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Old 03-28-2011, 05:17 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

No offence intended, hopefully this will just give you a little different perspective.
When I read the first post in this thread, my immediate mental response was "well maybe the gf is being immature-but it sounds to me like a reoccurring theme, because you are as well."
The whole post came off as a temper tantrum. I feel safe in saying that, because I've "thrown" enough of my own (feel free to browse through past threads) to know what they read like.

You all made choices and those choices led to current circumstances.
You all are responsible to suffer the consequences of your choices.
He wants her.
You don't.
She's there due to choices YOU made as well.

My opinions:

1.It would be unfair to "just kick her to the curb".
2.His comment about PMS was ignorant.
3.Educational material on non-violent communication would be good for all three of you (or buy the book and read it together).
4.Educational material on PMS would be good for him at the least.
5. You all need to look for some creative adaptive solutions (ie-solutions that allow for ALL THREE OF YOU to have your needs met w/o any one of you being mistreated, demeaned or otherwise neglected)
6. it's unfair and wrong of you to call her your gf if you don't have those feelings for her-you are lying to yourself and her-be honest and real, call it a V, build a friendship.
7. it might benefit you to read some of my wordpress blog, to get a perspective on what you are asking of him.
8. It might benefit him to read it too-to get some perspective on how to more reasonable ask of you what he's needing.
9. You could ALL benefit from finding Ceoli's thread on being a third from this board and read the whole thing-because you are treating your "third" like shit.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, if you're sitting down - try to stand up right now. Did you stand up? Oops, too late! You weren't trying, you were standing. How do you try to stand? You're either sitting or standing. We can't really try to do something. As Yoda says, "Do, or do not. There is no try." I just hope, for your sake Ambleew, that he is more committed to doing than he has been, because just trying ain't gonna cut it. AND realize that progress can only be determined if it's measurable, so I think you should have an agreement to discuss how it's going within a set time frame and if you're still not happy with certain things, more work needs to be done!
Nycindie-I love you! This should just be copied repeatedly all over the place!

Originally Posted by Carma View Post
Hmm. I'm not necessarily hearing abuse here -- Am's husband may be being brutally honest. The "chip on the shoulder" comment? Well -- isn't it true that if he gives up the gf FOR Am, he will be resentful?

Also, regarding the PMS statement? I tend to attribute that to ignorance, rather than malice. We have a whole generation of people who have learned that PMS is a great way to explain things that are confusing to us. It became a convenient excuse not to really listen and try to understand what women are really thinking and feeling. I hope your husband will open his mind a bit and choose to become enlightened! Otherwise, well -- maybe the gf and he deserve each other - ?!
These two thoughts-I concur. Stupid remark about PMS-absolutely, so get some educational info.

Honesty in the "chip on the shoulder" yes, so accept the honesty for what it is, HONEST.
Honesty isn't about telling someone what they want to hear, it's about telling them the TRUTH and often times-the truth hurts. shrug

As for the attitude that your problems are your problems-again, that's TRUE. His problems are HIS problems, yours are yours. YOU need to prioritize finding yourself and identifying your needs and how YOU can meet YOUR needs. It's not his job. The sooner you do that, the sooner YOU can find true happiness in YOUR LIFE-whether that includes him, or not.
(I say that lovingly-cause it sucks to learn that lesson-I suffered the lesson myself recently enough to say that the burn from it still stings)
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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