Sexuality Dynamics

Flowerchild

New member
Does anyone have experiences to share involving themselves and a committed partner....where both were heterosexual? And one of the partner's become heavily involved with a bisexual partner (who allowed them opportunity to have relationships with that partner and another man/woman)?

For example, a husband and wife, where the wife was straight. Then the husband starts dating a bisexual woman. Because she's bi, he and she can share experiences with another woman....where the wife can't/isn't interested (otherwise, she wouldn't really be "straight" would she?)

Does it make it harder for straight couples to be poly, as they can't really be fully integrated with their respective partners, but each has to date on their own?

How do you get around that, if so?
 
Um, wow. Okay first thing, understand you are making a TON of assumptions that are just not good. Assumptions really don't work out well in poly. Clarification does.

Now, to the stuff you are assuming. Straight women have threesomes. So just because a woman and a man are straight does not mean no threesomes. SO there's that assumption blown out of the water.

As for straight couples being poly and not able to be fully integrated, another assumption. My husband, straight, does that mean he can't REALLY be part of my relationship with my boyfriend? Um well, it wouldn't matter either way. It's MY relationship with my boyfriend so would prefer to NOT have them be interested in a threesome. Nothing wrong with a threesome but guess what? Not required!

As for HAVING to date on their own, yet another assumption. While it seems to be awfully popular for new poly couples to want to want to date together, many don't want to! Hubby wants to date, he can date without me. I date, I date without him.

So really, think about what the real issue is here. Do YOU want to be dating a couple? You are welcome to, go for it! However, if you are dating a man, and not his wife, then that's the situation. If she isnt' interested, is that a problem for you?

What I'm trying to say is there is, for many people, nothing to get around. I'm bi, but I date one person at a time. So the fact that I'm bi doesn't mean that my husband or my boyfriend are going to get a threesome. Or that they have that opportunity with me. Lots of assumptions. Try clarifying what you really want or are worried about and then clarifying with the husband and wife what they are wanting or willing to have in a relationship.
 
Does it make it harder for straight couples to be poly, as they can't really be fully integrated with their respective partners, but each has to date on their own?

If I'm picking up what you're putting down here, you are talking about a triad or quad type situation. That is, where all of the members of a relationship are sexually involved with one another. This would be the only time where being "fully integrated" with someone elses partner is even a topic of discussion.

For all of the other forms of poly which are not group-sex oriented, this is not a question that is relevant. I am more or less heterosexual, CV is heterosexual, IV is heterosexual... who cares? I am not part of a partner exchange program, I'm dating IV who also (completely unrelated to my relationship with her) is dating CV. CV and I don't need to be sucking each others dicks for this to be a fully functional poly arrangement. It just means that we are not a triad... who's got time for that kind of stress?
 
If I'm picking up what you're putting down here, you are talking about a triad or quad type situation. That is, where all of the members of a relationship are sexually involved with one another. This would be the only time where being "fully integrated" with someone elses partner is even a topic of discussion.

For all of the other forms of poly which are not group-sex oriented, this is not a question that is relevant. I am more or less heterosexual, CV is heterosexual, IV is heterosexual... who cares? I am not part of a partner exchange program, I'm dating IV who also (completely unrelated to my relationship with her) is dating CV. CV and I don't need to be sucking each others dicks for this to be a fully functional poly arrangement. It just means that we are not a triad... who's got time for that kind of stress?

I was in a similar living arrangement to the one Marcus has. We did call it a triad, because we three all loved each other. However, the other woman and I did not share sex, so by strict sexual definition we were a vee. That said, the other female partner and I were the best of friends. She and I had common interests outside of our mutual guy and pursued those together. Loving relationships do not necessarily need a sexual component.
 
We did call it a triad, because we three all loved each other. However, the other woman and I did not share sex, so by strict sexual definition we were a vee. That said, the other female partner and I were the best of friends. She and I had common interests outside of our mutual guy and pursued those together. Loving relationships do not necessarily need a sexual component.

Loving relationships do not need a sexual component, at all. If I have implied something to the contrary, I have misspoke, because the statement is not even remotely true.

However, using the definition you provided, I have a theoretical triad:

Marcus said:
I live with my sister and her childhood friend. I love them both deeply, I'd do anything for them. I am not sexual with either of them but we are so close and share many interests - some of them the three of us share and some of them the pairs of us share.

I am in a triad with my sister and her childhood friend.

I have no problem with saying that loving relationships of all kinds can be valued. However, "triad" is a word referring to romantic relationships. Using that word to describe my friendships might be chuckle-worthy, but it is inaccurate.

The OP is talking about romantic relationships and is making an assumption that all involved parties should have sexual connection. That is an assumption which is only relevant in the triad/quad style of relating.
 
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how is that the same

when what you used as your example to discount Bookbug's use of the label, is incest.

Of course you come up with a theoretical example where something doesn't fit, people don't use the term triad on this site unless all three are fucking, that fine, people here get bent out of shape as this is like the Justice system of Polyworld where everything is right or wrong according to precedence.

So at polyamory.com you need to go vee Bookbug, even low in reality I would agree you are very much in a triad, not a vee. If you need to label things for clarity the triad label is much closer as it sounds like more than where you all have a bed, you are involved in each others life. There are no walls, no screens for privacy and you don't want them as there is no separation between the three of your lives.

You didn't misspeak Marcus, just contradicting yourself, or possibly completely discounting a person's experiences with poly or concerns about dynamics when you said

For all of the other forms of poly which are not group-sex oriented, this is not a question that is relevant.

As if semantics is going to change her experience,

So as to the question presented by Flowerchild, it can be a problem, or it could be one where there is no problem to get around. The same way giving your situation a difference name won't do much to change your experience unless you are playing games with yourself and attempting to force yourself to be OK with somethings you are not, or possible find a problem that really isn't a problem and use it as an excuse

both things happen all the time

However there are people with mature enough attitudes, who don't drastically change their character depending on who they are with or where they are, it is completely possible to be fully integrated into each others lives without having sex with the bisexual, and you could have threesomes but it really doesn't matter as you can be "fully integrated" as three people in each others lives and whether or not it's called a triad or if someone claims you are not fully integrated that are foolish.

As it depends nothing on any of the information given here, and it is ok to make every assumption you want when you are talking about possibilities and dynamics because they can probably be accurate with certain people and not possible with others.

So regardless of anyone else's opinion or experience, yes it could be a problem, no it doesn't have to be.

It depends on the people and the the aspects that make up their life. If you are a couple that eats, drinks, and breathes camping, then a person who gets uncomfortable going to a park unless they can see cars whizzing by can have all the sex she wants with both partners at once and each pf them saparately, but she isn't likely ever going to be "fully integrated" into their lives if the couple is always camping somewhere any day they don't have to go to work in the morning because camping is such a big part of their life.

On the other hand, a person who is always camping with the couple and loves being around them, maybe even cuddles with them under a blanket every night by the fire but does not kiss nor have sex with either of them could easily be considered "full integrated"

It has more to do the breakdown or makeup of whatever it is that are the majority of each person's life, and how much involvement there is between the three of you.

If sex is the major component in your life you can still have a person be involved with your sex life and not actually be engaging in sex acts,


but the truth is, being involved in each other's lives is more important than both the presence of Love AND sex, when speaking about being fully integrated

another thing that happens is people are saying and doing two different things, and it doesn't matter if it is an honest mistake or intentional. Usually people who get all uptight above the precision meaning of words is smart enough to know the difference between the meaning of being "fully integrated" into a couples' life and how that communicates something completely different from "fully integrated sexually" or being "sexually fully integrated"

These semantics problems are not normally a problem because people who demand precision so that they know exactly what you are talking about do not use terms imprecisely, and if they do it is likely a case of them being manipulative.

If it's not them being manipulative there won't be any problems because in today's world we have such a robust and complete vocabulary in so many languages that anything can be clearly communicated, while at the same time the simplest notion can also be obfuscated intentionally for personal benefit over all others.
 
My Maca and GG are both straight. I am bi. I date both of them. GG doesn't choose to date others but would likely be open to the opportunity of sharing a gf with me were it to occur (not a goal, but we have hallened upon the experience and opportunity in years past.
Maca and I, not so much. He dates women and most have been bi. But they arent my type.
So-no I dont really see being bi or straight as relevant.

Additionally I have had threesomes with 2 straight men and i have had them with a lesbian, a straight man and myself, and a bi woman and a straight woman and myself. Just never had a bi or gay man.
 
Loving relationships do not need a sexual component, at all. If I have implied something to the contrary, I have misspoke, because the statement is not even remotely true.

No, Marcus, you did not imply that. :p I utilized your example because your current living arrangement was the most similar to the one I had for a couple of decades.
However, using the definition you provided, I have a theoretical triad:

I have no problem with saying that loving relationships of all kinds can be valued. However, "triad" is a word referring to romantic relationships. Using that word to describe my friendships might be chuckle-worthy, but it is inaccurate.

The OP is talking about romantic relationships and is making an assumption that all involved parties should have sexual connection. That is an assumption which is only relevant in the triad/quad style of relating.

I wasn't sure exactly what the OP was specifying. I gathered interest in the sexual / romantic component. But wanted to cover all bases by stating loving (non-romantic) relationships may have their place.
 
Does it make it harder for straight couples to be poly, as they can't really be fully integrated with their respective partners, but each has to date on their own?

Most poly people do not fuck their partners' partners, gay, bi, het or pansexual as they may be.

In fact, looking to do team dating, where a committed couple want to "share" a woman together, is looked down upon by experienced polyamorists, gay, bi, pansexual or straight.

That said, if your straight husband finds another woman to date, she could be straight, and eventually might come to like you as a friend, and you 3 could have a 3way sexytime, where the women do not kiss, fondle, or go down on each other. You both just focus on the man. This might happen very naturally if she is spending the evening at your house, and all 3 of you are sitting on the couch, man in the middle.

Problem solved.
 
My So's are both straight. So am I. They are friendly with each other, but neither wants to be integrated with each other.
 
In fact, looking to do team dating, where a committed couple want to "share" a woman together, is looked down upon by experienced polyamorists, gay, bi, pansexual or stramiddle.

Problem solved.

Men.. Not entirely true. I know my fair share of successful team dating. Its a horrible phrase since it implies a level of competition.

And haha at integrated with each other. Sorry on my phone quoting is annoying. But that awesome

I am in a long term quad. The two men (I am one) could probably say they love each other like brothers and and women are both hi. We both were couples dating and successful. However we ensure our expectations are not equal.. (Not every relationship is romantically the same) and we ensure we respect everyone ever involved. Simple really but I find in general poly people talk a lot about communication but lack the respect to seriously enjoy a relationship for what it is.
 
"Stramiddle?"

:rolleyes:
 
I am in a long term quad. The two men (I am one) could probably say they love each other like brothers and and women are both hi. We both were couples dating and successful.

Are all of the members of your quad romantically/sexually involved with one another? If not, I clearly don't know what that term means (or no one else seems to, I can't decide which is true).
 
Are all of the members of your quad romantically/sexually involved with one another? If not, I clearly don't know what that term means (or no one else seems to, I can't decide which is true).

I was reading around trying to figure out what it is that I am missing when it comes to identifying what a quad-triad relationship is. One thing I found talks about it as if it is a spectrum. Like, a vee and a triad are the same relationship setup only vee is at one end of the spectrum and triad is at the other with the connection between the ends being stronger or weaker.

That essentially means that my joking triad with my sister is a legit usage of the word lol
 
Are all of the members of your quad romantically/sexually involved with one another? If not, I clearly don't know what that term means (or no one else seems to, I can't decide which is true).

No.. I just can't be bothered to type anything more than quad. hahah I don't feel like say W.. or double v.. quad is just easier and considering we are a cohabitating, co income family of 4 coparenting 2 kids with 2 more on the way. I think I can safely say quad and not worry about the poly police knocking on my door wondering about my relationship structure.. there are enough people worrying about relationship structure labels that I don't need to think about it.

@mag sorry about that, typing from a wee lil phone can really screw with my quoting.. haha it definitely wasn't intentional.

I was reading around trying to figure out what it is that I am missing when it comes to identifying what a quad-triad relationship is. One thing I found talks about it as if it is a spectrum. Like, a vee and a triad are the same relationship setup only vee is at one end of the spectrum and triad is at the other with the connection between the ends being stronger or weaker.

I used to joke that a triad is never an equal triangle, that it is more like a scalene. No matter how hard people try, relationships aren't always equal. My quad is very similar with several relationships in one section, all of them not equal romantically but definitely not without merit. The strength of the overall individual relationships may be equal as is the respect involved in maintaining them, but the romantic relationships, specifically, are completely different.

The reality is, we don't even think in terms of poly. We are two couples who have merged into one family and happily live our relationships as they are. Decisions, life changes, careers, etc are all made just like traditional monogamous couples. We are even looking at purchasing a house. Potentially..

Sort of off topic, I do keep joking that the 4 of us should start looking for a quadracorn.. we were both semi successful unicorn hunters and we both dated as couples successfully as well, so it could be interesting.. of course, who the hell has time or energy for that.. haha
 
Ah, to see the word "scalene" in conversation... :D

For me, now that my partner is dating someone, whose husband is dating my metamour, and OBTW, the wife and hubby have kinda-sorta had some fun time together with my metamour while my partner is absolutely not interested in that at all (at least at the moment), I hear you on the "WTF is THIS geometric structure?"

Maybe I'll call this new thing a rhombus with a stick poking out the corner. Or maybe "relationship spaghetti" is more accurate at this point. :p
 
I would like to see the word "obtuse" used in conversation more often as well.

The word "gradient" would also be nice.

And the other day, i found out that i'd been defining the word "prism" much too narrowly, so i have changed the way i think about that (HELLO to all of you who think i think i'm perfect. I am NOT perfect, but some people are less imperfect than others).
 
Are all of the members of your quad romantically/sexually involved with one another? If not, I clearly don't know what that term means (or no one else seems to, I can't decide which is true).

For the record and strictly speaking. You are correct. We would not be considered a quad.. :) (just to clarify hahah).. my labelling of it is from sheer laziness of not caring about the label. :)
 
For the record and strictly speaking. You are correct. We would not be considered a quad.. :) (just to clarify hahah).. my labelling of it is from sheer laziness of not caring about the label. :)



So who is having sex with whom? Each male with both females? Each female with both males? The two females with each other? But not the two males?

I'm just trying to understand what IS because so far the description has been mostly about what it is not.
 
So who is having sex with whom? Each male with both females? Each female with both males? The two females with each other? But not the two males?

I'm just trying to understand what IS because so far the description has been mostly about what it is not.

Only the guys don't have sex with each other.
 
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