So, it's a week after breaking a boundary and things are settling. I have the hard task of telling Leo that I will not be able to sit close to him anymore, and that our "dates" will be constricted, with some very stern rules. I say rules, because there will be no fluid boundaries.
This is my choice. There is no reason to carry on the way we have been. I have to scale my relationship of nonsexual boyfriend back to friend.
I won't see him until March 3rd or something, so I have some time to prepare. I am sad and feeling like just shutting him out entirely. But that is not fair and just reactionary. Every day he sends a little message and I respond as cheerfully as I can, so as to not let on what is going on. I don't want him to worry. He is happy and feeling content, so I think he deserves to have that, for a time.
He will be mad that I didn't tell him sooner, but I can't seem to bring myself to, until I feel stable and when I can honestly say that Mono and I will be okay. That is his prime concern. I know that. If he thinks we are doing badly then he will be very upset. It's not worth it, I think.
PN was concerned about whether I wanted him in my life, and that our time would be divided even more tightly. When I assured him that it wouldn't, and that nothing had changed in that respect, he was okay. He was worried about Mono, but okay.
I don't think Derby is concerned at all about what I did. At least, she hasn't said as much, and we have talked about it lots. I asked her and she made some comments, but none that make me think she is worried about it all.
I know this might sound crazy to some, and I totally get that. Mono thinks that he will sound crazy to some also. But so be it. This is how it has to be. I have committed to my family's happiness, and it will not be happy unless I make a sacrifice. All I ask is to be respected for that. I don't require understanding, but acceptance and respect for taking one for the team.
I ache. I am sad. But I will get over it and life will go on. I don't always need to get my way. This is one of those moments.
I am reminded of the mono relationships I have had in the past. The feeling is eerily familiar. Then, I had no idea why I felt sad, but now I know. There is some peace in knowing.
For what it's worth, I strongly advocate for expansive love. Love multiplies when you give it away. I am not able to do that. But I believe in that and it is my true nature. I will find other ways to give, and have already. There are options.
This all makes me feel as if I am not worthy of writing on this forum anymore. I am in a monogamous relationship with three people at this point, poly-fi, after all. It will take me a bit to gain confidence in that. I am not comfortable yet with my place.
Please don't be hard on Mono. He is staying true to his needs and I respect him for that. I fucked up here, not him. I did it. I own it and I am being accountable.