Having the strength to do what’s right

MonoVCPHG

New member
I often wonder if people in general have the strength to do what is right despite the initial pain it will cause.

I was lying in bed beside Redpepper this morning, struggling with the idea that I am holding her back from other relationships with men. We have a good friend who she met at the same time as me. I sidetracked the development of their relationship, not intentionally, but through the evolution of our own. She loves him and has recently been quite honest that if it weren’t for me, they probably would be sexual.

He is lovingly referred to as her non-sexual boyfriend. They have dates once a month for movies or drinks. He is also part of a family that we all go camping with and we enjoy each other’s company. If there were anyone in her life that I felt would treat her with the respect and true feeling that she deserves and requires, it is he. If I could pick someone to actually replace my love in her life, it would again be him. But that is not the issue. I do not worry about being replaced, as is the fear of some, because Redpepper’s love is unwavering and seemingly timeless for those she has invested in. That is not the issue.

The issue is I have no control over what happens to my energy and connection. Before anyone says, “sure you do,” well, my response to that is that it would be equal to having total control over whom you love. (If that were the case, why are so many people here in pain over the love their partners have for others?) We all know, especially in the world of poly, that it doesn’t work that way. Some things just happen. If I experience something that threatens my connection with Redpepper, I feel my energy withdrawal in a negative manner. It pools and becomes focussed for destructive purposes. I have talked about this in other threads, the eyes sinking, my face hurting, etc., etc. In these moments I just want to end it all, walk away and be done with it. We have worked through these moments before. But this is not what I felt this morning as she was sleeping next to me.

There is something different that happens to my connection when I am confronted with something that conflicts with my healthy expression of love for her, such as this recent knowledge of her interest in our friend. Instead of all my energy withdrawing and pooling, I feel it dissipating; not all of it, the connection is still there, but the portion that desires to express it sexually or intimately just goes away. In its wake is the healthy friendship expression of that connection. It is a painless phasing in and out between two forms of expression. My connection remains, but the medium of expression simply shifts.

I felt this, this morning. I was thinking about her holding back on the sexual side of her relationship with our friend and I felt my intimate connection dissolve in the air around us. She woke up in an amorous mood but I made excuses and tried to avoid sex. Eventually, I told her what I was thinking and the pain it causes me to think I am motivating her to deny the life she has worked so hard to achieve, one of open loving towards people of any gender… one that I cannot be a part of, at least as I am now. I tell her all the time that I can change how I express my love for her, to enable her freedom, and in doing that can still be a healthy part of her family.

I do not fight for love and certainly not for the chance to have sex. Never have, never will. If I have to fight for love I don’t believe it is really mine. Sex for the sake of physical release isn’t important to me. I will work to maintain a connection, but I won’t make myself unhealthy in the process. I’ve been unhealthy in the past due to connection issues and it led to disaster. I would step aside in a heartbeat, if she asked me to. I would prefer she ask me to do that, rather than accept another man into our lives sexually. That’s just being honest and is not meant to sound cruel or uncaring or be a cop out. My health as an individual is the only thing I put above her needs. Everything and everyone else comes secondary, as she is the one person who has stood by me and offered me love when everyone else turned their backs on me.

So after we talked, and I was again trusting that I was worth it for her, for now, my intimate connection returned and we “communicated” sexually and very intimately.

One of the things that I have to look out for is making any decisions based on what I think she and her husband really want/need to be healthy. My presence affects more than her. It affects what they, as a couple, can experience, as well. There are times where I run through speeches where I sit them down and tell them I have to change the expression of my love, to become family and best friends as opposed to a lover. Why? Because I project the belief that it is what they truly need to live the way they find fulfilling. It is not what any of us want right now, but the thoughts linger for me. The recent knowledge of how deeply she cares for our friend has brought these thoughts to the forefront, made me reflect on many things, and so we get to deal with them and ensure that I trust in their words. Left to my own devices and perceptions, I probably would not be here now. I wouldn’t be on this forum, or a social presence in our community. I would be their dear friend and an uncle figure to their son.

Why did I pick the title for this thread? Because I trust that Redpepper and Polynerdist will have the strength to tell me what they need to be happy, no matter what the impact. I also need to trust in what they say and do what is right, based on that and not my wandering thoughts.

We all need strength and will feel pain in life. I’ve brought a world of pain to myself and people I loved dearly, in my past. But we get through it. Be strong and be true to yourselves. That is all I want.

Peace and Love
Mono
 
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the connection is still there but the portion that desires to express it sexually or intimately just goes away. In its wake is the healthy friendship expression of that connection. It is a painless phasing in and out between two forms of expression. My connection remains but the medium of expression simply shifts.

Thanks for sharing Mono! I have experienced this "phasing in and out between two forms of expression". It reminds me that the human psyche is an incredible force which is constantly making subtle (and not so suble) adjustments whether we realize it or not. These adjustments assist us in navigating our way through relationships and life in general.
 
I think it's important to realize that when you look at your partner and wonder why they are holding you back, sometimes it's not because they don't want to lose you....it's because they don't want you to lose them.
 
I seem to have bumped into this. I didn't know it was here.

I want you to remember, my love, that I don't feel in any way that I am "missing out," other than wondering what it would be like to have an intimate friendship with him. When I think about the situation and the changes it would bring, if our friend were closer to me, I don't feel it would add to what we already have, at least, what I already have with him. I am positive that it would add something for him. But if I began a sexual relationship with him, because he would benefit, then I would be going back to what I used to do in the past... have sex just because someone asked me to.

You are right, he is loving and caring towards me and our family. If we began to be sexual, he would certainly be someone who would be everything I require in a partner, but he is everything I require, as is.

The dread I feel when I look into your eyes and feel you shrink from me is unbearable. I would not give up our closeness for my curiosity and to make someone feel fulfilled. I just wouldn't. It isn't worth it. End of story.
 
Who would have thought?

I must admit, I don't like re-visiting this post, but here I am. I feel something a little different this time though, something I didn't expect to feel with any intensity ever again. Loss. Not the loss of anything given to me, but in my ability to give of myself. I'm working through it. There is a tremendous conflict in me. But, as always, I trust in the words of the people I love. Doing what is right is listening to those I trust more than anything.

This is not easy. I don't think it ever will be. Things have changed. We are looking inward, as well as outward. We always support each other.
 
I must admit, I don't like re-visiting this post, but here I am. I feel something a little different this time, though, something I didn't expect to feel with any intensity ever again. Loss. Not the loss of anything given to me, but in my ability to give of myself. I'm working through it. There is a tremendous conflict in me, but as always, I trust in the words of the people I love. Doing what is right is listening to those I trust more than anything.

This is not easy. I don't think it ever will be. Things have changed. We are looking inward as well as outward. We always support each other.
I hope this change isn't permanent, but if so, then that is how it has to be. I am slowed to a stop, my love. Take your time. I am in no rush to figure this out. You and our family are worth much more than anything else in my life, right now. If that changes then so be it. But for now... full stop. :)

I know, I know. I'm a fool. But if you all were to witness what we have, then you would think I was a fool for entirely different reasons. It's worth sucking it up.
 
Love

All manner of love to you, my friends. You are all precious, intelligent and full of heart. Hugs from our house to yours. Message/call anytime.
-R
 
I hope this change isn't permanent. But if so, then that is how it has to be. I am slowed to a stop, my love. Take your time. I am in no rush to figure this out. You and our family are worth much more than anything else in my life, right now. If that changes, then so be it. But for now.... full stop. :)

I know, I know, I'm a fool, but if you all were to witness what we have, then you would think I am a fool for entirely different reasons, its worth sucking it up.

Thank you, Lilo I know the compromises you make and see them in your eyes. I love you.
 
All manner of love to you, my friends. You are all precious, intelligent and full of heart. Hugs from our house to yours. Message/call anytime.
-R

Your support, and that of your family, is very appreciated, Rarechild. :) Thank you.
 
I love you guys. I know it's a rough life to "iron out," all the compromises, figuring out what each person CAN compromise on, without actually compromising themselves. It's not easy. But you have all managed to do such a tremendous job of it, thus far.

I'm so damn far away, but you know I'm here
Loving every one of you, each and every day.

XOXOXOXOOX
 
I know, Mon. Every time a big ol' board swings around to knock me down, I feel you guys there loving me until I can get back on my feet. The feeling is mutual. Wish I were closer.
 
I am sending much love to all of you. I hope you're feeling it, because i am sending it. Love. Peace. Healing.
 
I've been reading a bit lately, trying to figure out everything between Jen and me as far as poly goes. From the few posts I've read today, I can draw a lot of parallels with Mono. Granted, I'm the primary in it all, whereas he is the secondary (tertiary, whatever, hahaha), but a lot of the feelings are the same.

I'm trying to stay positive in all of this, with the most important person in my life asking to open what we have to another. It's not easy to be asked that, even if they are a good friend. I've always loved Jen for everything she is, everything she is not. Never did I know that it would include opening our marriage to another man.

All we can ever do is grow together, as closely as we can. What we have hasn't changed with the inclusion of another, it has grown. All I can do is hang on to the positives, and work around my fears, just as Mono does.

I'll be watching you, Mono! I find some inspiration in your posts, knowing that how I feel is completely normal. It's comforting that my feelings of insecurity, fear, and potential loss aren't odd. While they aren't always there, they creep up and go away, depending on the day.
 
I can draw a lot of parallels with Mono. Granted, I'm the primary in it all, whereas he is the secondary (tertiary, whatever, hahaha), but a lot of the feelings are the same.
The feelings are indeed the same. Just so you know though, Mono is not a secondary to me. He subscribes to that point of view as a way of accepting his position in our relationship dynamic. But to me, it is not like that. I have many loves and they are all equal, in terms of value and position within my heart. The only difference is time I can spend with them and their own position in their own lives. That's it. Mono and I spend the same, if not more time together, than PN and I do, actually. I would not put one person over another any more. To me, that is a way to start out a poly-relationship dynamic, but not a good way to continue. Just saying.
 
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