glad for the recent miscommunications... me thinking Gia was saying I wasn't interested in commitment led me to explain in depth my views on the matter and get hers in return, me not realizing she'd already tried to make a date with me led me to explain my vulnerability about not being considered before a potential new interest. It felt good to get those things out, and it shouldn't take misunderstandings to prompt me to speak my mind.

Hey there, have to second rory, good to hear from you :)

Aw, yay! :)

What's looping through my mind right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNS-mbJoqmE
 
Hmpf! Can't access the video, German Youtube regulations say "Bad content!". (But I googled the lyrics) :)

Go and have fun *cheers* It's about time that patience pays off.
 
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Hmpf! Can't access the video, German Youtube regulations say "Bad content!". (But I googled the lyrics) :)

In the video, interspersed with live concert footage and images of a young man and a young woman each getting ready for a date, are shots of several young punk guys hanging out on the street, walking up to random cars, chatting with the drivers through the windows and sometimes getting in. They're pretty clearly meant to be male prostitutes, so perhaps that's what the regulators have a problem with. I'm not positive what the intention was, but my interpretation is that the prospect of having a date makes these not-stereotypically-hot-looking guys feel so desirable that they imagine they could make a living off their bodies if they wanted. Probably totally off base. :D

The lyrics themselves are pretty silly and juvenile, but I like the over the top exuberance of the song, it captures the feeling for me.

Also, just wanted to say, it's so cool to have enthusiastic supporters of my love life in other countries! Ha! Not a situation I'd previously imagined, but it's funny to think that as we're heading to the bedroom (fingers crossed!) I could tell Gia "the international community is waiting to know whether or not we get it on, let's not disappoint them!"
 
Go get her! :D

I remember how excited I was for my first alone date with Wendigo after 5 months last year. I can't imagine having to wait any longer than that. . . . 5 months was tough for us.
 
Also, just wanted to say, it's so cool to have enthusiastic supporters of my love life in other countries! Ha! Not a situation I'd previously imagined, but it's funny to think that as we're heading to the bedroom (fingers crossed!) I could tell Gia "the international community is waiting to know whether or not we get it on, let's not disappoint them!"

Sward and I had to laugh after reading this :D Let it rock, 'part of the international community of Germany' is rooting for you :cool:
 
Also, just wanted to say, it's so cool to have enthusiastic supporters of my love life in other countries! Ha! Not a situation I'd previously imagined, but it's funny to think that as we're heading to the bedroom (fingers crossed!) I could tell Gia "the international community is waiting to know whether or not we get it on, let's not disappoint them!"

And more local types too! But no pressure or anything :D
 
And more local types too! But no pressure or anything :D

No worries. With more than a year's worth of time to make up for, support, whether foreign or local, hardly add any pressure. :)

Two more days? How the fuck am I supposed to wait two more days???
 
TMI:

I've been randomly wet often the last couple of days, and today in particular I've just been turned on all the damn time. I feel like a teenage boy! It's hard to contemplate being suave and chill when I'm like "OMFG if I don't get laid soon I will DIE." I'm gonna do my best, though. :) It doesn't help that I haven't been masturbating, but I find that I reach climax more easily with a partner when I've been refraining, so it seemed like the thing to do. I bought a new toy and got fresh batteries for the old one. ;) :D

In one hour, I'm gonna head home and start cooking. Sausage stir fry, hard cider, peaches and dark chocolate for dessert. Candles.

I feel like I should be trying to pull back on my expectations, just in case? But I don't know how at this point. I could barely sleep last night...
 
I have a big purple lipstick kiss on each cheek. They look a little like bruises. She said that I'm not allowed to wash them off until I have to go to work in the morning. She said that she didn't know how much it would excite and interest her to tell me that until she'd done it. I've taken pictures of them so I can always remember the feeling.

We talked, she told me she'd missed me, held each other, she told me that she's so grateful at the chance I've given her to explore the dominant side of herself, kissed, she told me that she's working to figure out how to fully accept the wonderful things I give her, laughed, she told me I could take off her shirt, touched, she told me I wasn't getting away, licked, loved, perfect, happy.
 
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Okay, I never actually post because I am a total lurker, but I have read every word of your story, and this post, it made my heart sing. Yay Annabel, yay Gia, yay love!
 
So happy for you two :)
 
I hadn't caught up on your blog for a week or so, and I just wanted to say I'm really happy for you! I got kind of sniffly when I read the letter you'd written to her, and was very glad to read through the last week to find out it's had a happy outcome :)
 
Thanks, guys. :) :)

We'd had a plan for a couple of weeks that Gia and Eric and Bee would come over to my place for dinner last night. I requested that we do that as a change of pace from me always going over their place and that's the date that happened to work for everyone. I invited Davis to join us, and didn't even think until afterwards that this would mean that both of my partners would be with me for Valentine's Day. I have NO interest whatsoever in the holiday, but... it was still kind of cool that it worked out that way. :)

I did the majority of the cooking, which was quite a task (crazy but very fun) and everyone seemed to think it came out great! My roommates joined us. Davis was a bit shy and stayed with me in the kitchen until the food was ready, rather than hanging out with everyone else in the dining room, but during the meal he conversed equally if sparsely with everyone with no particular hang-ups evident in interacting with Gia or Eric. He gave me a cute horror-themed card, even though he also has no great love for V-Day.

Davis and I are still struggling, still figuring out where to go from here, but it still made me feel great to see him and my other partner enjoying the same gathering together in an intimate, small-group setting. Even if not every individual relationship is going perfectly, I'm very happy with how our overall poly dynamic is right now.
 
Where things are with Davis.

I keep going back and forth over the same ground. I love this guy, we get each other, I love snuggling with him, we have good sex, we've worked out a very difficult relationship dynamic (mono/poly), he's so giving, he deeply cares about me. Versus. I don't always feel like I'm "in" love with this guy, I usually don't feel excited when I think about bonding our lives together but instead feel worried, I feel like other people in my life do more to challenge me to grow and introduce me to new things, I've heard over and over that "with the right one you just know" and... I *don't* know.

Last week we had dinner together. Nice, pleasant. On the way home, little things about the way he communicates were annoying me and I snapped at him more than was warranted. He asked me where it was coming from. I laid it all out, told him that I think it comes from me feeling resentful and scared and kind of trapped at times, from feeling like maybe this relationship isn't good for me. In the parked car I cried and cried. In another person's story maybe this is where the break-up would have happened. But I couldn't do it. When I was crying it was equal parts sadness at the thought of losing him in my life, sadness at the thought of him being hurt by me leaving, and the anxious/frustrated/trapped feeling.

We went inside, it was late, we went to bed together, we made love. He told me he needs me like a plant needs water. The next day I asked him how saying something like that was supposed to *not* make me feel trapped, since plants die without water. He said he didn't mean it like that.

He said some other things that night, like how it's very hard for him to hear this stuff (this isn't the first time I've freaked out on him in a similar way), it makes him kind of sad and kind of angry, he wants to freak out sometimes too in reaction but he knows I need him to be strong and not make it worse during those times. When I hear those things I hear that he's honest and brave and scared and I wish I could give him clarity and faith. He told me that I don't need to feel trapped, that if it's not the right time we don't need to move in together this year, that it's ok. He said there have been a lot of changes in my life recently so of course I'm on edge, of course I don't want to leave my comfy living situation. It sounded to me like he was searching for excuses for my fears, ways to make it not about us as a couple but about other things.

I wish things were clearer. :/
 
In better news, Davis mentioned to me that he's starting to look into the idea of therapy again! Heh, after all my obsessing over it he decides to give it a try after I've let the subject go. Sometimes you can push people all you want but they're only going to take that last step on their own...

We're also making lists of things we want to do together -- little trips, classes, places to go hiking. And we've been doing the gym thing religiously, it's been great. It seems funny to be working on moving forward in some ways when I'm so conflicted in others but it also feels good. It can't be a bad idea to aim for being healthier and more dynamic, even when things are in flux.
 
I am smiling right now as I read your last post. What popped into my head just now is that old cliche saying about enjoying the journey and not worrying about the destination. We so often talk about moving forward, moving forward, and think about where we will be when we get there, but maybe it's not about that at all, 'cause when you get there, there will be someplace else to move toward, in some aspect.

So... to the journey! >>clink glasses<<
 
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