Std testing...asking for accommodations

gorgeouskitten

New member
So this is a straight up sex and std question, could use some input. My boyfriend and I each have a spouse. Me, boyfriend and his spouse have all been tested recently, my spouse has not but the people he has slept with had been and spouse and I use condoms for birth control, also use condoma with boyfriend, boyfriend and his wife are fluid bonded (oral is unprotected with both bf and spouse for me)

So here's the deal, BF's wife has taken a new partner, he is the first 'stranger' (anyone one else our spouses have slept with have been friends we know well, bf and I haven't had others since getting involved) and he has not been tested. She has used condoms for sex and toys, and no oral. I'm uncomfable with new guys status and her being fluid bonded with our shared partner. I want to ask him if she'll be tested a few weeks from first encounter or if she'll ask him to do it now, and that until testing his done he not have more 'risky' unprotected behaviors with her.

Is this reasonable? Or am I took far removed to be asking?
 
Right now the only thing I'm curious about is what behaviors you are finding risky/unprotected. You said they are using condoms for sex and any toy use and that they are not having oral sex.

What of her behaviors with her boyfriend has you fearful that you'll get something from your shared partner with her?
 
Firstly, why does it matter whether he is a stranger or not? Really ask yourself this. Do you think people you know are somehow less risky in terms of STDs? Surely, this issue would be an issue regardless of how well you know the person. It's about the fact that his status is unknown, isn't it? It isn't about the fact he isn't from your clique and therefore might be germy?

It's a bit vague, but from what I can gather, she has used condoms with him for everything except oral. The risk of contracting an STD orally is relatively low. If you are worried about herpes transmission with barrier contraceptive use, then you should also require your husband to be tested for HSV1+2. Or do you think your husband is less likely to have herpes because... he is from your network?

Who you are trying to protect here, primarily, is you, like you should be. I suggest that you look at STDs a little differently. Instead of you aiming to never catch one, aim to have any STD you happen to catch diagnosed as quickly as possible. This means the onus is on you to get tested that little bit more regularly. You can encourage those around you to take a similar stance but you cannot make them. It's best to just worry about you.
 
I suggest that you look at STDs a little differently. Instead of you aiming to never catch one, aim to have any STD you happen to catch diagnosed as quickly as possible.

I'm just seeking clarification: does this mean that you (London) see catching an STD as somewhat inevitable?
 
I want to ask him if she'll be tested a few weeks from first encounter or if she'll ask him to do it now, and that until testing his done he not have more 'risky' unprotected behaviors with her.

In my world this request would be met with a raised eyebrow. If *you* want to adjust *your* behavior because you see something as being a risk then that is your business. You telling someone else what *they* need to do to help you avoid risk is not appropriate.

You get to live your life and adjust your actions. The moment you start telling other people that they should adjust their actions to suit your preference then you have externalized responsibility for your health (physical and otherwise) as well as risked creating an unhealthy power dynamic.

I am also with Cattiva though, it sounds like your bases are all covered. Where do you see risk?
 
I'm just seeking clarification: does this mean that you (London) see catching an STD as somewhat inevitable?
No, I think it's a risk. Some people might have a higher risk depending on their medical history or sexual practices. Either way, it isn't the end of the world and the best thing would be to ensure that anything you did contract is diagnosed and treated promptly so you don't put yourself at risk of complications from infections or other people at risk of getting it too.

I think that generally, people worry too much about what other people are doing when it comes to STD's, and not enough about how they could minimize their own risk of coming to significant harm from an STD. Personally, I'm fluid bonded with both my partners now. We are meant to use protection outside of this and I'm sure they do; I trust them but shit happens and unfortunately, people lie. I prevent myself getting pregnant, I don't have to trust someone else to - for them, they have to both trust that their partner will protect their physical health and also prevent pregnancy when it comes to fluid bonding. Just because I know we all have multiple partners and that does increase risk, I have an STD test monthly. I also take what precautions I can during unprotected sex to minimise the risk of me contracting HIV if one of them were to contract it between their tests. I have monthly spot checks for HIV and quarterly blood tests. Getting HIV would suck, but it would be much better if I knew ASAP. I have told my partners this but they get tested 3-6 monthly. That's totally up to them.
 
If you are uncomfortable and want to know something in your polynetwork, just ASK. It doesn't mean you will get any reply. But you sure won't get reply if you are silent. People are not mind readers.

As to your sex practices/habits and comfort level -- that's all on you. You could ask if she's willing/he's willing to not have more 'risky' unprotected behaviors together until his testing clears. They might be willing. They might NOT be willing to grant your request.

But YOU could also take responsibility for your own sex practices and tell your people you are sticking to "barrier" sex (condoms, gloves, whatever you use) until his labs clear.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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You have the right to ask for anything you want in a relationship. Are people required to give you everything you ask? Of course not.

Is what your contemplating asking for unreasonable? Some would say yes others no. For me, your described situation wouldn't bother me. But I'm not you. You have to do what makes you feel safe and comfortable.

My wife can't stand to touch or be touched on her (or by) feet because of "cooties". I don't think the same way. Is she being unreasonable asking me not to touch her feet? Perhaps, but I'm willing to accommodate. It's all part of being in a relationship.
 
My wife can't stand to touch or be touched on her (or by) feet because of "cooties". I don't think the same way. Is she being unreasonable asking me not to touch her feet? Perhaps, but I'm willing to accommodate. It's all part of being in a relationship.

It would be unreasonable, however, for her to require you not to touch or be touched by other people's feet because of her fear of something imagined.
 
My wife can't stand to touch or be touched on her (or by) feet because of "cooties". I don't think the same way. Is she being unreasonable asking me not to touch her feet? Perhaps, but I'm willing to accommodate. It's all part of being in a relationship.

The answer to this question is no. Unequivocally, no. It is in no way unreasonable for someone to tell (not ask) me what she is not into and tell (not ask) me to not do it to her.

This is a good example of her taking responsibility for her desires and limitations. If she were to tell you not to touch *other* peoples feet because it makes her uneasy, that would be closer to what the OP is suggesting which is what would get a raised eyebrow from me.
 
The only person you can control is yourself. If you are uncomfortable you can protect yourself. Its your partners job to do the same.

You can while protecting yourself have that conversation with your metamour but that depends on your relationship with them

We have a general rule. We protect ourselves and go from there. If everyone involved respects everyone else it'd a domino effect. If there is no respect.. Then we as a group aren't likely to be involved anyways
 
Always have the conversation about any topic you feel is important.

But no, its not really beneficial to tell someone else how to alter their behavior. It is MUCH more beneficial to let them know respectfully that you are altering your own behavior to meet the safety needs you feel need adressed for your well being.
 
Well since std treatments would cost money from our family I feel I have a right to say to N that I don't want him doing as anything rinky. He's only "fluid bonded" with J and me. I don't care who she sleeps with but the agreement is if she chooses to fluid bond with someone else then she and N will go back to condoms. I will never fluid bond with anyone else.
 
So to clarify...I was implying I didn't want my bf having unprotected anal with her until this other guy was tested...but as some have said, I suppose I can't ask him to alter his behavior. Others have asked where I see risk...I suppose I don't trust this new relationship and bf is fluid bonded with her...I know she's using condoms with him and me with bf...so I may be being irrational, but it was always a standard before that new partners be tested. I guess I could give him no oral while that guy is untested and try to feel safe in condoms
 
I was implying I didn't want my bf having unprotected anal with her until this other guy was tested

Sorry, hasn't she been tested? He is sleeping with her, not him, so surely the fact that she has recent negative results should alleviate your concern?

I suppose I don't trust this new relationship and bf is fluid bonded with her.

You don't have to trust her new relationship, it has nothing to do with you, you are her metamour. If a metamour dating outside your network spooks you so much, how will it be if one of your partners did?

I guess I could give him no oral while that guy is untested and try to feel safe in condoms

But the person he is sleeping with has negative test results, right? Remember, your husband is untested and could have an std that you are attempting to protect yourself from here. I understand that your husband's partner(s) have negative test results, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have something like herpes that they have not contracted thus far. I assume that this is your concern with this guy: he could have something dormant that your boyfriend's wife hasn't contracted so far. I agree that this does present a small risk, but objectively, it is true of your husband too.
 
She was tested before this guy, he's brand new, so yes thus guy is the concern. I don't consider my spouse a risk because we have to use condoms for birth control, and the only people he has slept with are clean
 
Sorry I should also clarify, he had been with no one else since the last time being tested, then only slept with each of them once (my husband). Maybe this all sounds like I'm being ridiculous I'm just really uncomfortable she is sleeping worth someone who is untested
 
so if she got a test now and it was negative, would it alleviate your concerns? Because then, everyone your boyfriend sleeps with would be "clean" right? You are perfectly happy to assume your husband is clean based on the test results of other people so her having a "clean" test, the person that your partner is actually sleeping with, should be more than adequate for you. It should be more reassuring than the negative result of someone that neither you or your partner are sleeping with.

You're also ignoring this: there is a theoretical risk that although your metamour tests negative, her new partner (who is untested) could have something like herpes and just hasn't given it to her yet. This is also true for your untested husband who could have something like herpes and still, at this time, have partners who haven't contracted it yet, especially since he uses condoms with you and the other people he is having sex with. But so does your boyfriend, right? He is only fluid bonded with her, not you, so if his wife did get an std that he contracted, you still have the protection of condoms. You have oral sex with your husband, I assume, without condoms and you have no idea if he has an std - you just assume he doesn't because nobody he sleeps with has caught one. So you are assessing the risk differently seemingly because one person is your husband, and the others are our boyfriend and his girlfriend. I'm not on about this so much because I think herpes is such a huge risk or a terrible thing to have. It is just painfully obvious to me that you have different rules for different people that are based on things other than science and logic and you have a real issue dealing with your partners and metamours dating people who aren't known to you.

In my opinion, if this wasn't about the way you prioritise and privilege relationships, you would be perfectly happy to continue as you have been if either your boyfriend and/or his wife produce negative test results. There is no logical reason for you needing any test results from this man, especially when you don't need them from your husband.
 
I'd be perfectly happy with a negative from her, my boyfriends wife, but she just started sleeping with this guy. I have asked my husband to get tested, he just hasn't yet. Yes I'm fine with my partner or his partner getting an additional testing done without asking this guy, I do agree he is far removed from me.

I don't think my feeling is out of the ordinary because a previous partner of my metamour was concerned when I myself wasn't tested yet, but my BF HAD been since he started sleeping with me (then I went and got tested)
 
You feel however it is you feel. If you feel uncomfortable, you feel uncomfortable. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually -- in all layers or only some, you feel uncomfortable. And that's ok and hardly unusual.

I think you could be making this be a bigger deal than it has to be on the asking front though.

You want to ask them things -- BF, wife, the OSO. So ASK. That doesn't mean they will grant your requests JUST because you ask. But they might be willing to work something out. You won't find that out unless you ask if they could be willing. (They control their own behavior. Maybe they are NOT willing, but you can't know that either until you ask.)

For yourself? You can control your own behavior. Have anyone who has sex with YOU to slap a condom on until test results are back in. Or don't have sex with them until the results come back in.

Galagirl
 
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