Architecture Student Seeking Help!

Hi everyone!

I'm so excited to be here and look forward to getting to know this community! A bit about myself. I'm an architecture student living in Southern Ontario. The architecture lifestyle is busy, but when I'm not drafting I like to run, play piano and cook (vegan) meals. Once I graduate I hope to move to and practise in the North, maybe Whitehorse or Anchorage.

I have been in a responsibly non-monogamous relationship for a little over a year. My partner and I are very interested in group relationships and have been on the lookout for another like-minded couple to date. However we're both pretty picky when it comes to romantic and sexual partners, plus in our age group it's not easy finding people willing to explore that kind of relationship. We also don't live in the same city. So, I'm not sure if our relationship qualifies as polyamorous, but we are certainly encourage each other to form other intimate relationships. At the moment we are only dating each other, and it's a very warm, supportive relationship.

Now, while I'm very keen to be part of this community, right now I have a more specific agenda, and I need the help of other members. In school we have been given the task of designing a residence for 100 people, one that addresses contemporary domestic issues such as ever-increasing mortgage rates, the isolation caused by personal computing, and the need to densify urban dwellings. What I had in mind was a residence for the polyamorous, a dwelling in which large families with 3 or more adults can find adequate space, as well as a network of other poly families. I think the model of a single-family home living in a Victorian house does not fit in the modern urban fabric and polyamorous housing seems like a viable solution.

What do you guys think? Good idea/bad idea? If you could design a residence for 100 polyamorous people what would you like to see in it? How would you divide the space? What would be private, and what would be common? All input is appreciated!

Thanks so much, and I look forward to getting to know you,

Eden Jane
 
Well, one thing I would definitely include for a poly household: top notch sound proofing on all the bed rooms.

But I'm not sure I understand how else a polyamorous dwelling would differ from a regular dwelling. Poly people, like mono people, need their personal space, usually in the form of their own bedroom. If I had three poly people living in a household, I would probably want three separate bedrooms, plus bedrooms for any kids who live with us. In that sense, it's no different than any modern 3 or 4 bedroom home.

This is all a bit idealistic, though... Polys break up and move out just as often as monos. How do you create flexibility for people to come & go as relationships grow and decay? How do you address the variety of configurations?

And I'm just going to say it: Poly people seem to have more than the usual drama. If I knew there was a building full of poly people, I would most likely avoid it. Oh, I might hang around outside and see if anyone cute comes out, maybe ask them out for coffee.. but I would never move in there. It would be worse than a sorority house!!
 
I've often thought that the cohousing movement was also really suited for poly folks. Private space is there, plus community areas. Cohousing comes in all forms from single family to large condo-type buildings. I lean toward the large apartment building personally but a 'village' of smaller homes would also be cool.
 
Hi!
I have no suggestions about your architecture project, but wanted to say hello from another vegan :)
 
I read a lot of sci-fi and spend my daydreams concocting fictional living-arrangements/communities as settings for whenever I get around to writing sci-fi of my own.

For urban settings I usually come back to a "flexible pod" model. The "basic unit" would consist of a bedroom big enough for a kingsize bed (couple), two twins (younger children), or a double and a big desk (and older child/student/single adult) - with an attached bath.

Three such units would open into the "activity room" and constitute a "mini-pod". A mini-pod could be utilized by a nuclear type family (two parents and up to four children), a Vee/triad with a few kids, three adults living as roommates, etc. The "activity room" could function as play area, TV room, be divided into workspaces, etc. depending on the needs of the occupants.

Four "mini-pods" would open into a "common area" and constitute a "mega-pod." A mega-pod could be occupied by several nuclear families, two larger families, a poly network, a cohort of students or single adults, etc. The "common area" would contain a large kitchen with chutes for trash/recycling/compost, laundry room and great room/library/living room. Occupants could elect to pool resources for childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. - or NOT. A mega-pod could house 12-24 people.

Stack three mega-pods on top of each other and now you have a complex - housing 36-72 people. Two complexes back to back and you house 72-144 (you could really stack them as high as physics and local building laws allow). You could slide a ground floor under it with "community areas" - daycare, gym, cafeteria, schoolrooms (if the complex is interested in doing a shared-homeschooling model) etc.

For rural areas I envision something more sprawling and communal which would incorporate community gardening, etc. - like the Long family household on Tertius in Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love".

JaneQ
 
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Responsible is a word I love to hear. I am so glad you are responsible. To help you in your project I would recommend:

1) Centralized communal area, someplace people can get together. So a small family will have one and as the groups get larger they too will have larger ones. They can be dedicated to exercise, games, children, or sex, anything really.
2) Personal space. Not just a good idea, but a really good idea. I certainly would like to sleep in a pile when I can, but hey, maybe my lover ate the bean burrito? Time to find my own room.
3) Community. I can't handle twenty lovers. I can't tell them all how much I appreciate them so you will need ways to interconnect everyone. Local servers for the computer, some places that people have to pass though in a day as they go to work or stay home. so people can post notes to eachother and sideswipe for a kiss.

Well that is all that hit my noodle. If you like the suggestions chat with me and we can see what more can come of it.
 
LoL... I'm too introverted for any of this :p All these shared living spaces make me queazy. My own bedroom would not be adequate "personal space" for me. My bed is for sleeping and lovemaking. When we play roughly, we get out of the bedroom. I need that space to be quiet and calm, and only used for peaceful activities. There is no TV in my room. But I like to watch TV, and I like to be the boss of the remote. That would be difficult in such a shared arrangement.

So whatever you decide, make sure it's suitable for introverts like me... Don't force us to share our space!
 
hey! thanks for everyone's input! does anyone have anything to say about child care in a polyamorous household? how does it typically work?
 
LoL... I'm too introverted for any of this :p All these shared living spaces make me queazy. My own bedroom would not be adequate "personal space" for me. My bed is for sleeping and lovemaking. When we play roughly, we get out of the bedroom. I need that space to be quiet and calm, and only used for peaceful activities. There is no TV in my room. But I like to watch TV, and I like to be the boss of the remote. That would be difficult in such a shared arrangement.

So whatever you decide, make sure it's suitable for introverts like me... Don't force us to share our space!

I'm so introverted that I hate having neighbors whose houses I can SEE - but for some reason I can handle having these boys in my very small house, since I can always go to MY space in the house and they know how to leave me alone. I moved to the country to get rid of even having neighbors - but OP specified an urban housing situation.

In my "flexible pod model above I see two options for one such as yourself. You could rent an entire "mini-pod" for yourself - central room + 3 "basic units" that could be used for whatever purposes (you could put a kitchenette in one so you wouldn't have to share the big one). OR if you had two complexes back to back - the bedroom that butted up to the other complex could "steal" a basic unit from the mirror mini-pod and have a "double basic unit" for one person (bedroom and sitting room). Just because a shared space is available doesn't mean you have to utilize it.

If I was forced to live in multifamily housing like this then I could see the three of us having one minipod to ourselves. One basic unit being the main bedroom with a king-size bed, one basic unit being Dude's alternative bedroom (he sleeps on the couch some nights now because MrS snores) or guest room if someone has another lover over. The third "basic unit" would be my study and the central room our living/TV room. The boys could utilize the shared kitchen if they wanted, I would probably eat in the cafeteria with a good book at a table by myself if they weren't cooking.

JaneQ
 
hey! thanks for everyone's input! does anyone have anything to say about child care in a polyamorous household? how does it typically work?

I don't know that there is a "typical" arrangement - it seems to depend on the poly tangle. (We don't have kids.) Some seem to more strictly define the role of parents vs. other adults but swap babysitting and "special activity" duties. Others seem to have "all adults co-parent all kids" arrangements - which would require a great deal of agreement as to parenting styles, I would think. Incidentally you see all kinds of arrangements of co-parenting in the "monoworld" as well. For instance, kids whose parents have divorced and remarried and have kids from each relationship - wthe rules are different at different houses and compromises have to be reached.

In my flexible pod complex above I imagine that either - 1.) families with kids (whether poly or not) might elect to occupy a megapod together and dedicate one mini pod to be the kids pod, with bunkrooms and play area and adults could rotate kid-watching duties / cleaning duties / cooking duties. OR 2.) the whole complex could have a co-op daycare on the main floor of the complex - outside childcare could be hired or some residents might want to run it as a business and allow non-resident's to place kids there for a higher fee.

JaneQ
 
My ideal "poly accommodation" would include space for cats. Lots and lots of cats. Oh wait. I have that already. Sorry to bother you! LOL
 
I don't know that there is a "typical" arrangement - it seems to depend on the poly tangle. (We don't have kids.) Some seem to more strictly define the role of parents vs. other adults but swap babysitting and "special activity" duties.

lol for some reason, this reminds me of some parents I've met who have referred to caring for their own children as "baby-sitting" because they are not the stay-at-home parent. Ugh (at these parents, not the situation describe by JaneQ).

In general, there is no typical arrangement. I've seen it all. All partners co-parent all kids... bio parents parent their own children but not the children of their metamours... you name it.

My girlfriend's husband is transexual, so when they wanted kids, they made an arrangement with a gay man who also wanted kids. He would provide sperm for all the babies, and she would build them. They've had two together so far. She also has a daughter from a previous relationship. My girlfriend and her husband are primary caregivers for the two oldest children, the biodad is the primary caregiver for the youngest child, but they're all "parents" to all three kids, with all rights and responsibilities implied therein. On Friday nights, all the kids are at my girlfriend's, on Saturday nights, all kids go to the other parent. So the kids are all together every weekend, and all the parents get one free night every week. Every family should be so lucky!
 
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My ideal "poly accommodation" would include space for cats. Lots and lots of cats. Oh wait. I have that already. Sorry to bother you! LOL

Cats require a surprisingly small amount of space. My own cats have an entire house to roam, yet they really only occupy the bed (on and under), the couch (likewise), and the path between them and to the food dish and litter box. A smaller home would mean nothing to them beyond a shorter path between the aforementioned conveniences. I've heard of cats being kept quite contentedly in small RVs.

What cats need are windows. Lots and lots of windows. A door or 11 won't go ignored, either. I'm reminded of the opening page of Heinlein's The Door into Summer:

Pete usually used his own door except when he could bully me into opening a people door for him, which he preferred. But he would not use his door when there was snow on the ground.
While still a kitten, all fluff and buzzes, Pete had worked out a simple philosophy. I was in charge of quarters, rations, and weather; he was in charge of everything else. But he held me especially responsible for weather. Connecticut winters are good only for Christmas cards; regularly that winter Pete would check his own door, refuse to go out it because of that unpleasant white stuff beyond it (he was no fool), then badger me to open a people door.
 
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Haha, I love reading Heinlein. I should pick up another book of his soon.
 
Graduate Student Working on thesis related to Poly-relationships

hello eden,

this is gerardo and i am a architecture graduate student from washington state university. I am currently working on my thesis and I will be done this coming december...if I pass!

My thesis is on the idea of no doors and polyamory.

I have looked in to communes as a reference. Communes in a way have an organized program that accommodates the ideals of a preferred life style or culture. Polyamory deals with a complex family structure that required a very close form of communication and communal interaction.

anyway,

I would like to keep this going, I think it will be a good resource to exchange information about this condition or way of living,
cheers

gerardo
 
As one polyamorist (and one type of polyamorist), I very much prefer my living quarters to have doors (with locks), especially a bathroom door. I in fact crave my own private bed/bathroom suite. I am an introvert.

Communal living is great for those who choose it, but what about the kids who are born into it without choosing it? I guess you could argue that anyone who grew up in a commune would be comfortable with it as adults, but then you could also argue just the opposite. Personally I think that some humans are born to be introverts.

Just sayin' ...
 
My thesis is on the idea of no doors and polyamory.

First, congrats on your degree! I hope all goes well.

No doors? How is privacy created or respected in such a place? I know privacy can be created without physical structures. Through social customs is one way. Or is privacy just not a priority?

If there is literally no doors in a physical structure, well that just sounds hellish for me personally.
 
I want doors. I have a need to go away by myself sometimes. It's hard with three children who do not currently have much respect for the idea of doors at least with reference to Mom. But it's necessary; if I can't have it physically, I'll find it mentally. Frankly I think a physical withdrawal behind doors is better and healthier.

If, by some very long chance, I could have my polyship under one roof, I can't imagine not having separate rooms for the adults. Liam is very extroverted, but needs to take his own space if for no other reason than not to dominate the rest of the household with his personal preferences. (I like the news and documentaries, too, but not as much new sinput as he likes to take in, nor the same type of documentaries. The children have entirely different interests). Jai is more introverted, and would need a space to call his own in that situation, I think. I know I need it -- if not always, then at times. It helps me recharge.
 
You might find this useful
polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2014/05/turning-heads-bushwick-house-for.html
polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2014/05/part-2-brooklyn-poly-house-publicity.html
polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2014/05/yet-more-attention-to-brooklyn-poly.html
 
Not all poly people want to live in a commune!

Far from it.

Lots of poly people need lots of personal space. In fact, when my gf miss pixi and I moved in together a year ago, we searched for found a house that has 1000 sq feet upstairs and an equal space in the refinished basement. We can each retreat to a floor for hours at a time if we need to. We do love cooking together and sharing a kitchen. We love to sleep together and cuddle in front of the huge TV in our girl cave (basement). We have a full bath and 2 half baths for our girly grooming needs. We have a yard and a deck. And a dog.

My bf Ginger is married, poly and has Asperger's syndrome, as does his wife. She lives in their main house, with their newly college graduated son who also has Asperger's. Ginger lives in a small cabin he built on their land. He has developed allergies to the main house, since it is part solar heated but augmented by a wood stove, and he can no longer deal with the particulates.

He and his wife don't like to share a bed for sleeping as their comfort needs don't match up. They also don't eat the same foods (allergies and preferences), so don't cook together.

I think it takes a certain mindset to want to live in a commune. Some mono or single people might be drawn to it. Some poly people wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole.
 
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