How to deal with this?

LadyMoon

New member
How do you deal when your mad at one and in the middle of a fight, and all the other wants to do is make you laugh and smile?

I was in an argument with my husband, and the boyfriend did stay out of it, but he was trying to make me smile and laugh. I really just wanted to be mad for a time. But kinda hard when the other is trying his best to be sweet. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or yell at the boyfriend for making me laugh.

I know stupid thing to be confused about, but uggg!!!
 
I walk away because I prefer that my partners respect where I am emotionally in any given moment. It's ok if they aren't there, but it's not ok to try to change where I am unless I have asked for help in doing that.
So-I walk away.
My bf is prone to doing that. Dh knows better.
 
Yeah well BF wasn't here, he is a truck driver and called just to check in. He asked what was wrong and heard it in my voice. I told him, nothing DH and I are arguing and he spent the entire phone call trying to make me laugh. I wasn't really in the mood for that, so I lied and said yeah I am laughing and smiling just to make him feel better lol. But still I wasn't sure how to handle this.

We are all new in this relationship and I am just not sure how to handle these situations.
 
I can understand how that would arise.
I came to poly via cheating-so lying, even for "little things" is a big no-no in my world.
I would have been honest and told him "I know you want to make me feel better and I appreciate the thought-but the truth is that what makes me feel best is when you support me as I work through the emotions I'm having. It just upsets me and confuses me when you try to make me laugh-becuase then I am not being authentic about my emotions; which means I'm lying to myself and you."

Sometimes; we don't even realize that what we are doing is creating a dynamic where lying is "natural". But if we start consciously paying attention, we can stop it. The more authentic and true we are to whatever it is we are really experiencing, the more we can learn and grow from it (as can the people around us).
 
Yeah your right the little white lie was wrong. I just wasn't sure how to handle it at the moment. I was pissed at DH and BF was trying his hardest to make me smile. I just couldn't let him know I was not in the mood lol. We have so much to learn to make this all work out.
 
It is ok in the moment to say "I don't know what I need right now. I am upset. But I know that I do not need humor stuff. I see you are trying to help, but really I just need a time out to gather myself together. When could I call you later? Is 8 PM ok?"

If you wanted to just process your anger at the time? And tell him so?

BF: What's wrong?

You: Just had argument with DH. Now I just want to process my anger.

BF: (spending call trying to make you laugh.)

You: I see that you are concerned for me and want to help comfort me with humor. But I am not in the mood or ready to engage in humor stuff. I am in the mood to process my anger:


At this time, I prefer to do it alone...
When is a good time for me to call you back when I am in better humor and can do a better phone visit with you? How about 8 PM?

At this time I would not mind processing some of it with you if you could be willing to just listen the way I want it for 30 min. Could you be willing?

If so, I can explain what I need in detail so you can see if you are able at this time to do it the way I need before going deep.

If not willing at this time? Or not enough time to do it well? We could make a date later to do it, or I could process with someone else first and update you with cliff notes later.

I am good either way. What do you prefer?


There. Done.

Don't lie. Then you get more of what you don't want -- jokey time when you are angry because he thinks it worked for you last time.

Could help him to do WELL by you by teaching him how you want to be treated and how you want to navigate emotional territory in future.

Could not lie to him about your emotional state/preferences and be teaching him how to treat you wrong. That serves neither of you well.

Galagirl
 
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Yeah that is how I should have dealt with it. He is also going through a lot right now and I guess I was overly worried about his feelings. Like I said we have so much to learn to make this all work out.
 
It happens.

You can always tell him later "Hey, remember that call? I was thinking... could have handled it better and I had some ideas. Want to hear about it?"

Galagirl
 
It happens.

You can always tell him later "Hey, remember that call? I was thinking... could have handled it better and I had some ideas. Want to hear about it?"

Galagirl


Yeah there is that and a lot of things that we need to have some sit downs about. Like I said we are all so very very new to this. I am very thankful for this forum and the people in it. I am going to need a lot of support.
 
It's all good. Don't beat yourself up.

You know how I learned the lesson about "little white lies"?
I had a full fledged long term affair, got pregnant, had an abortion and had complications requiring help from my husband.
EEK!

In comparison, needing to say "um.. you know, I was on the spot and unsure how to proceed, but during that call when I was upset; I know you wanted to cheer me up but.."
Seems MINOR! ;)

We ALL screw up. Every single one of us. So by all means; please don't think I was coming down on you! Not at all!
Just giving you some food for thought on how you could proceed in the future. :)
 
We ALL screw up. Every single one of us. So by all means; please don't think I was coming down on you! Not at all!
Just giving you some food for thought on how you could proceed in the future. :)

Oh no I didn't think that at all. In fact I appreciate the advice. That is why I came here. You are doing exactly what I need. This is all just so new to me, I thank you and everyone else who has given me some help on how to deal with all of this.
 
If your BF is anything like me, my first inclination is to "fix" things.

It sounds like to me that he was trying to fix the situation. It has taken many conversations twith my wife and daughter for me to understand that sometimes they don't want things to be fixed. Many times they just want me to empathize. I can never figure out what they want from me, i. e. a solution or sympathetic ear, so often I have to ask. But that's only after many years of training.

If your BF is like me, he's going to be pretty dense about knowing what you're looking for in these types of conversations. You may have to explain it in simple terms that while you appreciate what he's trying to do when trying to cheer you up, but that cheering up isn't what you need. That what you need is someone to commiserate with you, to experience and validate your feelings. To let you feel what you're feeling without trying to fix them.

Be patient with him. It's hard to see someone you love go through turmoil. It's natural to want to do what you can to alleviate it. You may have to tell him many times that yiu don't want to be fixed, just to be heard.
 
Thanks Big Guy. I didn't even tell him the topic of the fight, I just told him that we were fighting. One of the agreements we made getting into this was we must stay out of each other's fights. A fight between me and hubby is a fight between me and hubby, a fight between me and boyfriend is a fight between me and boyfriend. He didn't push on the what are you fighting about issue, or anything like that, he was just trying to make me smile is all.

It's the kind of guy he is, he likes to see people smile and laugh. He is a bit of a goof ball and that is why I fell in love with him way back when and why I feel back in love with him now.

I have since had a talk with him and told him that he does just need to give me a chance to be mad from time to time. I know that is going to be hard for him cause that is the kind of guy he is.
 
One of the agreements we made getting into this was we must stay out of each other's fights.

This is a very good and healthy agreement. Me and my guys did not make an agreement about this, but they both are very good at not interfering in my fights with the other. They might ask what it is that I am upset about but they keep their opinions to themselves.

I have since had a talk with him and told him that he does just need to give me a chance to be mad from time to time. I know that is going to be hard for him cause that is the kind of guy he is.

This is an interpersonal skill that will benefit him in the future, if he can learn it. You won't be the only person that needs to be able to experience all possible emotions in his presence.
 
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Yes we are still very much in the make the rules process, but slowly but surely we are starting to get an understanding going. Yes I told BF that DH and I were arguing, he did not even ask what the fight was. He kept to that end of the rules very well. He just wanted me to cheer up and I just wasn't in the mood. I do know that I should have said something but I didn't. Since the talk he said he will try his best to follow that, but giving his personality I know this will be hard for him. I guess we are all under one great big learning curve.
 
Right now I hear "Don't try to make me laugh when I am mad."

vs

"Don't try to make me laugh when I am mad. (what not to do). Say ____ instead to me. (what to do.)"

Could be easier on both if you told him both examples of behavior TO do and behavior NOT do.

It is a process. You will get there. Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
Right now I hear "Don't try to make me laugh when I am mad."

vs

"Don't try to make me laugh when I am mad. (what not to do). Say ____ instead to me. (what to do.)"

Could be easier on both if you told him both examples of behavior TO do and behavior NOT do.

It is a process. You will get there. Hang in there.

Galagirl

That is good advice and I might just try that. At least he respected my feelings and the rule on lets stay our of each other's fights, which is a good start. Since he is the newcomer to the relationship and DH and I have been married for 12 years and are both set in our ways of dealing with each other, we felt it very important to set up that rule. The fact that he backed off on that is a very good start. And this was the first time that this had come up. I guess we will have to make up more rules as we go along and situations like this come up.
 
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