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Old 12-22-2014, 03:13 AM
numinous numinous is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5
Default Wow, things have changed

I guess a lot can happen in 5 years.

I will take a stab at writing a new profile, but will probably leave the original one up or at least archive it because it's a snapshot of who I was then.

For now, a brief update:

I live in Portland now, and I only date women. Specifically butch women.

Obviously I've gone through some changes since 2009. I haven't really considered polyamory or consensual nonmonogamy since I realized I was attracted to women. I'm not really sure why, but it just fell by the wayside.

I've had a lot of adventures since I realized my crushes on women were no fluke. I've heard other people say it feels like you're 14 again, and it's true. And you make all of the same rookie mistakes a 14 year old would make. There has been exhilaration, there's been heartache. Mine and theirs.

I finally got to a place in the past few months where I'm doing Me, practicing self care, taking some risks in other non-dating areas of my life. And that brings me to the present.

I am just starting to date someone whom I already have strong feelings for, and who seems like a much better fit than everyone I've dated so far. I went about "vetting" her in what I think is a very rational, systematic, responsible way. Then, whenever I spent time with her, I gauged how I was feeling about her, me and our potential. I gauged whether I wanted to spend more time with her after each casual meeting out in the community.

So now, we've spent some significant time alone with each other. We've been sexually intimate with each other. Here's the issue (I won't call it a problem):

She wants to be nonmonogamous. And yes, she did disclose this on our first date. And we did discuss it openly. So I rushed home and quickly googled whatever I could find on how to practice ethical polyamory. We looked at it together. All is well and good, right? Wrong. Here's the thing:

I want to be monogamous with her.

And I'm having a hell of a time understanding why, wrapping my mind around it. Not to mention my heart.

- Why was I so willing to be nonmonogamous with men but not women?
- How likely is it to work if one partner is monogamous and the other partner is not? I mean, I know that people do this, so I know that technically it can be done. But how does it really work, on a day-to-day basis? How does the monogamous partner deal with the jealousy and emotions around having a partner who is out having sex with other women? And yes, I know what compersion is.
- How can I get back to that place where I am truly OKAY with it, in my heart. And not just saying I'm OKAY with it, because I don't want to lose this very new, very fragile relationship?

Any help is much appreciated.
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