Poly my whole life ~ Now Struggling with fears & insecurities

AuroraWD

New member
I feel strange, scared and so lost right now as I find myself reaching out to others in desperation for advice, help, support, thoughts... anything to help me get through this experience. I'm used to being the one giving the Poly advice, and on top of how painful and scary these experiences of jealousy, fear and insecurity are... the worst part is the confusion, guilt, and shame I'm feeling on top of it because this these negative feelings are so contrary to who I have always been and how I've lived my life.

I'm 35, a single mom, I've been Poly since my early 20's. Some of my relationship experiences have been beautiful, some of my former lovers are now my "family" and best friends even if not lovers anymore. Some of my relationships have been disasters and utterly heartbreaking. Mostly though my poly life has been one of having many "lovers" and being the girlfriend/secondary to a few couples, but not having my own healthy committed primary relationship that I was truly longing for. I had almost given up hope, and resigned myself to a lonely life of only half-met needs, juggling multiple casual partners...

then I met Will... and we changed each other's whole lives when we fell in love, it is the most beautiful connected healthy supportive passionate damn-near perfect relationship I've ever seen, or experienced. We are so good to each other and for each other, we are each other's best friend, and I've never experienced passion or lovemaking like we share, with anyone else in my whole life. There is nothing casual about it, it is transcendent and deeply bonding and spiritual and completely satisfying everytime.

We've been together one year now, and just moved into a new house together, he loves me so much, and he loves my kids. He is so kind, gentle and compassionate... he was always monogamous before meeting and dating me. I was the life-long poly girl, who introduced him to it, and he enjoyed the freedom that came with poly relationships, to be able to have fun with other girls, other romances, and other sexual experiences... but even with that total freedom and both of us dating others, Our bond and relationship grew closer, deeper and stronger, more in love over time. And as it did, we both were seeing other people less and less, and each other more and more. With him at about 4 months in, I had my first ever in my whole life experience of the feelings of jealousy, and I've been working on that ever since, and he's been supportive and patient, and it seemed like it was all worked out and resolved.

All this sounds wonderful and is exactly what my heart was longing for, and I'm so grateful and feel so blessed... so what's gone wrong?

the month before we moved in, he had a casual hook-up date with another poly woman who is married, but she's really into him... they went to a hotel, and I went home and fell apart. I literally completely lost my shit, broke down totally into helpless brokenhearted sobbing for three days. I couldn't bear how much it hurt thinking of him with her, seeing them together in my mind.

I've never felt anything like that, I couldn't eat or sleep or stop crying, I felt sick inside, and terrified... so freaking terrified. And confused and lost and shamed and guilty for having this reaction. When he came over the next day to surprise me, he found me curled up in the fetal position in my bed crying my heart out. We talked, a lot, we've been talking ever since. He said that no other girl or casual sex was worth the pain I was going through and he offered me monogamy for however long I may need it, while we focus on building our new life together, and all the big changes of moving in together.

I feel this was beyond generous of him, and yet a month later I'm still struggling with it, every time we talk I feel a little better... he is constantly reassuring me, loving me, being so good to me... but when I try to get to a place of being ok with Poly again, I just can't... it hurts so much inside. I realize that I'm scared of losing him, of losing his love to someone else, of being abandoned (I've been "left" pretty much by every single relationship in my life, including parents and ex's), and of losing the best most wonderful Love that's ever come into my life.

I don't know what to do, I'm trying so hard... he tells me to "quit trying so hard and just give myself time to heal and let time wash away my fears, because only time will show me that he's not leaving"

I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite... and I'm afraid of ruining this relationship with my fears and insecurities
 
AuroraWD,

Wow, thanks for sharing your very well-written story. And thanks for the courage to tell it.

Your relationship with Will sounds so beautiful and is so inspiring! I have no doubt that things between the two of you are as solid and wonderful as can be. You're very fortunate!

It sounds to me that something deeply burried, a great hurt or wound, some trauma, has surfaced--or begun to surface-- into your conscious awareness and experience. And it sounds like dealing with this pain and fear so directly is very new to you. It sounds raw. And it sounds like it is going to take time. And it also sounds that Will is totally there for you, and willing to give you all the time you need, and some very beautiful loving all the while.

You're very fortunate. Very, very.

Keep this in mind and in heart. Let it sink in deeply. You're very blessed.

Tell Will for me, from me, Thanks for your inspiration. And thanks for your inspiration, AuroraWD. It takes courage to open to such tenderness.
 
Last edited:
Thank you River! So much, you're reply brought tears of relief and joy to my eyes as your words had a ring of truth I needed to hear, and sometimes even when our closest loved ones and friends are telling us what we need to hear... it really does help to get the insight of an unbiased un-involved "stranger" :)

also, I'm glad that this struggle has prompted me to go deeper into myself to find and bring out into the light for healing, whatever wound is there that needs it, and obviously I must be in a very safe secure loving relationship to have such a deep fear come up for healing. and I'm glad it has also prompted me to reach out to others from a much more humble place, to be reminded that I'm not as "enlightened" as I'd like to have thought I was, and I still have room for growth, healing, learning and becoming the Best Me I can be, and loving the most I can love.
 
It is clear to me why Will loves you so. I can see that you're a very fine and beautiful person, with a radiant heart and much courage.

My "Faraway Sweetie" always says to me "You're easy to love". Well, you too are easy to love. You're going to do GRRREAT!
 
It's interesting how much better I feel just since writing this initial post and the kind response from River, reading both my own words and his replies again, I had a sudden insight ~

I've been looking at this experience in my life all backwards, feeling like something is wrong with me for feeling the way I've been feeling, and struggling with the fear I've been struggling with. It would help me more to ask "Why am I feeling this way?" and "Why do I need this experience right now?" and "How is this feeling, this experience with fear, meant to be a source of healing and growth for me?" Some part or parts of me deep inside have been hurt deeply, probably long ago, and this fear experience is an opportunity to understand myself better, love myself more, and find healing and greater wholeness, and to learn new deeper levels of strength in myself, and trust in those who love me.

But I need to be more patient and compassionate with myself, to follow Will's example of unconditional love for me, and give that to myself as well... this issue will take time to heal, and beating myself up for it will only make it worse and take longer. If I can give myself time, safe space for talking and exploring the feelings and what is behind those feelings, and treat my own heart with the same love I treat others... then I can trust that I can heal the fear behind my insecurity.
 
Very wise, insightful, self-loving and astute words, AuroraWD -- all of them.

I see you as a flower in bloom.

Google up Tara Brach and "Radical Acceptance". It is a book I've given away to bunches of friends, and probably the best and most valuable book I've read in the last couple of decades. I think you'll gain much from it and resonate much with Tara, who is as sweet a being as there are.

www.tarabrach.com
 
Wow, AuroraWD. I'm so impressed by your insights into yourself and your ability to express them. Thank you for your posts. They've helped me understand my OSO's wife's meltdown a little better. :)

I think you're doing well and you'll find your way out of this.

JG
 
What a lovely indepth post of your feelings.
Whilst you have embraced the poly relationship - and maybe because you have never felt like first. You are now in that position. Which means if you want mono, there is nothing wrong sweetheart in that, why should you despair in the love you feel, with a man that loves you whole, and you want no more.
Life is just that. Right now I feel you have found your rolling river...........so go embrace and forget looking for more than you have until you need it. You seem to have it all xxx
 
Wow, thank you so much for sharing with us! You shouldn't feel guilty about your feelings. You've never felt this way before. It's understanding to be overwhelmed. Mono or poly...just because you've been one, doesn't mean it's wrong to be the other. It sounds like Will loves you and is the rock you need, so just enjoy being with him, and don't worry about the rest. Try not to over think it neh?
 
i could totally be off base with this one, so i am going to qualify it first and not wait for an answer.... lol

your attraction to will, did it come on fast, without warning, almost un-explainable..... (again this is about the first attraction) or was it one of those things that built up over time?

if it was an attraction that came on slowly and grew over time then completely ignore the inaccurate, ridiculous, rambling that is about to follow, and skip to the last paragraph.

the reason i ask is this... you speak about the passion and fire within a deeply loving relationship. if the initial attraction was fast, and hard, a great chemistry, and i mean real chemistry, not something that gets cooked up over a period of time, but an almost instant and powerful reaction caused when you are in proximity to a person who has the very toe curling chemical signature that your body craves. if this is you, then hormones have got a hold of you.

can that affect your thoughts and feelings???? heck yes! personal history and observation alert!!! you have been warned proceed with caution. and i am going to use gemzi as an example too.

so... i have this chemical attraction to my wife, gemzi, i confess i used to smell her sweaters because they smelled like her. even after 18 years i have strong physical desire for her. most of the time i cant even look at her without wanting to hold, kiss, cuddle, and well other things that follow quickly. me.... i have some jealousy issues i deal with, but i have trust, and confidence in her. our inception into poly is a very long story, but i accepted at first because i wanted her to be happy. on the other hand, the girlfriends that i have had the emotional connection but not that strong physical chemistry, i dont have jealousy issues over. the heartache is there over a break up, naturally, but i am no jealous.

her attraction to me is based mostly out of love, not so much physical chemistry, and our love is among the strongest i have ever known anyone to have. she does not have jealousy issues where i am involved.... however, i have seen her have jealousy issues over boyfriends where that chemistry was involved. others she adored because they were cute or sweet.... hmm no jealousy issues.

this is just my observation, you describe your relationship and attraction quite nicely, as almost perfect. if the chemistry is there, and then you found out what a great guy he is on top of all of that. (which is quite rare) then it may just be a hormone reaction that overrides all else, something we cant help, but can think ourselves through.

consider this maybe... he makes it a point to make you his absolute primary, making sure all of your needs are met before considering anyone else. your descriptions make it sound like he does. and poly is new to him, it gives him freedoms to exercise that he has never had before. as a *nice guy* i can say that the typical relationship is one of not exploring new things, but attaching ourselves to one person and doing everything we can to make that person happy. and it sounds like he is exploring the world of casual relationships, which *nice guys* rarely engage in.

it sounds by your description and his actions that he does care deeply for you, and that you two have a long and happy road to travel together as a couple. it is also good to see you are able to look inward and evaluate, and process some of these things. i think i have officially used up all my allotted words for the day, and must now let my keyboard rest.

schtuff
 
Reply to JuliaGay

Thanks Julia for the response, I'm glad that my opening up helped you and possibly yours as well. The world is always made a better more beautiful place when we can find understanding and compassion for each other's moments of fear, grief, or weakness :)

As the "woman melting down" if I could offer any advice to the "OSO" to help every one be ok, I can tell you what I think would help me, if I were in her shoes...

First and foremost she is going to have to work on her "stuff", whatever is inside her that has triggered fear and insecurity, and no one else can do that for her, it's true... but both you and the shared partner can do so much to help her feel safe and secure and supported in her healing and self-discovery

She likely needs reassurances, lots of them, that she isn't going to "Lose" anything or anyone in this situation of sharing, and perhaps she, and all of you, can gain... more love to go around ya know. I don't know you're situation, if you and she are friends or know each other... but if you're not, that would probably help. I've been thinking that I would feel more secure with other girl's my Lover may be interested in, if I really got to know them, and developed my own friendly (or maybe even playful sexy) relationships with them, and then I would know that they A. respect our primary relationship and aren't trying to take him from me, and B. that I know them as real persons, not as imagined in my fears... which is always worst, the fear of the unknown.

And the shared partner can be supportive, loving and reassuring, while still keeping balanced boundaries... depending on all of your agreements.

Since I found this site, and started reading posts for my own situation, the one thing I've seen stated repeatedly that made the most sense to me is "Take things at the pace that is comfortable for the person who is struggling the most, have compassion and care about the hearts and feelings of ALL of the Loves involved."
 
Reply to Schtuff

Actually yes, you hit the nail on the head. Will and I's attraction was immediate, and unlike anything I have ever seen, experienced, or heard of... so powerfully strong and impossible to deny was the attraction between us it was magnetic. We walked past each other on a trail in the woods at a festival/camping event. I made a comment to my friend who was with me, saying "He is so Beautiful, I just want to watch him walk away" as I turned to watch him walk past me. Will heard me say this, and he immediately turned around, our eyes met, he smiled big, walked to me, completely forgot where he was going or why, followed me down the trail to where I was going. My friend got the biggest kick out of watching us that night, because once our eyes met, we couldn't stay away from each other or stop looking at each other. We connected to intensely and it was only a few minutes before we were kissing, then back in his tent in foreplay mode (which btw, he had never done before making out with a random strange girl at a festival), then I had gate duty for the next two hours, and he headed back to the main dance floor. I didn't think I'd see him again, but I couldn't stop thinking of him and smiling from just kissing him for about an hour.

Fifteen minutes into my gate shift, my friend started laughing hysterically and said, "Look who is coming back?!" I turned around and saw him walking back down the trail towards me. He had made it all the way to the main dance floor, and then turned back around and came back to me. I asked him why he had come back and he said "I can still smell you on me, I couldn't stay away, I had to find you again!" He spent the rest of those two hours hanging out with me at the gate, then we spent the night together... he found me on facebook the next day, we had a date two days later, and we have been together ever since! :)

I had kind of thought it would wear off over time, or the intensity would lessen, NRE's would mellow... but in the year we've been together so far, it has only grown deeper, more intense, and if we could do so, if we didn't have to work at different offices... we'd both be content spending 98% of our time together :) Of course we'd hang out with other people, but even when hanging out with other people, we are happier doing so together.

Hormones eh? yeah, we've both noticed that our pheromones and our scents have a powerful affect on each other and we spend a lot of time as physically close as our bodies can possibly get, and we both smell each other a lot and seem to get a strange kind of "high" off of just smelling each other.
 
Thanks, Aurora. Those are the things we are working toward. It's good to have confirmation that we're doing the right thing. :)

JG
 
a new insight

I'm feeling much better today :) we had a lovely weekend of focused connection, being close cuddly romantic loving snuggly super sexy awesomeness :) and that helped my heart so very much.

I also had an unexpected insight into myself, and a new piece of the puzzle. I had gone to a Pagan Pride event, and ironically was teaching a workshop on Polyamory there. I found that my current experiences helped me have a new view on many things, and greater compassion for others who have struggled with emotions, relationships, poly, and fears. While at the workshop I met a lovely new couple, and found myself very attracted to them both, and particularly to the woman.

I came home and was telling Will about my experiences and how the girl had me all tingly when I realized how hypocritical it was that I was ok with Me being attracted to or interested in another woman, but terrified of Will being attracted to or interested in, or with, another woman. When I acknowledged that, I spent sometime looking inside myself. (side note, I was moderately stoned at the time and I have found that when stoned I have amazing moments of epiphany and problem solving).

When I was looking at that feeling, and wondering why that is... I had the thought "well because if I'm the one interested in another girl, it's not a threat to our relationship, because another girl could never replace Will in my life or heart... but if Will's into another girl, then I could be replaced." I found a very sore tender painful place in my heart & soul over this feeling of being "replaceable"

We talked about this insight, me feeling all vulnerable and kind of teary about it, and Will giving me what he always does ~ support, reassurance, validation and lots of Love. He held me close, kissed me a bunch, and looked me straight in the eyes and stated very firmly that I am absolutely NOT replaceable, not ever, not even a little bit.

But I found myself wondering why I feel that way, where that came from, and how that fear and feeling of being "replaced" had first come into my mind & heart.

I don't worry about Envy, because Envy I figured out long ago is Very easy to handle, in fact I kinda appreciate moments when Envy comes up in a relationship because it is sooooo easy to fix and so beneficial when understood and handled properly. Envy is wanting what you don't have (or don't have enough of, or haven't had recently) that you perceive someone else getting to have. Envy for me, is just a message from myself to myself saying "Hey... I really want that too!" and once I know what I want or need, all I have to do is Ask for it.

If another girl is getting a nice fancy date out, and I am feeling envious, then it's likely that I'm just feeling left out, or that I have a need or want to be taken out and made to feel special too... so I can just recognize that need or want, and speak up and ask for it :)

Jealousy is still hard, because I'm finding that jealousy for me, in this experience, is all based in deep deep primal level fears of Loss, of being left, of losing the person I love most, of losing my place in his heart and life to another, and of the pain that would bring me. It is also about my own feelings of self-worth, desirableness, value, and that feeling of being "replaceable". I'm trying to do with Jealousy what I did with Envy long ago... turn it into a positive, an opportunity to recognize a need within myself, and then be able to communicate that need and ask for what I want and need to feel safe and loved, special and secure... and not replaceable. :)
 
Thanks Annabel! :) great essay, and as a Mother of 4 kiddos, I can relate to that concept. I think part of my problem is that I had long ago realized that for me Will is utterly completely unique and irreplaceable, and if he left it would break my heart in a way beyond all my other heartbreaks and leave that hole no one else could fill or fix... but I didn't see myself as being just as unique and irreplaceable to him. I've been working on that this past weekend, trying to step out of my shoes and see through his eyes and his perspective and asking him questions about his feelings. I needed to shift my view to see that his love for me is just as great as mine for him and he sees my superhero soul and is completely truly in love with me, and that no one else can take my place.

But that doesn't mean that others cannot add to our lives... something I read in another thread that really helped me was the analogy of apple pie and chocolate ice cream. Apple pie is my absolute favorite and I love apple pie and I would never want to be without apple pie, but I also enjoy chocolate ice cream, neither one can replace the other... and since I'm bi... extra yummy if we can have apple pie with chocolate ice cream :)
 
Two quotes really spoke to me today:

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." - Hemingway

"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is." - Marianne Williamson

I would add to this, that one of life's most healing beautiful experiences is when you have been loved by someone so much that they Love All of You, Light, Darkness & everything in between...
 
Thank you all so much for your responses. I had a really good think and came to the conclusion that I really was open to a poly relationship. I felt quite excited by the idea that it could bring a new openess and dimension to the relationship and when he admitted he had been seeing someone although annoyed at his dishonestly I found I was not jealous but keen to get to know this other person.

But then he came out with more things he had lied to me about and at first he said he was keen on a primary secondary structure and my ideals on having kids suited him then back tracked on both these things. I decided enough was enough and we should call it off before we caused each other more pain.

I really believe honesty is the most important aspect of any type of relationship and am very sad that I discovered he was incapable of it. How could a poly relationship work when one person is so full of lies?! I did truly discuss everything with him and gave him every opportunity to be honest. I have a feeling that in truth I was not as important to him as he made out. Mrfarfromright you hit the nail on the head, he met a person in a poly relationship whilst travelling and seemed just concerned with that. I have to say I am still open to a poly relationship, just one established on truth and honesty.
 
Back
Top