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Old 06-05-2011, 10:56 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Someone resurrected another thread about "your ideal relationship" and so I thought about this one, which I started for solos. Since posting my thoughts on it last year, my "ideal" hasn't changed much:

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
. . . to remain independent, living on my own, and to have two to four long-term boyfriends whom I see at varying frequency depending on how involved/invested we are. Like maybe one of them would be someone I see very infrequently for romantic trips or something, and others would be more involved and familiar with my day-to-day life.
I still have no interest in cohabiting with anyone else, as I have really begun to enjoy my apartment and being on my own. I am more open to being involved with a married poly guy than I was back in November, since having met my latest paramour, Burnsy. The caveat would be that I would not want to get involved with a married man who did not have as healthy or stable a relationship, or the kind of approach to poly, as Burnsy and his wife do. I really don't want the drama, no matter how drawn I am to someone, of dealing with a couple in an ailing marriage and all their baggage.

I definitely want more than two steady lovers, but I really don't know why. Having two just doesn't seem like enough for some reason, LOL.

There's this old image in my head, I think from reading Cosmo as a teen or seeing some made-for-TV movie, of an independent woman with steady lovers from all over the world, living in her totally awesome apartment and doing whatever the fuck she wants with her life without anyone else to answer to. I keep seeing this scene in my head where she answers the doorbell and ushers one lover in as another leaves, and everyone's totally cool about it. All her lovers are very different from each other -- maybe one is well-heeled and polished, another is blue-collar, while another is younger and just starting out. She goes with one to museums, galleries, and fancy restaurants, with another to picnics and football games, while another cooks for her at home. The lovemaking is different and exciting with each of them, in their own unique ways, and the woman is happy with herself and her life.

I want to be that woman, but the sad thing is that she's about 20 years younger in my head than I actually am. Sometimes I feel like I've missed the boat and have very little time left to make this all a reality. <sigh>

I thought this thread would also be a good place to re-post parts of some quotes about being poly and solo, that I had added to my blog thread awhile back:

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
From a blogger named Paradox:
"It's kind of a rare thing to find someone who's polyamorous and single. There are far more halves-of-couples and determined bachelors (of all genders). Not as many folks are single in the "more traditional" sense of not being in a partnership and looking for one.

But that's what I am: poly and single. I'm not in a committed relationship, not in a couple, but I want to be. I want a primary partner. It is, in fact, near the top of my priority list. I came to this polyamory thing on my own, not as part of my journey with anyone specific, and I'm looking for someone to share it with.

That's not to say that I'm trying to force every relationship into a primary space. I strongly believe in letting things develop organically and letting every relationship grow into a place that feels comfortable. That's one of the major benefits of polyamory: I can have different relationships at different levels and it's all okay. I am hoping, though, that one of my relationships turns more serious, and I'm ready to nurture anything that goes in that direction. I want to fall in love.

I think these desires give more depth to my meaning of the word "single." When I have the option of saying I'm a solo polyamorist and instead choose to say I'm single, it's more meaningful. I'm not just saying "I'm not in a relationship with anyone right now," I'm saying "I'm looking for a serious relationship along with the other less serious relationships I already have." Which is different. That's all."
I will interject here with a note: When I first posted that to my blog, GroundedSpirit responded that her viewpoint "seems little more than an attempt to relabel the mono model with minor modification." Which is a good point. Her post was the one with which I least identified, perhaps due to her need for a primary. I don't want one main squeeze, or any kind of hierarchical structure. I want to consider all my steady lovers equally, even those who are less frequently in my life (excluding any solely sexual flings).

At Cunning Minx's FB page, "Poly Weekly Hooligans," Vicky wrote :
"I find it really difficult to know when I'm single. I'm seeing different people on a casual and/or secondary basis. What I find annoying is how everyone tries to pair me up with partners who seem to be available (for a primary relationship). I also find annoying how people seem to consider that my secondary relationships aren't "real" relationships . . . [and] that most of the poly material (reading or other kinds) is geared towards people in 1 primary relationship - such as in "opening up your relationship, etc." There's very little on how to be a secondary, and extremely little on how to be a secondary to someone who hasn't got a primary! There's nothing on jealousy towards people who are not your primaries, and so on.

. . . I much prefer the network kind of relationship style, but find it quite hard because others seem not to feel the same way I do and end up pairing and becoming something very similar to monogamous-but-swinger, if not exactly just that.

What I enjoy: being able to see a lot of people without having to discuss or agree. I have my freedom and any coming together goes from there and from an acceptance of who I am. I also make personal plans on an individual basis. I love my network. They're great people. I enjoy the varying degrees of intimacy that change in time and depending on circumstance and how we can still be close even when we're not that intimate anymore. I think what I most enjoy about being single is being seen as an individual rather than someone's partner and being able to do things and decide things on my own rather than jointly, even if I do take other people into account when taking them."
The last paragraph from Vicky is very closely aligned to what would feel right for me. . . . Later, I found a post about not wanting a primary at all from this blogger, Sam :
". . . I don't actually want a primary partner. I like being independent. I like traveling and embarking upon spontaneous activities without having to run it by another . . . I enjoy social situations and solitude equally. (In that same respect, being that I am focused on other things, I wouldn't be able to offer 100% of myself to that person. They would no doubt feel something lacking . . . I don't feel "incomplete" without a significant other...quite the opposite. I feel more complete without a primary!

I don't feel the NEED to . . . be a "we" or an "us". This is a strange and frightening concept for some . . . I want to be involved with someone because I want to be there...not because I feel like I have to be there (and vice versa)."
From Samantha Fraser, at "Not Your Mother's Playground" :
". . . I have no partner, primary or otherwise. I have lovers (some long-term, some short-term, some occasional), and I have people I care for (some on a very deep level, some more casually), but I do not have anyone that I would call a boyfriend / girlfriend, I do not live with anyone, and I am not married.

From a dating aspect. . . I am open & completely upfront about being poly and my poly lifestyle; . . . everyone I become involved with (or may become involved with) is 100% aware of who I am from the very beginning, and they have a choice as to whether or not they wish to become part of this lifestyle . . . Sometimes this honesty has resulted in rejection, but it’s only fair that I tell the truth from the get-go.

. . . Advantages of Being Poly & Single
  • I have no partner to answer to, and therefore feel as if I have more freedom. Of course I respect my lovers & the relationships I have with them, and there are absolutely still negotiations to be done, but . . . there is no primary or boyfriend/girlfriend that I must account my actions to. I can date or have relations with anyone or as many people as I want, and the only person’s opinion I need be concerned with is my own. (Safer sex is always practiced, as it should be in any type of relationship, particularly where multiple partners are involved.)
  • I’m already ‘out’ and open about my status, so I can avoid the (often painful) process of coming out as a couple. (I also get to avoid the annoying ‘But HOW does an open/poly relationship work?’
  • By identifying as a single poly female, holy cats! Have I ever become popular! . . . maybe some folks are equating ‘single poly female’ with ‘fucks everything that walks’ (which I don’t, by the way-but I could if I wanted to!)…but oh boy, did my dating life ever flourish when I came out publicly. Up until recently, I’d never dated this much in my entire adult life – and damned if I’m not having a helluva lot of fun doing it."
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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