newcomer asking for some advice

polishguy

New member
Hi,

I will say that I am new to the whole concept of polyamory, at least when it comes to me. I would describe myself as a "mono" who recently entered a serious relationship with a polyamorous woman who does not live in the same city.

I am asking some advice as I know very well my problem: insecurity. First this insecurity comes from my youth; years abuse of verbal, physical and sexual nature left me a being a shy person with low self-esteem. It took me years to be able to function in society in a manner that seems normal. But I still feel fear about disappointing or not being good enough all the time (and not just regarding relationships), though I am somewhat good at not letting it show too much.

We have an incredible relationship, extremely open and honest and we can frankly talk about anything, without judgment on either side. And she has been very forthcoming about her desires and I am quite accepting of them, because in the end, I know she cares deeply about me, as I care about her.

Now, it is important to also know I do not seek to control, manipulate or otherwise force her to make a choice in any way. I only know that would make her miserable and I would hate myself for it.

The irrational part of me fears a little that I will cease to be exciting or that she would pick someone over me however. I admitted to her that I am a little jealous about her going to visit someone, especially after a comment about looking forward to getting laid. Now, understand that I am not the violent type or the green eyed monster type that throws tantrums. I got angry twice in the last 16 years of living on my own (and for very justified reasons). I also do not want her to hide anything from me. Our entire relationship is based on truth and honesty. But part of me fears that I would say something misplaced or even hurtful to her. I have shared with her some of my fears as well and she reassures me that I am a fabulous and amazing person that treats her exceptionally well. What she calls flaws in herself, I call endearing. She also reassures me that the sex we have is off the charts so that I have nothing to fear or worry in that department. While she did not expect to enter a serious relationship for a long time (she recently got divorced), our relationship has progressed to the point she is happy to call me her boyfriend, so I guess I would be what you call her "primary".

Now, I know some of you might think of suggesting "well, why don't you try the poly thing too?". Just understand I am not very outgoing around strangers or people I do not know very well, and it takes herculean effort on my side to make a *move*. Once I get to know someone, I am totally okay with letting down my guard. It took on my side a lot of courage just to let this woman know that I was interested in her. I also know that I am free to try it, as she says she would be very happy to share me with another woman (with or without her being involved). And while I don't say it would be impossible that it happens, I think myself more towards the monogamous side (barring a threesome with another woman).

Again, I know most of these fears are completely irrational and unfounded and she has my total trust, but do you have any advice on how to deal with these fears I have.

JT
aka PolishGuy
 
Hi,

I am asking some advice as I know very well my problem: insecurity. First this insecurity comes from my youth; years abuse of verbal, physical and sexual nature left me a being a shy person with low self-esteem. It took me years to be able to function in society in a manner that seems normal. But I still feel fear about disappointing or not being good enough all the time (and not just regarding relationships), though I am somewhat good at not letting it show too much.

We have an incredible relationship, extremely open and honest and we can frankly talk about anything, without judgment on either side.

<snip>

The irrational part of me fears a little that I will cease to be exciting or that she would pick someone over me however. I admitted to her that I am a little jealous about her going to visit someone, especially after a comment about looking forward to getting laid.

<snip>

Now, I know some of you might think of suggesting "well, why don't you try the poly thing too?".

<snip>

Again, I know most of these fears are completely irrational and unfounded and she has my total trust, but do you have any advice on how to deal with these fears I have.

JT
aka PolishGuy

Hey JT,

With a certain bluntness that I don't use too too often, the first thing that came to mind is Counselling. Your fears, while admittedly irrational are probably deeply seated and aren't easily dislodged by yourself without the introspective tools that people don't have outside shaolin temples. :rolleyes:
Now that I've written this my wife will probably fire me a message on FB asking when I'm going to go for MINE! Nuts.

Anyways, other than that, all I can suggest is taking some time to address these concerns to yourself...changing internal dialogs and such, to the other options. One of the great things I love about poly, is that there doesn't need to be an 'instead of'...perhaps just an 'as well as'. There's probably a shelf load of self-help books at chapters both hokey and legitimate to try and give you the tools for that. I would suggest either a professional or similar individual would have specific suggestions for titles or techniques. But it sounds like the issues you're struggling with are beyond the scope of just being involved with a poly person.

It does sound like the two of you have some good communication going on already, which is a great start. Foster it, expand on it...and let her in on your concerns. At the very least if you have a bad episode where you say the things you're afraid of saying, she will have had some heads up that it may not be how you actually feel, but that you're reacting on your fears.

As for trying poly yourself...you seem to be on the right track there too. There's nothing wrong with making sure the relationship you have can work before worrying about adding another. One step at a time.

Cheers.
 
I don't think your feelings are irrational at all. Whether you are in a mono or a poly relationship, sometimes the "will I be good enough" can rear it's ugly head.

You are on the right track. Open and honest communication. Talk. Talk. Talk. Argue, if that's what it takes. Problems can arise even when we are completely honest about our feelings, but it's easier if you are both on the same page as to what you are feeling.

Going into a poly relationship can be alot to wrap your head around. Feelings you never thought you would feel are suddenly in your face, and you're trying to figure out where it came from. You don't know what your feelings will be until you face the situation, and feel the feelings. Just be honest about it. I think with time and talk, you'll know what works for you both.
 
Reading these comments do help. At least, it gives me a direction to look at on how to deal with my issue. That 1st link also helps a bit. Makes me examine why I am afraid. As for counseling, as much as I know, I would go there, and end up not talking. I only shared my "past" with her, recently and it did help me a lot.

Indeed, we have a lot of communication and often conversations until the sun rises. I will tell her a bit more about my fears, but also that I love her and trust her. She is a wonderful person, who literally means the world to me.
 
Just a quick comment. You might want to ask her to refrain from being so obviously excited about "getting laid" by other guys. She could exercise a little more tact in discussing her other relationships with you. Have her read the forum posts here as well and it might shed some light on what you are feeling which is real, completely rational and human by the way :)

Take care and good luck.
 
Feeling like less

Sometimes, someone who loves you wonders why he was so lucky to have found you and are afraid of losing you that they feel less than other men. It does have to do with your life experience. How our lives have been lived determines who we are today and how we feel about different things including a major love feeling for a special woman.

My boyfriend has some of these same feelings and I tell him when he feels this way to tell me and we talk until he feels safe and secure in our love. The frequency of these times is getting further and further apart. I am always patient with his feelings and reassure him I am not looking for another man in my life and if I ever did, I would tell him up front and listen to his concerns. When a man is treated badly in the past whether by family or lovers, he carries the pain and hurt around for his whole life. When he finds a women who truly loves him for who he is, then he is sure she will go away at some point. We can reassure him as needed until he is secure enough to relax and just enjoy our love for him.

I agree with mono about therapy and its helpfulness in learning to deal with these feelings. Some people can do and some cant. Just talk to your lover and you can learn to feel better about your love and its preciousness and protecting it. Take it one day at a time and you will last a long time.
Good luck! :)
 
Interestingly enough... last night I was on the phone with her... Despite having a really rough day her self, I asked her to listen to something important for us. I told her it was for the better if I said it, and to listen until I was completely done. At that point, I know she could hear me starting to cry as I was saying it, as my voice got very tense, but I told her that "I know I am insecure, but I love you with all my heart and I trust you completely" (it took about 15-30 seconds to say... because I was crying a lot) I felt so... relieved to say it out loud. I told her that, even if I am not the most comfortable right now with all of this, my insecurities are not because of her but me, and I want her to continue to tell me everything and never feel like she has to hide anything, just as i want to be able to share with her how I feel.

Our conversation ended with her telling me she loves me and thus went to bed knowing she loves me and that has helped a lot.


I want to thank you all for your support here. You guys and gals are kings and queens to me for this help. I might be lurking in the future to read stuff and see things that are similar to me. But most importantly, I took a big step to feel better and feel safer.
 
Despite your insecurities, it sounds like you have a great start.... keep the communication going openly and honestly, and you will likely find that it will help alleviate any fears you may have. Welcome to the forum!
 
I don't see any blaring problems really. Everyone has covered what I would say. You seem to be on a good track and in time I suspect that things will only get better in regards to your fears if you keep up the good communication.
 
Stick around dear lurker-you already took the chance to "make a move" so don't let it slide under the carpet! You just met a handful of people who could become good friends over time!
Great step with your girlfriend as well. It's always good to just get those feelings off of our chest-hear the words we hoped we'd hear and feel some peace. :)
 
True, one cannot have enough good friends.

I have been reading a lot on the link Ceoli posted. Lots of it seems to apply to me. Some does not, but I guess that is just normal. Again, thank you for the warm welcome and answering. Part of me was worried that I was crazy or something like that for feeling this way. I also realize that I am not as threatened as I thought I was. We did talk about looking at our respective comfort zones and adjusting them as our relationship progresses. I guess that is all I can ask for, for now ^_^
 
Heck that is all anyone can ask for in any type of relationship. ;) To be able to work with details of comfort, needs, desires and dreams as they come along.

I have really enjoyed reading Ceoli's posts as well. I've also found Mono's VERY helpful-especially if you start with the older ones and work forward.

There are many very insightful, thoughtful and thought provoking threads on here.

You might find that you enjoy talking to Maca some as well. He's my husband. He's new to the idea of poly and has always considered himself poly (i've never been poly I think in my whole life). He's just starting to come to terms with the idea and is struggling with some of the details too. He's not on as often as I am though! Boy he works too much!! ;)
 
Oh cool, Jestem Polska dziewczyna!

Jak się masz?

And yeah, like the folks in here have been saying. The fears you're having aren't irrational. Your insecurities aren't irrational.

First and foremost, never EVER feel guilty for having a feeling. No matter what you're feeling, its ok to FEEL it. Its the actions afterward that are important to have a grip on.

What's helped me a lot with insecurity and jealousy issues is to try this; as soon as i feel that icky queezy sensation in my gut, like jealousy or fear, I stop, take a breath, and say to myself "right now, I am feeling jealous." or fill it in with whatever it is I think I'm experiencing. I say it to myself and then say "its ok that I'm feeling jealous. This is a perfectly normal reaction for me to be having."

And that's true for you too, and anyone. Whether you're feeling afraid, insecure, angry, happy, sad, ecstatic, nervous. First you tell yourself that you're allowed to feel that way

THEN try and understand WHY you're feeling that way. "I'm feeling jealous right now because my partner is going on and on about the stripper his buddies at work hired for his birthday", that sort of thing can be broken down "I'm upset because I was not involved in the enjoyment that brought him", "I'm upset because he may have enjoyed her body more than he does mine" and on and on... and from there I can say "I can't possibly expect to be the ONLY thing that makes him happy, so why should I be upset when he has pleasurable experiences without me? Its ok." and then, "so what if her body is better than mine? Will he pick to spend his time with women with better bodies than me, just because they're better looking? No, so what does it matter if she looks better than me?"

(there are more avenues in this particular scenario, and in the end I can practice this sort of behavior until that gripping, icky feeling in my gut stops happening when he mentions other hot women. Or I can decide that it takes too much energy for me to spend time having this break-down in my head, and ask him to please stop talking that way in front of me for my sanity)

It took me a while to get good at breaking down why I'm feeling a certain way, but the point is that it will reveal what's REALLY bothering me, and then I can work on the real issues, instead of reacting to the pure feelings I'm having.

So next time you feel spiteful, or feel as though you're going to say something mean or hurtful to punish her for making you feel insecure, STOP. Take a breath and say to yourself "I'm feeling spiteful, and I'm I want her to know how much what she just said upsets me". Then what you can do instead of making a sharp tongued remark, you can tell her "what you just said made me feel really insecure right just then. Can we talk about that?" And then work it out when you're more calm. It doesn't have to be right then. At that very moment you can even add "I'm feeling insecure, please tell me something you love about me for a second."

And she should be able to help you with that. Those are really important requests to be able to make, and to feel entitled to, which you are. You are free to ask for anything you want. Yes, your partner can always say 'no' to a request, but at the very least you're making your feelings known instead of squatting on them and letting them fester.

This is just some practical stuff i wanted to write out because its helped me a lot. It takes everyone in this world a good deal of control over their emotions to do this, not to mention patience and energy to be that honest with yourself, and THEN be that open about it to your loved ones. But its been an invaluable tool in my arsenal against the insecurities in my everyday life. I hope this helps!

Powodzenia!
 
as a side note, I mentionned that I was scared of saying something hurtful, but I usually am extremely good at holding my tongue.

I will definately try to apply the advice I received to the best of my abilities based on the circumstances.
 
My husband Macbeth and I have been in the poly way for only a couple of months. My boyfriend is mono, and shares many of your feelings. Macbeth and I have been working on our own insecurity issues in our primary relationship that have emerged, as expected, in our poly adventures. Reading The Ethical Slut was really helpful for me as it reminded me that while the feelings of my primary are important, the feelings of my boyfriend are too and I spent some time recently asking him what would help him feel secure, safe, and cared for. This was extremely helpful. Telling her what would help you feel loved, secure, and important would be helpful. If making your needs explicit is difficult, then I echo the concept that counseling/therapy would be helpful. I am a psychologist, and can say that if you go to anyone who knows what he/she is doing, the shrink will know how to help you feel comfortable talking. I would also recommend going to someone who is explicitly poly friendly and therefore would understand the issues you present.
 
Again, thank you all for your support. I have talked a lot with my girlfriend. I can share my fears and insecurities and it has been rather liberating. She is exploring (well, a bit more than just explore) getting involved with someone in her hometown (I was aware of this before hand, before getting serious with her). While I do know she has a few affairs of the hearts and even a one relationship, this particular one scares the daylights out of me. Part of it has to do because he is in the same town as her.

She has offered to take it slower (which I accepted, but I also told her I trusted her to make the right call) , but I cannot keep but feel threatened by him :( We are still establishing boundaries, but I don't want either to hurt her by saying "No, you can't date him", even though for this specific case, part of me wished it was so >.<

I did ask her to have a talk with him, because he is also polyamorous, married and living with with his wife and his wife's boyfriend. I asked her to let him know that I am feeling very threatened and ask some advice on how to reassure me. I think it is important that if he is going to get involved with her, he also knows how I feel about this matter. She has agreed to have a talk with him, which comforts me a little :(

She is going to an event with him tonight and I expect to hear from her only tomorrow (she will likely spend the night at his place because there will be drinking involved and no one would want her to drink and drive).
 
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