What if polyamory stops working?

Update again

Another update about my mono/poly marriage.

Things are pretty stable right now, for a change. I haven't had a trip with C since mid-December, but we have one planned for next weekend. Between times we have had two or three short visits when he has passed through town, and we are texting, chatting and phoning very frequently, but I try to be discreet about it. I miss him quite a lot. The frequent contact makes me feel very connected to him, and I revel in having someone who wants to know what I am doing, thinking and feeling. He's ever more madly in love with me. It's painful not being together.

It's also painful not being able to find this kind of closeness with my husband. I recognize that NRE is not something to expect at this stage in our marriage, but I am struggling just to connect. I try to come up with things to say when I'm in his presence, but can't seem to hold his interest, and half the time when he says something in my presence, I can't make sense of it and find out that he was just talking to himself.

He's been waiting patiently for me to come around to wanting sex with him again, but I don't know how to get there. Once in a while I just offer it anyway in hopes it will help the situation, but I can't relax and feel anything. The only satisfaction I get is from knowing I've made him feel good. I have, at many times in my life, been a highly sexual person with an insatiable appetite for it, and in fact all my times with C (when we have the chance) involve lots of sexual adventure and multiple orgasms for me, but I can't seem to access that side of myself with my husband any more. Either I'm afraid he doesn't really approve of my sexual self, or I resent that he doesn't want me having PIV sex with C, or we just don't have a sexual dynamic to our interactions... I don't know what. He is waiting for me to fix the problem by myself, but he also let me know that he's ok if we leave the sex out for as long as it takes. I think that could spell the end of our marriage over time.

What we have now is a friendly marriage, in which he works very hard for me, treats me with kindness and devotion, and wants to do what he can to make things work. As roommates we do quite well. The rest of the word sees us as a very happy couple. Honestly I think my husband is pretty content. For me, there is an enormous loneliness to it. The marriage counselor has urged me not to take it personally that my husband is not the kind of person who feels compelled to talk about his thoughts or share about his day, but without that I don't feel close to him.

This is where we are now. I guess it could go on like this indefinitely, but I wish there was more. More connection with my husband, and more time with C.
 
He is waiting for me to fix the problem by myself, but he also let me know that he's ok if we leave the sex out for as long as it takes. I think that could spell the end of our marriage over time.

What we have now is a friendly marriage, in which he works very hard for me, treats me with kindness and devotion, and wants to do what he can to make things work.

Mutually exclusive... .or really super honest? He is willing to do what he can, but what he CAN do... falls short of what is needed?

It's hard to feel desire for someone who is not present. Not just in body but in heart.

It's hard to feel desire for someone who tends to you... but like a thing and not a person. You are a not a car to wash, wax, spend money on to maintain. Caring for your physical needs of house and home matters is not caring for your heart and your emotional needs.

Could he list what he IS willing to do to create emotional closeness?

Galagirl
 
Mutually exclusive... .or really super honest? He is willing to do what he can, but what he CAN do... falls short of what is needed?

It's hard to feel desire for someone who is not present. Not just in body but in heart.

It's hard to feel desire for someone who tends to you... but like a thing and not a person. You are a not a car to wash, wax, spend money on to maintain. Caring for your physical needs of house and home matters is not caring for your heart and your emotional needs.

Could he list what he IS willing to do to create emotional closeness?

Galagirl

It's not as if he doesn't try, but we're just very different kinds of people, and he isn't a very social being. Sometimes he'll come to bed with the intention to talk to me, because he knows I want to be talked to, and then he'll launch into a story about something technological or otherwise outside my realm of knowledge, and when I've tried to respond with the occasional comment or question I discover that he really has no interest in hearing what I think -he's just talking because I've requested it. We both just don't know what to say to each other, I guess. He tries, but he doesn't get it.

One thing I especially enjoy when I am with C is that I can make comments or crack jokes almost even under my breath, and he will respond with a hearty laugh, but my husband says he can't process two things at once so he doesn't respond if I crack a joke while he is driving, or washing the dishes, or just about any of the things we would be doing side by side. I feel that at least half the time when I talk to him, I have to repeat myself because he hasn't processed it the first time, so cracking jokes becomes too tiresome to bother. At the same time, he says he isn't good at coming up with witty things to say, so he stays pretty quiet. He likes it when we watch movies together.

Someone in this forum once asked if he had Asperger's syndrome, and while I doubt he would ever qualify for a diagnosis, he himself has suggested that he tends towards that end of the normal range of the spectrum. He's a total genius in many things, but human emotions are not his forte. He wants to please everyone and avoid drama, so I think for him, a deeply emotional relationship is too risky.
 
It's hard to feel desire for someone who is not present. Not just in body but in heart.

I'm pretty sure GG is referring to your husband (that's how I took it at least), but this statement also applies 100% to you. It doesn't sound like you are being present for him anymore, and I understand there's not a burning motivation to do so for a myriad of reasons, but it's kind of a catch 22 when both of you are having so much trouble connecting.

You are doing everybody a disservice by comparing him against C if your goal is to make your marriage strong. I imagine he was mostly like this when you married him, but you come across, at least in these last couple of posts, as more dissatisfied than you used to. It seems like you are reserving all your fun and happy for C (which makes sense too, you feel he enjoys those aspects of you so find it easier to give) and have one foot out the door. I know deciding to leave a marriage or not isn't an easy decision but I just hope you're not distracting yourself with lots of contact with C in order to avoid really thinking about what is best for everybody - especially because I'm guessing the frequent calls and messages with him highlight on a daily basis just what you want and are not having with your husband. I just want to say if you do have a foot out the door, its probably better to stop the distractions and figure that out sooner than later. If you have interest in maintaining a friendship with your husband - from his reactions in the past, I'll guess the longer he lives with the pain of you being poly while you maintain you want to stay married, the more upset he will be the longer it takes for you to figure out that you don't.

Maybe you are just having a low period, but I just wanted to say what I was taking from the last few months of your posts.
 
I'm pretty sure GG is referring to your husband (that's how I took it at least), but this statement also applies 100% to you. It doesn't sound like you are being present for him anymore...

You are doing everybody a disservice by comparing him against C if your goal is to make your marriage strong.

Point well taken, and I have been asking myself quite often if I'm really being everything I know how to be for him, or giving him everything I long for him to give to me. Part of my struggle all along has been not knowing how. Not knowing what he wants. I've begged and begged for specifics, on what he needs from me in order to feel loved, but even with the therapist assigning it as homework for him to list some things, he hasn't. I try to guess. I've tried watching movies with him (even though I don't really like watching movies), and I've gone out to eat with him (even though I have so many food sensitivities I almost always feel sick for the next 24 hours) because those are things he really likes to do with me. I try to think of things to talk about that might interest him. I've tried sex even though I've had to fake my interest. (I have an honest interest in connecting, so I am only half faking.) I've tried being present for him in every way I can think of.

I know I shouldn't compare him to C, and in general I don't. I'm just frustrated that what comes so easily in one relationship is so perplexingly difficult in the other. It has not always been this way for us. For 4 years he was playful, lighthearted, emotional, warm, and affectionate. Then we hit a period in which his dad died, our first child was born, he was promoted into management, and his mother came to stay for three months, and everything between us shifted drastically. The tenderness and affection were replaced with a kind of hard work ethic that he applied to himself and to me. I know people change, and I've been trying to love who he is and not just who he used to be. I do want us to stay married, and for our marriage to be strong.

In some ways my relationship with C lets me "escape" my frustration and loneliness at home, but it also makes me more aware of what my marriage could be, and what it used to be, and makes me want to work hard to make it the best it can be. It also takes some of the pressure off, so my husband doesn't have to be everything for me. Maybe these are just justifications, but trying to let go of C has never been helpful to my marriage. I tried in July and again in December, and it just made me feel resentful and sad, not present and loving. I don't think C is causing the distance in our marriage.
 
It's lovely to hear from you again but you sound so sad.

I very much hope that you and your husband are able to find a way to connect again. It always seems to me like both of you try very hard to be there for each other, that you care about each other and want to stay married. It must be frustrating for both of you to find you are unable to connect.

I wondered if maybe your relationship with C causes some of the distance from your husband? I think I'd find it very difficult to cope with being the 'room mate' while my partner was having lots of fun and good sex with somebody else. I suspect I'd feel resentful, hurt and angry and that those feelings would result in distance.

I know that ending things with C is no solution because then you feel the anger and resentment.

It makes me so sad that you both want to be together so much and yet being together seems to mean that one or both of you are dissatisfied and/or resentful.

I hope that in time you can regain the closeness that you have lost.

IP
 
I am going to take the opposite stance from the above posters.

My ex husband, also, was unable to feel my love, once we had 3 kids. He did, however, list ways he'd like to be shown love: special packed lunches, more "respect," more sex.

I did all these things. I made him cooked lunches (while being swarmed by our 3 homeschooled kids in the mornings, myself unshowered and coffee-less and unfed while husband had his own leisurely breakfast, coffee, and a private shit, shower and shave). I even got romantic stickers to put on the Tupperware.

It didn't work in making him feel loved.

I gave him more sex. It assuaged his horniness but he wouldn't kiss me or say I love you to me. He wouldnt hold hands when we walked out. He wouldnt cuddle me to watch TV.

It didn't work in making him feel loved.

I respected him by going to counseling with him and by taking a submissive stance, letting him lead the way in household and dating decisions. We dated a lot more, including weekends away from the kids (now teenagers) at cute hotels in interesting settings.

Even our therapist said I was doing all the the right things, showing love, and yet, it didn't work in making him feel loved.

Finally I was so frustrated I started an online emotional affair with a man 1000 miles away. I fell in love with him and he with me. NRE like CRAZY. It felt soooo good after so many years of depression, frustration and tears with my h. I got advice from online girlfriends not to leave my h for this guy, and indeed he was too far away. I left my h for myself! But having this online bf really boosted my self esteem and showed me what I deserved to have from a partner, and it was a hell of a lot more than my h was able to give.
 
I wondered if maybe your relationship with C causes some of the distance from your husband? I think I'd find it very difficult to cope with being the 'room mate' while my partner was having lots of fun and good sex with somebody else. I suspect I'd feel resentful, hurt and angry and that those feelings would result in distance.

While I get what you're saying, we have to remember that her husband started being distant long before C came into the picture.

Whatever's broken in a marriage is broken inside the marriage, not because of something outside.

Even our therapist said I was doing all the the right things, showing love, and yet, it didn't work in making him feel loved.

I slipped into your husband's shoes briefly, though not to that extent, a few months back. My husband works out of town and I was feeling us growing distant due to the lack of time together. I told him I wanted to reconnect. He asked how I wanted to do that, so I came up with a short list of little things he could do to make me feel more connected. Like with your husband, they didn't work.

Love isn't about the things you do. Sure, loving someone will make you more likely to do nice things for them. But doing nice things for someone doesn't mean you love them.

Eventually, I had to admit that part of what was required was for me to change my attitude and perception. I had to acknowledge that he wouldn't be working on the road, putting me through school, if he didn't love me. All of this came to a head during one really tear-filled conversation. We both admitted that we'd been getting spiteful. I'd been threatening that the distance was eventually going to break up our marriage if we couldn't connect. His internal reaction to that was to pull away, so that when this so-called-inevitability happened, it wouldn't rip him apart. I felt him pull away, so I pulled away, and so began a downward spiral.

Fortunately, we caught it in time. That conversation pretty much saved our marriage. We both admitted what we'd been doing and how it unconsciously was damaging our marriage, and we both made a pact to stop being so petty and to give one another the benefit of the doubt.

I'm not going to say it's always perfect now. That would be silly. But things have been so much better since that day. When we have "off" days, we acknowledge them as such. We both make an effort to listen to what the other has to say. In essence, we both re-committed to our marriage, and it's made a huge difference.

Note: the crux is "both." Neither one of us could have fixed it alone. It takes two to tango. We had to work together as a team, and before that we both had to acknowledge our individual roles in the problem.
 
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It's lovely to hear from you again but you sound so sad.

I should probably mention that I've been a little isolated lately with a relapse of a chronic health problem, so I'm not as cheery as I could be.

I wondered if maybe your relationship with C causes some of the distance from your husband? I think I'd find it very difficult to cope with being the 'room mate' while my partner was having lots of fun and good sex with somebody else.

Of course my feelings for C are hard on my husband, but as SchrodingersCat points out, the distance has been a problem for a whole lot longer than I've known C. I try to keep that relationship under the radar for the most part; we get together at most once a month, and of course I never talk to my husband about the "sex" (other than to reassure him once in a while that we are still sticking to the no-PIV-no-oral rule). And in fact the last time I went overnight with C, in December, I pointed out to my husband that between PMS and an injured foot I could barely walk on, it was probably for the good of the family to get me out of the way for a couple of days.

I hope that in time you can regain the closeness that you have lost.
Thanks. I feel like it must be possible.
 
Even our therapist said I was doing all the the right things, showing love, and yet, it didn't work in making him feel loved.

... But having this online bf really boosted my self esteem and showed me what I deserved to have from a partner, and it was a hell of a lot more than my h was able to give.

Magdlyn, I think your situation must have been a lot more painful than mine, and I'm so sorry you went through it (and glad to hear you are in a happier situation now). If your ex wouldn't hold your hand or cuddle, it sounds like he wasn't putting in the necessary effort to make YOU feel loved, so the failure wasn't yours. I think my husband is putting in a lot of effort, but much of it is misdirected because he doesn't understand what I need. We read The Five Love Languages and it was a huge eye opener both of us, but following through has been harder than we expected.

My self esteem has been getting a HUGE boost from C, and also from many people I dance with regularly (at least two act like they have crushes on me), and even walking in to work today, my employees looked delighted to see me and I felt like I must be running my business well. I don't feel like my life in general is lacking in positive attention, connection and affection. I just wish more of it happened at home.
 
Love isn't about the things you do. Sure, loving someone will make you more likely to do nice things for them. But doing nice things for someone doesn't mean you love them..

Yes, this is true! I have also had to admit that sometimes I've tried to do "loving things" just to be able to say, "See? I'm doing this!" At the same time, I think that when I can't find it in myself to feel tenderness and affection, I should at least try to behave in a loving way. Love is a verb, after all -something you do, not just something that happens to you.

In essence, we both re-committed to our marriage, and it's made a huge difference.

Note: the crux is "both." Neither one of us could have fixed it alone. It takes two to tango.

I think maybe he feels like he is trying, but I am not giving it 100% because I still love C. And I feel like I am trying, but he is not giving it 100% because he doesn't think the ways I need to be loved are valid, or possible for him. (He says he can't flirt, etc.) Just because two people are willing doesn't mean they can figure out how to tango. I guess we just need to keep practicing.
 
I think maybe he feels like he is trying, but I am not giving it 100% because I still love C.

And I feel like I am trying, but he is not giving it 100% because he doesn't think the ways I need to be loved are valid, or possible for him. (He says he can't flirt, etc.)

Just because two people are willing doesn't mean they can figure out how to tango. I guess we just need to keep practicing.

Yes. Do keep trying to bridge the emotional distance if your goal at this time is to keep the marriage.

"Thinking" or "feeling" is not "knowing"... Like you KNOW the green is so because you talked and verified that YES. This IS how he feels. Have you talked? and KNOW that is how he currently feels?

Could you ask him why your loving C means he feels like you do not love him? (go into it knowing he may not be able to articulate it well.)

Could you be helping to create the emotional distance by being too "C news broadcasty" in your enthusiasm and alienating him? (Sorry, I cannot think of a better way to express that.)

Sometimes the existing partner is not ready to hear your love for your Other at "full volume." It's natural to want to share it, and it's natural to want to share it with your closest people -- and he's one of them. Disclosing personal things creates emotional intimacy.

But if it comes at "too loud a volume" and pushes his "Ack!" places could it be "feeding" emotional distance between you right now? Like he's not ready to hear it at that level? Could you perhaps could try to "lower the volume" temporarily? See if that improves the emotional distance?

Could share your joys here or with other friends or with C in the meanwhile.


The other part
could be you accepting his personal limitations maybe? I have a friend who is borderline Asperger and he's not always on the money for emotional intelligence and can mess up with people.

If you husband cannot flirt -- could be specific. Like...

"These things are "flirty" to me. Please do them once in a while."​

I listen to shared friends sometimes express frustration with Asperger friend. I listen to Aspserger friend sometimes express frustration with shared friends. I don't seem to have a problem with Asperger friend myself because when we interact it's pretty straight up black and white.

I want something, I say "I want this, like THIS." He can do that. I do not interact with friend expecting him to be able to pick up on all the paraverbal or pick up on emotional moods. So I try hard to not "go into gray spaces" that would frustrate both of us.

He sometimes tells me things in the weirdest ways but I try to overlook the awkward "packaging" of the words and look at the feelings behind the words. Could you try that?

When he talks about boring tech things... I would say your husband is trying, he cares for you. Could kiss him, praise him and tell him thanks for talking to you, you love hearing his voice.

Focus on what you want more of. Talking to you. Worry about WHAT you talk about later. I know it is dull now, but maybe he's a carrot dude and not a stick? My Asperger pal does better with positive reinforcement than negative. Could perhaps try that?

I'm sorry this hard -- but I see you trying. I'm assuming you want to be present in the marriage and I am assuming that the marriage is just in a rough patch, not like "dead man walking." (You are the one actually there to be able to discern that kind of thing.)

So keep going and keep trying to tend to the marriage. Sometimes a harvest takes a while to reap.

Galagirl
 
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Have you talked? and KNOW that is how he currently feels?

Could you ask him why your loving C means he feels like you do not love him? (go into it knowing he may not be able to articulate it well.)
We've talked, lots. We have different definitions of love and loyalty, and of course he has a monogamous mindset, so for me to say I love him and also say I want to have an intimate relationship with another man, seems illogical to him. He feels it is not loyal to share my body with two, whereas I think of loyalty in terms of sticking by my husband through thick and thin, and being honest, and sticking to our agreements.

Could you be helping to create the emotional distance by being too "C news broadcasty" in your enthusiasm and alienating him? (Sorry, I cannot think of a better way to express that.)

Sometimes the existing partner is not ready to hear your love for your Other at "full volume." It's natural to want to share it, and it's natural to want to share it with your closest people -- and he's one of them. Disclosing personal things creates emotional intimacy.

My husband has made it clear that he doesn't want to see C or hear him spoken about, so I pretty much limit it to the minimum info needed for planning. For example, C and I are attending an event this weekend, but when I bring it up with my husband I refer to the event and not to being with C. "I'll be leaving for the camp after the girls leave for school on Friday," etc. I guess I'm not sure how I can "lower the volume" any further. I try to do my packing subtly in the back of the closet. The only time I talk about him at all is in marriage counseling, and even then we tend to talk about the struggle with my polyamory in general and not my specific relationship with C.

I understand that its a painful subject for my husband, but at the same time it does make me sad that I have this big chunk of my life that I don't talk about with him. C feels like he'd like to get to know my husband a little, or at least not be ostracized from our house, simply because they share the common desire to love me and make me happy. When they do cross paths at the occasional dance event, C wants to greet my husband and give him a handshake, but my husband prefers that they stick to opposite sides of the room and avoid eye contact. He feels that C has, by becoming intimate with his wife, committed an unforgivable crime against him (even though C has always been mindful of the agreed upon boundaries). Obviously the whole situation is painful for my husband, but he hasn't wanted to try to discuss or understand the root of his pain, because I think he feels like my interest in going there is to try to convince him that it's based on false assumptions and he should be ok with all this.

When he talks about boring tech things... I would say your husband is trying, he cares for you. Could kiss him, praise him and tell him thanks for talking to you, you love hearing his voice.

Good point. I think I've been getting cross and critical when our conversations become one sided (he talks, but doesn't listen to my responses, or I talk and he doesn't listen at all). More praise is in order.
 
It has not always been this way for us. For 4 years he was playful, lighthearted, emotional, warm, and affectionate. Then we hit a period in which his dad died, our first child was born, he was promoted into management, and his mother came to stay for three months, and everything between us shifted drastically. The tenderness and affection were replaced with a kind of hard work ethic that he applied to himself and to me. I know people change, and I've been trying to love who he is and not just who he used to be. I do want us to stay married, and for our marriage to be strong.
I think this period of your lives together is something that needs examination in your therapy/counseling. What happened when his mother stayed with you? Is she warm to you? Is she very traditional in her culture, as far feeling that Indian women should be subservient to their men? Because I wonder how much judgement she directed at your marriage, about you not measuring up as a suitable wife or anything like that, and if so, how it affected your husband as far as the role you are supposed to fill as his dutiful wife - there isn't a lot of room for a woman to be an individual in Indian marriages, and the parents are also very dominant over their sons and daughters. He could've felt that he disappointed his parents by not marrying an Indian woman, and so tightened up his boundaries and expectations around how everything should be if he is supposed to be seen as a husband who is respected properly. I know I often mention his culture when I post to your threads, and it is just an assumption on my part, as I don't know how steeped in his heritage he actually is - but these sort of things run deep and often play a very unconscious part in how people are in relationships, so forgive me if I am way off base.

Even if it wasn't about being Indian, what was it that changed him so drastically after she stayed with you? There was an event that took place early on in my marriage that took me years to get past, and it hit me hard and strongly affected how I related to and trusted my husband. Then, later on, when my mother passed away, my sense of who I was radically shifted (I was her caregiver and legal guardian), and affected my relationship to my husband in very insidious ways. So, I still think it could be important to discuss that time in your lives in therapy.

I hate hearing how much you have to keep under wraps, even in your counseling sessions. I think he just needs to hear more, no matter how painful it is. He'll get over it. He is cocooning himself from anything that might upset the apple cart, and this is not really satisfying to either of you. You want to save him from the pain of hearing what you want but why martyr yourself? Is protecting him from pain more important than protecting yourself from pain?
 
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Wow, Cindie, I really feel like you're on to something!

His dad died. Maybe C then felt a big shift from being a more carefree, fun-loving playful guy, to being the new patriarch. And now he was himself a new father. Pressure, pressure... time to buckle down. Fun time is over.

I know having kids affected my ex-h in deep (although different) ways. He was the first born and in 4 years after his birth, he suddenly had 2 baby sisters and he was expected to be a big boy now, not need cuddles, or stories before bed, or really much parenting at all. Once we had 2-3 kids he was able to vocalize feeling like "low man on the totem pole," jealous of the attention the little ones got from me. This was on the table in our couples counseling sessions but he never really delved into it.

Anyway, I digress.

We used to sign up for marriage, for better for worse, sickness, health, etc.

But that was when people died young. And also had more social support, unlike our more alienated culture today.

C has changed, and changed a lot. So have you. He's become less playful and open-minded. You've grown into practicing your poly nature. It's like your individual train tracks were parallel and close, and now have diverged.

When relationships have more negative than positive going on, for a good couple years at a time, you've got to wonder, is it really going to work to fit myself into this box he wants me to be in? Packing my suitcase in the back of the closet? Not having oral or PIV with my lover? Barely being able to mention his name in THERAPY SESSIONS?

DADT is tough. It makes you have to hide. Do you want to live hiding, stealthy, lying by omission all the time? When C is still so continually dissatisfied?
 
Just another update. I feel like I post when things are getting rough and I need help and encouragement, which paints a one-sided picture. Things have been sweet lately. My husband has been putting in a lot more effort to be with me, and talk to me, and has even been affectionate. I had a weekend away with C, and came back to a family that was pleasant and casual in greeting me upon my return, no drama. I was full of gratitude. The good stuff just snowballs along.

I requested another night away next month, a week before my birthday, and my husband said, "Ok, if that's how I can make you happy for your birthday." I said, "No, how YOU can make me happy for my birthday is to spend the day with me, have dinner with me, and go dancing with me!" I think he heard that.

C and I have some mutual friends, one of whom approached him recently with "Can I ask a personal question? Oh no, I shouldn't," and then didn't. She had also asked whether he stays with my family when he is in my town, so we think she is suspicious that we are having an affair. I don't mind telling friends about being poly, and have told several, but we both have the concern that people who know us and haven't been told will assume we are sneaking around. We try to be discreet in public, but someone who barely knows either of us asked at a dance if we had done our hair similarly on purpose. "I know you're buddies," he said. Maybe we're not discreet enough? Or maybe he just meant buddies.
 
C and I have some mutual friends, one of whom approached him recently with "Can I ask a personal question? Oh no, I shouldn't," and then didn't. She had also asked whether he stays with my family when he is in my town, so we think she is suspicious that we are having an affair. I don't mind telling friends about being poly, and have told several, but we both have the concern that people who know us and haven't been told will assume we are sneaking around. We try to be discreet in public, but someone who barely knows either of us asked at a dance if we had done our hair similarly on purpose. "I know you're buddies," he said. Maybe we're not discreet enough? Or maybe he just meant buddies.

Wow, I can never let someone open with that and then not actually ask the question. I'll pester relentlessly until they get it over with.

Discretion is challenging. You can try to control your body language and think you're doing a good job, but unless you're a sociopath, you're inevitably going to leave tell-tale signs. It's pretty much impossible to be in a room with someone you love, and not allow the entire room to get a sense of that.

Of course, it's your decision whether to officially tell people. If they've already guessed that "something is up," it might not hurt to clear things up so they don't think of you as a cheater. But given that your husband isn't 100% on board, it might not play out well. In our culture, sadly, cheating is so prevalent that people pretty much just shake their head and mind their own business. Not that that will stop them from gossiping about it to anyone who will listen. Ok, scratch that "mind their own business" bit. Everyone will know you're having an affair, except you. I don't think there's anything you can do about that, so just ignore it and carry on with your life. They're merely acquaintances for a reason; if you really cared about their opinions, they'd be friends.
 
They're merely acquaintances for a reason; if you really cared about their opinions, they'd be friends.

That's true for many people in our shared social circles, but the one who almost asked (I assume... maybe she only wanted to know what toothpaste brand he uses) is a friend, to both of us, and to my family. I wish he had pushed the conversation forward, but he said he wasn't quite sure what to answer. We came up with, "We have a very special connection but we aren't doing anything behind her husband's back." Then we had a laugh at how silly it was to be so vague, when the alternative might be, "At her husband's request, I don't put my penis in her; only my fingers." Whose business is it, anyway? :)
 
I'm glad things are sweet right now for you. :)

If the "onlooker thing" should arise again at least now you guys have a response you are both happy with. But don't fret about it. Just live your life.

GG
 
I'm glad to hear things are going better with your husband. I've worried that he might be deeply resenting you no matter how much you bend over backwards to make him comfortable; I'm glad that's not looking like the way things are.

Like Magdlyn, I'm biased because your husband reminds me so much of my ex. Your story is very touching, but I have struggled to sympathize with your husband. You are incredibly patient with him! (And C is incredibly patient, too).

Glad things are working out right now.
 
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