Strange, strange situation: Need advice

onewayward

New member
My hubby and I (55/48) have had a wonderful marriage. Till about 10 years ago we were into the swinging lifestyle. For him, I was centric (he’d have been quite happy remaining monogamous). When we had another woman/women playing with us, it was invariably when other men were around.

Our swinging more or less ended when I fell in love with a guy who had moved into our neighbourhood. He was married and cheating. I was not cheating. Anyway, to cut a long story short, though both hubby and I were burdened with this huge guilt that my lover was cheating on his wife, this intense relationship carried on for a long time. When it ended, all three of us were shattered (hubby and my lover got along hugely).

I have a stepson from my hubby’s earlier marriage. He’s 26. I have a daughter from my hubby. She’s 19. Both have moved out. My daughter’s up north now, but visits us over the odd weekend.

She has a casual thing going with this boy who visits us when she’s down. He’s around or little older than my stepson. It’s not serious, as in, both are clear that it’s headed nowhere.

Now the problem!

Something in me is telling me that I am falling for this guy. And, perhaps, I haven’t been able to really hide that from him either (so hubby tells me), because he has started responding somewhat. Like, he’s started dropping by even when my daughter hasn’t come down to spend the weekend/holidays with us. And he’s been calling me often with some excuse or the other (must confess, I’ve called him a few times as well).

Just can’t figure how to handle this. But don’t want to let go either.

Help!
 
You're interested in your daughter's casual friend with benefits?

Let it go. Like right now.

There is no way for this to develop right now that does not hurt your daughter. None. Even if he is interested - which is possible - the possible damage to your relationship with your daughter makes this a no-go. It doesn't matter how casual a relationship it is.

Unless you are close enough to your daughter to say, I am attracted to your casual FWB, he seems interested in me, your father and I have an open relationship and he is ok with this. I would like to date so and so. Is that ok with you?

(As an aside, is your husband ok with this? He's not worried about your daughter?)

I don't know many parent-child relationships close enough and mature enough to handle this without massive stress and damage. And your daughter is only 19 - an adult but a brand spanking new one. Don't put this stress on her. It's not right.

MAYBE if they stop seeing each other, and a few years go by... Then you can revisit this crush. But this is not worth potentially seriously damaging your relationship with your daughter.
 
You're not falling for him. You are simply flattered that this young guy has a crush on his gf's mom. He's entertaining a MILF fantasy but he'll get over it. Believe me, it will pass like all crushes do -- it's your responsibility to live in reality! WAKE UP. DON'T GO THERE. This is not some Masterpiece Theater drama with lords and ladies screwing everybody in the back halls of some fictitious castle - this is real life and you don't want to fuck a guy who has had his dick in your own daughter! That is just all kinds of wrong.
 
nycindie said:
you don't want to fuck a guy who has had his dick in your own daughter! That is just all kinds of wrong.

+1

Keep repeating this out loud until you are just as grossed out by it as we are.

And for god's sake, throw away that "the graduate" dvd and think about how you would like it if your boyfriend tried to fuck your mother.
 
Wow why would you EVER EVEN THINK of stabbing your daughter in the back.
 
what if your husband wanted to fuck your son's girlfriend?
 
You're not falling for him.

How do you know that?

You are simply flattered that this young guy has a crush on his gf's mom.

Are you a mind reader?

He's entertaining a MILF fantasy but he'll get over it.

Not all women of a certain age are going to attract this man. Perhaps, just perhaps, he really likes and is attracted to this specific woman.

Believe me, it will pass like all crushes do...

Hmmm, don't be so sure. I've had unrequited attractions last for years. Even a decade or more.

I just think you overstated your case a bit, Cindie.

OK, all that said, I've had passing crushes on 2 of my daughters' partners... it's something they don't tell you about in parenting school, how one can get stirred up a bit by your teenagers' bfs or gfs. TABOO!!

I did fight the crushes and they did pass once I got to know these partners a bit better. I do think this OP's loyalty to her daughter should trump her affection and attraction to this young man, no matter how cute and nice he is!

As I said recently, when you're going for polyamory, don't think with your dick/clit. You're not just fucking around, you're taking on another person's soul, past, issues, all that. In this case, you've got your own daughter's psyche to consider as well!
 
Mags, tell the OP a happy story about how there are plenty of hot young guys out there who like to spend sexy-time with hot older women, and how to find them.
 
I would say try to let it go. This presumably attractive guy might legitimately be into you, but he has bee involved with your. That alone is enough reason to shy away from it.

I do believe pursuing it could potentially hurt your relationship with your daughter. What if this guy just cuts her off with no warning and picks up with you? People always say, "The golden rule of FWB is no feelings," but sometimes feelings just happen.

I agree with Mags. You can probably successfully work through it. I have no experience with this type of thing. I do know sharing a guy with my sister was off-limits. I would have never dated one of her ex boyfriends. So my mum? That would have been a resounding no for me as well.

I hope you work it out, though.
 
Don't do anything. Don't act on anything.. Let it go and let it pass...

Doing anything with this young man will hurt your relationship with your daughter. It will be irreparable or at the least take many years to repair and it won't have been worth it.

How awkward would it be to continue with this guy and then have a huge fight happen between the daughter and the boy and then have to have Thanksgiving dinner sitting around with everyone not speaking and looking a the floor in discomfort. The fact that the relationship between your daughter and this boy isn't going anywhere is not a factor here. Don't let that sit in your mind like it validates the possibility of you having a relationship with him
 
Mags, tell the OP a happy story about how there are plenty of hot young guys out there who like to spend sexy-time with hot older women, and how to find them.

Plenty of young hot guys on ok cupid dating site. I've been there 4 years (I'm now 57) and I have lost count of how many men in the 20s and 30s have messaged me. Why just this week I've been communicating with a very lovely 21 year old... He wants a date badly, but I am about to move 20 miles further south than the 10 miles we are now. Of course, guys his age never have much gas money... But we might meet halfway for at least one "romantic" (his word) date. It's not just lust, he is literate and wants to discuss polyamory, music, art, etc.

Anyway! I've had 2 long term relationships with (single, not dating my daughter) 20something men since '09, and a few shorter flings.

Just post some really good pix and write a charming witty profile and wait for those horny, fit, adorably innocent and funny boys to show up!

(Just FTR, I've got a 35 year old gf of 4 years, and a 60 year old bf of 15 months as well, I'm not specifically a cradle robber!)
 
Plenty of young hot guys on ok cupid dating site. I've been there 4 years (I'm now 57) and I have lost count of how many men in the 20s and 30s have messaged me. Why just this week I've been communicating with a very lovely 21 year old... He wants a date badly, but I am about to move 20 miles further south than the 10 miles we are now. Of course, guys his age never have much gas money... But we might meet halfway for at least one "romantic" (his word) date. It's not just lust, he is literate and wants to discuss polyamory, music, art, etc.

Anyway! I've had 2 long term relationships with (single, not dating my daughter) 20something men since '09, and a few shorter flings.

Just post some really good pix and write a charming witty profile and wait for those horny, fit, adorably innocent and funny boys to show up!

(Just FTR, I've got a 35 year old gf of 4 years, and a 60 year old bf of 15 months as well, I'm not specifically a cradle robber!)


Whoa, ask and ye shall receive! And i did not even say "please", let alone beg. But yeah, this is where it's at. Plenty of people in the world to experience.

ETA: Also wanted something to offset all the "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Don't dooooo it!!!!!" answers, even though I gave one of those too. And to show that those answers were not about the age difference. Thanks Mags!
 
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I am shocked that the OP would even entertain this, I think that is so very tragic that she cares more about the thrill than her daughter.

I have a teenager girl too, I just cannot imagine ever purposely causing her such pain.
 
Plenty of young hot guys on ok cupid dating site. I've been there 4 years (I'm now 57) and I have lost count of how many men in the 20s and 30s have messaged me. Why just this week I've been communicating with a very lovely 21 year old... He wants a date badly, but I am about to move 20 miles further south than the 10 miles we are now. Of course, guys his age never have much gas money... But we might meet halfway for at least one "romantic" (his word) date. It's not just lust, he is literate and wants to discuss polyamory, music, art, etc.

Anyway! I've had 2 long term relationships with (single, not dating my daughter) 20something men since '09, and a few shorter flings.

Just post some really good pix and write a charming witty profile and wait for those horny, fit, adorably innocent and funny boys to show up!

(Just FTR, I've got a 35 year old gf of 4 years, and a 60 year old bf of 15 months as well, I'm not specifically a cradle robber!)

I say go out with the 21 year old. It just might be a really nice evening!

I see nothing wrong with robbing the cradle, as long as the people are legal. It works more often than not, and if they like it, I love it. I believe those relationships can be very fulfilling and learning experiences.

Thank you for this. I swear it made me smile. :D
 
Overwhelmed

Truly overwhelmed by all the replies, doubly by the promptness of them.

Thank you, opalescent, nycindie, BoringGuy, Dagferi, Magdlyn, FullofLove1052, nancyfore.

I am not replying individually bcoz I fear I may go overboard while explaining myself. Having said that, I respect the clear veto that’s emerged.

Veto was always the most loaded option in my rational mind. I am truly happy that all the replies have, unanimously, told me to take the call by the strength of my rational mind (it gets fuzzy sometimes, but your replies have helped enormously).


opalescent: Both my stepson and daughter are aware of our lifestyle (they kind of figured when they were younger, in the autumn of 2011 (historic, for us!) three of us (me, son and daughter) discussed it, albeit without ‘categorizing’ the lifestyle, nor mentioning any names of the people who were part of our lifestyle and some of who, I think, my kids suspected as much.
I had wanted hubby to also join in in that ‘historic’ conclave, but he had felt too awkward, and, till date, the matter has never been discussed in his presence (nor otherwise, really, to any great extent).
I am closer to my daughter. We joke with each other. It’s not rare that, in a social situation, if she detects something ‘amiss,’ she’ll be upfront and say something like ‘Ma, you are up to it again.’ And we’ll laugh together.

But yes, I can’t tell her I’m attracted to your casual FWB.

Hubby is more than ok. That’s how/why I didn’t cast my veto right away. His logic is, F (our daughter) has moved on twice already. So it’s only a matter of time.

If they stop seeing each other, then I revisit? Yes, you have given me an option. But all of you have advised a clear hands-off. Perhaps, if F clears my revisit down the line?

nycindie: I tried to explain in my first post, but perhaps did not explain enough. I’ve been a swinging wife with a near-cuck hubby. In the last few years of proper swinging, my preference was younger guys. When the ‘poly’ thing happened, that preference remained. And I’ve been in love only once outside my marriage. This boy would be the second. Both younger. So, there’s no novelty element that’s driving me. Sex, yes. But over the last 10 years, since my first love after marriage, I’ve never had this urge to overstep. The boy’s compulsions? Ok, you may be very right.

oringGuy: What I’ve written to nycindie (above) may explain whyy I shan’t trash The Graduate DVD. Even when I was swinging with hubby, at least in the last few ‘laps,’ I preferred them young. Difficult to change now. But, your point very well taken. I shouldn’t be messing with this guy, given the odd situation. Not because I should be going by your analogy, but because of what you’ve mentioned otherwise. And while I hope Mags narrates the happy story that you want her to, I shall hold back my happy stories, here, about younger guys and how to find them. Just not relevant to this thread, unless I’ve sent the wrong signals in my post.

Magdlyn: Truly appreciate all your comments. Much, much grateful.

FullofLove1052: Thanks to ALL of you, it’s worked out in my mind. No go. But, should opalescent’s “revisit” – if and when – be considered?

nancyfore: May keep sitting in my mind, but shan’t go ahead – unless opalescent’s “revisit???”

Still need advice. No, it’s not the clit tingling. Much beyond that.

Have a great weekend, you lovely folk. And thanks so much for bailing me out. I never knew such a forum existed till I found it today. Such a help, such great comfort to share with people who understand!

P. S. Weekends for me are best for connect.
 
Plenty of young hot guys on ok cupid dating site. I've been there 4 years (I'm now 57) and I have lost count of how many men in the 20s and 30s have messaged me. Why just this week I've been communicating with a very lovely 21 year old... He wants a date badly, but I am about to move 20 miles further south than the 10 miles we are now. Of course, guys his age never have much gas money... But we might meet halfway for at least one "romantic" (his word) date. It's not just lust, he is literate and wants to discuss polyamory, music, art, etc.

Anyway! I've had 2 long term relationships with (single, not dating my daughter) 20something men since '09, and a few shorter flings.

Just post some really good pix and write a charming witty profile and wait for those horny, fit, adorably innocent and funny boys to show up!

(Just FTR, I've got a 35 year old gf of 4 years, and a 60 year old bf of 15 months as well, I'm not specifically a cradle robber!)

Mag, truly appreciate this sharing. And I'm sorry if I shocked your sensibilities, as I did some other's. Was just sharing with no holds barred. I thought I could do that here w/o being judged before being fully understood.
 
I am shocked that the OP would even entertain this, I think that is so very tragic that she cares more about the thrill than her daughter.

I have a teenager girl too, I just cannot imagine ever purposely causing her such pain.

Natja, truly appreciate reply. And I'm sorry if I shocked your sensibilities, as I did some other's. Was just sharing with no holds barred. I thought I could do that here w/o being judged before being fully understood.
 
oringGuy: What I’ve written to nycindie (above) may explain whyy I shan’t trash The Graduate DVD. Even when I was swinging with hubby, at least in the last few ‘laps,’ I preferred them young. Difficult to change now. But, your point very well taken. I shouldn’t be messing with this guy, given the odd situation. Not because I should be going by your analogy, but because of what you’ve mentioned otherwise. And while I hope Mags narrates the happy story that you want her to, I shall hold back my happy stories, here, about younger guys and how to find them. Just not relevant to this thread, unless I’ve sent the wrong signals in my post.


Excellent; fair enough. But part of the point of participating in threads such as this is that even if some of the stuff people say does not apply to you, or you think it's irrelevant to your situation, it's a "public" (privately owned but visible to the public) forum, and the stuff that is superfluous to you may be of value to someone else who is reading it. So please don't take it as though people are assuming that you "are" this way or that way just because they are discussing something beyond the scope of your intent. I did not assume that you were looking for just "a" boy-toy, but in case someone was in a similar situation as yourself reading this and perhaps that WOULD be a viable alternative that they hadn't considered - and Mags' post would be useful.
 
Excellent; fair enough. But part of the point of participating in threads such as this is that even if some of the stuff people say does not apply to you, or you think it's irrelevant to your situation, it's a "public" (privately owned but visible to the public) forum, and the stuff that is superfluous to you may be of value to someone else who is reading it. So please don't take it as though people are assuming that you "are" this way or that way just because they are discussing something beyond the scope of your intent. I did not assume that you were looking for just "a" boy-toy, but in case someone was in a similar situation as yourself reading this and perhaps that WOULD be a viable alternative that they hadn't considered - and Mags' post would be useful.

Thanks for explaining. Never been on or found such a forum to share/bare. a trifle inexperienced. Understood what you've said.
 
My issue with this situation has NOTHING to do with age but the fact fact that you would consider hurting your daughter.
 
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