Having trouble adjusting to husband's new girlfriend

Fiona

New member
Just what it sounds like. In the past, I've had my own insecurities about people my husband has dated, but I've recognized them as exactly that and dealt with them accordingly.

This new person just makes me uneasy. She seems like a lot of drama, most of which I won't get into here. There are a few major issues for me, including that they broke one of our fundamental agreements at the beginning of their involvement, they spend most of their time together drinking heavily, she has expressed frustration/impatience if my husband or I contact each other when they're hanging out (it doesn't happen often, but sometimes it can't be avoided) and a few other things that set off alarm bells for me, including that she has never been in a poly relationship before and doesn't seem to have any idea how to handle...well, anything. I am tired of feeling like her poly experiment.

This situation has caused trouble not only in my relationship with my husband, but even in the one between me and my other partner. This makes me feel angry and helpless.

When I try to talk to my husband about this, he gets very defensive and asks if I want him to break up with her. I'm not sure; on one hand, I guess I do. On the other, I don't want to play that card unless I absolutely have to - it doesn't seem like it'll fix anything now. Sigh. But I don't like her, and I don't feel like I can trust her (or my husband) either.

Had a similar experience? Any advice to offer? Thank you in advance.
 
Through most of your post, I was thinking about how I'd normally think/say something like how you're not dating her, you don't need to trust her, you only need to trust your husband. Express your concerns to him and set boundaries about not allowing her drama into your relationship, and let him handle his own relationships. But then you said:

and I don't feel like I can trust her (or my husband) either.

Though you put "or my husband" in parentheses, as though it is an aside, it's a big deal. It's not a trifle. It's important. And telling. And scary. This needs to be resolved, and fast.

What do you not trust, and why? What needs to happen for him to gain (or regain) your trust?

In general, for my own relationships, I just trust my partners and let them deal with their significant others; there's no reason for me to need to trust the significant others BECAUSE I have trust in my partner's capability to manage relationships.

I'd also be especially concerned about how/why this girl's drama has spilled into your relationship with your husband, and with your other partner. This should be unnecessary. Can you give examples of how this has happened, and what impact it's had?
 
Maybe reframe it? Make it less about her presence in your spouse's life and more about how his behavior had resulted in uneasiness and less trust in the relationship between you and he? The drinking heavily and breaking of agreements right away is concerning. Perhaps focus more on that than her specifically. You are right - if he does this with the next girlfriend than you are back where you started. Has he done similar actions with other partners? Or just lost his mind where she is concerned?
 
Thank you for your responses. My husband hasn't behaved this way with other people; he really does seem to have lost his mind when it comes to her.

As for the not trusting: they broke one of mine and my husband's major agreements (no oral sex or intercourse until both parties have been tested) while they were drunk. This is a HUGE red flag to me.

There was a situation in which her actions (or lack thereof) affected me, my husband, and my partner; my evening with my partner (and a very emotional and much-needed discussion) was interrupted because she forgot something at home and my husband was insisting that I bring the car home so he could take her to her place. I did, and was very resentful about it, and my partner was extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing. She didn't even apologize for inconveniencing us.

She and my husband had a condom break, and thank god she can't get pregnant (or so she says) but I didn't find out about this until almost a week later. I was livid and felt like he had been lying to me (though he says he didn't want to tell me when I was out of town.)

I don't even know if I'm being unreasonable anymore. I can't think objectively about this at all. I don't think that she is adding anything to my husband's life except stress and drama. I don't know what would have to happen for me to trust him again, but I have been reluctant to be close to him or spend much time with him lately. He has been jealous of my other relationship, and I wonder if he's trying to get back at me in some way (though, for what? For having a happy, stable, loving, honest outside relationship? That seems ridiculous.)
 
The only person you can control in any situation is yourself. If he's being unsafe sexually you can insist that he uses condoms with you. For sure he isn't making good desisions right now. He's wrapped up in NRE. Chances are it will pass and once the shine wears off he'll probably wonder why he ever decided to be with her.

I think since he has a track record of conducting himself well in other poly relationships that he will come around eventually. You need to do whatever it is that you need to do to protect yourself emotionally and physically. I don't know what that is going to look like for you because it's different for everyone. Let him know what your personal boundaries are and why they are in place.
 
Derbylicious, that's a very good point, and helps me to feel somewhat less panicky about the whole thing. And we always use condoms anyway, so that's taken care of, at least.

I really appreciate some perspective on this; thanks so much to everyone who has replied.
 
Wow, I really feel for you.

"I have been reluctant to be close to him or spend much time with him lately. He has been jealous of my other relationship, and I wonder if he's trying to get back at me in some way"

That is scary to me. I have seen many relationships go sour very quickly when this type of dynamic takes root. I would nip it in the bud strongly or fear that it grow very big very quickly and be harder to remedy later.

There is nothing wrong with vetoing her. They broke a core rule. She is causing your primary relationship trouble. That is what a veto is for. If you can't use it when you need to use it then it's no good bothering to talk about even the concept of being able to veto.

I would say to use it. Veto her. See where his head and priorities are. It will clarify things for you. Not fun, but not worse than the mire you are trudging through right now.

For what it's worth and nothing more.

Blessings.
WindStar
 
Take my advice with a grain of salt. I have no idea what I am talking about.

That said -- what does your husband say when you bring up these issues with him? Have you asked him what he gains from the relationship? It sounds like you have expressed your discomfort to him -- have you told him that you don't want to use your veto, but you would prefer that they stop seeing each other?

You said in your first post he got defensive when you talked about it. Do you think there is a way to change the mode of communication so he doesn't feel as defensive?
 
I think that, perhaps, the issue can be helped if you are clear about your personal boundaries and make sure that everyone knows there are consequences for crossing them.

As for handling how upsetting this can be for you, your post reminded me of an email I got recently. I subscribe to a newsletter from a life coach about recovering from divorce (how pathetic am I?) and in the latest one, there's an article about not putting up with an ex's "bad behavior." I think some of what it said can apply in many relationships/dynamics. Here are a few tidbits (just substitute the word "ex" with any problematic person, as in a drama queen metamour or overly-defensive hubby ;). I took out some wording specific to divorce.) :

"It's all about boundaries. If you are to heal, let go, and move on... you must create a safe and secure environment for yourself. No one else can do this for you. You must take back control of your life.

The first step is to determine what the upsets are that keep you stuck and emotionally reactive.

Start a Deficit Journal

Begin noticing what causes you upset or any other negative emotion. For instance:
  • If you talk to your ex [or lover/spouse/metamour, etc.] and always end up with a negative reaction, that's an entry.
  • If your ex becomes angry when you speak, that's an entry.
  • If drinking 5 cups of coffee makes you feel badly, that's an entry.
Next, look at a specific entry, and determine how you can eliminate or control it. ...we can set boundaries that protect us.

For example, if when talking to your ex on the phone, he or she gets angry and abusive, it's time to explain to them your new boundary. Here is what you might say:

"Right now you're angry, and you're being abusive to me. That is something that I can no longer accept. Being emotional serves neither of us. I want you to know that when you become angry and abusive, I will end the conversation. I don't want it to be a surprise to you in the future if I hang up."

This concept can apply to your email and texts, too. The minute a communication gets ugly, delete! Always make certain that you have explained your boundaries, because what you are doing is a bit like Pavlovian conditioning: you are training your ex in proper behavior. Remember:
  • You must be consistent.
  • You must always outline boundaries.
  • You must do this to create a healing environment for yourself if you are to recover...
You can use this concept of boundaries in every area of your life. It is up to you and you alone to establish what you will and will not accept in your life.

Remember that what you say "no" to defines you as a human being. When you say "no" to abuse, you go from being a victim to a hero or heroine. You take back your self-respect and self-esteem. You empower yourself."​

I think it is obvious that all the above relies on honest, clear, and direct communication. Later in the newsletter there is this great little list:

The Steps to Stopping Bad Behavior
  • Set the rules.
  • Be consistent.
  • Explain the consequences and abide by them.
  • Stay Calm. You too have to walk away from your own bad behavior.
  • Make certain that your ex knows what he or she is doing wrong.
  • Offer a positive alternative. If your ex yells at you, ask them to speak nicely.
  • Recognize their effort and acknowledge good behavior.
I don't know if this will help, or even if you think this might apply to you, but it came to my mind while reading how upset and frustrated you are over this, so hopefully some part of it can be useful.
 
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Poly with heirarchy and veto rights is not how I roll, so it would be out of the question. I am not okay with someone telling me to dump someone because THEY are struggling. Not my husband, not anyone. So I don't ask for that in return. I have earned my integrity and my partners trust that I have their best interest in mind in all that I do. Vetos are built out of fear and lack of trust. I don't find that a useful way to live.

Your impatience, frustration and need for "no drama" is no reason to insist he end it. Its not for you to decide. You have no control and shouldn't have control of his life and choices. If he decides its not worth it because you keep telling him what's going on for you and how they're actions affect you and others then that would mean its been up to him. As it should be I think.

We have discussed vetos here at length if you are interested in why anyone would avoid them. Try a tag search on "veto" "vetos" "veto rights" "veto power"

To me this woman just sounds new to poly and your husband; smitten. They fucked up. It happens. What they do about it and what boundaries are agreed upon as a result are what is important. What are they doing to ensure that you can trust them? Integrity is so important in poly dynamics. It takes time to build and even more time when someone fucks up on an agreement.

I would be letting them know that you won't be rescuing them by cutting into your date time again either. It seems that they weren't all that grateful anyway so why bother. You got nothing out of it that was positive so why allow that to happen again.

I think I would find some empathy in this and remind myself what its like to be sucked in by someone that is new and exciting in your life. I would remind myself that I am dealing with two people drunk on emotions etc. And do my best to laugh it off. This is possible, I think, with firm boundaries constructed from the experience you have with them together.
 
Thanks again for your thoughtful replies. I feel like I have a lot to think about and process.

I've realized that part (though by no means all) of the problem is due to my insecurities as well as past hurts and distrust, and it's sort of been exacerbated by my husband's and his girlfriend's behavior of late.

And my partner has decided recently that he wants to talk to me more about other people. I have no desire to limit or control anyone's behavior, any more than I want that done to me, but I'm a bit overwhelmed by everything that's been happening. Between my husband's behavior and my partner's insistence that I talk about the people he's interested in (I do tend to just sort of shut down when he mentions these things - I'm not angry, and I want him to be free to do what he wants, I just have no idea how to respond to him talking about other women) I'm just sort of sad and panicky. I've been feeling like I won't be important to the people I love anymore and that my needs and wants will be ignored.

So, lots to think about. I just keep thinking that the only person I can control is myself, and I'm going to take care of myself and choose to be strong and as calm as I can. I will get through this, and probably be better for it. I had a lovely night out last night with my partner, which helped immensely.

Other thoughts or advice are of course very welcome.
 
You know, you should clearly state that you are uncomfortable hearing too much detail about women he is interested in. Many people in poly situations have a boundary about that, and he shouldn't assume that in the interest of honesty and full disclosure that he MUST tell you everything. He should respect your tolerance level, and it's perfectly reasonable to only want to know who he's with, when he goes out, when he'll be home, and if he had a good time, and general stuff that would affect you and your time together, without describing issues they deal with or the nitty-gritty details. He doesn't need to report back to you, let him develop the relationship on its own. There are also privacy issues for his girlfriend - maybe she wouldn't like every little detail shared with you, either.

Is he looking for feedback or approval from you or is he just excited? He may be so excited about her, and wrapped up in NRE, that he doesn't realize how much you don't like it. And he'll never know if you don't tell him. You can say something like, "Honey, I'm happy that you're so excited about this relationship and I want to be supportive, but there is only so much information and details I can handle. I would rather you not tell me so much, it makes me uncomfortable. But I would like to hear about such-and-such" and tell him exactly what you are willing to discuss or listen to.

And perhaps you could look for a local poly group to join so he has other people to talk to about it, which would unburden you.
 
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Sorry, I feel like I wasn't very clear in that last post. My husband doesn't tell me much about his girlfriend, beyond need-to-know stuff; he knows what I'm comfortable (or not) hearing/knowing.

My (male) partner is the one who seems to want a different reaction from me when he's talking about other women. We've discussed this a lot recently; I've explained that I have some insecurities about this, which have only been exacerbated lately by my husband and his girlfriend. He wants me to be able to talk about this stuff with him and "be happy" about it. I feel like I can't right now; I would never expect him not to be interested in other people, but I'm having a hard time with it lately. (We've also been together for nearly a year, and he's been pretty focused on our relationship, to the point that he hasn't really been dating much at all. I think he's fearful of the idea of loss of autonomy, but that doesn't really make sense to me - I don't want him to be with only me, but I also have little to no experience with him being with anyone else, and sometimes new = scary.)

Oh! And a local poly group is a fantastic idea. Thank you.
 
I think that one of the key things in here is about having negotiated consequences as well as negotiated boundaries.

At the time you both agree on the boundaries, then you need to put a "and this is what's going to happen if those are broken" in there, so that consequences are understood. Sometimes those aren't easy to come up with, and they're usually easier if they are logical and concrete (and stuff like this rarely is). Poly is a learning process, because each individual has different requirements and boundaries - looks like you are most definitely learning yours. An example is what happens if a condom breaks when he is with her...

Your husband has broken your trust and your agreements at the very start of this relationship - that's going to make it an uphill battle. I'm really not sure that this is standard NRE stuff - this goes well beyond the cute silliness that is associated with that and into some far more serious territory.
 
Sorry, I feel like I wasn't very clear in that last post. My husband doesn't tell me much about his girlfriend, beyond need-to-know stuff...

My (male) partner is the one who seems to want a different reaction from me when he's talking about other women.

Well, I think my suggestion works for either one of them. Just tell him that, although you'll probably eventually be more comfortable with it, for now you just don't want to hear all that stuff! What keeps you from telling him you have a hard time with it?
 
nycindie, I have told my partner this. He tells me that he wants me to be happy about his other involvements (if/when they happen) and wants to be able to talk to me about them (to a point; I have also expressed that I don't need/want every single detail.)

I feel like we're at a stalemate here. I do believe that time and acclimation will be the only thing for it, but I'm having a hard time right now and kind of dreading a festival that we're going to over the summer; I've never been in that kind of environment with him and am worried about feeling displaced or abandoned. And he seems to feel that much of my reluctance to discuss this means that I don't want him being involved with anyone else. I've never been in a situation like this before, and I'm not really sure how else to deal with it.
 
Compersion is nice but not required. It happens or not and it is certainly not something to be commanded or demanded. Your boyfriend cannot require you to be happy about anything, much less his other relationships. You can be supportive and loving of him and his other relationships of course but that is different from being happy for him. Maybe he does not feel as supported as he would like? Otherwise it just strikes as such an odd thing, to demand a particular emotion from someone for a certain circumstance.
 
opalescent, I imagine he probably doesn't feel as supported as he'd like right now, but that's less to do with him than I think I've been able to make him understand. And yes, it strikes me as a bit odd too, but there is a significant age difference at play here (10+ years) and I don't think that he's experienced the sort of societal/familial conditioning about relationships that I have. We're coming from very different places, and sometimes it really shows.
 
Poly with heirarchy and veto rights is not how I roll, so it would be out of the question. I am not okay with someone telling me to dump someone because THEY are struggling. Not my husband, not anyone. So I don't ask for that in return. I have earned my integrity and my partners trust that I have their best interest in mind in all that I do. Vetos are built out of fear and lack of trust. I don't find that a useful way to live.

RP - I just wanted to THANK YOU for saying this.

I just replied to another post on here by a girl who was veto'd and is hurting because of it.

Nothing about veto'ing someone you have invited into your partner's life sounds right. You trust your partner to go down the poly path, you should trust that they make the decisions they need to make to respect both individual relationships.

If you don't trust in their decision making abilities, you should question your decision to participate in a poly lifestyle period.
 
Resurrecting this because I'm still having issues. I am at a loss. As I posted in another thread recently...

"(My husband and his girlfriend) are both extroverts and don't seem to understand my need for privacy and a bit of distance. I've tried to communicate this to both of them, with mixed results. At first, she was overly involved in my life and wanted us to be close very quickly; I'm simply not comfortable with this and said so. Now, after a few incidents in which I felt she was being pushy and rude, she has been extremely distant and communication, never good to begin with, has suffered because of it. My last straw was her talking to MY partner (not my husband) and telling him that I had said/done things that I hadn't (i.e. Fiona said this is a rule and I can't do it - which is ridiculous, my husband and I don't conduct our relationship that way.) My partner was puzzled and uncomfortable by her behavior; I'm at a total loss as to what to do (or not do) and am pretty angry and frustrated about this."

I just. Don't. Like. Her. I don't really like who my husband is when he's with her. He does seem happy, but I'm puzzled as to how he can be with someone who is so immature and drama-llama-esque. She's rude to me, and very rigid in her views of how poly relationships should work; when our interactions don't fit this, I feel like she takes it out on me. I pretty much just want to be left alone at this point, but when I saw her at a party last week, she blurted out that she thought we needed to talk at some point. I half-agreed (I'd had a few drinks) and am now regretting even that.

What do you do when one of your partners is dating someone you don't like? I don't discount the possibility that we could end up being friendly, but I'm damned if I can see just how that would happen right now. Sigh. My husband is all stressed out by this, and so is my partner (can't blame him, after Girlfriend had that totally inappropriate conversation with him) and so am I. I'm just sick of the whole thing. It's getting to the point where I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it.

I wouldn't ask my husband to break up with her, any more than I would break up with my partner if he asked - we don't work that way. But I don't know how to handle this either.
 
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