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Old 09-08-2012, 06:49 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,727

I put some thoughts into words today and thought I would share. I have been trying to explain to Brad how I don't have any primaries or secondaries and why. I have a husband (PN), sure, but I have never thought of him as primary from the get go. My love is just as important and vital to my life as my husband or any of the other loves I have.

I think its because I chose whom I agree with and don't agree with and just because I have a commitment with someone doesn't mean I have to agree with everything they do. That for me was a profound understanding of myself in terms of my independence from others. I have my own set of values. I don't meld with those that I am partnered with. Its mine. I created it and I nurture it.

I find that often couples entering poly think that they have to support everything their partner does and be there for them regardless of how it effects them. I don't agree with that. I think it is okay to say to them, "you know sweety, I don't agree with what you are doing (this is why) but I love you enough to not let it come between us, so I think you have to go do that yourself and find others to support you on that one." It means that you can have a separate life from you partner yet still be committed to them.

I have different friends from my husband, different loves, different hobbies, even different dreams, but when I committed for life, I meant it and intend to be there regardless of what he does. I make that same commitment to every partner I have. I commit to being present in OUR RELATIONSHIP, not in everything they do. That is why I have no primary. I am responsible for how I represent myself and I will do what it takes to portray who I am as a person, not as a unit of two or more.
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