"Specialness" in poly relationships?

mimi1002

New member
I am dealing with an emotion that I can't put a finger on. I'm in a FMF Vee. My SO's GF would like it to be a triad but I am not there yet. I don't know if I will be there. We have talked a lot about this and are working on having a more integrated life. Here is my issue. A lot of the time when I talk about something that SO has done for me or to me, his GF points out to me that "yeah, he did that for or to me, years ago". For some reason this is rubbing me the wrong way. I don't care that they did this or that but I really don't want it pointed out all the time. I don't know if this is jealousy or what. It just feels like nothing in our relationship is novel or "just ours". Like there is no "specialness" to our relationship. I'm not sure if this is my issue or her's. I mean, perhaps she feels the same way. That the "specialness" of their relationship is gone because he is now doing all these things with me. I would like to talk to her about it but any input would be appreciated.
 
Okay so I'm pretty new to being openly poly however I do think I've got a great deal of experience with relationships in general and having a poly mindset so I'll give responding to your post a try.

Firstly there's no reason you should feel obligated to enter into a relationship with your SO's other partner simply because you both have a relationship with him. For you to have a functioning relationship with her, you would have to be interested in her as you are your SO. As you both have him in common it's likely you'll have shared interests and such but it doesn't automatically mean you two will be interested in each other anymore than civil aquaintences. You have to determine for yourself if you have attraction to her and not be pressured by the situation to enter into that.

Determining whether you and the other girl need a degree of specialness from your male partner is something that you each need to determine on your own. Some relationships could function where much is shared between all partners but as individuals we all desire some degree of independent identity and things that are uniquely "ours". This varies from person to person and what you might desire would be different than someone else. It would be best to communicate these desires to all parties involved to make sure everyone's needs are met.

Her establishing that she's been given everything you've been given could be reflecting insecurities she has on her end in an effort to stake some sort of primary claim to the relationship. Having a frank discussion with her and the guy about how this makes you feel might be a good opening for her to open up dialogue about how she's feeling as well and you will be able to establish boundaries that work for everyone.

Hope this helps!
 
A lot of the time when I talk about something that SO has done for me or to me, his GF points out to me that "yeah, he did that for or to me, years ago". For some reason this is rubbing me the wrong way.
Because, it's RUDE. TOtally rude! I am in an MFM V-and I'm the F. I would NEVER EVER EVER do that to either of my men, becuase IT IS RUDE. She is likely doing it as a way to make herself feel as though she's still special. But, that doens't in anyway change the fact that her actions are unkind and rude and they should desist. Your moments together are yours and should be left at that.
Frankly, I'd stop sharing some of the info, pointedly and if asked why, I'd explain that it leaves you feeling unloved and unappreciated when those remarks are made.
I don't care that they did this or that but I really don't want it pointed out all the time. I don't know if this is jealousy or what. It just feels like nothing in our relationship is novel or "just ours". Like there is no "specialness" to our relationship. I'm not sure if this is my issue or her's. I mean, perhaps she feels the same way. That the "specialness" of their relationship is gone because he is now doing all these things with me. I would like to talk to her about it but any input would be appreciated.

I think that she likely IS feeling precisely this way-and that's why she's doing it. Which doesn't make it right or beneficial-and I do suggest you two talk about it-on calm quiet relaxed ground.

Good luck.
 
Her establishing that she's been given everything you've been given could be reflecting insecurities she has on her end in an effort to stake some sort of primary claim to the relationship.

This was exactly what I was thinking. Now I don't have any experience really with a poly relationship, as I'm still working that all out for myself at the moment. But I know that people do this all the time in all types of relationships when they feel threatened. My best friend does it when I tell her about something sweet my boyfriend has done for me. It's called "one upping" someone. Where the other person tries to make themselves seem more important or downplay your special moment, so they don't feel inferior to you. It's her problem, not yours though. If I were you, I'd talk to your boyfriend about it and then if it doesn't get resolved, sit down and talk about it as a group.
 
Communication - Not Combat

I certainly would recommend looking at this as a growing experience - not as a call to arms. I don't know you or your partners so I am going to presume that all three of you mean no harm to one another. Any harm she may have caused against you (real or perceived) is almost certainly unintentional.

I find that when I take an approach of humility, making it known that I am having some emotions flare up, that I ruffle fewer feathers and real communication can begin. When I get those jealous/envious type feelings it is certainly my responsibility. In my relationship(s), ownership of any kind is not the goal, so why would I be having territorial type emotions if I am not (on some level) trying to control/own my partner? In that, I express that "when you said this, I had a jealousy type emotion come up. I'm not sure exactly why or if it is reasonable. Most likely it is something about my worldview I need to look at"

Just talk to her, tell her how you are feeling. If you are honest and open yourself up I would wager you will be surprised by how helpful her response will be.
 
A lot of the time when I talk about something that SO has done for me or to me, his GF points out to me that "yeah, he did that for or to me, years ago". For some reason this is rubbing me the wrong way. I don't care that they did this or that but I really don't want it pointed out all the time.

I agree that she might be trying to one-up you, or assert being primary but on the other hand...YOU are the one bringing up what your SO had done for or to you, what is your motivation? Perhaps you should keep that stuff to yourself, maybe she is misreading you and thinking you are trying to rub things in her face? If you're not, maybe you shouldn't take it as a negative when shes responding, maybe she is just sharing information and including you in their long term friendship and history (one of the things new members of a triad often talk about is how they feel like they are left out of the original couple's long history).

If he was a friend and not a lover, would you feel she was staking a claim, or including you? There's really not more of a reason to ascribe a negative motive to her than it is to you unless she's changing her tone or being snarky about other things. Occasionally when I'm speaking with my ex-husband and his girlfriend, if she mentions something they've done and he and I had a similar experience I may say so. My intent tends to be "WOW wtf we did that too what...15 years ago? How time flies. My goal is to bond with her, not to put a claim on him.

I like what Marcus says, and if there is any chance you do want to be in a triad, you should be able to talk about this with her about it.
 
I agree that she might be trying to one-up you, or assert being primary but on the other hand...YOU are the one bringing up what your SO had done for or to you, what is your motivation? Perhaps you should keep that stuff to yourself, maybe she is misreading you and thinking you are trying to rub things in her face? If you're not, maybe you shouldn't take it as a negative when shes responding, maybe she is just sharing information and including you in their long term friendship and history (one of the things new members of a triad often talk about is how they feel like they are left out of the original couple's long history).

She requested I tell her everything. From where we go to dinner to how we have sex. She says it makes her feel better knowing everything. So I complied. But then she seems to get huffy. I have no intention of rubbing anything in her face. At this point I think we have a lot of "oversharing" going on in an attempt to include everyone. It's time to sit down and discuss how much privacy each of us needs. Just because we share an SO does not mean that we need to share everything. At least I don't.
 
She requested I tell her everything. From where we go to dinner to how we have sex. She says it makes her feel better knowing everything. So I complied. But then she seems to get huffy. I have no intention of rubbing anything in her face. At this point I think we have a lot of "oversharing" going on in an attempt to include everyone. It's time to sit down and discuss how much privacy each of us needs. Just because we share an SO does not mean that we need to share everything. At least I don't.
She requested, or demanded? A request is something you can refuse with no harm done.

If you have a relationship with him, then that relationship deserves its own privacy. Does she tell you everything that she and her partner do - how they have sex? If so, how do you feel about that?

and, to echo what others are saying - if you do not see a triad working, but a V being fine, then nobody should be coercing you into that.
 
Ugh, she sounds like a dictator and quite envious. I would start separating from her. You're in a Vee, she is not your lover and you don't owe her anything more than polite acknowledgement. Respect for each other should be sufficient. You don't need to tell her jack shit if you don't want to. Do not share what you do not want to share, and do not get involved more than you want to. Egad, the things that people demand! And put up with! Take a stand for your own personal boundaries, for goodness sakes, and ask her to honor the relationship you have with the person you are involved with. Jeez.
 
Oh for sure, I would say it's time to create some boundaries and privacy for yourself, but it sounds like you will want to specifically tell her this is what you're doing, or she may get upset if you just stop telling her things and she "finds out" you had sex and didn't mention in, etc. It sounds like you're comfortable sitting down and doing that though, so that's great.

Probably not going to be a fun conversation. I wont assume either way that you mind or don't mind sharing everything with her (though I will hope it wasn't also a request from your bf also - ie "if you date me you have to share 100% details with my other partner") By the time you feel involved enough with somebody to call them your SO instead of your BF, it would be nice if she was used to your presence and expected that you WERE having sex, and that there's no reason to mention where you went to dinner unless it's a cool new place you think she'd like or you got food poisoning. Phew sometimes I wonder if people who request this sort of information expect to still be told each time sex happens 5-10 years down the road.

Then again, maybe she is very ready to stop sharing so much, but either forgot she asked you to share everything, or doesn't have the tools to figure out how to ask you to stop without appearing rude (I'm an eternal optimist, what can I say)
 
Just wanted to point this out...

Could just be that your hinge guy has a certain love vocab/action plate.

Because he does the same type things with you in the newer rship that he did with her in beginning of the older rship doesn't have to mean you are less special to him than the other. It's just his way of going when HE is in love with people.

When I was open I called my loves "sweetie" or "hon" or nibbled ears hello or whatnot... That is part of MY love vocab/plate of actions. It didn't mean I loved A more than B or B more than A. It means *I* am in love and this is how I behave in love.

If you are comfortable sharing and going "Aw, isn't our Hinge Guy so cute in love? He always does that flower thing doesn't he?" that's great. If you are not comfortable sharing and feel like it takes away from specialness, perhaps back up some and don't share so much.

GG
 
Then again, maybe she is very ready to stop sharing so much, but either forgot she asked you to share everything, or doesn't have the tools to figure out how to ask you to stop without appearing rude (I'm an eternal optimist, what can I say)

I don't know Anne, it sounds like she may have gotten a bit more out of her request than she intended and may have lashed out a bit in response. So you may well be right that a bit of renegotiation is in order (and that she is hoping for it).

Regardless, the only way that the approach of hinting and hoping / withholding in retaliation is going to actually make things better is by pure accident. If we want an outcome that is not entirely left up to luck we need to be up front with how we feel, where we are coming from, and where we hope to go.

Just remember that with all of your communication the goal is to connect - to understand one another in a constructive fashion.
 
Maybe specialness is an illusion in these type of relationships. The depth and intimacy blow through thoses barriers which is were those differences generally lie .
 
Specialness

I find that the idea of "specialness" is generally associated with "ownership".

What I mean is, "you only tell me you love me" is special, but it is also owning "I love you". "He only does this with me" is owning that particular thing. That gut wrenching feeling we have when someone else gets that thing comes from the fact that we think we are entitled to ownership and it has been given/loaned to someone else. In my opinion, ownership does not belong in a relationship between loving adults.

Specialness, in my world, comes from my partner being honest with me, dedicating themselves to me (when they are with me), finding joy in me and taking the time to get to know me. THAT is special; owning a phrase/action/time slot is not special to me, that is a logistical arrangement.

So for me, specialness in my relationships is alive and well - I just try to keep it separate from the trappings of ownership (failing at this probably as frequently as I succeed).
 
Back
Top