of my insecurity

KayFin

New member
Hi,

I would love to start my first real post with something else than a rant of my own insecurity.... but this is recently been on top an troubling me quite a lot.

Background:

I am in a poly-relationship with a bi-woman who has a bf, been together for 1.5 yrs now and going to marry next summer. The three of us live together and as far as I know there is no trouble in this setup.

Troubling part:

I have a dear friend of mine with whom we are very competetive. She and I need to top each other in just about everything, she is just a tad smarter than I am (jury is out on that though) a lot more successful than I am, I am a tad younger and bit more beautiful (well I like to think so) and more artistic...

My partner is quite attracted to my friend and has opened discussion of her intrest on my friend, who is interested in my partner...

So my trouble is this: I do not believe that limiting my partner would do any good, those two people are attracted to each other and I believe I should not stand in their way... and here comes the BUT,

But I am not as secure as I may seem, my partner knows about the competetiveness of me and my friend and still wants to pursue... It all boils down to my insecurity, how to learn to handle jealousy and insecurity when there is close party as the third party?

well might be a bit more of a rant than a real question, but if it wakens any thoughts I would love to hear them

Kay
 
triple threat

Hi KayFin,
I'm at a loss for advice to give on your situation. I'll definitely be following this thread, though. I had never considered the compounded inner trouble potentially brought on by the stack of insecurity+jealousy+competitive nature with a friend to whom your love is showing interest. :eek:

One thing I know as fact is that our journeys tend to make us bigger and better people in the long term. The sum of poly existence for me is "Big feelings, Big bruises, Bigger rewards." That being said, the torture of being in the blood and guts of the sometimes trying present isn't easily soothed by promises of a happy future.

Big hugs for you though. I'm sure someone has some good advice and they'll no doubt be along shortly.

Best of everything to all of you,
Jim
 
Hi KayFin,
I had never considered the compounded inner trouble potentially brought on by the stack of insecurity+jealousy+competitive nature with a friend to whom your love is showing interest. :eek:

I have no advice. I do know how real it is though. I refused to introduce my best friend to my girlfriend for 6 months because I knew he'd steal her. He didn't steal her, but he did date her very shortly after we broke up.

I was..... not happy.
 
Thank you,

My friend is not one to steal a partner but thing I fear is that if we end up having relationship with the same person it might bring out our competetiveness in a very disrupting way.

Worst case scenario: breaking romantic relations and a long friendship

as things are now, I will wait and see how things unfold doing nothing to push it forward or to stop it....
 
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Thank you,

My friend is not one to steal a partner but thing I fear is that if we end up having relationship with the same person it might bring out our competetiveness in a very disrupting way.

Worst case scenario: breaking romantic relations and a long friendship

as things are now, I will wait and see how things unfold doing nothing to push it forward or to stop it....

The only thing you can control is what you do. If you know that your personality issue is being to competitive with this friend, then stop doing so. Find your own hobby, find your own inner peace, learn to be happy with you and what you do and stop your behavior.

I had a jealous issue with hubby's (nutbuster (jim)) most recent ex. I totally believed she was better than me, skinnier than me, prettier than me, and I knew it was MY issue.. Talking with him helped ALOT.. It really did, but our talk only came after a complete melt down of mine and my feelings of insecurity, jealousy, etc.. I felt that if pushed I could not compete with her, and frankly I tend to shut off/down emotions fairly easy so I would not have competed with her, I would have and eventually did cut off any feelings at all I felt for her and let the entire situation go out of my head.

So this will take alot of personal work for you, but you can do it..

Hugs..

Nancy
 
Whether it be your partner (she loves you) or your friend (she cares for your friendship) I would think each of them would be thankful to know your thoughts as they change, intensify, your feelings get yucky, etc.

I'd sit back, work to understand my feelings, and wait for the appropriate time to discuss them. I think its important to do so as things develop, though. That is a moire proactive approach than waiting until your heart feels like it's breaking.

:)
 
Sometime soon, I think I would have a three-person talk: you, your friend, and your partner. I would tell them I am worried about how the competitive element will play into this, but, that I'm willing to give it a try. Find out what thoughts they have if any.

It might be good to schedule a talk such as this once a week, or once a month. During each talk, discuss the status of competition in the friendship and if it is making things bad in the romance area, and what can be done to make that easier. Be honest in saying that you always felt somewhat inferior in your competitions with your friend.

Keep tabs in your own mind of how it's going. What is your emotional state? Is the situation making you a nervous wreck? If so, you may have to step away from it. Unless your partner would honor your wishes to cut ties with the friend, and I'm not sure how you'll feel about that ethically if you can do it.

Hopefully I'm making a mountain of a molehill, and this competition thing won't have any serious effects on your romance with your partner. I just know that I've had a friend, who, for a long time, I wanted his approval, and couldn't seem to get it. That kind of a friendship can be a sad, sad riddle to solve.

Hope this helps,
Kevin T.
 
I would just say to your partner -- "Of everyone you could get involved with this, she will be the hardest for me to handle. I know you're attracted to her, but it would mean so much to me if you didn't pursue it. I don't want to limit you, but I'm just seriously worried about what this will do to our relationship. That said, if you feel like you really have to give it a go, I'll do my best to be ok."
 
What I'm wondering is what would you and your friend be trying to "win" from this relationship? You say that you are competitive with her but not exactly how you see this competition playing out. Would you be looking at ranking time (which can be doled out evenly) or looking at ranking emotions (which are extremely difficult to quantify)? Could you look at your relationship with your partner as separate from her relationship with your partner? Your partner is with you for a reason, as long as your partner still choose you it really shouldn't matter WHO else they are choosing.
 
Well, I have controlled my own insecurity quite well this wknd, and actually I am just sitting back and letting things take their own course.... I feel that had I talked to my partner about my insecurity she would have pulled back just not to hurt me... And i really do not want to limit her.

So today she went to my friends place to talk with her and as much as I try I really can not honestly say I want the outcome to be that they get involved together. *I do realize it is about my limitations as a person* But on the other hand I do know that if something starts I will be cool with it and it will be ok in time.

I am bit anxious today but making myself busy is good way to deal with that.

Thank you all for the respods this far, I really appreciate the input I have gotten from you all

Kay
 
Keep us posted; I hope things work out okay.
 
Quick update,

They had a date yesterday, no melt down on my side. We had a short online discussion after their date ( I was not home last night due my children) and I told her about my insecurity and that I do not want my problem limit her. She once again told that she can pull back (from the new relationship) if I need time and space. At this point I am not asking her to do so.

I am not trying (much at least) to be a superwoman who can handle everything, just being a realist that either I can handle this or then I am not the right person for my partner (and that is not a thing I really want to happen)


Well time to take the kids to school now, have a great week everyone
 
Partner is not in too deep and she's willing to pull back for your well being and the well being of the relationship of (you + her). You state you don't want them together. Those things line up... so why not go with it?

What's so horrible about saying "Hon, thanks. Since you are willing to give it a pass? I'd appreciate you giving this one a pass then. I'm just not feeling great about this one." If the goal is a shared harmonious polyship -- don't be signing up with people you already know you don't get along well with. That's not upping the odds of success for the new polyship.

And thank your partner for her willingness to hear you on that and consideration of you.

Some people are just "messy people." Too messy to date/polyship with. Maybe people like your boss, your parents, etc. Maybe she's on your "messy people" list.

Doesn't have to be a bigger thing than it is. YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
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And the saga continues.....

Well my emotions have been in a rollercoaster ride, I had a long talk with my partner and then with my friend. Basically telling them both that I am ok with their relationship what ever it may be in future. Told both of them that I do have insecurities and fears but that they are my problem (and not that huge problem in anyway at this point) and that I do not want to meddle much in their relationship, just that I let them know it is ok by me and after that it is their own thing.

Mymown emotions have been swinging quite wildly, but I would like to think I am adult enoug to think things through and let reason shine through my worst fears. And like I said to the both of them, my partner was in a poly-relationship when we met and I did have open eyes when I became part of her life.... So if I cannot handle things in the end it is my problem not theirs.
 
There is something I want to note. You are making your feelings seem like they are inferior. They matter, and you have the right to have insecurities, need time to adjust, or whatever else. That is what you feel. Your fears are valid until they subside via reassurance or of your own work from within. I do not care how comfortable you are supposed to be or should be or even what you signed up for. You are owning your feelings. Stop worrying about how your feelings or insecurities will affect anyone else. Remember that you cannot control anyone else's behaviour or how they respond. If your partner decides to back off from the relationship with your friend, know that it was not your fault. You have every right to make your feelings known and to be comfortable. It has nothing to do with limiting her or anyone that you date. Keep working on your fears and insecurities. If your partner is patient, she should be able to slow down and listen to you at the bare minimum and ask what it is that you need from her. Be it understanding, patience, time, or whatever. I wish you luck.

-Ry
 
Right, being poly (or poly-friendly) doesn't mean you have to be perfect. Everyone has their peculiar needs and limitations. I don't think you should just have to choke your worries down, they're not just your problem, you're in a relationship. I would keep a close eye on this partner's budding relationship with this competitive friend and put the brakes on it fast if it is beginning to overwhelm you.
 
Thank you for the input.

I am kind of practical in this, I listed the pros and cons of this (looking things from solely my own perspective) and in the end there are more weight in the pros side... They both do know of my fears and insecurities, but I did say it clearly to the both of them that I want them to proceed and explore what is ahead them.

One of things in me is that I do want to deal with emotions like these and be done with them, all they do is hold me back. I really do not like emotions that hold me back that much. To me this is turning into an opportunity to grow as a person (and yes I do hope it will not backfire) .....

oh and those pros (few of them anyhow)
-I get more time to myself, writing etc. activities
- My partner is with (reasonably) sane woman {there is no such thing as a sane lesbian}
-My partner is not with some psychotich ex of mine (I have been around, and only half joking about those ex's)
-Her new partner is a person I like a lot
 
And Kevin, no ofcourse not.... exept being me I need to try to be perfect, flaws in me are not acceptable
*joke*
 
Those are good pros, so you are on the right track. It takes a bit of work and time to adapt to things. As long as she/they are being supportive and understanding, then, it will be fine.

It helps to be able to get those feelings out, and I write when I am in deep thought. You may not ever be able to get rid of these emotions permanently. They may very well pop up again, but the beauty is that, you will know how to deal with them and work through them. I consider that a pro. :)

-Ry
 
It sounds like the situation is pretty much under control. Carry on, but with caution.
 
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