Vicki's Journey

On the other hand... maybe I should just sit back and let things keep going as they are and not try to analyze it for now? I really don't know. Maybe he genuinely doesn't know how he feels or what he wants yet. I mean, we've only been seeing each other for about two months, and we obviously click very well. That would kind of fit in with what his Domme friend said... maybe he's interested in more but just worried? I really don't know if I should try to pin it down and talk to him about things or just wait and enjoy how things have been going.

This is the kind of thing I don't have experience with anymore. I've been married for so long that I'm used to just talking about everything. Maybe this is the kind of thing that you ruin by forcing it if it's not ready? I really don't know.

Guess I haven't quite squelched my dreams yet...
 
So I wound up having that conversation with E after all. We were cuddled up in bed after he made me a nice dinner (naked, of course) and just relaxing and chatting before we felt less full enough to have sex! It was a natural progression that just happened based on the way we were talking.

It was hard. He told me that he really likes what we have, he enjoys time with me and doesn't see me as a casual thing, but he also doesn't think that what we have is going to go to the kind of relationship where we fall in love. He also says he is not looking to be owned at this time. It was hard to hear, but it was good to know at least. It's easier to be gently disabused I suppose, but it still hurt. I wasn't sure how I was going to react. I told him that I honestly didn't know what I'd want to change about our relationship other than that the loose parameters leave me feeling uncomfortable at times about how to behave (with regards to D/s) and he said he could understand that. And, well, now I know that if I want something it has to be prenegotiated since he is not going to be mine. So no discomfort, just a little sadness.

I was actually surprised by how well I took it at the time. It was a really open and heartfelt discussion and I still felt close to him afterwards even though I was sad. We wound up having awesome sex that evening and cuddling at night. Then the next day, we did some pretty intense kinky play and it was still okay.

I keep reminding myself that what I have with him is pretty much exactly what H wants me to have. E and I are friends who enjoy each other's company, we have great sex, and kinky play without the really messy emotional part. And it's good! I enjoy it. I'm clearly still interested in seeing him and spending time with him. But I feel like something's still missing, so I don't know. I really want a relationship that leads to ownership. And I don't have time for more than one outside "real" relationship, or interest frankly. So I don't want to throw away something I really enjoy just for a possibility. He and I discussed that and he said he understood if I would have less time for him, and I told him I really don't want that either and that I don't think I'll look, but that I am going to be open to it if something finds me.

I tell myself that if nothing else, here is a way for me to gain kinky experience. And I really do like him and enjoy his company, and his pussy licking is bar none. I know I had already had that warning a month ago... but with the way he's been around me lately, I didn't know if things were different. What we have really is intimate and close, and he told me he didn't see us as casual. But obviously, it's not quite what he would want for something more intense.

And fair enough. I just haven't gotten past the regret and sadness that this is all it's going to be yet.
 
I'm still working through the process of being okay with the way things are between me and E. I spent a lot of time in that stage of just being frustrated because he is just what I want, but I am clearly not what he wants. So lots of wasted time just wishing things were different. And of course, the hurt and pain of being rejected.

I still feel wistful, but I'm really trying to appreciate what I do have. And I clearly know that this is pretty awesome, because I still am surprised at how well I managed during our chat. If I'd had to predict, I would have assumed I'd cry and be a mess, and that would have ended our nice evening. Or that things would have been negative somehow. I felt weird when I woke up the next morning but it ended up being okay, and I still enjoyed the time I spent with him.

I'm still really not all that clear on what I am to him, but I do know that he likes spending time with me, and that'll have to do for now. He is coming to visit me this coming weekend, the next weekend he and I are going to a kink party, and the one after that is his birthday and I told him I made plans.

Will there still be awkwardness? Maybe. I don't know how I'll feel when I first see him again, and if my ease and comfort level around him will have changed. I suspect it will, but then again I was wrong once already.

Either way, what I have with him is still pretty fucking awesome. I know a lot of people would be delighted to have an open minded kinky partner, a fantastic lover, and at least some level of friendship and personal intimacy.

I wish he could be the full package... but I am at least open to the possibility of being able to accept and enjoy it for what it is. I don't want to walk away- I really enjoy this relationship. It's a shame that I am time limited, because I'd like to keep him in my life and then perhaps get lucky and find a submissive who wants the same ultimate goals that I do, and then both have the desire for each other to pursue it. But, I can't really do that. I have space in my life both timewise and emotionally for one secondary relationship and that's just about it.

And for now, that's okay. I don't want to give up something that's real, that brings me so much pleasure, for a whim or a possibility. I haven't closed myself off to the possibility of running into someone who wants the same things that I do, but I have it pretty good right now.

There's still that tiny piece of my heart that reminds me it's only been two months and perhaps in the future he would be open to the possibility of being collared... but I am trying very hard to squelch it. That isn't fair to him, and it will only hurt me.
 
I'm trying to continue giving myself reality checks, but sometimes it's hard to keep reality sorted out.

What I have with E is so fucking awesome. Seriously. How could I even be thinking of giving it up? I like hanging out with him. I love sex with him. I love kink with him. I genuinely like him as a person. So why can't I just enjoy that for what it is?

We were together this past weekend and it was absolutely incredible. Mindblowingly amazing. The sex... the kink... his level of attentiveness and service towards me... and just laughing and hanging out. I really felt like my cup runneth over. I couldn't have been much happier this weekend no matter what happened.

It's just so confusing for me at times. The intimacy between us is really intense for me. He'll touch and cuddle with me in nonsexual ways. Or he'll gently kiss my neck during sex. All the little things that just make me feel like this is so much MORE. And yet, I know that he doesn't want our relationship going that way. It's hard for me to describe but it's just so amazing and confusing all at once.

I'm falling in love with him. I know this means I'm leaving myself vulnerable and eventually heading for heartbreak since this isn't what he wants. But I can't control my heart. I just know I need to keep it to myself, despite the fact that I think he already knows.

I'm trying to just stop overthinking it and enjoy what I have, because it's pretty fucking amazing. There isn't much I would change about our relationship even if he did want to be in love with me, so I'm going to try and let go a little bit and just relax and go with the flow. So far, it's just been so good. I don't want to give it up even if he'll never wear my collar.

Maybe one day the pain will outweigh the happiness... but for now, I'm going to go with it until it doesn't fit me anymore. At least I have my eyes open this time.
 
Are his being in love with you and being collared inextricably linked for you? To me they seem like independent questions, and I wonder if they are for him too. What if only one of them was possible - could you accept that?
 
Are his being in love with you and being collared inextricably linked for you? To me they seem like independent questions, and I wonder if they are for him too. What if only one of them was possible - could you accept that?

Yes, I could accept that; they just happen to be two things I very much want. But at this point, it doesn't seem like either is an option with him, given the talk we had.

In my case... I can't see collaring a man that I don't love, or at least have very strong emotional attachment to. It's just the way I'm wired. I find power exchange to be extremely intense and the deeper we go, the more so it is. If he didn't love me but we had a strong dynamic, I think I'd still be okay with a collar, and if he loved me but didn't want to be collared, I would definitely be okay with that.

I know that he's been hurt in the past. His ex wife collared him and she abused him heavily. He's had secondary relationships where he was used and thrown away. I honestly can't blame him for being gun shy about something serious. I also know that he wants more face time from a secondary relationship. His primary partner lives in another state, so while I go home happily to my husband, he goes home alone. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot I can do about that. Neither of us drives, and we're about two hours away from each other by bus. Right now, I am able to give him about 2-3 full weekends a month. We also text daily and stay in touch. It's not really possible for me to give him much more contact than that given that he works full time and I have a small child.

So I can intellectually understand his reasons, and that's assuming there isn't something else about me personally, which is of course a possibility.

Where it gets hard for me is that when we're together, it's absolutely perfect. I honestly couldn't be happier. If we hadn't had that talk, I would swear he felt about me the way I do about him. It's just all the little things... and I feel like the level of physical and emotional intimacy is so intense and loving.

He knew that there was a risk I would walk after we had that talk, and he was prepared to accept that, so he isn't blowing smoke- he genuinely doesn't want things to get that involved, at least at this time. He knows I only have time in my life for one secondary relationship, and if I happened to find someone compatible who wanted the same things that I do, that I wouldn't have much time to see him anymore. So I know that I have to keep myself under control, take a deep breath, and try to just enjoy the now. This may never become what I want it to so badly, and I have to be okay with that. It doesn't stop me from hurting a little, though.

I ask myself if I'm repeating the same thing that I did with L; accepting something that doesn't work for me because I got attached. I really don't think so, because at least this time I have my eyes open to the possibilities, and because when I'm with him, it just feels so right; I'm happy.

I just have to be careful of that damn little voice in the back of my mind that keeps wondering if maybe a few months down the road, he'll see that I'm not like the other women who have hurt him and want something more with me. That's an easy road to heartbreak. I know I need to just focus on now, and enjoying time with him. No commitments, no obligations. But when we're cuddled up together and falling asleep... it's really hard not to want more from him.
 
I spent this past weekend with E, and it was really nice as usual. I'm already feeling a drop, though. It's hard when it's good not to think beyond the moment, but I'm doing my best.

The little stuff is just still so good, though. It really makes me happy. We had gone to bed for the night and the light had been off for about ten minutes. I rolled over to my other side, and then he leaned over and kissed my shoulder before rolling over himself. It just made me smile and feel good.

One day at a time... until either it doesn't work, or the pain hurts more than the happiness. I have to get past the wishing for things to be different. I'm kind of feeling stuck there, though. I just don't want to let go of those dreams.

I am an idiot, aren't I. Yes, that's rhetorical. Sometimes I wonder how I can have such conflicting emotions about all this, because I am so fucking happy when he and I are together, but the sadness always comes back. I want more. I can't have more. Do I need to write it out 500 times by hand before it finally gets through my head?
 
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I visited E this weekend to celebrate his birthday. We had a really lovely date weekend. We didn't really have the chance to do any BDSM play (no privacy) or make a lot of noise in general, but there was lots of talking and cuddling and kissing.

It seems like the drop is hitting me faster and faster, though. I'm wondering if that means that I really am just kidding myself about this relationship meeting my needs. But then I ask myself, what would really be different if he told me he loves me? What need would that fulfill? I certainly have the "feeling" of being loved, because if we hadn't had that conversation I'd think he felt the same way I do. But, he doesn't. How much should that matter? I'm really happy when I'm with him.

I still definitely wish we had a more formal D/s relationship. There's still the little stuff, because when we're together he naturally falls into the more submissive role and defers to me. And that's pretty awesome. Although I love it when he's in a cheeky mood, too.

I pretty much love everything about spending time with him. So why do I have this hollow feeling now?
 
I came home from a day with E to a bit of a disaster. Apparently I screwed up. I knew H had been feeling a bit under the weather, but I didn't realize he was as sick as he was. E was hosting a dinner party Saturday to celebrate his birthday, since most of his friends weren't available last weekend for his actual birthday.

So, poor H was on his own looking after our child, who apparently had one of those days from hell. H was royally stressed out and pissed because he felt like I was putting my "other life" ahead of our family. He admits that he is likely overreacting, but he was very upset today, to the point of asking if I'd stop going to kink parties for the rest of the year.

I had a really hard time with that. I love my husband very much, but I don't want to give up going to these parties. I am a stay at home mom, and I don't have much social contact- this is what gives me my downtime. I explained that to him, and he said he wanted me to show him that he comes first. I told him I would be happy to do my best for that. I won't be going for the next few weeks anyway because we have family stuff every weekend until November.

He admitted that me asking for two weekends a month isn't unreasonable but I can see right now he is hurting. I felt blindsided because I wasn't expecting to come home to a hot mess when I just went to a dinner party. Clearly there's some stuff there that we need to talk about. He says he didn't realize there was something bothering him, but because of his work he hadn't been home for a month and had only been back for 5 days, so we hadn't really had time to reconnect yet.

It's just a giant clusterf*ck. Sigh. My head hurts. At least he's made it clear that he doesn't expect me to go back to being monogamous, because he knows that isn't something I'm willing to do anymore. But right now I'm sad and lonely and hurting and exhausted.
 
So H and I had several very long, open conversations. Apparently he's been seriously depressed about his job and he's been keeping it to himself because he didn't feel able to verbalize it. He's been doing a damn good job of hiding it too because I didn't realize it was as debilitating for him as it is. He finally came completely clean with me and told me he is reacting badly because he feels badly about himself and so he interprets everything in a negative way right now.

My heart aches for him but I know that this situation is beyond what I can do for him other than loving him and supporting him. I'm just glad he could finally tell me what's wrong.

He says that I can continue seeing E and my kink friends because he knows how important it is to me and how much I need it. Which is good, because I don't know what I'd do if he'd try to set a boundary there. We have a small child and I don't want to divorce, but I know I won't be happy in a vanilla monogamous relationship. But fortunately, I don't need to borrow trouble because he respects that.

He is fragile right now though. We're taking things one day at a time and I'm doing the best I can to be there for him.
 
It was another awesome weekend with E. I had been worried that things would change since we hadn't seen each other in so long and communication had been sparse while I was on vacation. I know he wants to see a partner more often than he sees me, and a month is a really long time not to see someone. But it just wasn't doable until now, between vacation and work and family stuff.

He told me that he is no longer seeing D, and while he cares for her very much, he won't consider her as a romantic or sexual partner anymore. Apparently she's kind of falling apart and has pushed everyone away from her- she specifically told him she'll be out of contact for a month. He didn't tell me the details and they're really none of my business, but I had mixed feelings. Part of me was a little jealous of her, because I had wanted him to feel about me the way I imagine he feels/felt about her. Although I wonder if I was projecting something that wasn't there- there's no way to know. I knew she wasn't really interested in having a full on relationship with him again, despite his interest. They hooked up a couple of times but that was it. And honestly, I never really liked her, and it had nothing to do with her relationship to E. I spent some time hanging around her and while she seemed nice enough, she just wasn't the type of person I normally make friends with, and that's okay. I didn't mind spending time around her (although honestly I preferred not to), I just knew it wasn't going to be a friendship. But now that I know things are over between them, I am feeling sad for him. I mean, while I care for him and try to spend as much time with him as I can, I'm a married woman with a family. I can't see him as often as we'd both like. He deserves to have someone local available to be with romantically and sexually, despite the fact that I know I'd have issues with it if he was seeing someone seriously. That's my problem, not his. I wish things were better for him. But yeah- the selfish part of me is a little happy and that makes me sad.

I was a little worried about coming home and H having problems, so I made sure to stay in contact with texts and short phone calls all weekend to let him know I was still there. Happily, he was fine when I got home- told me he had a really nice weekend with our child and he was glad I had a nice weekend, too. We had sex and cuddled and it made me feel so much better.

The time with E was great, too. I had really missed him after not seeing him for so long. I feel like it was really intimate, too. While the sex was fantastic as usual, I know that what I am really craving is that closeness. It made me really happy that we went out on a "regular" date and just enjoyed each other's company, and that we spent a bunch of time just cuddling in bed and talking.

It's interesting, because while I know I shouldn't compare relationships, I keep finding myself thinking about the things E gives me that I never got from L. L and I spent nearly all our time in bed when we were together, just going out to eat and maybe for a drive. We didn't really do social things together because of the distance and because of his DADT. I remember telling him that I wanted more, that I wanted to do more gf/bf type of things and he kept asking me what that meant and I couldn't really explain it. But this is what it was- just two people who like spending time together going out and having fun. This is what I wanted- what made me realize that I'm polyamorous and not just polysexual.

I love E. It was hard this weekend not letting those words slip out, but I've made a conscious decision that's the way it will be. We had that discussion back in August, and I respect that isn't what he wants from our relationship, so I have no expectations in that regard. It's still hard sometimes, because our time together can be so good that it hurts to think that it won't be more. But I remind myself that it is indeed, THAT good, and after five months it's still wonderful being with him. Part of me still has hopes that things will change, but I've made peace with the fact that hope can exist as long as there is no expectation.

Whatever it is, it's pretty fucking awesome. The little moments still stay in my mind and replay themselves. Just the little intimacies... him brushing some hair off my face while we cuddle, or his arm tightening around me while we're lying in bed watching TV. I know he cares about me, so I don't need to be focused on labelling it.

I love him. I love doing kinky things with him. I love having sex with him. I trust him. And I just plain enjoy being around him. For now, that's enough.
 
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It's been interesting seeing how I felt post last weekend with E. I didn't see him this past weekend because he had plans, but I will be seeing him this coming weekend.

I didn't have that big crash after seeing him that time, which surprised me a little. I still had that lingering feeling of sadness and wanting more, but less of the other negative feelings. I've also noticed that I have much less interest in finding someone new, someone who might want the same type of relationship that I do. I tell myself it's because I'm really happy with E, and that I care more about him as a person than potentially finding a new guy who would want to be my sub and my lover.

I don't have time for multiple secondary relationships, so it's not as easy as just leaving myself open to meeting more people. If I started dating someone new, I wouldn't have time for E.

And of course... hope springs eternal. It's still hard for me to accept that he has no feelings of that nature for me since the way I feel when we're together is loved and cared for. Sigh.

This weekend I'm having a party, and it was supposed to be a few of my vanilla friends who know I'm poly, E, and H. H told me a few days ago that right now in his current mental state, that he isn't able to cope with being around E in a social setting for the weekend. All of our friends would be staying here for the weekend so it's not like it's only a few hours.

I'm feeling sad that H is choosing not to attend my party, but I know it's better than him going and having a meltdown because he still feels shaky. He told me that he's fine with me having the relationship with E- just that right now he can't cope with seeing it. I really wish things were different. We talked again last night and I told him that it's hard for me to understand the difference in what he says, that I worry that what he's telling me is that he's NOT okay with my relationship and that's why he can't be there. He says it's not the case, but at least I was able to explain my feelings and why I've been so down lately. I had been really excited and looking forward to having all my favourite people around for my birthday, and I was prepared to negotiate limits with H on his comfort level for my behaviour with E in front of him. But, it's not going to happen for now. At least H is getting better at understanding his emotions. He's not very good with feelings at times and understanding how and why, and expressing them. So, this is a start.
 
I isolated what I think is one of the most important facts about my relationship with E. Thinking back to my relationship with L- he told me that he loved me, but he never made me feel loved. Maybe he did in his own way, but he didn't give me the things I need to truly enjoy the feeling. The words were nice and gave me a thrill... but the actions meant more.

E doesn't say the words. It's likely that he doesn't have those particular feelings. But he does the actions that make me feel loved. Regardless of whether he loves me, or even if we have the same definition of the word "love", he genuinely cares about me and wants me to be as happy as he can make me. And that's a hell of a lot better than an empty ILY. Am I still greedy and want both? Absolutely :) But I'm also going to enjoy the hell out of what I've got.

I had a wonderful weekend with E. H did choose to leave and spend the weekend with his friends instead of attending my party, but we also had a heart to heart afterwards where he told me that he thinks he just needs more time to process things, and maybe next time we have a games weekend (every three or four months) that he might be okay with E being there. He's just feeling tapped out emotionally because of work so he didn't have the energy to try. I really appreciate that he's willing to keep trying because he loves me.

E baked me my favourite cake for my birthday. He really put a lot of time and effort into it, and it was really sweet of him. He told me that his goal for the weekend was to make sure I had as good a time as possible. He succeeded :)
 
Well, just when I felt like I was learning those lovely lessons about myself, I got things sorted in my head just in time to get dumped.

E broke up with me last night. He gave me the usual bullshit, but basically said that he wanted to fall in love and it wasn't happening with me, and while he enjoyed our time together very much and cares for me, he doesn't have the time and money to invest in a long distance relationship that isn't going where he had hoped.

So, yeah. Maybe I'm not cut out for this sort of thing after all. I'd love to go crawl into a little ball, but H is away on a business trip and I'm effectively a single mom for the next 8 days. Also having some extended family stress, so this was a fabulous time for a breakup.

Oh, and did I mention he was a complete dickhead about it? I mean, I know logically that he was totally clueless but he told me he'd made the decision before my birthday but didn't want to spoil it (like knowing that didn't make me feel strung along, not to mention I would have had H home for support), he spent the entire day yesterday with me and my son (first time for him to meet my son, for heaven's sake) and behaved totally normally, and even after my son went to bed for the night we hung out on the couch and watched a TV series we liked. I asked him if there was anything he wanted and he smiled and said "your feet". So he actually rubbed my feet for an hour and a half while we watched TV before he finally told me. Umm... blindsided, anyone? And then he started crying. WTF? So not okay.

Oh, and since he waited so damn long to tell me that there were no more buses back to his city last night which put me in an awful position. I just wanted him to leave so I could be by myself and cry but if I threw him out he had nowhere to go and no transportation. I let him stay in my basement and kept my son upstairs in the morning until he left. When he had the nerve to text me and thank me for the good times and tell me there was still a space in his heart for me as a friend and he hoped to hear from me soon. Yeah, I'll be jumping at that.

I'm just not cut out for dating. I'm not good at protecting my heart.
 
So sorry it turned out this way! :( I would have found the apparent contradiction between his words and actions confusing too. Good luck with getting through the next week or so on your own.
 
Yeah, I think a big part of what I'm feeling is confusion, because it just doesn't make sense that he spent all our time together being so loving and caring towards me, and then for this to come out like a bolt from the blue. But in the end, I suppose it really doesn't matter.

What I guess makes me feel even sadder is that now I feel that I can't attend the parties I had wanted to. They're in his city and I have nowhere to stay there now, and I am not really up to facing him right now. But this was my outlet- my personal life has become really stressful lately, and just winding down and having some sex and cuddles or some BDSM play really helped me out.

I mean, I'm sure I'll find another man. I worried about that when my relationship with L ended, but logically I know there will always be another man. And perhaps I won't have those niggling doubts if I find someone who wants the same things that I do- I knew this relationship was unbalanced and that I was suppressing things that I wanted. But, the endorphin rush was so good, that it was worth it. Perhaps the fizzle would have come for me at some point too, although I probably would have been willing to accept it for much longer because of the great sex. Hell, I would have been willing to drop to merely FWB with him if he'd wanted, but either he didn't think of that or wasn't interested. I have more self respect than to suggest it.

But I digress. My point is, is this all that it is? Since I'm happily married, and I'm not looking for a co-primary situation, is my life going to be one heartbreak after another as relationships end? I don't know if I can handle that. A few months of happiness, and then the pain of loss? I'm not good at protecting my heart; when I'm falling for someone, I leave myself wide open. My husband has always said I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I'm thinking that perhaps what I should take away from this relationship is that it is helping my husband and I communicate better again. I wrote him a really long email that basically described my wants and needs and thoughts, and he really listened to me. I hope now that he understands my needs a little better.

But as for what to do in the future? I have no idea. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I can't even think of this continuing to happen over and over, but I also know I won't be happy remaining monogamous. It seems like a problem with no solution.

In the next post is the email I sent to my husband, if anyone cares. He had asked me why I had to keep having more... why I couldn't just be happy with an open marriage. And he's right. When we first negotiated this, it was purely sex only, and it was supposed to be when he was on the road, not when he was home. Then there was that fucking mess with L where I fell in love and didn't talk to him about it until the situation had already progressed to becoming a problem. Yay me. I was just so selfish that I didn't want to give up something that made me happy, so I tried not to consider his wants and needs because I wanted him to put them aside for me. And you know what? He did.

Then I got into kink, and he was okay with me starting to go away on weekends for parties even if he was home because he wanted me to be happy. He keeps giving and giving and I keep wanting more. It's been so hard not knowing myself, what I need and want, because the last thing I want to do is hurt him like this. So I really tried to sit down and tell him everything so that he can make a decision about what he needs.

And once again, he's tried to give me what I want. He thanked me for writing the email and took it to heart. He told me that I could have my weekends, and have a real relationship if that's what I needed to have. Just for the meantime, he didn't want to have to see it. That meant no texting when he was around. If that wouldn't make me happy, then he asked me to close for three months to give him some time to process and to work on our marriage together, and he'll see if it's something he can handle then. He thinks that it might be possible if we're back on good footing again, now that he understands more about where I'm coming from.

It's funny how writing it all out shows me how lucky I've gotten in my marriage. I guess sometimes our perspective gets so biased and skewed that you forget to see things from the other person's side. He deserves better than he has gotten from me.
 
My email to my husband:

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It's funny... I've tried to spend the evening analyzing myself because sometimes introspection is a good thing. I have found that I've learned a lot about myself over the past two years even when it hurts.

I'm a total fucking mess right now, and it's not why you think. I feel like just a few months ago, I had everything I wanted. Well, with the exception of a good relationship with my mother. But nothing's perfect, and I could deal with that.

First, there's [our son]. He's much better and we're having more good days than bad, but he's still just a little lighter on the emotional trigger, a little tougher to console, still showing signs of regression, and just in general not quite himself. I talked to a friend of mine about it and she said it might last months. So he's tapping much more of my energy and I'm happy to give it to him because I know he needs me but it's really rough when I'm tapped out. But he pretty much said it all today. He was angry and told me to go away forever when I forced him to take cough syrup (he's sick again which means maybe no school tomorrow), but then he cried and told me to stay by his bed and cuddle him and never go. He needs me so much right now.

And yeah, I got dumped. Shit happens. I'm more worried about the lack of extended sessions of oral and the lack of someone to go to parties with, to be honest. He was fun to hang out with but I'm sure there are lots of people who are fun to hang out with and do kinky stuff with. It was just great sex and great kink along with someone whose company was enjoyable, and a massive endorphin rush from those activities. Was he a real coward and an asshole the way he dumped me? Absolutely. But now my worry is that I can't go to parties in [city] by myself and right now I don't want to run into him and I don't know if my friends are still my friends since they were his first.

But the big issue is you. You're the glue that holds my life together. When things go wrong, I need you. My first thought is always that I want you to hold me. Now. And the thought that I might lose the thing in my life that truly matters (other than [our son]) is what makes me feel like my world is crumbling around me. It's like I had all my ducks in a row and someone shot them all out of the pond. Hmm. Guess the simile falls apart because having ducks in a row makes them easier to shoot. But you get the idea.

I just simply cannot deal and yet I don't see how we're going to make it work and that crushes me even more. Are there things that I want, that I'm willing to compromise? Absolutely. I have made some along the way, as I know you have. But I've treated you very badly and I want to acknowledge that. It was really selfish of me to try and get you together with E at my party. I wanted it so, so badly, but it wasn't fair to you and I can see how difficult I made it for you. I should have been more respectful of you.

But I think emotional monogamy is going to be a dealbreaker for me, ultimately. I remember back to January when I fucked all those random guys after my breakup with L and it just didn't make me happy. It's fun once in a while to just fuck a new cock without worrying about anything else, but it doesn't meet that need I have for connection along with it. It doesn't need to be love. I just need at least friendship, communication, and enjoyment of company. Throw in kink and I'm a very happy woman.

You don't meet my need for intimacy and physical contact. You just don't want it as often as I do, and it's the primary way that I feel close to someone. I need that touch, that sense of rightness when I'm being held. When you give it to me and there's no expectation of time pressure, it's so good that I could cry. But you have to be honest that you rarely do. I know my need for touch is much, much higher than yours. But I lose my connection when I don't get that, and even if we keep that going, I am just not having my needs met. If you can't give that to me then I need it elsewhere. A casual fuck is not going to hold me the way I need to be held. There has to be something there that's more than sex to meet that. That, and my sex drive is much higher than yours. I would have sex twice a day for multiple hours a session if I could. I know that's not something you want or enjoy. This isn't a need, it's just a want. But I find if I'm not having sex, it's easier to keep not having it, and before I know it I'm starved for physical contact at all. And then my heart starts hurting and I feel distant and that negative feedback loop starts.

Then there's the D/s. It's not all about just flogging someone or whatnot. What really arouses me is the power. I think I commented to you before, would you let someone you only knew casually put you in unbreakable bondage? You admitted that you would not, and it would be stupid to say yes. And having a man on his knees in front of me, knowing that he will take pleasure out of making me happy, whatever that is- it's a rush beyond all rushes. But once again- a man that I do stuff with every once in a while and have no connection to will be simply playing a role- he's not really invested in my happiness. So I don't get that charge that I want so badly. It's why it means so much to me when you do the little things just to make me happy. It's nearly as satisfying to have you fill my water without being asked as it would be to have you do some kinky thing for me. I enjoy the little aspects of power exchange nearly as much as the actual kink activities themselves. Or rather, I enjoy the way the kinky activities foster that power exchange, if it makes sense. It's why it gets me so hot in a certain way to fuck you up the ass- I claim you as mine. I take what I want. And then afterwards there's almost a blanket of intimacy between us- I'm sure you know what I mean. I feel so close to you when we do things like that. But it's also not something I WANT to do unless things are good between us, because I know it won't be any more than fucking. It's the connection that matters to me the most. Am I being clearer about my thoughts? It's really hard to write all this to you.

The last thing I ever wanted to do is hurt you. I love you more than anything, and I want to be your wife. I feel like I'm not myself if I'm not with you, and not in a codependent way. It's more than I feel more myself because I'm with you. It's like I feel like I can take these leaps and explore myself and learn more about who I am and the way I think because I have a man who loves me and accepts me no matter what. I'm sorry that I've treated you poorly and that I didn't give you what you needed to make you happy. Sometimes I have trouble seeing your side of things because I suppose I've become immersed enough that what I do is normal, and so I forget that this is something that is way out there to you.

Where I feel that I am now though, is that I will wind up being tempted to cheat on you emotionally and just trying to hide it. I can promise you to try and restrict my activities to what you want, but I don't know that I'll be able to keep that, and I don't want to lie to you. One thing that I have loved about having this style of marriage is that I can be open and honest with you and I felt like it brought us closer together. If I start lying to you now just to make my life more convenient, we might as well just call it quits. It's one reason I really hate the Don't Ask Don't Tell that you want, because I feel like it puts walls between us. That's what spurred my disrespectful behaviour towards your need to be away from it, because I was frustrated at the idea that I had things in my life I couldn't tell you. That doesn't excuse me pushing you out of your comfort zone though.

My mind can't even comprehend a life without you. Certainly, I don't want [our son] deprived of his father. You are an amazing father and I want us to be a family. But I also don't want to make you miserable and I don't want to make me miserable. So I don't know what to do. All I can do is pour out my heart and tell you what I've been thinking about. I don't know where this leaves us.

Believe me, if I could give up my need and not have it anymore to keep you happy, I would. But it's not a want. I can trace it back through all the ways we've connected through our entire relationship. Remember how I'd always want you in the bed for cuddles and you'd always be trying to escape? It was my way of feeling close to you, secure, and it made me happy. I know you never liked that- you're not as much for touch as I am. I need it to be happy, though. I don't mind having the general need met elsewhere as long as I still have some intimate touch (not necessarily sex) with you. It's when I don't get any with you that it becomes a real problem whether I'm getting it elsewhere or not.

So please don't think this is me being selfish and just trying to take... that's the last thing I'd ever want. Is there any way that we can make this work? I just wish I knew some way to show you how much I love you and what you mean to me. I want to cut through all the crap that we do to each other and go back to having our healthy, open, and honest relationship. We're both tapped out and then it's so hard for us to relate to each other in the way we both need. We're both very different in ways of internalizing and externalizing the way we relate to one another that it takes that extra work to do it... and when we're both drained it can be tough for us to go the extra mile and do what needs to be done.

Let me know when you're ready to talk.

********************************************************
 
So my husband and I temporarily closed our marriage for the past three months so that we could work on our own connection and deal with our issues. Straightforward since I wasn't seeing anyone anyway.

We did a lot of talking and I am really proud of him for taking the time to explore why he was unhappy and not just write it off as a hard limit. We did some really open and honest discussion of thoughts and feelings, and while it was painful, I think now we might finally be able to heal.

He told me that he starts to have an issue with my relationships when HE feels like the secondary one. That when I get so excited about my new partner and spend all my time texting and planning to see them and invest less energy at home, he gets unhappy. I can't really blame him for that. I didn't realize I was doing it, but I can see myself in the throes of NRE and say it's likely I'm guilty of it.

He knew I was really miserable over not being able to have a D/s relationship these past few months. I still went out to BDSM parties, but while play is fun, what I was really craving was the intense mental connection of Dominating a partner. I tried to keep my feelings to myself because we had made an agreement, but he's right that I was unhappy at basically having to keep part of myself locked away with no means to express it.

He had offered during that time, that it was okay for me to have a D/s relationship with a woman, or to have sex with either gender, but he was uncomfortable with the idea of me having a D/s relationship with a man. To me, D/s is very intense, and it is emotional and sexual. I asked him, if everything else was the same, to please think about why the gender of my partner mattered. That's when he did his thinking and realized he just needs to feel first in our life, which is fine with me and I'll do my best to make him feel that way. We also set out specific boundaries about family time which I think will help a lot.

But I feel better. I was worried that our marriage was ultimately going to end because I had all these fears that he really isn't happy with me as myself, that he wishes he had a vanilla monogamous wife. I was worried to put all my effort back into improving things between us and then realizing that we'll be fundamentally incompatible if I can't explore my interests in BDSM and D/s, which I don't think I can give up and still be happy. We love each other, we're fantastic partners and parents, but it's been tough getting back to that place where we feel happy with each other again. I think I can feel the clouds receding, though.

He's told me to go ahead, when I'm ready, to pursue a relationship that will make me happy. I'm still a little anxious and wondering what will happen when I meet someone, if things will be okay at home or if we'll go back to this mess. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that yet. But at least knowing I can helps me feel better.
 
Vicki much has appeared to have transpired with yourself and hubby. Some good and some stressful. It sounds that deep down you both still care and love each other deeply. Some of your interests and needs have changed. Hopefully with you being to explore for a relationship that you desire also helps close any gaps for each of you.

Finding that right person that fills your needs and is accepted by each of you can be a challenge. Hubby appears from you last post is acknowledging that you need to find what completes that other side of you.
 
It's kind of funny... I had just decided to take things easy and not really look for anyone. I mean, we literally just agreed and set some boundaries that made H comfortable.

It seems like single guys just don't show up at munches and play parties, and I will no longer date vanilla. So I was just enjoying being friends with people, getting in some casual play, and feeling like something was missing.

Then I met J at a party. Things are still new between us, but I felt that connection. He's certainly making a significant effort to show me how interested he is. He's a smoker, but has never smoked around me (and we've been together 7-8 hours at a time). He has also walked an hour each way in -20 weather to see me. It's really nice to feel appreciated and wanted like that!

So I don't know... I want to take things slowly, though. Both for my own sake, and for that of my marriage. The NRE is already starting to hit because we've spent so much time together the past two weeks, and lots of it was cuddling time. Oxytocin will do that, I'm well aware.

The D/s energy between us is intoxicating. This is what I've been missing for so long. He's right that I've been unhappy being unable to express this aspect of my personality, and I just feel so much... lighter. Happier. It's not that I'm not happy with H as my husband. I just need an outlet for my Dominance, too. And I value intimate connection so highly. I'm just happier in more than one relationship. I connect deeply with friends too. This is just who I am.

One day at a time... I don't want to get back on the roller coaster.
 
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