New to polyamory and struggling to swim in the deep end

Amnati

New member
Hello All, sorry I didn't introduce myself right away.

Anyway. My wife and I have just opened up our relationship of seven years. She was contacted by a guy and they hit it off very well and incredibly quickly. They went from first meeting online to meeting face to face in about a week. When they had their first meeting it was supposed to be just for coffee and then she and I could discuss things after that point. Well, first date skipped to fourth date and she spend the night at his house. She has been spending at least one night a week with him ever since. Their first meeting was May 30th, just to give some time perspective. In between then and now, we have finals, family has been visiting, and the apartment has received a massive dose of cleaning. Between all of this she is taking a summer class and working two internships, I am also working on my graduate degree and we have a four year old to manage. Is this once a week over night trip pretty common (he is about an hour away)? I have been feeling fairly neglected, as he gets a chunk of Friday and most of Saturday with my wife, and then all the rest of our time is either work, school, or our son. It may just be envy of the fact that they get spend uninterrupted time together, and the whole new relationship energy. It has been very rough on me and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be jerk and say that they can't have their time together as often as they would like, but I also feel that her boyfriend hasn't attempted to see my side of the situation either. (I've also been getting disappointing results on Okcupid, so my love life has been looking pretty dismal). Sorry for the rambling post, I've just been having a hard time with things for the past month and need some support from the people in the clouds.
 
I went through something a teeny bit similar (although not to the same level) when my partner was laid off and he and his OSO got "fun time" quite a bit. Again, my time with him also had to be shared with work, my kids, etc., and I felt extremely envious of the fact that they could just pop off for a bike ride (and that I'd see it on Facebook).

I needed to talk with my partner and make sure he knew that *I* needed that type of time as well. In fact, we looked at the calendar (we had to) and actually PLANNED that time. Despite the lack of spontaneity, it helped show that he was willing to work with me on this, and he understood that I needed time like that too.

Once he re-entered the land of the employed, it was kind of a non-issue, but we found something workable in the meantime.

Good luck - you seem to have a LOT on your plates. You need the downtime with your wife as well.
 
Another thing you might want to look at is if it is doable for them to spend one or two weekends a month with your son so that you can have some free alone time as well. To rest, do your own stuff, etc.
 
I should bring that up to them, although the problem would be bringing him to his house. If they came up for the weekend I would have no place to go. I was suggesting they could allow down and meet twice a month so I could get my occasional weekend in with my wife, but they thought I was irrational and off my rocker. True they are only spending one day of the weekend together, but I work on Sunday and she works on Friday. It would be nice to have a night where the little guy isn't my wingman. He doesn't help too much for actually finding a date.
 
I should bring that up to them, although the problem would be bringing him to his house. If they came up for the weekend I would have no place to go. I was suggesting they could allow down and meet twice a month so I could get my occasional weekend in with my wife, but they thought I was irrational and off my rocker. True they are only spending one day of the weekend together, but I work on Sunday and she works on Friday. It would be nice to have a night where the little guy isn't my wingman. He doesn't help too much for actually finding a date.

They could always sleep in a hotel (and not kick you out of your own house!) and spend the day at home?
 
It certainly isn't irrational or off your rocker to ask for every other weekend, but on the other hand you can't control their actions, all you can do is ask, and decide your own actions. It sounds like NRE is getting the best of them, but no one is harder to reason with than a person high on NRE.

Any chance of hiring a babysitter to get yourself a break from the kid?
 
Can't imagine. We have an understanding-kids come first and EACH parent has a responsibility to spend a certain amount of quality time with the kids each day/week/month etc.
So neither of us would consider being gone every weekend-as weekends happen to be kids free time as well (usually).
 
I understand this situation. This can be very difficult in my home/apt. as my husband has our son while I am almost 5 hours away at graduate school. I do what I can to give him time.

We visit every other weekend, I find sitters when I can for us to do adult stuff. I set up every summer for him to go visit grandmom for 5 weeks and try to take him for a week at the beginning and two at the end of the summer (he gets to learn lots of nerdy sci-ency lab stuff, but at least he is with me).

This essentially gives him most of the summer to do as he pleases.

Also, when he was dating a girl, I offered to take our son and let them have my place for as many days as they could wiggle in (I live at the beach).

I understand her perspective. NRE is great and a wonderful break. However, you don't get to just not be a mom and leave your spouse stuck with the kid all the time.

She needs to put in the effort to give you adult time with/and without her as well.
 
I'm not stuck with him all the time, she lets me get out to play D&D most weekends. But she has been trying to compare my hobby to her love life, and it really stings. I spend six hours out with the guys, most of it while the little one is asleep, and she spends 24 hours with her boyfriend. Our weekly schedule, since he is out of school had me watching him three days a week while trying to finish my MS and she has him four days a week while working her internships and taking a summer class, so it not easy to begin with, and true she has him most of the time during the week. Sorry to rant and rave, this month has been painful. Not only is the poly stuff new, but true emotions like this are as well. I've always been super steady and never really had strong feelings. I was told in the past that I bottle them up, but after this experience I know that isn't the case. Sorry for ranting internets, and thanks for the responses, I'm new to this poly stuff and didn't know where else to turn.
 
I agree with nycindie. Good poly is about maintaining multiple loving relationships, not neglecting you're responsibilities and obligations while you try and form new ones. I'd show them this thread. Seriously. Sometimes one does need outsiders to say "actually, your partner isn't being unreasonable or controlling, you're the one being a bit of a cunt", especially when one had reached an impasse like this.
 
As busy as you two are with work and school and very young child, I can not imagine having energy for adding a new lover.

Bless.
 
Their response to my requests have all been "Well, we can't really form a relationship that isn't based on sex without seeing each other at least once a week." It really hurt the other day after I mentioned my concerns that he decided to tell my wife that he wants to see her either more than once a week or for longer periods than the day that they have.

He and his fiancee came out to visit on Friday, so i could meet them for the first time, they seemed really nice and all. It was just that after my wife and I spent a ridiculous time cleaning the house for their visit and getting to spend the evening making googly eyes at him in front of me, she got very mopey the next day and decided that she had to go see him. So I guess they are getting their more time together. I was looking forward to having some time together to go blueberry picking or some bullshit "date" that we would have our son along with. Now I have to take my son into the office with for a few hours to boot. Next week may even be a two day weekend for them as I don't have my stupid D&D group meeting. It feels like she is saying, "here hubby, since you don't have your one distraction this week I'm going steal more of your time. Thanks." NRE sucks monkey balls and it is making me reconsider this poly stuff, and it has only been a goddamn month.
 
I think she is being a little selfish. Maybe you could ask her if she could switch 2 of her nights a month to staying Saturday nights and taking your son with her, once you meet than man and he meets your approval. Let her know exactly, word for word, write it down if you have to. A lot of being poly is communication and even if it seems petty or small and they think you are being irrational those feelings matter.

As for being discouraged on OKCupid, it is a fairly common complaint. It took a few weeks for people to talk with my husband too. We seriously got lucky in our situation. Try other dating sites as well. Don't worry, it will get easier.
 
As busy as you two are with work and school and very young child, I can not imagine having energy for adding a new lover.

Bless.

That seems to me to be part of the problem, no energy for our existing relationship. She doesn't see why our relationship dynamic has to change just because she has a new boyfriend and we are both adapting to polyamory. She just has NRE to help smooth everything over.

What really hurt the other day was that after I tried to talk directly with my metamour and his fiancee, they got concerned that I wasn't being reasonable. That they need at least once a week overnight, if not more to really establish a relationship that is not based on sex (although they fuck at least four times per visit, which is way more attention than I get during the rest of the week). Then the next day he texted my wife saying that he would like to meet either for a longer weekend or twice a week, despite (or in spite of) my concerns. Thankfully that was the first red flag she saw. I think part of his problem is that he is unemployed (looking for a job) and his fiancée is studying for her PhD. So he has all the time in the world to obsess about my wife.

Then on Friday they came over for dinner so I could meet them, they seemed like nice people. We played some card games, they googly eyed at each other all night without some much of a glance at me (although he was nice enough to cuddle and give his fiancée attention as well). We spent all week deep cleaning the apartment for this visit. So they left around 1am which left no time for me as my wife had for hours of sleep the night before. (She did mention how wet she had gotten with him being here). So finally, I was hoping to have a Saturday and Sunday together with her, there were some birthday parties to go to and friends to help move, and all she could do was more around because she didn't get to spend "quality time" with him. So she decided that she needed to go spend the rest of the weekend v down there. My choice was to encourage or not encourage. I decided to encourage it (although being very clear about how I was going to be "OK" but an emotional wreck). I decided this because she was going to be mopey the rest of the week and I wouldn't be getting attention anyway, at least this way I have a chance at some attention this week (however, it means I have to bring my son to the lab with me for a couple hours today).

Then to throw one more curve ball at me, I don't have my gaming group meeting up next week, so they want to spend two nights together since I have nothing else better to do. It feels like she is saying, "Hey hubby, since you don't have your meager weekly distraction next week, I'm going to leave you here with the little man even longer so I can keep getting my brains fucked out even longer!"

It has only been a goddamn month, but I'm seriously starting to question being poly. At least when I was seeing someone I brought new energy home (I wasn't emotionally attached, as I stated earlier). So far with this new relationship of hers all i'm feeling is jealousy and pain, with a side dish of be responsible for the kid when you hurt the most, with nothing positive in return. And it has become far too late (since their first date really) to do anything about it.

Sorry if another post of mine pops up that is very similar, I was having issues with the internet.
 
I understand the newness hasn't worn off yet but she needs to realize she is still married and a mother. It is bullshit she is leaving you on your night. Ruin her plans, go out get a drink and maybe you can find conversation if nothing else. You deserve to have equal treatment as her.
 
(although they fuck at least four times per visit, which is way more attention than I get during the rest of the week)... I think part of his problem is that he is unemployed (looking for a job) and his fiancée is studying for her PhD. So he has all the time in the world to obsess about my wife... they googly eyed at each other all night without some much of a glance at me... I'm going to leave you here with the little man even longer so I can keep getting my brains fucked out even longer

You seem like you're trying to be rational but this garbage is not going to help you get there.

While this is kind of advanced stuff (deep end), I recommend getting a handle on this sooner rather than later. You need to separate what it is you want out of your relationship from what they are getting out of their relationship. Meaning: how many times they have sex should optimally not even be a blip on your radar, but if *you* want more sex with her then I suggest you hire a sitter, put on some Al Green, and practice your sensual massage techniques. Whatever it takes... but *their* relationship is *their* issue, you focus on what it is that *you* want and own it.

The hard truth of the thing is that she does not exist to sate your desires, nor does she exist to make sure you feel emotionally valued. This is your job.

Next week may even be a two day weekend for them as I don't have my stupid D&D group meeting. It feels like she is saying, "here hubby, since you don't have your one distraction this week I'm going steal more of your time. Thanks." NRE sucks monkey balls and it is making me reconsider this poly stuff, and it has only been a goddamn month.

"Polyamory" is not what is allowing your time to be dictated for you; that is your being passive. If you don't want your time which was scheduled for whatever to be scrapped because the whatever got cancelled then you need to speak up. Use your words... it's your time and you get to decide what is done with it. But... BUT... this is only an adult step if you are doing it to preserve authority over your own time and NOT because you're trying to deny them another date.

This comes back to what I was saying before, you need to work on being able to determine where you end and everyone else begins. You get authority over everything within the 'you' bubble and need to learn to let everyone else deal with their own area of authority. Your sex drive and emotional state are in the 'you' bubble, for the sake of clarity.
 
Stop comparing

I understand that you are feeling left out, but you have got to stop keeping score (I get six hours, SHE gets 24 hours). It will drive you insane!

Instead, figure out what the problem is. Is it that you don't feel the two of you spend enough time without distractions? Is it that you feel jealous that she found someone....and you haven't? Is it that you feel jealous that she gets time to relax away from kids and chores....and you don;t? Is it that you're worried she'll leave you for the new guy?

If you know what the problem is, it's easier to solve it.
 
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