Peace and joy and love

Hey my blog has a rating...who knew?

Vulnerability has been on my mind a lot lately. I have a hard time showing my vulnerable side to a lot of people. I don't want people to think that I'm in some way weak, but I'm coming to realize that it's not weakness that I'm hiding but rather my humanity.

I have a fear that people, especially those who I don't know or don't know well will think less of me if I'm not perfect. The thing is that the people who's company I most enjoy are people who are authentically who they are and who aren't afraid to be that person.

I'm human I make mistakes, some of them big ones. But on the other hand I can also be the person to make that little bit of a change in someone's world to make their life just that little bit better. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Even though I'm not all good all the time doesn't take away from the good that I do do.

My best friend's partner has gained respect from me by being who she is and telling me what her fears were about me. It took a lot of courage for her to speak to me about it but the end result is absolutely positive. I'm going to try to remember that when I'm afraid of rejection or not being good enough when I'm talking to someone.

By being human you allow others to be human too. The more we open ourselves up and are vulnerable to each other the more we will be able to see ourselves in others and embrace the imperfection of being human. No more striving to be and appear perfect when being perfectly imperfect will suffice.
 
Ironic, this was one of the many topics Karma and I covered last night. I don't like showing vulnerabilities for the same reason. I don't mind with him, or my family, basicaly people that really know me. But I have huge issue with people I don't know well seeing them, or worse hearing about them through others. I find what you say about it making us human very interesting, I have a feeling I be doing some thinking on that.
 
TED talks

Hey Derby!
Have you heard of TED talks? There is one on vulnerability, it's quite interesting, I can find it for you if you'd like :)
 
Hey Derby!
Have you heard of TED talks? There is one on vulnerability, it's quite interesting, I can find it for you if you'd like :)

That's one of the things that set the theme for the week :D
 
That's one of the things that set the theme for the week :D

haha awesome :)

it was interesting to hear the bit where she said (I cannot remember her name :confused:) that the moment we numb the "bad" feelings, we numb everything else (joy for example), as there is no way to avoid/block/pretend-they-don't-exist selectively.
 
haha awesome :)

it was interesting to hear the bit where she said (I cannot remember her name :confused:) that the moment we numb the "bad" feelings, we numb everything else (joy for example), as there is no way to avoid/block/pretend-they-don't-exist selectively.

Yep, I had that on antidepressants. I needed them to function at the time when I was on them, 2 small kids to care for and a husband who was away. I'm glad to be off them now and to be able to feel emotion again.
 
Hey my blog has a rating...who knew?

Vulnerability has been on my mind a lot lately. I have a hard time showing my vulnerable side to a lot of people. I don't want people to think that I'm in some way weak, but I'm coming to realize that it's not weakness that I'm hiding but rather my humanity.

I have a fear that people, especially those who I don't know or don't know well will think less of me if I'm not perfect. The thing is that the people who's company I most enjoy are people who are authentically who they are and who aren't afraid to be that person.

I'm human I make mistakes, some of them big ones. But on the other hand I can also be the person to make that little bit of a change in someone's world to make their life just that little bit better. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Even though I'm not all good all the time doesn't take away from the good that I do do.

My best friend's partner has gained respect from me by being who she is and telling me what her fears were about me. It took a lot of courage for her to speak to me about it but the end result is absolutely positive. I'm going to try to remember that when I'm afraid of rejection or not being good enough when I'm talking to someone.

By being human you allow others to be human too. The more we open ourselves up and are vulnerable to each other the more we will be able to see ourselves in others and embrace the imperfection of being human. No more striving to be and appear perfect when being perfectly imperfect will suffice.

I saw your thread and thought I would try to post. First thanks again for the help. Now to your fear of others see you as perfect or whatever, you must be very young and thats good thing. The reason I say that is because the older I get the less I care what people think. With in reason . Now I should write the disclaimer. Like hair color or my clothes cars I drive bullshit stuff. I as soon as I started typing my words of wisdom I quickly thought well most everything except the poly.. I know what a fucking ass. yup
 
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As for being very young, not so much. I'm in my mid 30's (which admittedly isn't ancient by any stretch of the imagination...but I wouldn't go so far as to think of it as very young either). The wanting to be perfect isn't about my appearance. I really don't put a lot of effort in in that department. It's more about being perceived as nice and good and outgoing as well as I have this expectation of myself that I should be able to have a full time job, raise kids, do derby and still be able to keep an immaculate house.
 
As for being very young, not so much. I'm in my mid 30's (which admittedly isn't ancient by any stretch of the imagination...but I wouldn't go so far as to think of it as very young either). The wanting to be perfect isn't about my appearance. I really don't put a lot of effort in in that department. It's more about being perceived as nice and good and outgoing as well as I have this expectation of myself that I should be able to have a full time job, raise kids, do derby and still be able to keep an immaculate house.

We have a housekeeper who comes every other week. Best. Investment. Ever.
 
Sometimes it seems that in a small poly community that there are tidbits of not entirely accurate information that get out and are presented as fact to the community at large. Usually it’s about who is seeing/dating/sleeping with who. Unfortunately spreading these things as facts can lead to trouble in relationships further down the line as when it gets to you, you know that someone somewhere along the line isn’t being entirely truthful. Either someone is instigating the rumour to make themselves rack up the points of how many lovers they have or, worse, there is dishonesty within your tribe.

Neither option is terribly good but the second is most definitely worse. Lying and cheating and betrayal are never ok. I dislike having to question if those around me, who I care about, are being truthful with me. Also if someone within our constellation was to add a new partner (at the moment all the ends are closed) it’s something that I would need to know about so that I can make choices around how I wish to proceed with safe sex (both to protect myself and to protect other partners).

I would caution people about making public relationships where you have only heard from one of the parties who’s involved. It has the potential to cause a lot of unnecessary doubt and drama. It’s better to leave things out that you *think* you know until you have confirmation. What might seem fun and light-hearted to one has the potential to cause a lot of disharmony and pain for others.
 
Oh sweet thing, this whole thing has really been up setting. What someone thinks is playful braggy humour is another persons pain. Your concern for who is being truthful to you is completely valid. It's really hard to trust total strangers that are linked to you by no choice of your own... just circumstance. Such is the trust we have in poly and the sex within it... not to mention the emotional component.

Big hugs to you sweets, it will all work out in the wash. I am keeping faith that what you have been told by all involved is in fact the truth, not because of the relationships because I would hate to see your trust broken.

I was at a party recently and came across some friends in the community. I have heard/seen/suspected all kinds of things and decided that I should just ask what is going on for them in their relationship life. I also said that they didn't have to tell me but as I had heard stuff I wanted to get the info from them rather than believing the rumour mill.

I was embarrassed to ask, but they were all quick to thank me for asking and made me feel comfortable in asking... it ended up being a bonding moment for us and I left the conversation knowing what was going on. Supporting them in their choices, feeling compersion for them and feeling as if our friendship was deeper. I was so glad I asked.

I asked a question of another women the other night and got a similar response. It has been a really good reminder that if I want to know, I should ask... I hope that now you have asked, you get the same results :)
 
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Not cool! So very not cool!

I can only imagine if someone started spreading rumors that one of us was "with" someone in the poly-community here what a ruckus and disaster that would be.

Maca is too insecure to just accept "that's b.s. honey". He'd freak. Just freak.
 
I'm interested in those talks you were commenting on in the last page... does anyone have a link?
 
Not cool! So very not cool!

I can only imagine if someone started spreading rumors that one of us was "with" someone in the poly-community here what a ruckus and disaster that would be.

Maca is too insecure to just accept "that's b.s. honey". He'd freak. Just freak.

I don't think it was put out there with malicious intent but rather without having all the facts. I have been reassured that things are the way I thought they were but it still sucked to go to that panicky place.

I'm interested in those talks you were commenting on in the last page... does anyone have a link?

youtube TED talks
 
even without malicious intent-it would be a disaster.
You know?

I mean-I would hit that "panicky place" like you mention-but Maca, he just doesn't have the skills yet to get from OMG PANIC and NOT fall over the accusation edge. :(
 
An apology to my husband and his girlfriend for my part in the drama of the week:

Everything is feeling very "middle school" this week. It's kind of weird because I've been reading a book on aggression in girls in schools and I see (and am a part of, unfortunately) the same type of tactics even as an adult. I feel like I'm gossipping and trying to get people on my side because I was angry (still am a bit but that's beside the point).

I've caused way more drama in the heat of the moment than was necessary. I've potentially had a part in squelching a romance before it's had the chance to run whatever course it was going to by it's self...and that's not fair to the people involved.

I did overreact with the information that I had at the time. I allowed my emotions and thoughts to get the better of me before I could sit down and talk it out with the people whom I trust. By that point I was already so angry that I just needed to lash out and the shit splatter has been far reaching.

What other people chose to do and say is beyond my control. I need to learn to trust that what *I've* been told is true is in fact the truth. It was very bad of me to doubt that my husband and his gf would have been lying to me. Neither of them have ever given me cause to think that this is the case. I'm done listening to the rumour mill. If something important is happening with those around me I have faith that they will tell me themselves.
 
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Stop being so hard on yourself Derby. Some people don't think before they post stuff/say stuff which is no worse than your reaction. RP should give you a spanking...if your're into that stuff of course ;)
 
Stop being so hard on yourself Derby. Some people don't think before they post stuff/say stuff which is no worse than your reaction. RP should give you a spanking...if your're into that stuff of course ;)

Well you never know till you try, right? ;):D
 
The past couple of weeks have been tough. I'm not going through anything myself but I find myself standing by, helpless, as RP and Mono work through their stuff. I understand where they are both coming from and I wish more than anything that I had an easy solution to offer that would just work. I hate that they are sad and hurting and at least, for the moment, there doesn't seem to be an end to the discussions. No one is the bad guy here...just 2 people who have completely different takes on the world and how they need to be in it to be healthy.

Anyone have some magical fairy dust to make it all better?
 
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