View Single Post
Old 01-15-2010, 09:33 PM
Rarechild's Avatar
Rarechild Rarechild is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: SW Michigan
Posts: 600
Default Straight up, RP :)

Redpepper, it's obvious you put a lot of thought into your post. Thanks. I have a lot to say on the subject of cheating and I thank you for putting so much feeling into your writing.

In response to your questions:

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I wonder if others subscribe to the point of view of a relationship works best if the partners all give evenly to the relationship 100% and what that means to them.
Yes, I do. I connect this concept with each individual taking responsibility for the path that they're traveling. As an individual, to me this means I open myself to experiences constantly in an effort to grow, to connect ideas with reality, to learn. As a partner in a relationship, this means I share my journey with someone else openly, and allow them to change my life. It means that I'm always making time to share my thoughts, feelings, and especially actions, experiences, time, body, etc. That's the fuzzy ideal.

The most important thing about the "maintain" in "How to have and maintain healthy relationships" for me is accepting that to share openly with someone in this way will reveal ugliness and inability to cope just as much as it will reveal orgasmic connection and growth together with a loved one. Giving 100% means the darkness and the light come just as strong.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
What can be done if one person is giving a relationship 100% and the other isn't?
It's going to happen. One will get distracted by something overwhelming and not have the tools to deal. Sometimes it takes awhile for an issue to get resolved. Sometimes I have to be satisfied to be patient and keep trying. If it lasts too long without progress, then it's time to reconsider whether the relationship can be healthy again.

What can be done? Oh, a number of things. And it gets really messy sometimes as one tries to pull the other back. Everything is weighted. Nothing is clear. Even when there is love and respect for the other, many times the issue is love and respect for self that is so hard to face.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
What can be done to take what we know about cheating and affairs and make it a useful tool so that people can be healed from it rather than hurt from it?
I've been a cheater. I've been cheated on. Of course it's terrible. Any lie is. I find it really interesting RP that you ask how it can be used as a tool to heal. I have experienced that in my life.

As a recovering cheater, I rarely chime in on the subject because I am frustrated by the dogmatic absolutes that people throw out about cheating. It's sort of like drug addiction. Of course it's terrible and harmful and no one should be a junkie, but it's a mistake to think it can't happen to you, to proceed as if you're immune. I've been a drug addict too. And my loved ones still value me, and I do my best to value myself.

For me, it has been vital to who I am to see myself in the mirror at these low points. Sometimes it takes a catalyst or two to spur tremendous growth. These times have acted as challenges in my life, and when I choose to act on my mistakes instead of condemning myself or ignoring them and burning bridges, they act as a benchmark for progress I have made as a person. They help me continue to move forward knowing what to avoid and how to love better. They give me compassion for others and a way to start a dialogue when someone else faces the same dangers.

It depends on so many factors what will happen when someone cheats. In my case, I confessed immediately and moved out of the house to re-evaluate myself because I knew I was spiraling out of control mentally and had been for awhile, - I needed to get my shit straight. Over a year later, that self-destructive move I made has been the catalyst that my husband and I have used to really commit to each other, love each other madly again, finally be honest with one another about so many things. I regret the pain I caused, but I know I am forgiven, and that took so much work. I don't regret the work.

My husband is the most amazing man I've ever known, it must be said.
"Rocks will open and make a way for the lover."
~Hazrat Inayat Khan

I love Catfish and Charlie.
Reply With Quote