how to approach spouse over an open marriage

zombiecupcake

New member
Over a year ago I approach my husband about having an open marriage. He hated the idea and said it wasn't right for him and he felt like I didn't want him and he wasn't good enough.

Fast forward to now. We are stronger than ever, but I still long for an open marriage. I love my husband but I long for things he doesn't do (and admits is just not his personality) he's not a talker, he's not very emotionally available... I don't hold these against him and they aren't making me not want to be with him, but I truly want an open marriage. We have closed the chapter on us having anymore children. I'm not looking to find someone to replace him I just want to explore a new chapter in our lives.

I tried bringing it up in a vague way, saying how I had seen a show on it and what he thought. He said he thought each of us was too insecure and jealous. I told him I knew I wasn't, and he dropped the conversation there.

how do I discuss this with him without him looking at it as cheating, or even to a point where he isn't offended for me expressing that this is something I'd like for us to try... I have no idea how to just come out and say it without him feeling hurt like he's not good enough.
 
You did come right out and say it, didn't you? A year ago? And he said he was hurt and felt like he's not good enough. He knows what you're saying now, too, and he still doesn't want it. Believe him. One of the things i can't stand is when people say "my partner said X. How do i know if they meant X or if they meant the opposite of X, or whether they are SURE that X is what they really mean?"


He SAID "X". Let X = X. f(x) = NO

What part of "X" do you not understand?
 
Because it wasn't a complete no, he said how he felt but said I could be open but not tell him about it. We never discussed it much after that because I felt hiding it was more of an affair and only created trust issues. We are in a much different place now, so I feel like it's a topic I should be able to discuss with him but I'm not sure how to approach it again.
 
When my husband and I started our polyamous relationship it was because I fell in live with my partner now. My husband was open enough to try it out because he didn't want to lose me, not that I wanted to leave, and he thought that it would be good to try. The biggest issue we had was that my husband felt like he wasn't enough and I told him its impossible for one person to meet every need that you have. Like with your husband not being a talker n such. My other partner is transgender and I treat her like a female. The things I get from her my husband can't give to me because he is male and because its not him.

The point I am getting at you need to be completely open about this, no beating around the bush. Then you need to explain that you are happy with him and don't want to leave him but you would like someone else that does things he does not. Try to be very logical with it, so that it can be clear. Maybe even ask your husband what things he would like that you don't do. That way you can make it a full circle to show him that there are things he would benefit/enjoy from other partner.

I am unsure how you plan on doing this if it happens, but the way my husband and set it up was that my partner started off as a secondary. My husband was number #1. In reality he still is, but my gf is now a primary like my husband but my husband always comes first.

I hope that helps :)
 
Thank you kitkat for sharing your experience. It's very helpful.

Well, the husband and I were laying in bed and he asked me what was on my mind and to be honest. Since h asked I felt like it was a good opportunity since he seemed like he was being receptive. I told him not to take it personal and it's nothing he does wrong and I love him but I still am interested in an open marriage. This is a topic we've discussed several times (before marriage and after) so it's not a new thing I just thought of. He expressed how he felt saying he hoped it wasn't something he did wrong. It's not at all. He said he's very open to the idea, even the idea of sharing a partner. We agreed we would sit down again and discuss boundaries and what is and isn't ok. He even went as far as being ok with another guy and knowing about it as long as he's respectful and understands the whole situation.

It was an awkward conversation to have but I'm glad we did. I really thought it would go differently and I'm shocked at how open he was with it.
 
That's wonderful! Definitely set boundaries and make sure whom ever you bring into this relationship understands it. My husband dated a friend of ours, how is like my sister. I left it up to him to tell her how this works, as I told my gf. My gf honestly is the one who told me about poly so her and I kinda made the guidelines and went over it with my husband. Either way, my husband wasn't always direct with his gf and it caused a lot issues. So make sure that who ever enters this relationship with you is well informed and kept in the loop.
 
The way it started for us was a conversation about levels of attention. My wife wants much less attention than I do. She'd rather curl up in a book than with me after a certain amount of time. Our libidos are just as skewed.

She knew I needed more than she could give with out stress, and the best way to do that is to let me have relationships. They started out as just online friendships and sex play, but twice it developed into deeper feelings.

I would suggest starting with your needs and go from there. Don't just assume that adding someone in is going to meet them. Do you need someone to return your affection? Do you need more sex? Do you need someone to be romantic? Do you just need someone to talk to intimately?
 
So, my husband came to me after work last night to discuss this situation some more. He said he couldn't get it off his mind at work all day.

We tried to discuss boundaries and what we were comfortable with. It seemed like we would discuss what we were comfortable with and then step back and then be unsure if we really were.

For instance, we both 100% agree'd we were OK sharing a woman. He's not ok sharing a guy, hes not interested in guys, but he didnt feel it was OK to share a woman but then me not to be able to have a relationship with another man... He did hint at a threesome with another man but he wouldnt be intimate with the man, just share me... i dont know. Im ok having a relationship with another man and sharing a woman together, but then im not sure if im ok with him having a relationship with another woman because he says it would only be a situation where it would be a one night stand at a party if he was drunk and he probably would only do it because he knew I was sleeping with another man at times.

Im not looking to be with multiple men, and I explained that to him. I guess Im not sure how to proceed from here. I want meaningful relationships, not as he put it, him having a drunken one night stand with another woman, and as I told him, if that was the case, im not ok with that scenario......

He says he was ok with the thought of sharing a woman together and me having a boyfriend on the side, but he worries he would get spiteful and then do the one thing im not ok with out of spite because he would be drunk and rationalize that since I had this other relationship, then having a one night stand was ok.

I guess what we got out of the conversation was we were ok with sharing a girlfriend, we always come first, if one of us is not ok with the situation at any given time we can say so and it all stops, our family comes first and we both always have a say in the situation because at the end of the day, we are #1. From there, we dont see to agree on the terms of relationships with the other sex individually... Hes ok with me having a relationship with another man, but im not ok with him thinking a drunken one night stand is ok but if he OKs another relationship with another man, I dont want that fear looming over me that hes going to have a one night stand with some woman. We did agree no matter what, we would NOT have relationships with previous girlfriends/boyfriends and not anyone from our very small town.

Im not sure how to proceed now. We agree'd to let it sit and think about it some more and come back together again. Honestly we are probably communicated better then we have as I feel like it has opened a ground were we arent afraid to discuss anything. A year ago my husband would have never told me he liked the idea of having sex with another woman. He would have lied and said "no honey, i love you and only you and could NEVER have sex with someone else". In the past few days, we have been able to say things to each other and honestly, not take it personally. We both know right now we are just opening up the lines of communication about everything which has felt WONDERFUL but we both know we arent acting on any of it because we havent agree'd to give it a go yet, we're still in the ironing out details and discussing out feelings about the whole thing.

Any words of wisdom and advice on how to proceed from here?
 
My one piece of advice: be cautious when it comes to sharing a girlfriend. Triads are complex. There are success stories, but even they will tell you that it was not easy, and they take work and patience. Do a search for the term "triad" and read the various threads to get an idea of some of the issues fellow polyamourists have experienced. It is rare to find a person who will love you both equally. It usually ends up with the shared woman being more into one of the two in the couple she is dating. *Enter jealousy and some other problems*

I am sure others have more to contribute.
 
for us, the most important thing is that we feel solid as a couple before we consider a third. If we're at all wobbly, we work on us and our communication.

we also steer clear of other women as my dh feels he might not be 'safe' with other women. He has a propensity to confuse sex with love and to form attachments rather quickly. We think it's best to just avoid that issue for right now.
 
Well I think what you may need to do now is start the hunt. I would suggest if you are looking for a woman first to share. By sharing you don't have to always have threesomes. If you are bisexual, you could have a relationship with this woman and the three of you casual have threesomes. My gf and my husband do boy have a sexual relationship, they do love and care for each other though. But every once in awhile we have a threesome and its mainly my husband pleasing me and me pleasing my gf.

I would also suggest if that is something you want, sharing a gf, that you as the woman should put yourself out there. Its much harder for a man to attract a woman into all ready stable relationship. I think part of it maybe we as woman wonder if the other woman is really ok with the situation. Also you as a woman will look less threatening.

If you are going to use dating websites, I used okcupid and just thoroughly explained my situation and what I was thinking for and what I needed for the other person. There are poly websites but the volume of people on them us very small compared to other sites. And to be honest I meet several poly people on there that happened to even be local.

I hope they helps :)
 
zombiecupcake,

From where i sit, you are doing very well!

I know that progress may seem slow, but all this talking with your "not-a-talker" husband is impressive, even when he shares things you don't like (like his fear of having a one-night-stand at a party).

By talking about this stuff when it feels ok to bring it up and without heavy pressure, you are demonstrating the exact skills that would help him feel safe if you actually HAD an open relationship. He is watching you try to be honest and kind with him. He is seeing evidence of how you would work to protect your own relationship with him.

that's major progress.

Leelee
 
Well I think what you may need to do now is start the hunt.

Start the hunt? Like predators? That is ridiculous advice. Puh-leeez! They just had their first serious conversation about it. More heartfelt talks are in order before anything else happens. Start the hunt, geez. How gross.
 
Last edited:
Take baby steps

We tried to discuss boundaries and what we were comfortable with. It seemed like we would discuss what we were comfortable with and then step back and then be unsure if we really were.

Congrats on having your first serious discussion where wants, needs, and boundaries are the topic. Way to go! Now, do not think that a handful of conversations about threesomes and "sharing" people is all you need to jettison yourselves into having multiple partners. This is a positive step, but still an unsure, tentative, exploratory step! Some couples can take a year or two, or even longer, to deeply discuss issues and examine all their fears and dreams before ever starting to embark on actually having or pursuing additional partners. There must be a strong foundation first, because polyamory is about a whole lot more than just sex and hooking up.

I would say your next steps are to give yourselves permission to be confused and to not make any decisions yet. Take time with exploring what you want. You both may have opinions and feelings and fantasies that will swing back and forth from one extreme to another. Don't let it get too heavy.

Maintain a positive outlook and keep reassuring hubby of your love and appreciation of him. Find some poly books, such as Opening Up by Tristan Taormino (excellent!) and Polyamory in the 21st Century by Deborah Anapol (I do not recommend The Ethical Slut), and read a chapter together once a week. Read the books, write questions down, research them, come back and talk about your feelings. Both of you may also want to thoughtfully answer the questions in Tristan Taormino's "Self Evaluation" form, which you can find here: http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/.


Finally, please don't follow along a path of thinking of polyamory as "adding" a person to your relationship. Nor should your goal be to "share" someone before you've even met the person - you don't know yet what they would want! If you start off with that mindset, will get you smacked down right quick, because it comes across as treating people like appendages to what you and hubby have. Not that that is what you want, but it can seem that way to others if you approach poly that way. Always keep in mind that anyone else that either of you get involved with will be a person in their own right and will have their own boundaries, dreams, feelings, and desires which must also be respected - you might not meet anyone who wants to be "added" or "shared," but you might meet people who will happily be partners with you.

Good luck and remember to take things slowly!
 
Last edited:
Thank you nycindie

I agree. We are no where near being ready for this. We are still communicating and working out kinks and figuring out what works for us. Its just nice that we have this open line of communication and we arent afraid to tell each other how we feel about it openly and honestly without the other person feeling hurt or that they did something wrong to make the other feel this way. I cant say when we would be ready to open our relationship up to anyone else. Only time will tell with that, but before that were to ever happen I want my husband and I to be on the same page with everything. I know feelings will arise, and we need to be prepared for that. For the time being we agree'd to let things sit for a week and let us mentally wrap our heads around what we have talked about and then come back together and talk about how we feel about it again.

As far as our relationship, we're going out the two of us on friday to spend quality time together ;) Maybe talk a bit more if the mood arises over dinner.
 
The has "hunt" is a play on words. Take as you want though, if you get the meaning that's what matters. I do have a tendency to be crude, that's me though.
 
Well, I can tell my husbands insecurities are getting to him and we haven't even done or agree'd to anything.

Last night he fell asleep early. My office is across the hall, and I had gotten a call from a friend, I shut the door as not to wake him or the baby. When I get off the phone I went to walk out of my office, open the door and hes just standing there. I asked him why he was just standing there listening to my conversation and he says "who where you talking to, was it another guy" Um... no, it wasn't. We sat down and talked. He said he felt like he was already starting to get jealous of something that hasn't even happened and he doesn't want to be with another woman and just doesn't understand why I would want to be with another guy. I asked him where this came from and why the day before he seemed excited about it and now he almost seems angry about it and is sneaking around the house like hes going to catch me doing something when im not even doing anything.

I asked him what changed, and he said after we had talked and shortly after were intimate, all that kept running through his head afterwards was another man doing that to me and it bothered him tremendously. He said he felt possessiveness over me and that he should be the only one allowed to be that close to me. It kinda bothers me that he sees me as a possession. Yes we are married, but im not HIS possession.

As of now, I told him I was hurt that he felt this way because he was treating me poorly over it, and we went to bed without saying much more. All he could keep saying was that he felt like he wasn't good enough and that these traits he doesn't possess he wished he did. I kept trying to tell him its of no fault of his own and this has nothing to do with me wanting to find a partner better then him and wanting to leave him. I don't know how many times I could express to him that I love him and love our family.

I think I just feel hurt because I felt like we really opened up about this and I was 100% honest with him and how I felt and I felt like he almost sat and seemed open about it so he could use how I felt to hold it above my head. Maybe im wrong. I know feelings are going to change from day to day, but he went from feeling good about it and discussing boundaries to acting like im sneaking around and already found somebody and treating me like I did something wrong.
 
Here's emotional cycle of change done as a picture.

http://nitrofitpt.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/jm-fishers-5-stages-of-change-transition.jpg

Sounds like he was at "happy" and then the "fear" started coming on.

Jealousy:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html

Pitfalls:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Perhaps those links give you some insight? Keep talking. Nobody's Opening anything but "Opening in Mind" to each other to just TALK about your thoughts and ideas and whatnot.

Maybe in the end you decide it's just not for you. But have grown closer for the sharing of thoughts. That's not so bad right?

Galagirl
 
This is part of the process - feelings and thoughts will likely swing widely back and forth between extremes. His thoughts about it seem perfectly natural to me. Our society teaches us that our spouses and committed partners "belong" to us; it is hard to let go of possessiveness. It is such an ingrained "ideal."

I think it is good he is getting it out, and good that he recognizes it's a mindset he has. So many people walk around basically asleep in life, shrug, and say, "I'm just a jealous person!" without any real self-examination. So, as much as it irks you to be thought of as a possession or property, be thankful he is open and sharing these thoughts with you. Don't give in, either of you, to beating yourselves up, or each other. The fact that he expressed what he was grappling with is a blessing, and something to be grateful for, even if what he shared kinda stinks! Even though poly has been on your mind and a desire of yours for a long time, find compassion for what he's going through and don't let frustration piss you off too much.

As John Welwood wrote in his book, Journey of the Heart, it's absolutely crucial to be fully honest for an intimate relationship to thrive, deepen, and be a source of personal growth. He calls it "applying the microscope of awareness" (great book, btw!). Your husband is actually expanding his capacity for love and intimacy by looking at and expressing to you what is bringing him pain. John Welwood writes:

"Depending on how we relate to love's pain, it can lead in one of two very different directions. If we regard it as a threat, something to avoid at all cost, we will try to patch it over, keep it out of sight. After a while, however, accumulating patches only deadens our sensitivity and our capacity to love freely. Resenting the pain involved in becoming vulnerable to another person causes us to lose heart or harden our heart, and this cuts off the energetic flow between us.

Yet if we can learn to make use of our pain, it can be an invaluable helper and guide on the path. For it exposes and directs our attention to places inside us where we are shut down, contracted, and half-asleep. If I can move with my pain more fluidly, my rigid defenses start to dissolve and I become more permeable to love's awakening influence. And when I can let my partner see my hurt, instead of hiding it away, where it may fester and poison the relationship, this creates greater intimacy between us.

Of course, nobody wants to feel pain. Yet to become a warrior of the heart--one who is willing to risk being wounded in the service of love--we must be able to use the pain that relationship inevitably brings our way."​

He is letting you see his pain. He is not whining nor making demands, but being truthful and present and trusting in you that he can share a side of himself that makes him uncomfortable. That is good stuff and can only bring you closer and help build a firm foundation, whether a poly arrangement is in your future or not.

That's why you need to go slowly, do some reading together, discuss everything for a good long while and, at some point when you are both ready, perhaps even find a local poly group to meet others who can share their experiences with you -- before seeking another partner.
 
Last edited:
Back
Top