Long info dump vent...

Every two weeks or so...

Well it seems that about every two weeks or so I start getting all weird and emotional about this whole "affair". Maybe it is my hormones after all.

So we all got together this last Saturday at Bristol and for all intents and purposes had a good time. We (Elric and I) had a little bit of time to just us and we had a little bit of talk, but the bigger conversation happened later.

But first, I did find it strange that he went off by himself a couple times, once for almost 45 minutes. :( He didn't really have much of a reason as Cajun was chasing after our daughter most of the day and not with us really and my mom was also not with us. We did have two other friends with us, one who did his own thing or hung out with Cajun and the other who happened to arrive at the same time as Elric and hung out with he and I. I did ask Elric about his walking off and all he said was that he hadn't really thought about it until a little later when he thought he could be doing this with me instead. Well duh!

But the time that we had to ourselves was great! We chatted and flirted a bit, I challenged him twice to archery where we both won once, we talked a little about serious stuff and just had a nice time being together. There was even a semi-intimate moment which still makes my heart and stomach flutter.

So, bigger conversation... Elric joined Cajun, baby, mom and I for dinner afterwards and I drove with Elric. At first the drive was ok, a little playful banter, which is good and then silence. Surprisingly, he asked me what was up as I was so quiet. I asked him if he was afraid of me (psycho ex-girlfriend thing) or afraid of being around me. He admitted that he was a little afraid, but not of my going weird, but of how he feels. He admitted that he still is very attracted to me and that part of him, his baser part as he says, keeps telling him to go ahead. But this other part keeps saying "SHE'S MARRIED!".

We actually started getting somewhere with this conversation. It was a real give and take conversation where we were both talking calmly and rationally and no one was getting all emotional or taking over...until we got to the restaurant and my mom called to see how long we would be. :mad: We probably would have sat there for awhile just to get stuff out, but I/we couldn't keep them waiting especially since mom doesn't know (although I know she suspects something and I really should have a chat with her, but at this point I don't know what to really tell her or what I need to tell her).

I wanted to talk to him again, I had a lot that I wanted to say and ask and talk about but Sunday we were both exhausted and I had no privacy, so we said Monday. Well we didn't get home until 10:30 and I didn't get online till 11:30 and he was getting ready to crash so he promised Tuesday. I started getting sick yesterday and so sent him a message around 10:45 and apparently he didn't get online till almost midnight. So now we are at today. I have yet to hear from him in any way and I find that depressing in itself. He got my message so a note saying "ok" or "sorry to hear you are feeling crappy" would have been nice...but nothing! And he hasn't been on yet tonight either and I know I'm being self-centered or paranoid when I say this but I wonder if he's "going ninja" and trying to avoid me and the conversation.

On a positive note though, he told me that he had a date Friday night which led to sex and surprisingly I didn't really have a problem with that, well the sex at least. I do feel envious of the time he spent with her, and it was strange that when he told me, the first part (date) gave me a gut pang, but the second didn't. I suppose that could be construed as a good thing, yes?

Now I just want to talk to him again. We were finally getting past the awkwardness and talking again, not just about us but about life and things in general. I know you will probably say, he's probably just busy/tired again like last time, and part of me knows that this is probably true, but that doesn't help unfortunately, I still miss my friend very much, and I miss my almost lover even more, how could I not when he admits to wanting to be with me!

Vent vent vent vent vent... gush gush gush gush gush

Thanks for reading y'all. I should probably get ready for bed as it is 12:40 and I am tired and still recouping, slight dehydration most likely, although I want to stay up for a while longer to see if he shows... waiting for that phone call anyone? Is that pathetic or what?
 
Honey. It isn't pathetic to be in pain. But it is probably something you will have to let go. Expressing attraction and emotion and being able to act on that are different things. As he said, he can't help but think "she's married". If his wiring is completely against being able to handle a poly relationship, there you have the answer. Maybe he's afraid you're trying to sort of talk him into it with the continued discussions. Unless he's the one bringing them up, in which case he has to come to some sort of decision or stop confusing you in this way. But if you're the one pushing the issue, you might just be pushing him away-as a lover and as a friend. I know it's hard, but don't lose sleep over it. He'll come to his own decisions and his own comfort level. All you can do is allow him the time and space to do that.
 
"Hopes up Warning":eek:

I think you should really focus on what's real V. What's real is that you can't accept him as just a friend and are torturing yourself with hopes he will "change".

From my stand point you expect a lot out of him as just a friend with the need for replies and good nights consistently. The idea of you being jealous of his 45 minute walks is also a warning sign. You are awfully possessive of what he does considering he is your friend.

I wish you could just enjoy his friendship and let him enjoy yours V. Careful V...don't push him away by trying to keep him closer.

Take care
Mono
 
Thanks guys,

I know that I seem to keep repeating myself. And I'm sure you are getting tired of the broken record that is me. lol

@XYZ123: You are right about needing to let things go. Although I do bring up the questions most often, I have told him many times that if he is not comfortable with talking about it or if he just plain doesn't want me to bring it up anymore, say so. He feels that if it is something I need to talk about, he is ok with that. I do my best to not make it seem like I'm trying to change his mind, since that is not the purpose to my questions. The purpose is solely to understand and he is all for that. And I don't bring up the deep issues every time we talk either, I usually give him some notice too so he has a chance to say, I really don't feel up to talking about that tonight/right now. We are honest with each other. It is not an imagined honesty or a protective honesty either.

@Mono: I'm sorry if you got the impression that I was jealous of the 45 minutes away. It was more just concern. When you set up to go somewhere with a friend or friends, as a group, wouldn't you think that you would do things together? If it was, "Hey I'm gonna go catch this show while you guys do whatever, meet up with you over here later" it would not have been a concern. Even "I'm gonna go wander while you do this" would have been great, but all we (I wasn't the only one there after all) got was, "I'll be back in a bit, meet you at this spot." So, maybe it sounds like I'm justifying my thoughts, but I wasn't the only one to wonder where he had been gone to for so long, and it was our friend who suggested I call him to see where he went.

As for the goodnight and replies... So maybe you hang up the phone without saying goodbye and you don't reply when a friend sends you a message saying that they can't stick around any longer for a chat that was supposed to happen because you aren't feeling well... I say goodnight and would reply, and most of my friends do as well. I do expect these things from him because as a friend he had done that before the whole poly thing was brought up. When there is a change in a person's normal behavior, don't you wonder why? If your normally cheerful friend comes up to you all frowning, don't you ask what's up? If someone who normally answers the phone with "Hey!" suddenly starts answering with "Hello." wouldn't you find it strange? People, especially friends, have certain quirks and habits that we get used to and when they start doing things differently, we have the right and responsibility to ask if everything is ok, especially if they are our friends.

I really am trying to be careful not to push him away. And I know that if I start pushing he WILL let me know. He has before when he felt pressured back when it was evil me. And yes, my hopes are going up and down, some due to unfinished conversations but I think most due to hormones...there does seem to be a pattern to these rants of mine.

Do I hope he will change his mind? I'd be lying if I said no. Am I going to actively try to change his mind? No. We are still going to discuss things because he has confusions as much as I do, it's not black and white for him either, and if in the process things change, woohoo. If not, we have a stronger friendship because we understand each other better. He says he feels the same way about this as I do. He has said that only time can tell whether his feelings about being in a poly relationship will change. Am I waiting for this to happen? Perhaps a little. I admit it. Currently, I can't see myself out looking and trying to find someone to be a part of our family. The whole reason I and we are even here is because of how he and I feel about each other. But I am not holding my breath anymore and I am doing my best not to let this affect my normal every day life.

Can I accept him as just a friend. Yes. I already do. That doesn't mean that I can't hope for more. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. The best in this case would be a real attempt at a relationship with him. The worst would be we settle into a nice comfortable friendship. Neither of us can imagine not having the other in their life.

The facts as they currently stand: He is attracted to me. He would love to have a relationship with me. He is afraid of his jealousy getting in the way and poisoning my marriage. He has certain views of marriage, applicable or not, that are confusing him because he "shouldn't" feel this way or have these thoughts about a married woman. These are things he wants to talk about with me. We both enjoy intelligent and philosophical discussions like this and if it helps him to solidify his thoughts an emotion, in either direction, then some good has come out of it.

Anyway, I'm off for now. Still recouping and am supposed to go to my Thursday group tonight.

Thank you both, and I really do take your words seriously and your opinions to heart, whether I agree or not. ;)
 
The worst would be we settle into a nice comfortable friendship. Neither of us can imagine not having the other in their life.


I beg to differ. The "worst" would be having a "relationship", things don't work, and not being in each others' lives at all.

The "nice comfortable friendship" to me seems like the best scenario.

This looks like a case of "you can't always get what you want, but sometimes you can get what you need".

You need to think about the glass that is half-empty and half-full, both at the same time.

I wish I could go back a few months and take my own advice, as well as some of the others' I've read here.
 
Last edited:
I know that the worst really is that we can't be friends...but my gut, my true instinct says that that won't happen, and whenever I listen to it, it doesn't lead me astray.

Maybe my hubby "spoiled" me in a sense. Before we got married, he had broken up with me telling me that he just could not see us married. Ok, my husband said that. Obviously something changed. 10 months later we were back together, 7 months later we were living together again, a year and a few months later engaged and 8 months after that married. Perhaps that has put on some rose-tinted lenses when it comes to Elric. Give him time and understandinig and whatever conversation or discussions we want and need from eachother and we shall see what happens. Or maybe I can't get what I want, but he is someone I need in my life, so on that count you may be completely correct. But given time, who knows what can happen.
 
All righty! Feeling pretty good right now, and only time will tell (and hormones I suppose)

Elric and I had probably the best conversation of all our attempts. He has felt that he was going in circles telling me the same thing over and over, which in a way was true but with different reasons for what he was telling me. But he was telling me over and over because I never really had my chance to say what I needed to say. That finally happened last night.

We set up a meet time and started talking at 10pm and talking and talking and talking back and forth, give and take, a real dialogue between us that lasted for almost 5 hours! I was able to respond to things he has said in the past and to also get a lot of feelings and questions off of my chest and he was able to respond to both. There were hard times and joking but the important thing is that I think I finally said what I needed to say and got what I needed from him.

He was able to explain his feelings better and I got a look into his mind and heart as I hope he got a look into mine. He does love me as a friend but he has "let go" of trying/wanting to love me as more. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt, but it's not the searing pain of my earlier broken heart.

When we finished the conversation and said good night I even had a bit of a smile on my face, perhaps knowing that yes, I can move on now.

Now I can only hope that my hormones and other chemicals don't get in my way. :rolleyes: Now I think I can finally put some of this behind me and start working on my other problems...one thing off my over flowing plate, lets see what's next.

I'm looking forward to see where our friendship takes us. He is one of the best friends I have ever had and although I am sad that it probably will never be more than that, I truly feel I can be content with that. I say probably because you never can know if things will change, not that I'm hoping really, just saying, anything is possible. ;)
 
This is fantastic Vandalin!! Hold on to that healthy connection and just let life roll. Great news :)
 
Thanks Mono, I really have a good feeling about it this time.
 
That's great. Sometimes you need that closure.
 
I hate my hormones!!!!! I think they are trying to F with me again and let loose my devils advocate. I have no rational reason to think anything has changed or gone wrong. Elric and I are still supposed to get together for dinner Thursday night (did I mention that in a post somewhere) but spending this week by myself is really hard. I had expected it but you know how you can never truly prepare for some things, well this is one of those things for me. He is the only person in the area that knows I'm here again and I wonder if I do that on purpose...other than not wanting to have to explain to anyone else why I'm here in IL without my husband or daughter or both, staying at a hotel alone... And my brain is going a thousand miles a minute and today Elric has been popping into my mind about every 25-30 miles in both guises as friend and as a man I love! GAH!!! Really need to go take some Tylenol or something. Sorry, had to rant a little. Thanks for listening.
 
I worry about you V. You seem to put yourself in situations that confuse you. Hope you are doing OK.
 
lol, thanks Mono. I worry about myself sometimes too. I'm doing better today at least, it really is a day by day thing for me. I have a psych appointment at the end of the month to re-evaluate my meds so hopefully that will help and make things more of a week by week or month by month thing instead of a day by day thing. ;)

The purpose of being alone this week is to work on myself. What I want and need. Where do I want to go with my life and etc. I came here specifically because I feel safe and comfortable at this hotel and as it is next to the town I grew up in I know the area. Plus my Marsh is here which is where I finally will be able to go spend some time at today and just sit and relax and think and write.

If you are concerned about the dinner tomorrow night, I am too, but not. I am more worried about trying to get through the evening without any of our usual drama. That is the whole purpose, to get together with a friend and hang out. This is a good thing, really. Confusing, a little, but without the moving on in our friendship and seeing that we can just hang out as friends, I'd be in a much worse mental and emotional position.

Ok, I have to go eat and get my stuff together for my Marsh visit. But I'll be back, probably Friday at least to let you all know how dinner went. :)
 
So tonight sucked. I'd had a feeling all day that this evening was gonna be disappointing and I was right, but not the way I expected at all. So I get a call from Elric after he leaves work which is when he is supposed to be coming over. Instead he's on his was to the hospital cause his dad had to have emergency surgery. He's doing ok thankfully. Elric feels bad since he did want to see me and now instead of having time to talk and whatever I get to see him for his lunch break tomorrow since I'm picking up Cajun at the airport tomorrow night.

And yes, I am glad his dad is doing ok and that he spent the time with his family, but I am very disappointed and envious since this was supposed to be our time and I probably won't be back in town until December.

I just have one last thing to say... Elric's and my timing must SUCK!!! I swear "destiny" or "fate" or whatever just don't want us hanging out even.
 
"destiny" or "fate" or whatever just don't want us hanging out even.

Just trust in them V. I'm sure they have your welfare in mind when they throw curve balls...I know that doesn't help but I'll give you a smile too :) there..that's better!
 
Thanks Mono. :) I think I get what you are saying.

And I really appreciated what you had to say in your last topic start. It really has me thinking again about things I have to work on. I really want to be a part of Elrics life even if it just as a friend. I know I can do it, I just have to do some work on myself first I think. So maybe it's a good thing that we won't see each other again until December, and even that is a maybe. Hopefully in the next couple of months I can get my head in the right place and in line with my heart. :)
 
There is no one person in this world that doesn't have something to work on V. It's a part of being human. :)
 
How true that is.

He's coming by today after work...or at least that is the plan. I'll know for sure in the next 15 minutes. :) I'll let you know all the juicy detail. ;P (yeah like there are going to be any. lol)
 
Well, like I feared, no juicy details.

He was unable to come after work as he had an appointment which he had forgotten about. We did talk for about 30 minutes on the phone on his way to the appointment. He really does feel bad about missing out on getting together with me and that he was afraid I was thinking he was avoiding me, which he assured me that he wasn't.

But Cajun's flight came in on time and we spent the rest of the weekend together and had a nice time and an uneventful drive back home.

Who knows where this is going to go now. Maybe I'll start a new chapter as I think I am feeling like a border or wall has been placed between the past and the present and future of our (Elric & my) relationship. But that is probably a very good thing. :) I see that border as "what's passed is past, time to start working on the future."

So, to the future! *cheers*
 
Back
Top