Simultaneous NRE

I let him come over to watch the game. There didn't end up being ice on the roads. He brought me "flowers," that is, branches of berries and dried grasses he collected on his land.

He didn't say happy anniversary... but later I asked him if he knew what tomorrow was, and he said, "X Museum commemoration day." Our first date was at a museum. So, he remembered. He said, "Why do you think I brought you flowers?"

We cuddled and watched the game. Attempted sex during halftime and afterwards, but it didn't work out great, since his back was acting up from repair work he'd done to his cabin earlier in the day.

We also didn't talk more about "Buddhist," as he went home pretty much right after the game, tired.

shrug

frustrating

I retreated to the comfort of miss pixi's arms. She's been great supporting me through this.
 
Wasn't looking forward to having the hard talk with Ginger about all this. I didn't make the talk happen in person 2 nights ago though, so I did it online in chat yesterday morning, and more in the late afternoon.

I felt very depressed all day. Talking things over with him is hard because of his Asperger's.

I know it's not on him to make me feel better, less threatened, less powerless. I have to do it myself. Get clear about my feelings, learn coping skills for this new challenge of him power-dating, draw some boundaries.

So after a long talk, like 2 hours, in the morning, I said I was done for now, and we stopped. I ran a couple errands outside the house that had to be done, then I laid around the house like a dark storm cloud for 3 1/2 hours. Barely ate, couldn't sleep when I tried, didn't exercise or do housework, didnt talk to miss pixi. Just laid there curled in a ball, mourning, grieving, feeling like shit.

Finally I felt able to talk to miss p, who was willing and eager to help. She was very helpful, and told me some of the coping skills she'd learned when I was power dating.

We talked about Ginger's amazing sexual charisma, which I see when he and I go out, and which these women, Mischa and now Buddhist, are feeling (and of course, that miss p and I feel as well). I have witnessed women, acquaintances of his, or complete strangers such as saleswomen, go all fluttery and shy and looking up from under their eyelashes, and giggling and shuffling their feet and giving him compliments, over and over. Often I can tell he is in his own little world and unaware, other times I see him turn up the power a tad, and I witness the women getting even more twitterpated.

He's very tall, 6'2". Has not gone bald and has shoulder length curls. He looks younger than his 61 years. He has strong handsome facial features (not movie star pretty, kind of craggy), with a nicely trimmed goatee. He dresses in colors and shapes flattering to his figure and coloring (he's an artist, he knows what he is doing). He's also a classic Scorpio and has this intense gaze that makes women weak in the knees. He gives off a relaxed and confident vibe.

sigh...

It's pretty amazing. I call it being a rock star. I came to this realization last summer at a big drum fest we went to. I might've written about it here when it happened.

...That makes me "the rock star's wife." And how does a rock star's wife deal with the legions of wet pantied groupies?

This I asked miss p. I mean, I've felt like a rock star from time to time in my life,. When I was younger I was slender and had long blonde hair, fairly pretty, or cute. I've felt lauded when I've been a successful student, good at English, foreign language, History, art. And for the last 25 years when I am at my volunteer work as a lactation specialist, and new moms are asking my advice, and they and my co-workers compliment me on my encyclopedic knowledge of breastfeeding and parenting. And also, when I was first on okc and power dating, back in 2009-2011.

I also might have had one rock star type bf back before I met my ex h, but I was unaware of how others saw him til after we broke up.

So, these are miss p's coping skills:

First of all, she always felt secure in our relationship, felt loved, felt I took care of her while in NRE so she didnt feel left out. That was the basis of dealing with it.

Second of all, she felt kind of thrilled to be a partner of a "rock star." She's experienced it with others besides me. You watch the others crave your partner and feel flattered to think, "Yeah, I'm regularly hitting that ass you all want, suckers." You bask in reflected glory.

Third, she made a habit of not really "paying attention" to any new people I was chatting with or just starting to date, because so many fizzle out. No use getting upset when that person might just fade away in a week or two.

Fourth, she'd think maybe she would get a new friend out of the deal, if a person stuck around and she'd get to meet them.

So, it was comforting to have this talk. Then we took a break, I managed to eat a little dinner, then I chatted Ginger and told him some of what miss p and I talked about.

HOWEVER! (to be continued)...
 
Ginger then proceeded to tell me that just then, that woman Mischa wanted to come visit. She lives 30 miles west of us, but works closer a couple days a week, Tuesday and Wednesday. So, she asked to come Tuesday night and was open to spending the night if he wanted.


!!!

Here I thought she'd dumped him soon after he was expressing issues with starting a relationship since she had an active herpes lesion the first time they met.

I barely reacted when he told me this. miss p and I went down to our girl cave to drown our sorrows in a couple hours of Breaking Bad on Netflix.

Meanwhile Ginger posted to me that the GUY he tried to date also IMed him on okc while Ginger wasn't online, but he was signed off by the time Ginger saw the message.

Can you believe this? It's raining, it's pouring, for my bf.

This morning he was all solicitous in our chat... He says he's done with the guy, not interested.

But he invited Mischa to spend the night, and she and he agreed she would IF it was OK with me. I said, "Go ahead, who cares about my feelings? I'm not the boss of you." I hate when I get sarcastic like this, but I feel against the wall here.

He had said "You know where Mischa and I stand--" as far as kissing, oral sex, fucking, because of her herpes. But I said, "Well, you're considering being with Buddhist and she's got herpes too, so that is hypocritical." But apparently Buddhist has only had one lesion in the past 10 years, whereas Mischa has had more even since the last time she and Ginger saw each other.

Turns out he and she have been occasionally messaging on FB since the time I thought she dumped him. He says they have an understanding of "just friends...." but, see above: Rock Star sexual charisma, groupies throwing themselves at him.

I can't imagine something sexual won't go on when she's in his goddam bed tonight.

Meanwhile, no next date set with Buddhist, but she did break up with one of her 2 bfs yesterday and has been telling Ginger all about that! Sounds like she is clearing her plate to be with him more.

*banghead*
 
How does his aspergers specifically affect the way you have to communicate with him?
 
How does his aspergers specifically affect the way you have to communicate with him?

Ach, that would be so hard to describe, london.


I am feeling so much better today after a few days of what felt like chaos in my emotions. Like Gala Girl says, feelings are like weather, they pass on through.

Self care yesterday, I did my walk, was able to do activities and chores and eat, etc. miss p and I had fun in the evening watching Breaking Bad and had excellent sex as well.

Ginger had Mischa over for the night, and he did kiss her, since she didnt have a cold sore... but she wasn't too into it and I guess there wasnt really much sexy time at all.

Now he is on his way over to me. My rock star boyfriend. :rolleyes:
 
My emotions are up, then down, then up, then down. Typical poly rollercoaster.

After our visit 2 days ago, Ginger came down with something flu-like. His first worry was, caught herpes from Buddhist. Well, I found that unlikely since she's been asymptomatic for years, but you never know.

He hasn't mentioned any cold sores appearing though.

I feel so silly, not wanting him to date. Very hypocritical, and also, why fight change? Life is all about change.

Doesn't help, however, that our finished basement flooded on Dec 23, put a damper on holiday celebrations, and we have already had to move belongings from the wet side to the dry side, and will have to rejuggle everything when it comes time for the new carpet to go in. Stressful.

But I can not insist that Ginger only date when there are no other stresses in my life. There will always be stress in my life! Meanwhile, he's a grown man and he can do what he wants.

But I'm just like, ugh, I don't want to hear about Her. I don't like when my mind imagines them wrapped up together, liking and in lust together. It grosses me out! I do not know why.

Maybe b/c miss pixi hasn't dated another woman since we met, just a few guys. I guess I feel like, if Buddhist is a 90% match with me, why does he need/want her?

Because of that other 10%, and the excitement of something new. He says he finds she has depth and he wants to see more. Ginger just likes women. I wish I could be happy for him, feel the illusive compersion.

It's so odd I need to spell this all out to myself. Occasionally I can find their connection sexy and a turn on for myself, but generally I feel the opposite, not jealous per se, but actually grossed out! Her... essence all over him. Sometimes I don't want to think about it, or listen to him talk about her, like a DADT feeling. Other times I want him to tell me as much as possible so I don't imagine things that aren't even happening.
 
Ginger and I got to reconnect after him being down for several days with a bad cold. I wasn't ready to get right to the sex as we almost always do, as I needed to talk more about feelings, those darn feelings, around him being with Mischa and Buddhist. He told me he and Buddhist have a date set up for Sunday.

Once we got the talk out of the way, he was very affectionate and things got physical, I gradually was able to enjoy myself. Then cuddles in bed and chit chat about various things, then a second wind, more sex. It was all somewhat reassuring.

Another analogy I came up with around Ginger dating is: Ginger as the hub of a wheel with 5 spokes. He is in some sort of intimate and sexual relationship with 5 women! His wife R, me, miss p, Mischa and now Buddhist.

Five.

Spin the wheel and see whose turn it is today!

It's funny, with all the newbies that come here wanting a hot FMF triad, I am pretty much in one and not really loving it. I've accepted it.

Then add in 2 more new women... I have to force myself not to think about it sometimes, go do something so engrossing there is no space for thoughts.

Dialog with myself:

I feel so unstable.

But it's change, and life is change, and there is no use fighting it.

How can I adjust to this change?

2 options: overanalyze and obsess about it. Or, distract myself and let it take shape as it will, ride the wave on top like a surfer, don't drown in the choppy waters.

Ginger is coming over tonight (Friday) and seeing Buddhist on Sunday. He is driving in to Boston to her place. And this should be their first full on sex. Whooee. That's gonna be a hard day for me.
 
I ask this in all seriousness and if it is not useful to you, cheerfully ignore it.

I can't figure out why you are upset about Ginger dating more people. I can tell you are certainly upset but I can't figure out why. This is NOT to say you shouldn't be upset or feel what you feel - just I don't have a handle on what the underlying issues are. Of course, you may have chosen not to write about exactly why this disturbs you so.

Are you worried about less time? Less attention? Feel less special? Worried about Ginger's ability to manage all his connections? Something else? All of the above and more?

Maybe Ginger does not fully understand either? Maybe you're kinda confused too?

I *so* understand being upset and angry about changes with partners - been there, done that, still there some days.

Regardless, hugs and support.
 
I can't figure out why you are upset about Ginger dating more people. I can tell you are certainly upset but I can't figure out why. This is NOT to say you shouldn't be upset or feel what you feel - just I don't have a handle on what the underlying issues are. Of course, you may have chosen not to write about exactly why this disturbs you so.

Hi, Opal, thanks for asking. I thought I'd been obsessing here about the whys and not just the whats I am feeling, but maybe not.

Are you worried about less time? Less attention?

No, I feel like I am getting similar amounts of time and attention.

Feel less special?

Yes, definitely. That is why I said, sister-wife, just one more hole to fuck, one more spoke on a wheel.

Worried about Ginger's ability to manage all his connections?

Yes, and I think I am a bit triggered, going back to when my ex h and I first opened our marriage in 1999! I hate to say this, but I think it's a gender thing. miss p has only dated men since we met, and generally, if she is attracted to a woman, she goes for skinny young butches. So, I don't feel in competition with that. Ginger seems to go for women more like me, full figured older hippie types.

And, sometimes Ginger doesn't help me feel secure. I think it's partly the Asperger's. Like the other day when he got here and I expressed upset at a tactless thing he'd said. His van has had an issue and he'd been working on it, and he said he'd be happy to drive it over to my place, as a test, since he'd have to be driving it to Boston to see Buddhist on Sunday. I didn't like feeling like a "test" for his later date. First he laughed at me. Then he called me silly. This is just an example of our communication disconnect. I told him, "It's not funny, and please don't call me silly."

Love languages. I am across the board, no one language is more important than another. Ginger thinks its all hogwash, but his love languages are touch (sex and cuddles), and acts of service. He doesn't say I love you, and he is opposed to gift giving. So, I don't get those reassurances.

Also, as I've said, all this comes on top of him being in a sexual relationship with miss pixi. I didn't set out to have a triad. While I do feel compersion for the 2 of them, I still struggle with sharing time and affection. It just complicates things. We JUST had a 3way sex share that I did not feel upset about after the fact. Finally. And then he imm. makes a date with new girl, and bam, complications again.

I mean, I feel he's polysaturated. Even if he doesn't. Kinda like when my ex h had me and his gf. He's having a great time, feeling all studly: "Ladies, ladies! Wait your turn, there's plenty of me to go around!" Um, no, there really isn't, mister. You're feeling so good in the crotch, all the fun oxytocin, you're missing out on the subtle or not so subtle signs all your partners ain't as happy as and content as you are.

Then add in stressors unrelated to poly: new house in a new area of the state, getting used to living with miss p full time (and that is working out very well, but even good changes are stressful), new jobs for both of us, Ginger becoming almost deathly ill with the tick borne disease in the late summer, and most recently, the Xmas basement flood, workmen tromping through the house... Even major snowstorms and near record cold weather.

I just want things to slow down and be peaceful and stable for a while! Maybe I am getting old and it's harder for me to adapt to new things. Also, I guess I thought once miss p and I were here in the next down, Ginger would be happy to have me/us closeby and we'd be a nice tidy unit. No more of those long drives! ( me to see miss p, Ginger driving to see me). Instead, he takes up with women 20-30 miles away almost as soon as we were moved in.

I *so* understand being upset and angry about changes with partners - been there, done that, still there some days.

Regardless, hugs and support.

Thanks very much! I am uneasy but not as downright depressed as a week ago. I've been keeping up with work, housework, exercise and other self care. I try to balance obsessing and worrying with doing things that are distracting and pleasant, to give my brain a break.
 
I hope you don't mind me posting here, but a few things caught my attention and I wanted to ask about them.

You said the idea of him being with the other women is just "gross" to you. Why is that? Do you think it might in part be because they have one or both strains of Herpes? Or is it a spiritual/emotional type of thing? Sort of "If he spends time with them, it somehow dilutes or poisons what he feels for me" kind of thing? Why? What could you or he do to help dispel that feeling?

What about him having more partners makes you feel less special? Is it because he picks other partners so similar to you? If so, have you thought about asking him "What's special about me? Why did you want me and why do you want to keep me?" With Asperger's, who knows what kind of answers you might get, but it might be worth taking that step. Or do you feel less special because you had the hope of being able to spend more time with him (and Miss Pixi) when you moved and that's turning out not to be true? It sort of sounds like he's taking the extra time saved by you living close and using that to pursue other partners and that worries and perhaps offends you. You're wonderful and he has more of a chance to see you and he's not taking the chance. What the hell is wrong with him?!? Of course, I could be completely wrong, but I could see feeling that way myself. :eek:

There's nothing wrong with obsessing on the problem so to speak, as long as you are making some headway. Figure out what the specific issues are so you can make a plan to deal with them in a less icky fashion and when it gets too much, then you should definitely distract yourself. I do that all the time.

I really feel for you. Like, I saw another post and came over here to read what was going on because I was concerned. I really hope you are able to work through this. No one should have to feel that way for very long. :( I'm rooting for you.
 
Good news that you aren't feeling so bad and are finding ways to start coping with Ginger's budding new relationships.

I have been visiting with friends this weekend and over breakfast this morning we chatted about new relationships and the issues that they can cause for existing ones. I have a couple of friends who started new romantic relationships and found that their close friends - the ones they had been in the habit of spending all their spare time with - were jealous and upset. In one case, things settled down and all is well. In the other, the jealous friend has remained jealous and resentful of her friend's now 5 year long relationship.

We talked about how life change is easy to deal with if we are the ones choosing it. If I start a new, shiny and exciting relationship, it's all fun and happiness for me. But if somebody close to me does the same thing, I have found myself upset and feeling down because somebody close to me has somebody new that's close to them.

My friends are very wise and reckoned that a good coping strategy for dealing with change that somebody else has chosen is to see it as an opportunity. Maybe to have time to do something new or to make a new friend if the new partner turns out to be lovely.

I kind of like that way of looking at change when considering how to deal with it.

IP
 
I hope you don't mind me posting here, but a few things caught my attention and I wanted to ask about them.

No, of course, I don't mind, I appreciate it.

You said the idea of him being with the other women is just "gross" to you. Why is that? Do you think it might in part be because they have one or both strains of Herpes? Or is it a spiritual/emotional type of thing?

I guess... maybe both, but also, it's kind of like, I don't want to be part of their sex life. If I hear about what they did, from Ginger, or imagine things on my own, I feel somehow forced to be involved in the sex they are having, against my will.

...That sounds crazy when I type it out. What Ginger and one of these 2 women do is none of my business. I could tell him not to tell me anything, and I could try and stop imagining what they do. It's odd, since with miss p I am used to hearing about the sexy things she's done with this or that bf, and finding it a bit of a turn-on. But in this case, it's the opposite, a turn-OFF or grossed out feeling. How can I turn this around, from feeling grossed out and threatened by what they do, to feeling compersion, happiness, a slight (or even big) turn-on?

Sort of "If he spends time with them, it somehow dilutes or poisons what he feels for me" kind of thing? Why?

I don't know why. I know when I get a crush, or feel an interest in someone else, like some cute guy I am casually chatting on okc, it doesn't change how much I love Ginger or miss p. So why do I imagine him developing interest in someone else threatens the feelings he has for me?

After all, he tells me in word and deed that new relationships cause him anxiety, and he comes to me full of love, and hugs me so warmly and seems to feel I am a safe harbor, and he desires me, and wants to be with me, talk, snuggle, go out on a date sometimes.



What could you or he do to help dispel that feeling?

Well, I do feel kind of taken for granted. I do feel like our sex life lost a little spice lately. I think he's getting the spiciness he needs from talking to or being with these women. Our sex life had gotten kind of vanilla. I did remark on that, and requested and made him hear I want more kink. He did accomodate that the other night and it did help me feel more special, and more sexually fulfilled.

What about him having more partners makes you feel less special? Is it because he picks other partners so similar to you? If so, have you thought about asking him "What's special about me? Why did you want me and why do you want to keep me?" With Asperger's, who knows what kind of answers you might get, but it might be worth taking that step.

I feel like I know what he likes or loves about me. He just wants some variety. Maybe her nipples respond differently to touch. Maybe she's taller than me. Maybe she lives in an intentional community and that is interesting. Maybe she's more Zen than me, more submissive than me, thinner, fatter, shyer, sounds different when she cums. Could be hundreds of subtle differences. Not "better" than me in any way, just different, and vive la difference!



Or do you feel less special because you had the hope of being able to spend more time with him (and Miss Pixi) when you moved and that's turning out not to be true? It sort of sounds like he's taking the extra time saved by you living close and using that to pursue other partners and that worries and perhaps offends you. You're wonderful and he has more of a chance to see you and he's not taking the chance. What the hell is wrong with him?!? Of course, I could be completely wrong, but I could see feeling that way myself. :eek:

Yeah, I definitely feel this way and have told miss p that and she agrees she thought we'd see more of him, that he'd hang out more, be more like family. Instead, he seems to like to keep to his daily routine and fit me/us in around it. 3 hours midday, or in the evening.

I really feel for you. Like, I saw another post and came over here to read what was going on because I was concerned. I really hope you are able to work through this. No one should have to feel that way for very long. :( I'm rooting for you.

Thanks! Today is the day of his date with Buddhist and I did not sleep well last night.
 
... the jealous friend has remained jealous and resentful of her friend's now 5 year long relationship.

Well, I hope I don't remain feeling threatened and resentful of Ginger being with other for 5 years. I do feel myself withdrawing from him emotionally though, sad to say. Not at all to the point I don't want him in my life! But if my moving here made him so comfortable he's spending less time with me, when I expected more... I feel disappointed and will have to fill that hole with something or someone else. I don't feel as trusting of him. He is the not boyfriend I thought he was. Our relationship is no longer developing on the track it seemed to be on before.

My friends are very wise and reckoned that a good coping strategy for dealing with change that somebody else has chosen is to see it as an opportunity. Maybe to have time to do something new...

Well, I definitely have more time to masturbate instead of getting fucked hard and well! :rolleyes: I've got more time to troll okc and see who's been looking at me, is there anyone else decent out there.

or to make a new friend if the new partner turns out to be lovely.

Yeah, miss p also had that idea: maybe Mags' new partner will become a new friend. Thing is, right now, that idea, when applied to Ginger's new partner(s) grosses me out.
 
But if my moving here made him so comfortable he's spending less time with me, when I expected more... I feel disappointed and will have to fill that hole with something or someone else. I don't feel as trusting of him. He is the not boyfriend I thought he was. Our relationship is no longer developing on the track it seemed to be on before.

That is sad. I hope you feel differently again.

I wonder if Ginger is a bit like me. I've always maintained relationships that require me to be away from home. Not always far but enough that spending time together means a bit of a travel and sometimes staying overnight. I didn't like where I grew up so to me travelling away was a pleasure and I think I've maintained that.

My partner and most of my friends live at least a half drive away from me. I kind of like it like that for the moment.


Yeah, miss p also had that idea: maybe Mags' new partner will become a new friend. Thing is, right now, that idea, when applied to Ginger's new partner(s) grosses me out.

Yep - my partner is one of those blokes that women love. I've known him for over 20 years and it has always been that way. Back when I was a teenager and he and I were FWB I met loads of his other FWBs and tended to find them lovely.

One of those women is family to me now. The very first time she and I met we bonded over both having lost our virginity to my now partner.

A couple of years ago I met a woman for the first time who had been FWB of my partner. He doesn't really see her any more but she and I got chatting. I mentioned to her how often I find I get on well with my partner's women friends. She looked at me. Said that she hadn't really thought about it before but now that I mentioned it, her 2 closest friends are my partner's most recent ex girlfriend and the girlfriend before her.

I tend to be a fan of seeing new people as potential friends rather than as threats.

My partner and I are monogamous but I think that if I didn't have that attitude I would be regularly upset. He meets new people all the time and regularly comes to see me talking about his excitement at making a new woman friend how much he hopes they stay part of his life.

One of those women is now a very good friend of mine. She was incredibly supportive of me when my dad was dying and remains a fantastic friend.

I hope that you get through this time without too much more upset.

IP
 
Well, guess what, folks? Ginger msged me around 10am to tell me Buddhist had just messaged him: she'd had a cold sore all week and it's still there somewhat. She left it up to him whether to still have the date or not.

He told her he'd rather postpone. I know he loves kissing and as he said, "For our first intimate date I didn't want to be restrained by that."

So, he expressed his disappointment to me and told me he knows it's hard for me since I've been worrying and now we can't even "get it [sex date w Buddhist] behind us."

I just said, "Ugh."

After a few minutes he asked if he, "Could I please get just a hint of sympathy? :p" So, I said, "I am sorry for your disappointment." He said, "Thanks, I know that was hard for you [to say]."

After I took in this info, I said, "Well I guess I'll get out there and finish shoveling." My back hurts, I went hiking twice this week and somehow strained my back. When I got back in I saw he'd offered to come over and shovel, and/or massage my back. I didn't respond.
 
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Hugs.

So sorry to hear that you are struggling and not feeling special - you are an amazing woman, and did a lot to create space and opportunity for your relationship to flourish and deepen with Ginger. It can be rather disconcerting to find out that you process life differently, and have entirely different needs than your partner(s).

Sending you wishes for peace and happiness despite these challenges; looking on OKCupid for other prospects seems like a good idea! MissP and you are such a good fit - there will be that elsewhere, too!
 
That man. Sometimes he is so infuriating, telling me in chat my anxieties over various stresses in my life right now are somehow bizarre or clueless about reality. I know he doesnt mean it the way it sounds. He is trying to get me to be rational instead of emotional.

Finally somehow we made a connection. I said I'd been too depressed to keep up with dishes and remembering my meds and vitamins. He said, take your meds, dishes can wait. I said, dish clutter makes me even more stressed out. He said, want me to come over and do your dishes? I said, OK.

So, he did, while I walked the dog. miss p has been sick so not holding up her end of dog care.

Then I finally felt more taken care of than our attempts at spoken conversation. He really is much better at service than verbal reassurances. After dishes, we had really good sex. Seems hes putting in more of an effort to be creative there too.

I don't want to be fightin one minute and fuckin the next. I wish we could figure out how to make this transition to him dating Buddhist feel easier. I told him I don't get freaked out like this when miss p dates, so what is different?

Oh, I also made sure we took a nap after sex. Since he never sleeps over anymore, a 30 minute nap together felt similarly comforting.
 
. I know he doesnt mean it the way it sounds. He is trying to get me to be rational instead of emotional.

Maybe I should put this in my signature.
 
It's odd for me, because in poly, you're supposed to verbally communicate and hash everything out. miss pixi and I do that, and it keeps us bonded and on the same page. But with Ginger, this doesn't seem to work so well. Especially in IM chat. He gets defensive, a bit pissy. He's much better in person, when he is able to hold me, kiss me, snuggle and cuddle as we talk, and then move to fucking asap. Good thing I really like fucking as a bonding experience too!

I just have to come to accept this need of his to go forward with dating Buddhist and see where it leads. Let go, and let him explore. I do feel he is dedicated to me, and miss p, but maybe I just need to ask for more help around the house. It does make me feel cared for when he helps out.

Meanwhile, when he was here, after sex and nap, I screwed up my courage to ask if he'd set a new date with Buddhist. He said, not yet. She had 2 dates with 2 new okc guys for yesterday, she had told him! Sheesh. She's really promiscuous. New worry: she was ready to have sex with Ginger before having the safer sex talk. Is she also doing that with other guys? Has she already, will she again? Probably. :eek: :mad:
 
I've got a bunch of thoughts so this will likely not be well organized.

*hugs Mags*. I am so sorry it's hard now.

Did Ginger know you and Miss Pixi expected him to hang out at your place more often now that you two were closer? Did he agree to that? I know from friends and partners with various degrees of autism if it wasn't said out loud and explicitly agreed to, it doesn't exist. They just don't 'get' social assumptions. It may have never occurred to Ginger that because you are closer, you may have wanted more time with him.

If it was assumed or unspoken, well, I personally know it really hurts when an unexamined assumption or expectation doesn't occur and one is suddenly blindsided by an unmet need or want that one wasn't even fully aware of. This has happened to me several times with Whip. It's really painful. For some reason, not having unspoken expectations met by partners lead me to feel rage and anger faster and more intensely than other hurts. I wonder if something similar is going on for you.

And it's not anyone's fault - if assumptions are not spelled out, they can't be acted upon by partners. I think this is why some people try to avoid having any expectations. I personally have had little success with that approach. I can't stand that much ambiguity.

So I try to manage my expectations. I try to have as many of them as possible out in the open - I talk about them, we come to agreements about them (or not sometimes). I work on getting my assumptions and expectations about relationships into my conscious mind instead of lurking like hungry sharks in my unconscious. That said, I fail at this a lot. It's hard.

So if you had an expectation that wasn't explicitly agreed upon and are feeling terrible it wasn't met, well, it might be time to try and let that go. This is doubly true when dating someone with Asberger's or similar conditions. (Whip believes he is somewhere on the autism scale - I happen to believe his experiences are more to do with being strongly ADHD but that is neither here nor there.) Yes, I know this is so much easier to say than to do! I've been known to hold a grudge. This is not exactly a grudge but it can have the same emotional 'stickiness' at least in my experience. And I fail a lot at this too. Sometimes I've had to say out loud to myself, 'I am no longer worrying this to death in my mind'. And then, when it inevitably pops up in my brain, I consciously move my thoughts to something else. I literally say 'I am not thinking about this' and then make myself think about something else.

I also know that when adjusting to a new situation sometimes it is just hard for a time. I've experienced that when Whip began seeing his other girlfriend, and again when their relationship evolved. It was just hard and the only solution was time, and to keep talking, and monitoring my emotional state. I had to remind myself that this crappiness will not be forever. You might be enduring such a situation now. Change is just hard. But it is not forever.

Do you trust his ability to pick decent metamours for you? If you do - and he has good taste obviously! - then try to let go of worrying and wondering what Buddhist or the other chickies (or roosters) are like. You have zippo control over this. Do you have every right to be concerned about possible metamours being less than careful about their sexual health? Yes, absolutely.

But you have talked this over with Ginger and he appears to be taking precautions. He did actually postpone his date with Buddhist because of the cold sores. He is taking your concerns, and his own, into account. Yes, she might be way too impulsive but you have done what you can do realistically. You have let Ginger know of your concerns about your health and his interactions with Buddhist (and others). He is acting on that input. It might not be as much as you want. But overall it is a good thing. It's something to build trust around, not dismiss. It might help - if you haven't already - to tell him you appreciate that. Yes, he did it for himself but I am sure keeping you and Miss Pixi as safe as he can was also on his mind.

If you don't trust Ginger to keep his agreements (spoken out loud and agreed to) with you, to use good judgment when interacting with others, then there are larger issues than just a new possible metamour. However, I don't think this is case from your writing about him.

Plus, really, aren't all poly women promiscuous in the eyes of someone somewhere?

I feel you on the verbal communication and poly. It is what we are 'supposed' to do but it doesn't work well for everyone. Whip is also not great at the verbal communication. He also shows affection and love mostly through touch. We do talk - both of us acknowledge the necessity - but it is a struggle.

If other modes of talking are not working, don't use them for emotional stuff. Rarely I have an important discussion via text with Whip but usually it is a no go. It needs to be in person or over the phone. And I only pick the phone if I won't see him in person for a while and I can't wait. So maybe limit IM chat or text to lighter topics, like logistics. Also, I have often assumed a totally different meaning to what was written than what Whip actually meant. If he feels misunderstood (and I do not know if that is what is going on), then yes, pissy and defensive are likely from just about anyone.

I find I have to explicitly ask for what I want and need with Whip. He is not going to get it otherwise. If I don't ask, it doesn't happen. It's not because he doesn't love me - it's how he is. This is often immensely frustrating for me. I feel like if I keep demanding what I want and need, he will get tired of my demands and leave me. But that's all in my head. He has shown no sign of that. If I don't tell him, out loud with explicit details, he doesn't know. Perhaps Ginger is similar? If he knows explicitly what you need - down to details you may think unnecessary - then he can act upon it.

It is uncool of him to dismiss your concerns as too emotional or not rational. Either or both may be true of course! But he might be trying, ineptly perhaps, to get you to a point where you can tell him what to do so he can stop causing you pain. He may not be able to figure that out on his own. But if you can do something like I need you Ginger to do 1) walk the dog while Miss Pixi is sick, 2) help me around the house once a week, 3) fuck me silly twice a week, 4) have kinky play time at least once a week, 5) snuggle times three times a week, and so on, then he has something to do.

So you have to figure out what would reassure you and then tell him that. I bet if he has some concrete 'action items' he will do them. It's not fair that you have to figure this out without much help from him. But that is just not who he is. I'm sure he tries but difficult emotional processing is unlikely to ever be his strong suit.

I had some other thoughts but they have evaporated from my brain.

You will figure this out Mags. This discomfort and pain will not last.
 
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