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Old 12-21-2010, 03:14 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 833

Originally Posted by felid View Post
Hi, i'm new, and having some troubles.

Background info:

Im new to poly, my boyfriend isn't. I've known from the start that he would be with other women, and he usually has had other people during our relationship.

My issue starts:

So, this summer was basically just my boyfriend and i, having no other partners at the time, and we planned on going to a kinky camping event. At the event, boyfriend met a woman, C, who he seemed to be very interested in. That night i had a migraine and went to bed early. He went and ended up having sex with this new woman we had both barely known for 10 hours. i found out about it when he came back to our tent early the next morning. Needless to say i was very upset.

First i blamed her, and fantasized about destroying her in true Frank Miller style, but after venting, and crying, and talking extensively i realized that the real issue was with boyfriend, although i still feel like she shares some of the blame. Eventually, again, i forgave him.

I was releived when that weekend was over, as she lives far away from us. In september, boyfriend surprised me by saying that she was coming to visit. i avoided her like the plague but was civil when i had to be. i also took her out for breakfast to try and get to know her better one on one. We talked about my perspective and both of our feelings. i still don't like her.

Fast forward to now:

So, C has now gotten a new job and is moving to our city. i still very much dislike her and know that boyfriend will want to try and pursue a relationship with her.

I don't want to be around her, but i don't want my relationship with boyfriend to be strained either. We don't live together and both of us work as well as go to school. Recently, without the added person, we've seen each other once or twice a week, and even that is too little for my tastes.

How can i make sure that he doesn't forget all about me when he's overwhelmed by NRE?

I don't want to miss out on anything, but i dont want to be in the same vicinity as C. Am i being unreasonable?

I have been in your shoes. It is NOT fun by any stretch of the imagination.

Disliking your partner's other partner is NOT the end of the world! It makes things a lot more difficult but it's certainly not anything that can't be over come by a LOT of communication, setting of boundaries & learning.

You need (MUST) to communicate to your boyfriend your feelings about her & why you feel that way.

Set some reasonable boundaries for if/when the three of you are in the same space which will give you the security you need yet will give him the ability to be with you both at the same time if the situation arises.

Sit down with with yourself (or wherever, however you think best) and figure out what it is about her that sets you off. Write it down if you need or want to. Remind him of how little time the two of you typically get together. Tell him how you feel about it. Let him know you are NOT ok with even less time together than you already have.

For me that all important boundary was that as long as she wasn't getting MORE physical affection (sex included) I would be OK. As an aside: this had to be put in place because his libido is very low & I needed it to feel secure.

It sounds like the two of you don't have many rules/boundaries in place, if any. Maybe the two of you need to set general boundaries first then work on specific ones for her?

Good luck. It's a long road but if handled correctly the rewards could be wonderful!
There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people practicing it!
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