Thread: Musings
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Old 10-23-2014, 10:05 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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So - it has been about 4 years since Art and I started seeing each other once more. It has coincided with 4 very difficult years for me. A significant death in each of 3 of them and then a protracted, painful complaint about medical staff and bills in the last one (this year).

I was single and happy to be so for about 7 years before that.

The adjustment to being a partner during all that has been going on and following a long period of being very happy with my life as it was has been difficult at times - is still difficult at times.

For all that, having Art there makes me life better. He is probably the only person I've met in many years that I would consider having a relationship with. I'm aware that the way I lead my life and many of my beliefs would make me a challenging partner for most people - men in particular. It is something I came to terms with a long time ago and am at ease with. I feel very glad for having reconnected with Art and having found so much in common with him.

His gentle outlook and lack of need to feel in charge really help. I remember talking to him about dogs when we first met and about how it is common for people to feel like they have to be the pack leader in their house. Art thought that I was exaggerating for effect - until I sent him loads of articles on the subject. He has always been gentle and kind with my dogs - something that I find men struggle with. Especially with the larger ones - my experience is that men find it necessary to take control of larger dogs and I could not have somebody in my life who behaved that way.

Recently I cared for a dog belonging to a friend of mine for a few days. This dog has been rescued from a difficult situation. He carries some baggage from those days and in particular gets stressed out about people and dogs moving around. He is anxious in homes and so wants to take control to make things safer for him. This comes out sometimes as refusing to allow people or dogs to move in or out of rooms - he'll bark, growl, show his teeth. It can appear very threatening and means that he can be difficult for some people to deal with.

My friend reports that men in particular find it hard to deal with this dog, they tend to see his upset as a direct challenge - it has caused her to end a romantic relationship in the past.

My friend and I discussed how Art might cope and I thought he would be fine. He was. When the dog became upset, his instinct was to help, to calm the upset, not to take control of the dog. Art knows nothing about dogs and while he likes them, he isn't particularly into learning about them. His reaction to an irritated dog refusing him access to a room was to attempt to reassure the dog, to convince him that everything was okay. For most men, the instant reaction is to want to show the dog who's boss.

It is that reaction, that lack of wanting to take control that is a big part of why Art and I get on so well together and why he is so good in my life. He's somebody to learn from - he knows so much and also so many people - but he doesn't push or try to take charge. Nor does he want me to take charge. He doesn't feel that anybody should be in charge - an attitude that is rare to find.

I could not tolerate anybody trying to take charge of any part of my life. Nor could I tolerate anybody who needed me to be in charge of any part of their life - I am not a good home maker and have no desire to be so.

I think that's why I am destined to spend much of my life single. People like Art are not, in my experience, very common and if our romantic relationship were to end, I suspect I would be single again for a long time.

IP
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