Proposing polyamory to a partner for the 1st time. Merged Threads, General Discussion

Talking about poly with longtime partner

I'm still very new here, and I found this forum during my quest for how to help my husband understand my orientation towards you know, life, the universe, and everything.

At my heart I do believe that you can love more than one person at once. Life is fluid, people enter into and exit from our lives and sometimes the connection runs deep. There are many ways you can love the people in your life. Sometimes it is a deep emotional connection, sometimes it's a sexual desire, etc. But certainly it isn't random fucking.

I also believe that expecting sexual monogamy in relationships seems to set people up to fail. I've always wondered why affairs are the big deal breaker for people when they happen (it's not just 'bad' people!) and although some are 'exit affairs' and some have to do with unmet needs, they also just have to do with attraction. I hate that the textbook response to an affair is 'shut the other person out and never put yourself in that situation.'

My husband and I have always given each other a lot of freedom. It's been a big deal for us to realize that he expected sexual monogamy and I always thought he knew me well enough to realize that I don't believe in setting restrictions on relationships.

It's been interesting having heart to heart conversations and trying to explain that I'm not talking about swinging, I'm talking about being open (emotionally and physically) to more than one.

Given that we have been okay with each other going out with other people, we've lived apart (for work) and always been upfront about who we were with, I really always assumed he knew that there could be the possibility of either of us developing other relationships.

So that's a lot of babbling. I"m not even sure what I'm asking, maybe I"m just putting stuff out there.

How do you define your beliefs regarding polyamory? How did those of you who are established as such come to that place?

And here is another sticking point for me, or maybe I just need practical help- why does it feel controlling (to me) to have my partner control my sex life, ie determine that I only have sex with him? Sex with another person isn't a diss on him, or make him any less to me. And does the desire for additional relationships just make me a total hedonist? He says I would feel differently if the shoe were on the other foot. However I feel that other relationships would not change who we are or him 'being there for me.'

From what I've read, it seems like the type of poly I identify with is a 'primary' relationship (although as it's been pointed out that doesn't make 'secondaries' any less, just different) and secondary ones. A type born out of necessity since we've been a strong partnership for so long (me and R). And given the types of other relationships we've had, it seems like a very small skip to 'allow' or recognize sexual developments.

Many friendships and deep relationships never develop into the desire for a sexual component but when they do... yeah, I'm asking for permission. Is that wrong? :eek:

What generally happens in situations like this (a long time assumed mono relationship)?

PS: feel free to move if this should go somewhere else.
 
And here is another sticking point for me, or maybe I just need practical help- why does it feel controlling (to me) to have my partner control my sex life, ie determine that I only have sex with him? Sex with another person isn't a diss on him, or make him any less to me. And does the desire for additional relationships just make me a total hedonist?

What generally happens in situations like this (a long time assumed mono relationship)?


I can only speak from my own experiences, but yes, I have felt an aspect of control, or limitation, comes into play. I have had two relationships devolve into platonic friendships, each time due to health issues with the other person. There was an unstated demand that if they were no longer able/willing to have a sex life, mine should stop when theirs did. That, in effect, since we were in a relationship, their illness and limitations became mine, as though we had to share a body between us.

In the first case, i waited 6 years to see if anything changed, or if it ever occurred to them that asking me to be celibate because they chose to be was unreasonable. it never did. And that's 6 years of my life I will never have back. The responsibility for that is totally mine, for not feeling sure i had the right to ask for more.

Now, it's creeping up on two years. This time, my partner is willing to acknowledge that her illness is not mine, and that my needs/desires don't vanish in conjunction with hers. That's progress.

But mainly, it's progress for me to say (firmly) I will no longer allow someone else to have that kind of power over my life. I won't ever agree again to be monogamous in relationships, and everyone will hear that from me up front from now on. It feels very strange to state that, as though I am asking for too much, but I think that's just unfamiliarity, not being unreasonable.

Allowing one's desires/needs to be unacknowledged seems to lead only to sadness, resentment, distancing, and diminishment of the feelings that brought two people together to begin with. From now on, if things tank, they will do so with me standing up for myself, clearly stating what I want, and intend, and expecting others to do the same.
 
Cheating is not cool. I think it's a big deal to people (in monoships or polyships) because of broken trust/broken agreements. Can't play safe with a liar. If being attracted to others is not a big deal? Tell partner you want to date them. Renegotiate boundaries or end it with existing partner(s), then go date the new person!

Ethics are ethics. *shrug*

How do you define your beliefs regarding polyamory? How did those of you who are established as such come to that place?

Always felt that way. Have the capacity and desire to love more than one at a time. At certain times of my life, have. Other times have chosen not to because of other priorities or goals. Life is long. What I want at different times or ages of my life change.

And here is another sticking point for me, or maybe I just need practical help- why does it feel controlling (to me) to have my partner control my sex life, ie determine that I only have sex with him?

I do not know how he expresses himself. There's no verbatim examples given.So I'll assume positive intent and assume he's just saying it is not his fancy. If that is what it is?

If one of his personal preferences/boundaries is "For me to share sex with you, it needs to be exclusive?" It's his right to share his body how he wishes. Nobody is just entitled to his body. He chooses how he wants to share it.

His willingness? Also all his own. He doesn't have to be willing to participate in a polyship.

You have your own willingness. The other polyships person(s) have theirs. For a polyship to happen? All players have to share the same willingness.

I don't think it is "controlling you" for him to have a different preference -- it just is how it is. People's preferences are what they are, and compatibility will vary and can change over time as people grow and change.

Sex with another person isn't a diss on him, or make him any less to me. And does the desire for additional relationships just make me a total hedonist? He says I would feel differently if the shoe were on the other foot. However I feel that other relationships would not change who we are or him 'being there for me.'

You can feel as you do and value what you value. He feels as he does and values what he values. Maybe you do not value the same things. Again -- compatibility issues.

But you do not determine his willingness to "be there for you" -- he does.

And the relationship DOES change if you all decide to polyship with another or others. What you have now comes to and end because things CHANGED to become something else. There's more polymath, players could have transitional grief and feel poly hell weird... it's just not the same anymore. Your feelings might not change. His might. Because his feelings belong to him.

If you are offering polyship? And he's saying "No, thank you. I do not wish to participate in a polyship" -- then he's within in his rights to decline. He doesn't have to accept every invitation or offer he receives. Can't force someone to do something against their willingness. *shrug*

If his willingness is a hard limit "No way, never would want that for myself. I will not participate in a polyship with you." Have to accept that. It would be fresh of you to expect him to go against the grain to suit you. Just like it would be fresh of him to expect you to go against the grain to suit him.

If it is a soft limit that could change in time -- maybe something like this could help guide conversation to assess that some before he gives his Final Word on the subject.

There is NOTHING wrong with how either of you wants to have your romances -- be it in polyship or monoship. All shapes are valid -- but if it is not a shared willingness and shared shape that you both desire? Not compatible then. Could accept it and make the call for how to proceed next.

He has the right to want his romances to come in the shape he wants.
You have the right to want your romances to come in the shape you want.

  • If these wants and shapes align -- great. You can share that.
  • If they do not align, you work it out and find compromises you both are willing to do so you can enjoy being together after all.
  • Or it can't work out all. There is not compromise to be found that serves both. So you choose to not be together any more.

That's about it.

Galagirl
 
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I also believe that expecting sexual monogamy in relationships seems to set people up to fail. I've always wondered why affairs are the big deal breaker for people when they happen (it's not just 'bad' people!)
I have to agree with Gala that cheating breaks trust. People in non-monogamous relationships still find ways to 'cheat' by not being honest. And after seeing, on an infidelity forum, the mental torment of lies and gaslighting that generally accompanies affairs, I don't really see it as something a 'good' person does.

My husband and I have always given each other a lot of freedom. It's been a big deal for us to realize that he expected sexual monogamy and I always thought he knew me well enough to realize that I don't believe in setting restrictions on relationships.
How long have you been married? Are you saying you never intended to be monogamous with your husband? If so, and given that sexual monogamy is generally part of marriage in this society, why would you assume he knew that if you two never discussed it?

It's been interesting having heart to heart conversations and trying to explain that I'm not talking about swinging, I'm talking about being open (emotionally and physically) to more than one.
And what is his position so far? Is he thinking about it or definitely not interested?

why does it feel controlling (to me) to have my partner control my sex life, ie determine that I only have sex with him?
Quite possibly only you can answer why it feels that way to you, but I never once, in my monogamous marriage, felt that my (now ex) husband 'controlled' my sex life. I see monogamy as a gift two people give to one another, willingly.


He says I would feel differently if the shoe were on the other foot. However I feel that other relationships would not change who we are or him 'being there for me.'
Sounds like he's telling you how he feels about it.


What generally happens in situations like this (a long time assumed mono relationship)?

You'll find lots of members on this board in this situation. I personally see a lot of heartache on this board in these situations, when one spouse is suddenly handed the news that the other wants to change the rules of the game. It's understandably a problem when one didn't sign up for an open marriage and is suddenly expected to be in one. Others will point out that those for whom it's working are less likely to be on a forum in the first place.

At the very least, I think you can expect many months of upheaval, discussions, working through things, pain on your husband's part. If you are determined to do this and he agrees to try, be prepared to go very slowly.
 
The quest is for him to understand old new you or to get him on board?


When you say your husband and you gave each other a lot of freedom what does that mean ...what did that entail ? Is there or was there a mixed message all those years.


What great question on what general happens in a longtime assumed mono marriage. Personally I think it player and situation dependent. How tightly held everyone's beliefs and wants are. How bad everyone wants to be together. Identifying deal breakers.

Do you think pushing this could cause the end of the marriage?
 
Cheating is not cool. I think it's a big deal to people (in monoships or polyships) because of broken trust/broken agreements. Can't play safe with a liar. If being attracted to others is not a big deal? Tell partner you want to date them. Renegotiate boundaries or end it with existing partner(s), then go date the new person!

Ethics are ethics. *shrug*

Yes, I agree and thank you for restating. I wasn't trying to condone cheating... Just saying 'affairs' are out there so much perhaps being up front and honest is a better model. :)

I do not know how he expresses himself. There's no verbatim examples given.So I'll assume positive intent and assume he's just saying it is not his fancy. If that is what it is?

If one of his personal preferences/boundaries is "For me to share sex with you, it needs to be exclusive?" It's his right to share his body how he wishes. Nobody is just entitled to his body. He chooses how he wants to share it.

His willingness? Also all his own. He doesn't have to be willing to participate in a polyship.

You have your own willingness. The other polyships person(s) have theirs. For a polyship to happen? All players have to share the same willingness.

I don't think it is "controlling you" for him to have a different preference -- it just is how it is. People's preferences are what they are, and compatibility will vary and can change over time as people grow and change.

Yes, he was positive intent. Just not his fancy. But also something he has not seen a positive model of. His experiences are just with hurtful open relationships that had little regard for the 'primary' partner.

Thanks so much for these clarifications, they are helpful to me. I don't want to railroad things or skew them- kwim?


You can feel as you do and value what you value. He feels as he does and values what he values. Maybe you do not value the same things. Again -- compatibility issues.

But you do not determine his willingness to "be there for you" -- he does.

And the relationship DOES change if you all decide to polyship with another or others. What you have now comes to and end because things CHANGED to become something else. There's more polymath, players could have transitional grief and feel poly hell weird... it's just not the same anymore. Your feelings might not change. His might. Because his feelings belong to him.

If you are offering polyship? And he's saying "No, thank you. I do not wish to participate in a polyship" -- then he's within in his rights to decline. He doesn't have to accept every invitation or offer he receives. Can't force someone to do something against their willingness. *shrug*

If his willingness is a hard limit "No way, never would want that for myself. I will not participate in a polyship with you." Have to accept that. It would be fresh of you to expect him to go against the grain to suit you. Just like it would be fresh of him to expect you to go against the grain to suit him.

If it is a soft limit that could change in time -- maybe something like this could help guide conversation to assess that some before he gives his Final Word on the subject.

There is NOTHING wrong with how either of you wants to have your romances -- be it in polyship or monoship. All shapes are valid -- but if it is not a shared willingness and shared shape that you both desire? Not compatible then. Could accept it and make the call for how to proceed next.

He has the right to want his romances to come in the shape he wants.
You have the right to want your romances to come in the shape you want.

  • If these wants and shapes align -- great. You can share that.
  • If they do not align, you work it out and find compromises you both are willing to do so you can enjoy being together after all.
  • Or it can't work out all. There is not compromise to be found that serves both. So you choose to not be together any more.

That's about it.

Galagirl

Okay, great. Your perspective helps me a lot. I do think there is room for compromise. However, yes, the potential to have long term effects on our relationship is very real and part of why I'd like to talk and explore here as we do the same at home. I also need to type up 'my story' for a reference point.

He's a pretty open person, these are just some big conversations for us to have. He is not a very up front person and will often just keep his mouth shut, so sitting down to talk about things like this are new for him/us.

I greatly respect the tone of the senior members here. I would not be discussing polyamory at all if our situation had not moved me to, although I would have probably always labeled myself 'free spirit.'

'Ethical non-monogamy' makes sense to me, but it certainly isn't a mainstream way of thinking.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I appreciate them.
 
I have to agree with Gala that cheating breaks trust. People in non-monogamous relationships still find ways to 'cheat' by not being honest. And after seeing, on an infidelity forum, the mental torment of lies and gaslighting that generally accompanies affairs, I don't really see it as something a 'good' person does.

Well, yes, of course. I have seen infidelity my whole life- but never heard of polyamory. Perhaps if a positive model (knowledge and consent with all partners) were more known, lying and cheating could be more avoided. That's all I was clumsily saying. ;)

How long have you been married? Are you saying you never intended to be monogamous with your husband? If so, and given that sexual monogamy is generally part of marriage in this society, why would you assume he knew that if you two never discussed it?

Oh, we've been together 16 years. Married for 11.

Well, we've had other men in our bed, he is aware of occasional 'heavy petting' that has gone on with others. We have both worked far apart for extended periods and I have always been (I felt) direct with the idea that another sexual partner (for him) would not destroy my marriage with him. But perhaps I confidently say that knowing he isn't the type to act on his feelings?!

Also, as I nursed and co-slept with babies and I watched him not get the emotional or physical support he needed at home (and be hugely resentful of things I didn't have a ton of control over- as in my body and mind needed recovery time!!) I actively encouraged him to seek that support elsewhere.

As I type that, I see that I"m telling him what's okay for me, but not necessarily asking him what his boundaries are. I need the 'bag' smilie.

He, however, has identified me (correctly) as a risk taker and thrill seeker, with a strong love of being unconventional.

And what is his position so far? Is he thinking about it or definitely not interested?

Thinking. Trying to understand. And I'm trying to go slow and let him work past negative connotations and understand what I believe so we can move forward. I don't think he's aware of the term polyamory. That will be our discussion this weekend.

Quite possibly only you can answer why it feels that way to you, but I never once, in my monogamous marriage, felt that my (now ex) husband 'controlled' my sex life. I see monogamy as a gift two people give to one another, willingly.

Thank you.

You'll find lots of members on this board in this situation. I personally see a lot of heartache on this board in these situations, when one spouse is suddenly handed the news that the other wants to change the rules of the game. It's understandably a problem when one didn't sign up for an open marriage and is suddenly expected to be in one. Others will point out that those for whom it's working are less likely to be on a forum in the first place.

At the very least, I think you can expect many months of upheaval, discussions, working through things, pain on your husband's part. If you are determined to do this and he agrees to try, be prepared to go very slowly.

Again, thanks so much. I see that here also, and that's why I am talking through the whole thing to determine if this model of relationship is worth the risk after years of a monogamous relationship.

Perhaps we decide to remain monogamous and put our energies into more boundaries on the relationships we form... although we did discuss that and neither of us was interested. Plus after awhile I"m pretty sure I would become resentful. And we're just talking the nature of our close relationships here, not sex. :)
 
The quest is for him to understand old new you or to get him on board?

To understand my beliefs. Then to figure out how to work together in a way that is satisfactory for us both.

When you say your husband and you gave each other a lot of freedom what does that mean ...what did that entail ? Is there or was there a mixed message all those years.

Well, when I worked in town and if I went out after work, it would not be uncommon for me to stay out until the wee hours. Occasionally return home in the am. And I was out with men men/women groups. He was aware.

We do quite a bit of partying with other men (our friends) and that includes me being physically close.

As I think about it, I believe the accepted unspoken standard has been 'everything but sex' was probably assumed to be okay. And deep emotional relationships are okay too. That's been discussed.

Although, of course, if you haven't guessed I'm the extrovert and he's the introvert.

What great question on what general happens in a longtime assumed mono marriage. Personally I think it player and situation dependent. How tightly held everyone's beliefs and wants are. How bad everyone wants to be together. Identifying deal breakers.

Do you think pushing this could cause the end of the marriage?

Okay. I think for our situation it might be something we do want... I'll go type that out now.

No, pushing this will not end our marriage. We love each other! He's not a closed person, he's just feeling insecure right now, is my take. And pissed, a little bit as he wants me to just say 'okay, we're monogamous, done' so that he doesn't have to worry. I just won't come off of it because even if we decide not to have other physical relationships, it doesn't change the fact that I am more of a poly-amorous person.
 
He's a pretty open person, these are just some big conversations for us to have. He is not a very up front person and will often just keep his mouth shut, so sitting down to talk about things like this are new for him/us.

Hrm. If you moved to polyshipping, this could be a big problem in communications with all the poly players. Even in just the 2 people marriage, it's sounding not as easy as it could be.

If the main goal is this...

To understand my beliefs. Then to figure out how to work together in a way that is satisfactory for us both.

Is your need the acceptance of your polyness? What if he totally accepted your polyness... but still wanted exclusive monoship? Would him opening enough to talk about your poly feelings be enough for you to stay content in relationship with him?

Is he monoamorous? (Prefers to love only one person?)

Or Monoamorous AND monogamous? Does he know?

As I think about it, I believe the accepted unspoken standard has been 'everything but sex' was probably assumed to be okay. And deep emotional relationships are okay too. That's been discussed.

Better to spell it out. Could not assume or have anything "assumed" -- because then it is not a "relationship standard" in the relationship you share. It is an assumption. Maybe he's got some assumptions? Could continue to clear up communication things to be sure you are on the same page.

No, pushing this will not end our marriage. We love each other! He's not a closed person, he's just feeling insecure right now, is my take. And pissed, a little bit as he wants me to just say 'okay, we're monogamous, done' so that he doesn't have to worry. I just won't come off of it because even if we decide not to have other physical relationships, it doesn't change the fact that I am more of a poly-amorous person.

If you love each other, and his need is for "reassure me" ... how do you give it to help alleviate his insecure?

How does he meet your need for conversation and understanding and acceptance of your polyness?

When thinking about his need for reassure... (because to me that is what it sounds like here...) How does this come across?

Well, we've had other men in our bed, he is aware of occasional 'heavy petting' that has gone on with others. We have both worked far apart for extended periods and I have always been (I felt) direct with the idea that another sexual partner (for him) would not destroy my marriage with him. But perhaps I confidently say that knowing he isn't the type to act on his feelings?!

Also, as I nursed and co-slept with babies and I watched him not get the emotional or physical support he needed at home (and be hugely resentful of things I didn't have a ton of control over- as in my body and mind needed recovery time!!) I actively encouraged him to seek that support elsewhere.
As I type that, I see that I"m telling him what's okay for me, but not necessarily asking him what his boundaries are. I need the 'bag' smilie.

He, however, has identified me (correctly) as a risk taker and thrill seeker, with a strong love of being unconventional.

I am only guessing here but if he's not feeling comfortable and feeling upset because he's needing reassure all that stuff would feel like "Aaaahhhhh!" to me. Not really liking any of it but not saying so for fear of "losing you" or something. What you might perceive as "loving him and giving him space to get his needs met that I cannot" he might perceive as "leaving me!" stuff.

You could take more time to ask him about his stuff and where his boundaries are. I know it might be hard if he's not willing to disclose but... could slow it down and be attentive and encouraging. If he's in the place of needing reassure and needing connection with you... could he maybe feeling emotionally abandoned or fearful of that? To where even just talking feels threatening?

Maybe could ask him that?

"Do you feel emotionally abandoned because of these things in the past (list those things up there in quotes)? Are these assumptions of mine just that -- assumptions? Do I meet your needs for reassure? Are there other needs I could meet better?"​

I still get the feeling like improving communication here is the main thing on the plate. I wouldn't skip that and rush on to polyshipping. It's good you are trying to sort things out between you. Keep going!

Galagirl
 
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I am only guessing here but if he's not feeling comfortable and feeling upset because he's needing reassure all that stuff would feel like "Aaaahhhhh!" to me. Not really liking any of it but not saying so for fear of "losing you" or something. What you might perceive as "loving him and giving him space to get his needs met that I cannot" he might perceive as "leaving me!" stuff.
Galagirl

My situation sounds quite similar to elle's, the more I hear about it. Thanks for the piece of advice above, Galagirl. I have also frequently encouraged my husband to look for a girlfriend, but I never thought about that it could be seen this way. I will talk with him and find out if he got the wrong impression.
 
Want an update?!!

I did finally show dh the Wikipedia definition of polyamory. He gets it. Took awhile to get through the 'well just how does this work?!!' questions and so forth.

I think it's hard when you've got one person who is your 'everything' (me) and they tell you 'I'm open to more than one.'

He's funny, though, and also said he's just a little crabby that his work/life doesn't give him more opportunities to meet people he finds interesting. Although he says that still wouldn't do it for him. Which is fine. What works for me doesn't have to work for you, I said.

He/we have made a few great realizations:
1. He has always been loved by me. Always. Even through our rough spots.
2. We both realized that I am half assed at a lot of things but I am good with men, in nurturing them, enjoying them, being good friends. Not sex, but a person you can count on.
3. I care enough to be honest.

Right now he feels a lot of security in that we've decided to work on our relationship right now and work on building trust and honest communication. I can see him having some insecurities (as gala girl said) about losing me because of my poly tendencies and we just need time so we can affirm to each other that that isn't the case.

When his eyes were downcast and he was withdrawn I took him aside and said 'tell me' and he did say 'I'm feeling worried that you are busy thinking of someone else and that I'm not enough.' Which is huge for him to be that candid with his feelings. And because he said something instead of walking away or stuffing feelings down, I was able to help and we had a great day.

We do both know that we don't ever want to be without each other and have also dug deep to talk about things that several years would have sent him screaming from the room. I have gently pointed out that I haven't hid myself, he's just not been able to really talk before.

So there you have it.

We may never have a poly sorta situation come up again, I am generally happy to go along with a mono situation, although I feel adamant that this is my tribe and, for me, I can handle polyamory and see that as a viable lifestyle choice.

No matter what, we certainly see now how marriage can make people 'lazy' about truth, honesty and personal needs. And what makes me laugh is we have a really solid foundation and we STILL struggled so much with those issues.

My husband does say he is open and willing to change/grow, but I can see he will need some time to do that. Right now he does feel some selfish security in having me 'to himself.' And every relationship must be tended to, so if that's what he needs, that's what we do right now.
 
How to bring it up... Help?

What is the best way to bring up polyamory?

Here's a little bit of information on my story.
I was in a relationship that failed for reasons that are now resolved. Since that relationship failure I began seeing someone new. My prior lover is now wanting to come back into my life in that role. My new relationship is very understanding and flexible. I love them both deeply and I don't want to have to choose. As with any story, there's more to this one, but I'm having a hard time putting it into adequate words.
I am very new to this and no one involved has done it before.
Any advice?
 
How to broach polyamory with partner

Hi all, I'll try to keep things concise but I feel so full of turmoil right now that may go to the wayside.

I am 29 years female in a monogamous relationship of around 8 years. When I first met my partner we were friends and I had a number of confusing relationships with other guys, these eventually petered out and my friendship with my partner became 'friends with benefits'. After a few months we decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend but I wanted to keep the relationship open.

He agreed to this but I was never very sure if it was what he wanted to or was just going along with to please me. During this phase I had two very close emotional relationships with other men but never got physical.
He had a friendship with a girl from another city, he went to visit her a few times with friends and slept in her bed. This I was told by one of our friends not my boyfriend. I felt fine about him sleeping in her bed and probably being intimate but did find it a bit hurtful and confusing that he didn't tell me.

Being young at the time and in the early stage of our relationship I figured if he didn't feel able to talk to me then I didn't want to bring up something he didn't feel comfortable about, so we just never talked about that for eight years!

This incident made me think we probably weren't ready for an open relationship, I suggested closing it and my partner readily agreed.

I have always struggled with being monogamous, I always want to develop relationships with other people. Over the years I have had emotional and intimate but not sexual relationships with other men. My partner says he does not get jealous about my friendships because pretty much all my friends are male so it's just something he deals with.

I would love to broach the subject of polyamory with him but am frightened he will really not like the idea and start to worry about the friendships I have and start possibly wanting to curtail my freedom.

For example, I started working at a new place two weeks ago, I work the evening shift from 5 to about 11 and on my second shift I got talking to one of the guys there, we were obviously interested in each other straight away. Last week I stayed out till 1.30 twice with this guy, we go to the beach in one of our cars and smoke hash. This week he came over our house on his day off he walked my dogs watched YouTube etc. tonight we went to the beach again till 1am.

My boyfriend knows I have being doing this and says he doesn't mind as long as he knows what I'm up to.
but I'm so worried that if I bring up the subject of open relationships or that I have these feelings for other people he will either not want to continue our relationship, be really hurt and wander why he's not enough or lose his easy going nature about me and start to become anxious and unhappy.

I really don't want to hurt him but understand that by not being open to him about my true nature is almost robbing him of the choice to have the kind of relationship/lover he wants? It's hard to explain. I also find it worrying on one level that I'm finding it so difficult to bring up the subject, does it mean our relationship is weak? Am I cowardly? Am I selfish and greedy?

This is the first time one of my friendships has made me feel so unhinged, I don't even know if my new friend likes me in the same way. This is making me crazy

Bleaugh, sorry for the ramble guys.
 
Hi Meegle,
Welcome to our forum.

Don't know if "Opening Up" would be helpful; it's a book by Tristan Taormino. Perhaps you and your boyfriend could read it out loud together, and discuss your feelings about the various parts and sections as you go along.

It seems to me that you had an open relationship at one time and while the arrangement kind of fizzled out, it didn't end in disaster. Why do you fear that it will end in disaster now? I mean, you have the advantage that you and your boyfriend both have experience in working an open relationships, and the only unresolved issue seems to be that you were afraid to tell each other about your specific dates and encounters with new people.

It sounds like an open relationship is still going on, if perhaps somewhat unofficially. Your boyfriend isn't freaking out now; would he freak out if it was official? in which case, reading that book together may help you both ease into it. It's a good book.

I can't imagine just hiding/burying your open/poly nature for the rest of your life. All that will accomplish is to make you feel trapped and resentful, him frustrated because he doesn't know why you're upset, and either a break-up or an unhappy life together. Why take a chance of all that happening when it's no worse a risk than just telling him the truth?

I hope the book helps, and that comments/advice from other members will trickle in. Have a look around the site; see what calls to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Update: initially after listing here I told myself that I could never raise the subject with my partner and it was something I'd just have to oppress for ever and continue as things were with me just having my friends but ignoring the desire to be more intimate and never talking properly to my partner.

Unsurprisingly that did not work out very well.
Not talking made me feel really uncomfortable around my partner (elephant in the room situation) which led to me quite childishly staying out after work till between 3 and 5 am then sleeping all day.
This was obviously making my partner feel quite bad but I justified it to myself by asking him if it was ok and taking his strained and false yes for a real one.

After four weeks or so of this it was clear to me that my plan to oppress my thoughts for the next 50 years was probably not a very good one. So I blurted it all out when we were in the bath together Saturday morning.
My timing was monumentally shit because one of our friends was coming around within the hour so we didn't have a lot of time to talk and we both totally misunderstood each other.

My partner says my timing after staying out late every night for so many weeks also did not help very much. He is pretty upset and said he feels like this is only something I want because he must have neglected me or been inadequate on some level (which he hasn't and isn't).

He seems quite cross with me and was crying a lot, last night he said he felt calmer and that he trusts me 100% but still, he went out running at dawn this morning which is not something he normally does so I feel awful that I've made him so agitated.
At the same time he just rang and said he is having a friend over tonight so that I don't have to worry about coming straight home from work to keep him company if I want to linger about town.

The overview is that I do feel a lot better having talked about it, but on another level feel really dreadful that I've caused such emotional turmoil for someone I love so much.
 
I don't think there's any perfect way to tell your partner about poly. Okay, sure, the timing could have been better, but the only thing you'll accomplish by beating yourself up about that is feeling rotten about something that probably won't even matter a year (or even a month or less) from now. The important thing is that you did tell him. Now he can start to digest it, and that will probably be a slow process.

He would have been upset about it no matter when you told him. Early morning jogs would have become part of his way of trying to cope regardless. While I understand that you feel his pain, and by extension, feel guilty for "causing" it, the truth is you were just telling him who you really are, so that he can start to decide whether that's something he can live with. It wouldn't be any better for him to continue to live with a "false you" who only pretended to be happy when you were actually miserable.

I think you guys will need to keep talking about this from time to time.

With regards,
Kevin T.
 
I would also focus a bit less attention to your new found friend while your hubby makes this transition as well. Be a little extra kind and giving, showing appreciation for his understanding. Just because you have a green light with staying out late doesn’t mean you have to do it frequently. Take our hubby out as well. Go out of your way to do so.
 
Article/resources on when you're ready to open up?

Hi all,

I'm in my first poly committed relationship with my boyfriend, A. This is not his first committed relationship, but it's his first polyamorous one. He cares about me a lot, but he seems not to have had much practice or experience communicating about feelings. As such, we're currently working through some problems relating to communication and getting my needs met.

He says he trusts me and respects my wishes, but he doesn't seem to understand why this isn't a good time to bring someone else into our arrangement - specifically our friend J, whom he's mutually interested in and I'm also close to, but who is young and even more inexperienced.

My boyfriend feels frustrated that I don't want him to act on his feelings right now, which I think is in part because he doesn't fully understand my concerns. J does understand and fully supports me, and I would like to find a way of explaining things to my boyfriend so he really gets it instead of just going along out of respect and trust.

I've checked all the usual places and come up with nothing except one-liners about "don't add more people to a broken relationship," which I think is true but a bit more dramatic than the situation we have here.

I would appreciate any resources that discuss inexperience in poly relationships, taking things slow, and when to know you're solid enough to be ready to open up romantically.

Thanks,

E
 
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