FullofLove1052
New member
Thank you, Mags.
It was not anyone here, but there were people around me/us who implied that he was the only reason I decided to forgo multiple relationships. Pfft. Matt knows he cannot control me, and he is not crazy enough to try. I dislike the notion because it implies that I have no brain or thoughts of my own. I am not a Stepford wife.
I played my part, too. Shit happens. You live and you learn. I have owned up to all of my mistakes and improved. Communication was not up to par. Then again, it was hard to talk when we were not together very often. Truthfully, I was not close to anyone. Every relationship in my life suffered. I cannot change the past, though.
I understand needs changing, but do not pull me down in the process. I made it clear from day one that I would never be able to provide that. Marrying Matt--with the understanding that I do not believe in divorce--and ultimately expanding our family should have been further confirmation that I was never going to commit to monogamy with her. I disapprove of what she did after she realised that was what she wanted. Plain and simple, I could not love her or be what she needed. She always had the option to let me go and go seek that. I now acknowledge that my witt's end was originally in early 2008, and I should have let her go instead of forcing what did not come naturally. It was clear from the beginning that our dynamic was never going to be a primary one, and when it did happen, it was because my hand was forced. Fierce loyalty and avoiding doing the hard thing proved to damn near be the death of my marriage and prolonged the inevitable end with her. Had I followed my first mind six years ago, some of the issues we faced would not have transpired. I take responsibility because I knew it was going against what I wanted, but I trudged through and dragged my loved ones along for what would ultimately be a painful ride. Lesson learned.
I have never really had low self-esteem. I have had spells where I controlled my weight. I am happy at 58 kgs, but it is too low for my height. Even when everything around me was spiraling downward at an accelerated rate, that was the one thing I could control. After my first child was born, I lost all of the weight and then some in under 90 days. I am at odds with my GP over the weight I lost a few months back. He feels like I need to gain at least 7 kgs to fall in a healthy weight range. When we start TTC, I will consider gaining a few kgs.
I made changes for the better, and I will never apologise for that. Privately, I was struggling and dying inside. I was bloody miserable. I was turning into that parent that I never wanted to be. I grew up with plenty of people who had parents who were never around due to working or travelling 24/7. Those were the ones who ran to their nannies on Christmas morning. If I had kept things structured the way they were, my children would likely feel no closeness to me. I enjoy being a visible presence in their lives. If anything were to change with my career now in a negative way, I would be more than okay with being a SAHM to our youngest. Before, not a chance in hell.
I just know that now is absolutely not the time. My youngest is 1 1/2, and he obviously still needs me. The next child is 5, and she needs less of me than him. Nonetheless, she still needs me and has certain expectations. Our oldest is 14, and due to her upbringing and difficult circumstances, she needs me in different ways. She has known abandonment issues, and I would be daft to lessen the amount of time and attention I give to her. I know that I am not done having children, but that is on the backburner. We want at least one or two more, so there really will be no time for another relationship. Before that happens, I will make changes and cut back where I can. Hands on parenting suits me.
When we are older and childfree, I am sure there will be a noticeable difference. Priorities and available time would be completely different. I have no doubt that it works better for people who have grown children or have opted to remain childfree. They do not have the same responsibilities as someone who is an active and hands on parent. As you stated, that is years down the line. We will cross that bridge when or if we get to it.
It was not anyone here, but there were people around me/us who implied that he was the only reason I decided to forgo multiple relationships. Pfft. Matt knows he cannot control me, and he is not crazy enough to try. I dislike the notion because it implies that I have no brain or thoughts of my own. I am not a Stepford wife.
I played my part, too. Shit happens. You live and you learn. I have owned up to all of my mistakes and improved. Communication was not up to par. Then again, it was hard to talk when we were not together very often. Truthfully, I was not close to anyone. Every relationship in my life suffered. I cannot change the past, though.
I understand needs changing, but do not pull me down in the process. I made it clear from day one that I would never be able to provide that. Marrying Matt--with the understanding that I do not believe in divorce--and ultimately expanding our family should have been further confirmation that I was never going to commit to monogamy with her. I disapprove of what she did after she realised that was what she wanted. Plain and simple, I could not love her or be what she needed. She always had the option to let me go and go seek that. I now acknowledge that my witt's end was originally in early 2008, and I should have let her go instead of forcing what did not come naturally. It was clear from the beginning that our dynamic was never going to be a primary one, and when it did happen, it was because my hand was forced. Fierce loyalty and avoiding doing the hard thing proved to damn near be the death of my marriage and prolonged the inevitable end with her. Had I followed my first mind six years ago, some of the issues we faced would not have transpired. I take responsibility because I knew it was going against what I wanted, but I trudged through and dragged my loved ones along for what would ultimately be a painful ride. Lesson learned.
I have never really had low self-esteem. I have had spells where I controlled my weight. I am happy at 58 kgs, but it is too low for my height. Even when everything around me was spiraling downward at an accelerated rate, that was the one thing I could control. After my first child was born, I lost all of the weight and then some in under 90 days. I am at odds with my GP over the weight I lost a few months back. He feels like I need to gain at least 7 kgs to fall in a healthy weight range. When we start TTC, I will consider gaining a few kgs.
I made changes for the better, and I will never apologise for that. Privately, I was struggling and dying inside. I was bloody miserable. I was turning into that parent that I never wanted to be. I grew up with plenty of people who had parents who were never around due to working or travelling 24/7. Those were the ones who ran to their nannies on Christmas morning. If I had kept things structured the way they were, my children would likely feel no closeness to me. I enjoy being a visible presence in their lives. If anything were to change with my career now in a negative way, I would be more than okay with being a SAHM to our youngest. Before, not a chance in hell.
I just know that now is absolutely not the time. My youngest is 1 1/2, and he obviously still needs me. The next child is 5, and she needs less of me than him. Nonetheless, she still needs me and has certain expectations. Our oldest is 14, and due to her upbringing and difficult circumstances, she needs me in different ways. She has known abandonment issues, and I would be daft to lessen the amount of time and attention I give to her. I know that I am not done having children, but that is on the backburner. We want at least one or two more, so there really will be no time for another relationship. Before that happens, I will make changes and cut back where I can. Hands on parenting suits me.
When we are older and childfree, I am sure there will be a noticeable difference. Priorities and available time would be completely different. I have no doubt that it works better for people who have grown children or have opted to remain childfree. They do not have the same responsibilities as someone who is an active and hands on parent. As you stated, that is years down the line. We will cross that bridge when or if we get to it.