The Struggling Mono Thread

Thanks for your reply Mono, I didn't see it initially, only Rp's. You are really the only Mono I can think of who I thought might feel compersion. I agree it is slightly different from the generally accepted view of compersion but I think it qualifies in its own right.
You seem to see Rp's relationship with PN to be absolutely necessary for your relationship with her to exist. So maybe you're able to feel compersion for them because you see their relationship as unavoidable. I don't think many monos would feel that way.

GG feels compersion...
He almost never logs in-because he doesn't have time.
But if you want I can ask him to comment...
 
I'm poly-but I struggle with imbalance. If things are unbalanced in the relationship,
(in terms of me getting my needs met-not in terms of equal minutes of the day)
then I compersion goes right out the window emotionally.
I don't let my ACTIONS change. I won't STOP ACTING in a way that I would when feeling compersion.
But my feelings definitely hit the floor.

It's very important for me to get my needs met. MOST of my needs I can meet myself, but in a relationship there are needs that exist only pertinent to THAT relationship and those require both parties.

This is true with my brother/sister and I-not just lovers.

I NEED to be able to talk with them ALONE periodically. It's OUR relationship. If someone, anyone starts to impede that freedom-I become a psycho bitch.

Last night in fact we were talking about religion and the concept of "Love is my religion".
I agree that this is very much me.
But I commented, that if I don't get enough quality time with my sister (certainly the sweeter of the two of us) I lose my desire to be religious.
MEANING-that I lose my sense of love and compersion.....
 
Thanks for all your thoughful and thought- provoking responses.

LR is GG mono? If so that is a second mono guy in a poly relationship who feels compersion. Interesting. Maybe when monos reach the place where they can feel compersion they often don't need forums anymore and so I'm only getting part of the picture.

Obviously I'm still a work-in-progress :)
 
Yes ma'am. GG is VERY VERY mono.

Maca... he is very poly capable-but he tends to "want it for himself". He hasn't worked through the sharing me. He can share himself-but he gets jealous and insecure about sharing me.

GG on the other hand is ok with sharing me with Maca or K (my ex-girlfriend). He was ok with Maca and I being with Maca's girlfriend.
He gets qualms about me being with someone "random" but that's a non-issue, cause I have issues with that as well.

GG is NOT ok with sharing himself though. He is very uncomfortable with even participating in a 3-some situation. He can handle "stimulating" me with someone else's help, but anything that pertains to him getting it on... that just doesn't work for him....

He fell in love with me 17 years ago. He dated a few other women, he's been with like 6 total. The longest relationship he had was 6 months. He hasn't been with anyone but me in the last 11 years and he doesn't intend to be.
 
Just a thought

I have never layed down in my bed at night and thought "I wish she was with me and not PN"....I have wished she was with me though. There is a difference.
 
I have never layed down in my bed at night and thought "I wish she was with me and not PN"....I have wished she was with me though. There is a difference.

Yes, there is a huge difference. I understand precisely.
GG is the same way.
I actually am too. But I'm poly. :p
 
I'd really like to hear from any monos on here about how compersion works or doesn't work for them.

Sorry I am late coming in on this one sage. Although I don't really like the word , I believe that I feel compersion. I don't believe that we monos are incapable of it because of our "wiring". All human emotions are available to each one of us.
I am sure that OHb has felt it too, because of stuff that he has texted to me, and stuff we have said face to face. He is remarkably up front about his feelings.
I will probably think about this some more and maybe write more.
 
examination of feelings

This is not about the compersion debate, just a few thoughts I have that have been brewing in my head and thought might be useful to share; anybody please jump in.
I get quite a lot of time to examine my feelings and emotions since this thing started.
For a mono in a relationship with a poly a lot of bad feelings can arise if one is trying to desperately hold onto a monogamous world view. It is best to let go and just fly with it. You could be dead tomorrow anyway, choke on a hamburger or we could all get hit by an asteroid.
Nobody owns anybody.
But I am honoured that my beloved wants to share with me her life, our kids and her private parts. Cherish what you have when you have it.
Another thing I have found most useful for me is to separate feelings that are based on JEALOUSY and feelings that are based on PRIDE.
Jealousy is an absolutely USELESS emotion where poly is involved. Just discard it; you won't miss it.
Pride however is part of our sense of self worth. Especially, I would say, for a man. Sometimes when I feel a bit like my pride has been hurt then that is a useful indicator that my poly wife is not paying attention to my needs and we can talk about that.
I could probably think of some examples if peeps are a bit confused as to what I mean. But this has helped me sort out and deal with a lot, on my own without dragging my wife into arguments/ confrontations.
 
Ahhh if it was only that easy.:)

i am always wary of anyone who says they have never felt jealousy. Either they are in complete denial or, if they truly have never felt this human emotion, they will never be able to relate to some one who does. that makes them very hard pressed to govern thier actions with consideration for others. They could come across as uncaring and have no true appreciation for why.
 
i am always wary of anyone who says they have never felt jealousy. Either they are in complete denial or, if they truly have never felt this human emotion, they will never be able to relate to some one who does. that makes them very hard pressed to govern thier actions with consideration for others. They could come across as uncaring and have no true appreciation for why.

That's fair comment Mono. I am not a cold detached individual. I have felt pangs of jealousy, but have learned to deal with them. One way is that we have safeguards built into the arrangement.
1. the way the V is constructed; The 3/4 day split means she goes and lives with him for 3 days; the relationships are separate; we are not all together all the time. We find that perfect. We all have space.
2. we never discuss our separate sex lives. That's private.
3. I have never been inside his place and he has never been inside our house. So neither of us can imagine our wife being in intimate situations with the other husband.

In truth though I am just lucky that I am not a very jealous person. I have always been a live and let live kind of guy; As long as people are not hurting me I can leave them alone. Jealousy always seemed like a lot of mental baggage to carry around.
 
1. the way the V is constructed; The 3/4 day split means she goes and lives with him for 3 days; the relationships are separate; we are not all together all the time. We find that perfect. We all have space.
2. we never discuss our separate sex lives. That's private.
3. I have never been inside his place and he has never been inside our house. So neither of us can imagine our wife being in intimate situations with the other husband.

.


I think it's great you are sharing this level of detail about your scheduling :) It's nice to hear the nuts and bolts of how people go day to day as it gives tangible examples. Thanks!
 
I think it's great you are sharing this level of detail about your scheduling :) It's nice to hear the nuts and bolts of how people go day to day as it gives tangible examples. Thanks!

We didn't really have to talk about those things when we set it up; I suppose it was inline with what we all expected, looking back, and seemed most natural. I happily concede that compared to other's living arrangements ours is far simpler, perhaps the simplest form of V, and avoids a lot of potential problems.
Some on here might say that we are not really living poly at all. I dunno. It is working for us.
 
We didn't really have to talk about those things when we set it up; I suppose it was inline with what we all expected, looking back, and seemed most natural. I happily concede that compared to other's living arrangements ours is far simpler, perhaps the simplest form of V, and avoids a lot of potential problems.
Some on here might say that we are not really living poly at all. I dunno. It is working for us.

Your wife loves two men..she's poly. You guys are all being honest..that's poly. Sounds poly to me regardless how anyone else does it :D
 
Vodkafan, how do your kids handle having a mother who lives in 2 houses? Do they have a relationship with her boyfriend?
 
We didn't really have to talk about those things when we set it up; I suppose it was inline with what we all expected, looking back, and seemed most natural. I happily concede that compared to other's living arrangements ours is far simpler, perhaps the simplest form of V, and avoids a lot of potential problems.
Some on here might say that we are not really living poly at all. I dunno. It is working for us.

Simpler! Damn no> it wouldn't be for me. I tried that avenue and for a hinge it can be very difficult. I hated not being near my child. I felt guilty for leaving him and thought myself a bad mother. When he was sick I wasn't there, when he went to emerg, I wasn't there, when he called for me, I wasn't there and PN had to say, "she is at Mono's" house... I hated that. My boy has been worlds happier now that he lives with Mono... that is simpler to me and everyone involved. It took work and has been worth it for our child and therefore all of us...

That and I feel far more confident that I am not using PN for "babysitting" the balance is better and he is sustained in our arrangement.

That being said, you seem to be making your situation work... I wonder about the sustainability of it all, but time will tell I guess. I wonder about your partner and whether or not she is feeling the weight of being in two lives at once. It was hard for me... I was never completely present at either home. Now i am at least present enough to hear PN and LB upstairs of Mono downstairs and feel that they are near,... can indicate by sound what is going on.

I am interested to know your progress on this vodkafan. I only wish for you all what brings the most comfort.

As to jealousy... it is a sign of a process completed that you are able to let jealousy go Vodkafan... It isn't easy, but is possible. That isn't to say it doesn't come back either, but you aren't crippled by it and that is inspiring to hear.
 
Vodkafan, how do your kids handle having a mother who lives in 2 houses? Do they have a relationship with her boyfriend?

They are adapting to it well. The youngest two see her everyday anyway, she and OHb pick them up friday from school and keep them for a couple of hours, and they take them out saturday afternoon also. They (the young kids) have their own little version of NRE going on, the little traitors; They are all "D this and D that". I don't mind. The elder 3 at home have all met OHb but don't have so much contact.
We are just taking things slow. The eldest son is away at uni, he doesn't approve or understand.

Thanks MG and redpepper. It seems very easy at the moment to make this work, only my work hours are a pain. My wife did what I asked and has been sending me lots of romantic texts and phone calls last week.
 
Vodkafan I think you are pretty amazing. Are you are confirmed mono or do you think you'd like to find someone else at some stage? I don't think if Z wanted to start living part of the time with someone else I would handle it at all well. I'd have to find someone else, I wouldn't want to live alone even for 3 days a week. He'd love his SO to come and live with us, I could handle that better.
 
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