If someone's dating or WANTS to date your spouse

Do you want to know before hand?

How would you feel if they came up to you (or emailed you or phoned you) and said "BTW, I really like your spouse -and want to get to know him/her - I think that he/she and I have a great connection"

Or would you prefer to wait until the spouse and new amour are in a more solid 'relationship'?
 
Well if I look at this from my perspective. I had flirted and talked with E our ex for months. We weren't friends but we were obviously sexually charged. Once the time came where it was turning into something a little more, I introduced the two of them. Pengrah had known there was a girl I was flirting with, but as you know I have a few gf's I hang out with and she isn't bothered with flirting. So in my world it would be a pretty mundane piece of my daily pie haha...

If someone came up to me, interested in Pengrah, I would tell them to go to town. Get to know her and if things keep clicking then fine. If they aren't clicking or something else got in the way then that would be that. Pengrah would know when and if to bother telling me if it was getting serious. I haven't had this happen yet since we started potentially dating separately. so I am not 100% sure how I will ever react. I think I have the tools in place to just deal with it. I tend not to get jealous over her.

That, in my limited experience, works for pengrah and I. You kind of need to figure out what works for the two of you :)
 
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I don't think my husband would make the first move so I would be relieved if that happened. Then I could say to my husband "So-and-so likes you. Maybe you should talk to her about it". I would also be flattered that they had the nerve to approach me like that.


Although this is totally theoretical and I have no idea what my gut-reaction would be if it ever happened to me.

Or would you prefer to wait until the spouse and new amour are in a more solid 'relationship'?

I don't understand what you mean by this. Are you saying to wait for the spouse to start a new relationship without telling you? How would that not be "cheating" unless you have an open or DADT relationship? Is that what you mean, or do you mean something else?
 
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I don't understand what you mean by this. Are you saying to wait for the spouse to start a new relationship without telling you? How would that not be "cheating" unless you have an open or DADT relationship? Is that what you mean, or do you mean something else?

More along the lines of there is a friendship... and your spouse realizes he or she has more "romantic" feelings and they are both interested in moving in that direction.

Do you want the person who's interested in your spouse to come up to you and say "hey - I realized that I REALLY like your spouse - and I'd like to ask him out on a date - is that ok with you?"
 
I don't think my husband would make the first move so I would be relieved if that happened. Then I could say to my husband "So-and-so likes you. Maybe you should talk to her about it". I would also be flattered that they had the nerve to approach me like that.


Although this is totally theoretical and I have no idea what my gut-reaction would be if it ever happened to me.

Yeah That!

I am just starting to get used to the idea of poly, but I wouldn't want dh to be investing time and enrgy in a person I couldn't stand or even just got bad vibes from.
 
Same case for me, purely hypothetical. I would be tickled if someone approached me with an interest in my husband! My husband and I have an agreement that he is able to pursue relationships as he feels comfortable. If he wants to have casual sex or date someone else, it's just a matter of communicating our expectations. My only concern remains that he maintains our relationship and that they aren't at the expense of our own. If he feels he has time for a wife, girlfriend, and someone else then I support his decisions.

He holds the same standard for myself, however I don't have the support of my bf for that kind of arrangement. He is mono and struggles with feelings of insecurity regarding any new relationship I might pursue. For the time being, I'm committed to my husband and boyfriend with no other relationships on the horizon.
 
Do you want to know before hand?

How would you feel if they came up to you (or emailed you or phoned you) and said "BTW, I really like your spouse -and want to get to know him/her - I think that he/she and I have a great connection"

When my wife got her first gf, I didn't meet them until things were well underway. And I pretty much just trust my wife to find partners that will work for her....I haven't found anything to worry about so far that would require any kind of 'pre-approval' as such.

So, when my wife's current gf asked me if it was ok to ask my wife out on a date, I was initially surprised...and unsure why she'd be asking me for permission. It kind of struck me as similar to the archaic permission of asking permission from parents to marry their daughter (notwithstanding the fact that I asked her parents for permission to marry her). And since I don't presume to have much control over who my wife dates, I didn't know why I was being asked. Seemed to make more sense to me to ask my wife....since she was the one being pursued.

That being said...and having had some time to get used to the idea...and perhaps to find out a little more about why the gf was asking...checking in as it were...it makes a lot more sense to me now. And while it's still not necessary for me to be asked, I certainly appreciate the courtesy and respect shown by those who would take the extra effort to check in ahead of time. It speaks to their character and lets me know that my wife is going to be in good hands.
 
Yes I definitely want to know. I hold those I love closely to me. They are apart of my everyday life. I would feel very threatened by anyone who has feelings for my husband or anyone I am dating in terms of what they might cause in our relationship. I would assume that they have all good intentions, but at this point the track record around here is not that great :D

I would feel very honoured and respected if they came to me about their attraction. I think it shows good intent on getting to know me better and that would be essential if they were to be involved in my life and my tribes life. their presence would mean that they are involved with me too.

Nerdist's boyfriend came to me when they first got together and I was immediately warmed to him by the gesture of good will... I see it as good manners.
 
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I told my husband about this thread and he said "No one's ever asked that question before?"

No, not that I am aware of since I've been on here. I know it's come up in discussions about people's situations or "rules", but I don't recall there ever being a general "what if this ever happened to you" thread about it. I would have to say that this question applies to any existing partner being approached by any potential partner, regardless of gender(s), as redpepper's example demonstrates.

To me, it wouldn't matter if my husband told me or if the woman came to me, but it would send a really pleasant message to my brain if the woman approached me first. That way, the ice is broken. there's no wondering "what's this new person like" or what-not. In fact, I made a personal decision that I will not pursue anyone who has not met my husband before (at LEAST online, lol). It's just better to get that out of the way right away.
 
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I've had somebody approach me about Curly and I said "You'll have to talk to her about that." I had to wonder if perhaps he thought I'd put in a good word for him or something. I told her he'd asked about her--and that was it. I won't do anything more than pass along the information that somebody asked; I won't encourage or disparage the possibility to either party at that point.

I'll only offer up my thoughts if Curly comes and asks to discuss the potential relationship. So I view it as an unnecessary step in the process if somebody comes to me first to ask about her.
 
I read the question as "how would YOU feel ABOUT the fact that someone asked YOU", not "would you give permission or a recommendation to someone who asked".
 
When my wife got her first gf, I didn't meet them until things were well underway. And I pretty much just trust my wife to find partners that will work for her....I haven't found anything to worry about so far that would require any kind of 'pre-approval' as such.

So, when my wife's current gf asked me if it was ok to ask my wife out on a date, I was initially surprised...and unsure why she'd be asking me for permission. It kind of struck me as similar to the archaic permission of asking permission from parents to marry their daughter (notwithstanding the fact that I asked her parents for permission to marry her). And since I don't presume to have much control over who my wife dates, I didn't know why I was being asked. Seemed to make more sense to me to ask my wife....since she was the one being pursued.

That being said...and having had some time to get used to the idea...and perhaps to find out a little more about why the gf was asking...checking in as it were...it makes a lot more sense to me now. And while it's still not necessary for me to be asked, I certainly appreciate the courtesy and respect shown by those who would take the extra effort to check in ahead of time. It speaks to their character and lets me know that my wife is going to be in good hands.

Imaginary, this is exactly the arrangement my gf and I have. I've dated so many men since she and I met, it would be ridiculous to expect her to meet all of them before I started dating them...

She's met exactly 3 of the 25 or so men I have dated. 2 were met well after my relationships with them were underway. The 3rd she met after I'd only seen the guy once, b/c he was a (hot) plumber and offered to come by and look at her stopped-up sink. He ended up staying for dinner and a DVD, and after that, she left the room and he and I made out on the couch for a while...

Since I meet men on okc, quite a few have also chatted here there, so they "met" in a way, before or after my first date with them.

However, there is one poly couple I am getting involved with. The husband and I like and are attracted to each other a lot. His wife sees he wants a real relationship with me, not just a play partner. She told me she has different rules for his play partners and for ppl he wants a deeper relationship with. For casual partners she said her rule is:

Be safe
Have fun
Don't forget where home is

For deeper relationships, she likes to meet/approve the other person before things progress too far.
 
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When I started dating my current girlfriend, I did not approach her other two primary partners at all about it, nor did I feel the need to. The relationship we formed was between us first. I hang out with them, we all do poly family events together, we're all traveling to France for a week together and I'm sure a lot of the compatibility I have with my girlfriend hinges on my ability to fit with her current network. But ultimately, as equal partners in our relationship, my girlfriend and I are the first priority in terms of how to make our relationship work between us, just as it is with her partners and how they make the relationship work between them. I fully expect and love that when she's balancing her relationship with me, she is taking into account the needs of her other partners in how she prioritizes things, but in terms of who gets to say how I love her, that is nobody's call but the two of us. This is not a problem for her other partners as their relationships are very secure.
 
I read the question as "how would YOU feel ABOUT the fact that someone asked YOU", not "would you give permission or a recommendation to someone who asked".

In my head, when I asked the question it was more about social niceties/ettiquette. As in - which do you prefer - your partners potential partner to say "hello, I'm here and am thinking about dating so and so" or waiting until there IS an established relationship of sorts and then introductions IE: 'hun, this is who I'm dating, they've become important to me and i wanted the important people in my life to meet'

But I've really enjoyed the answers so far - they've been helpful. I'm more in the "I'd like to know we can all be friends (or at least friendly) before you fall in love with her" camp - but in the event that I start dating someone who's IN an established relationship - having the different perspectives helps :)
 
Do you want to know before hand?

How would you feel if they came up to you (or emailed you or phoned you) and said "BTW, I really like your spouse -and want to get to know him/her - I think that he/she and I have a great connection"

I'm interested in the details of my partners' lif/ves, so I'd "want to know" anything that was on their mind. I suppose I'm also somewhat curious about what other people think of anyone I'm involved with, but I wouldn't say that I "want to know" if someone else is interested in my partner, beyond that curiosity.

As for the second question, it'd depend on the context. Is this a friend of mine who would normally share with me when they're interested in someone? I can easily imagine other contexts where I'd think it was a faux pas, or even kind of creepy.
 
I read the question as "how would YOU feel ABOUT the fact that someone asked YOU", not "would you give permission or a recommendation to someone who asked".

There wouldn't be any particular feeling. I'd say I feel it's unnecessary, though that's a belief and not an actual feeling. It'd be like somebody coming up to me and saying "I like drum corps, too!" Cool, we both enjoy drum corps/my wife's company...so what?

I'm not responsible for my wife being the wonderful person she is, so it's not like somebody coming up to me and saying "I really like your art!" In that situation I'd be feeling something, because I am responsible for my art.
 
Well, I was just saying that it would be a good thing as opposed to a bad thing. And of course, I would be happy for my husband, if he liked the person too.
 
WANTS to date my spouse ? no problem

It seems to me that "true love" may appear between ANY PEOPLE.
And if my spouse can be happy with it, it would be a honor for me to offer her your dating.

In my humble opinion, this would facilitate a lot of issues. How many times I saw in the eyes of a maried girl that she would be VERY PLEASED to have me as boyfriend, without disturbances or her family life, without hiddings, fears, etc...

Same on the other side : your spouse has a nice brain etc, I would like to become his boyfriend.

The only thing that matters, is "respect the other one". Stay at your place of boyfriend/girlfriend, and do not break the family.

Remember that boyfriend/girlfriend is a "short term job" and that "family" means that we become old TOGETHER.
 
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