Hi,
I have been poly all my life. I find myself in a very uncomfortable and unfamiliar position of being jealous and angry about my wife's new relationship.
I will start with the punchline. She met a guy she likes very much, and has since slept with. She is happy with it and wishes to continue this relationship. In the past I have been happy for her to have outside relationships, but this time I find myself angry, hurt, and wanting to have nothing to do with her. Last night I found myself unable to even sleep in the same room with her I was so hurt and resentful. Ouch, new and not pleasant at all.
What keeps going through my mind is my last 3 attempts to pursue a relationship of my own.
The first one was very special, I found myself very much falling for her. Unfortunately, my wife was very unhappy and made things very difficult. Between that and the inevitable bump or two in any relationship I wound up breaking up with her (or her with me?).
The second relationship was again very, very good. She was happy to be with me and with my wife secondarily, and moved in at one point. My wife then became jealous and controlling and we finally ended up with a very ugly confrontation with the three of us. Deciding (wisely) that the level of trouble exceeded what she was gaining from the relationship, she broke up with my wife completely and asked me to come with her. To be clear, this was definitely instigated by my wife's behaviors, not an attempt to split us. However, since we have kids I decided to stay with my wife.
Recently I met a wonderful young woman with whom I share a bunch of interests. She is also poly, which was a relief since I wouldn't have to "explain" or feel awkward. Three dates and my wife's increasing escalation of jealous actions and I broke it off rather than drag someone else into the murk.
All this time my wife has pursued two other relationships outside of ours which broke up eventually when we moved back to the mainland (we lived in Hawaii). So now, a month after that last breakup, my wife is happily pursuing her relationship and I am no longer happy for her. I deeply resent it, and want nothing more than to sabotage her relationship and make both of them completely miserable. On the other hand, this is by far the most interested she has ever been in an outside relationship, and seems to provide an opportunity for her to "switch places" with me. She is encouraging me to find and/or reignite old relationships now that she has found something she wants.
What do I do with this? I am seriously considering divorcing my wife of 16 years, finding myself for the first time in my life (I am 38) resentful and jealous of my lover is NOT a pleasant place to be. To be clear, I was considering the divorce before she found her new relationship, but as always things are not that simple and there are a great many things I value in our marriage (not to mention we have 4 minor children). If I stay, do I give up on my jealousy? It is very tough to talk to my wife, we are both combat vets with some pretty ugly experiences, we met during counselling for PTSD/rehabilitative therapy (physical). On the one hand it gives us some common ground that very few others could have, but on the other hand it means we are both very controlling in our daily lives.
Thoughts? Questions?
I have been poly all my life. I find myself in a very uncomfortable and unfamiliar position of being jealous and angry about my wife's new relationship.
I will start with the punchline. She met a guy she likes very much, and has since slept with. She is happy with it and wishes to continue this relationship. In the past I have been happy for her to have outside relationships, but this time I find myself angry, hurt, and wanting to have nothing to do with her. Last night I found myself unable to even sleep in the same room with her I was so hurt and resentful. Ouch, new and not pleasant at all.
What keeps going through my mind is my last 3 attempts to pursue a relationship of my own.
The first one was very special, I found myself very much falling for her. Unfortunately, my wife was very unhappy and made things very difficult. Between that and the inevitable bump or two in any relationship I wound up breaking up with her (or her with me?).
The second relationship was again very, very good. She was happy to be with me and with my wife secondarily, and moved in at one point. My wife then became jealous and controlling and we finally ended up with a very ugly confrontation with the three of us. Deciding (wisely) that the level of trouble exceeded what she was gaining from the relationship, she broke up with my wife completely and asked me to come with her. To be clear, this was definitely instigated by my wife's behaviors, not an attempt to split us. However, since we have kids I decided to stay with my wife.
Recently I met a wonderful young woman with whom I share a bunch of interests. She is also poly, which was a relief since I wouldn't have to "explain" or feel awkward. Three dates and my wife's increasing escalation of jealous actions and I broke it off rather than drag someone else into the murk.
All this time my wife has pursued two other relationships outside of ours which broke up eventually when we moved back to the mainland (we lived in Hawaii). So now, a month after that last breakup, my wife is happily pursuing her relationship and I am no longer happy for her. I deeply resent it, and want nothing more than to sabotage her relationship and make both of them completely miserable. On the other hand, this is by far the most interested she has ever been in an outside relationship, and seems to provide an opportunity for her to "switch places" with me. She is encouraging me to find and/or reignite old relationships now that she has found something she wants.
What do I do with this? I am seriously considering divorcing my wife of 16 years, finding myself for the first time in my life (I am 38) resentful and jealous of my lover is NOT a pleasant place to be. To be clear, I was considering the divorce before she found her new relationship, but as always things are not that simple and there are a great many things I value in our marriage (not to mention we have 4 minor children). If I stay, do I give up on my jealousy? It is very tough to talk to my wife, we are both combat vets with some pretty ugly experiences, we met during counselling for PTSD/rehabilitative therapy (physical). On the one hand it gives us some common ground that very few others could have, but on the other hand it means we are both very controlling in our daily lives.
Thoughts? Questions?