I can't really think of any specific examples on here, but the whole "people pleasing" thing resonates with me too. I was the same way and in moments of forgetfulness I still am, I also get that not everyone gets along. Call me crazy, but what I am talking about is getting past that even. To a place where we all just are... Parts we see eye to eye on and parts we are struggling with in each other.
I'm finding it hard to explain because it seems to be a nonverbal thing for me. Like a form of heightened empathy.
Its almost a spiritual thing for me and I find it hard to totally relate it to poly. I know its what I experience in my "V" but I am trying to accomplish that feeling in my poly community and beyond. I think I have achieved it at work with some of my long term co-workers. I told them just yesterday how much I love and appreciate them and some of us drive each other crazy. They all agreed. Maybe they were humouring me haha!
I guess the whole "type" thing is just to complicated in this whole thing. When I think of it all from afar it is making more sense. When I get down to details about more emotional people, or more theoretical it gets too detailed I think.
When I know a persons Myers briggs test results it seem to create the effect I am speaking of in an artificial way. It seems to defuse differences somehow, just in knowing we are all different and here is a test to prove it.
I think I get that somewhat RP. Like Mark's ex-wife. I can assure you-I don't like her. Not because she's ex-because she's so cruel to our son (her bio son, my step son). She is so selfish that she simply doesn't consider ANYONE's feelings but her own-including our son's.
BUT-every time she's called with her world in pieces (her mom died, her dad moved away, she got two DUI's, she has gone in and out of rehab, etc) I always take the time to help her find solutions (I even researched support groups in her town, the works) and whatever she needed to deal with her life, where she's at, with what she knows.
It's just a matter of "doing the right thing" in my mind....
sigh.... I'm tired of it all really. I just feel like crawling under a rock with my chosen family and hermitting. I totally can see why some poly families do that and just get on with their lives. I feel misunderstood after last night and the realization that I am judged. it makes me weepy, cause I try so hard to rise above that.... others like to steep in it. too much "stuff" is involved.
I hear that! It gets exhausting!!
But if you do decide to hermit can I go too!!??
I've found that I really tailor my conversations and "sharing" to who I am with these days. I never did before-I was just "me" all the time with everyone.
Now I'm ME with the people who I trust... and on here. I don't feel like I can't be real on here-because the reality is that there isn't a high risk of people on here causing me grief in my "real" life.
Even though I personally KNOW several people on here in my real life, they are people I am already "me" with....
But often now when we go out, I just give off a "not social" persona so people don't bother talking to me...
it kind of bothers me-I feel like a bitch. But at the same time, I feel exhausted by the drama that comes with socializing...
I think a lot of the differences in approaches between us and many others in our community are the desire for such a closely integrated unit and the fact that there is a child involved. I think that is often forgotten as most of our friends do not have dependant children and don't want the level of integration we have. Many of our friends have a more inward focus and can focus solely on what they want without the need to consider something like stability for a child.
That's kind of ironic-because all but one of the "poly" or "poly-friendly" people I know in person-have small children at home and so we all have a focus of their needs being critical in our decision making.
If thinking about boundaries does in fact bring up phrases like "I can't" in our own minds, than perhaps there is a control issue. If that is the case, than the question is, am I healthy in a relationship with that type of control?
To me the words "I can't" imply a desire to do so but not being allowed to; Denial.
Living in denial is not sustainable in my opinion.
This is a big deal to me. I haven't yet found a completely solution in my life-but it's something that is very important to me!
When discussing relationship boundaries especially in a possibly judgemental environment it is important to express clearly our thoughts and use words that reflect what we feel. It is also important to be honest in expressing what we feel.
I think the breakdown in this one is that too many people assume that the way THEY understand a word is the way EVERYONE understands a word. BOTH people need to verify (and sometimes double or triple verify) that they both have a clear understanding of the meaning of the words. This step alone has helped SO much in Maca and I understanding one another! I can't imagine how much it will help when talking to other people.
We get into these grooves in life-where we become so entrenched in our own perceptions-we forget that even people standing right next to us-may have different perceptions of the same situations. As soon as we do that-we risk (high risk) that we will not actually communicate to the person we are talking to-thus making talkign to them purposeless for us and them!
I think it is very important to be honest with ourselves in whether we do something because we want to or because we have to. If we do that than those around us will sense it more than hear it.
AH! Very true. Good point and well worth deeper consideration!