I want to add that there are quite a lot of members here who are into various types of BDSM and are well-versed in M/s dynamics. I am not one of them, but I have suggested that a section be created for it here so that people who are involved in BDSM can get more focused advice from the more experienced members, rather than opening up discussions to the members at large who don't know as much about it. However, I still think people who don't know much about it can offer valuable input to you, just from the standpoint of polyamory, or relationships in general.
Furthermore, I have already admitted that my calling the
situation "fucked up" probably sounded harsh, but I was tired when I wrote it and certainly was not implying that the OP is fucked up. And I didn't mean the BDSM was fucked-up, if that's what you both thought. I apologize for using that term. I won't keep on apologizing for
my fuck-up, though. At some point you will either forgive me or not. However, Monogamish said in her original post that "
any and all input or advice would be greatly appreciated, from monos and polys alike." Apparently, though, she was hoping for different responses. Nevertheless I was touched and concerned by her posts, and I did acknowledge that she seemed mature and quite intelligent.
To clarify, when I suggested that she "enjoy being young and single, and forget about poly, BDSM, and (romantic) relationships altogether for a while" I did not mean that I thought she should leave her relationship with you (unless she discovers that she wants to). I meant
not to fret and worry so much about it all, because she's young, there's so much ahead of her, and that there are so many other, wonderful, beautiful things in life to focus on. She wouldn't necessarily need to dump you to "take a road trip, make new friends," etc. I would think that she can travel on her own if she wants, without having to end a relationship.
Please note that my telling her to stretch her wings, and "find out all the things [she] can be,
besides someone's slave" is not the same as saying
instead of someone's slave. You asked me: "why do you feel that further exploration has to be done with no ties at all? Why must it be done without any regard for a close connection to someone?" I don't know why you both seem to think that I was saying she should run away and not to have ties or a close connection to someone. That strikes me as peculiar, and perhaps indicates a sore spot with you both, since I meant to express that she find
more ties and develop
more connections with people. I wasn't even remotely talking about splitting from you (again, unless
she feels it is appropriate for her -- no one else can make that pronouncement for her). So, big misinterpretation there.
Male Half (don't know what else to call you
), [EDIT: I guess you joined while I was writing this -- Hi Lilin!] here were my basic concerns. Certainly the talk about being depressed and tempted by the razor blade was a big one (and I've been depressed and suicidal, so I know what that's about). Also, she said she was scared to talk to you about these things. Glad to hear that you are both talking now. In addition, she's said that she doesn't want to live a 24/7 D/s lifestyle, but it seems she already is, to me. Unless I am perceiving things wrongly. If it's not 24/7, I find it interesting that she has deferred to you to keep answering this thread. Also, you say now that what you wanted hasn't changed and that Monogamish's "filter was blackening" what she heard. My initial response was to her stating that she was confused by the things you've said you wanted, because it seemed to her that you kept changing your mind, and that she really doesn't know what she wants. So, again, it's a good thing you've talked about everything. However, one thing I noted was that it sounds like you want her to take on additional lovers and she doesn't really want to:
Monogamish said:
He has someone sort of lined up for October, and so, I guess, do I (at least, someone has expressed an interest in me) . . . He actually has decided he is going to slow down so much that, until I have had a few poly experience I'm comfortable in and am enjoying.
So, just a little more caution there. I may not be into the D/s lifestyle, but I know enough to know that it's not about making someone have sex or a relationship with people when they don't want to. Maybe that's my misinterpretation, and not what you are moving toward, but I think that it sounds like a fear/concern of hers, even though she's willing and excited about pleasing you. Nevertheless, even if it is only about YOU having additional lovers, Polyamory should be consensual and agreed upon. When a Master wants it and a slave does not, is the slave supposed to submit anyway? I'm genuinely asking. That doesn't seem to really be in the spirit of poly and having agreements, but hopefully, some other of the many folks here into BDSM can address that.
I just saw it as a huge red flag when someone feel like a "horrible person," as Monogamish said she does, for feeling jealous, scared, or insecure. And I do think her youthfulness is a factor in negotiating any kind of relationship, whether poly, mono, BDSM, or not.
I don't think it was so much the D/s dynamic that concerned people, but it's more the DEPRESSION combined with the D/s dynamic. Just because someone chooses a certain lifestyle, doesn't mean it is an exactly healthy choice, especially if those choices are being heavily influenced by a very real mental/medical issue like depression.
^ This. And all this combined with being only 23, no matter how mature she is for her age.