Redpepper's journey

sex and the big fucking deal of it

Sex defines more than just our close relationships. It defines our community, our friendships, whether people want to hang out or not, what status we have with others in their hearts. Because of its very raw and primal nature, I think we gravitate to those that are like us and sluff off those that are not, based on sex, and other things too.

Having sex with someone means not being able to get back to where you once were with someone, and those around you who know of your relationship. This can be a disastrous thing or a beautiful thing, depending on the situation and those involved.

Sometimes having sex with someone is currency in our poly community. Once the line is crossed, it's crossed, it seems. Another definition of who you are to that person is created. They become something. Your relationship becomes something more, or less, to others.

To some people in the poly community, the strongest friendships come out of sex. It defines their place within their constellation. To others it is a division of friendship, a line that is almost impossible to navigate over to become more connected friends.

What people do with their parts is huge, for almost everyone, I think. When we know something about someone or experience them in a sexual way, it creates change in wonderful and basic root ways within us. Even just hearing about it! Not even being engaged with that person.

Put it this way. If I am someone's friend because we enjoy running together and they find out that I am a sex trade worker, a change occurs. It changes everything about that relationship, whether we want it to or not. if they find out I am a concert pianist, meh, who cares? (Unless they are a violinist or something.) It doesn't really make a change in the same way. The depth of knowledge about me in the eyes of that other person is different and more vulnerable. An opinion is formed and I am judged differently. The information has more clout in a make-or-break kind of way.
The relationship I am in with that person I run with is more black and white. If they learn that I play piano, there is less black and white. more gray.

If you think about it, regardless if sex is happening or not, just talking about it, thinking about it, it even existing in a relationship, changes everything.

When I think of my past and who I am now, there is not one single time I can think of, ever, where, when the sex topic came up, it did not change my relationships with people.

It has defined who I am to some people, defined whether or not they deem me worthy of their time. It does change everything, for the better or not, depending on your belief.
 
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I spent the day on Saturday at a pin-up photo shoot. I didn't know anyone there, but some of them knew me from the burlesque show I was in. It was exciting to pass on my experiences to them and listen to them talk of their hopes and aspirations with the trade of flirt and tease.

The room was small and hot, sticky and stinking of pussy and sweat. Such is what happens when a bunch of naked women get together. The photographer was incredibly patient, empowering, creative, respectful and took a back seat to our experience. He was a really nice man and I really appreciated his tact. Not one single noticeable ogle.

The pictures I got were great! I got two gigs out of the day, some Valentine's presents and had a whole day to get lost in pretty, flirty clothing, makeup and confident women of all ages coming together to be themselves and be real! There was not one woman there that fell into the bullshit that is handed to us about what is beautiful, sexy and attractive about the female body. I love that shit! :D
 
I thought the point of burlesque shows and pin-up photos was to ogle. Now I'm going to have to look up ogle. I'm sure I would have ogled. Seems like an ogling situation. <kidding>

D
 
I thought the point of burlesque shows and pin up photos was to ogle. Now I'm going to have to look up ogle. I'm sure I would have ogled. Seems like an ogling situation. <kidding>
In burlesque, it is considered rude and uncouth to show your cookie and nips off. To even expose them is not appropriate behaviour for a lady. :p

Of course, some artists push this, which is the point. Whereas others push by not showing anything, taking off stuff and still being dressed. Creativity abounds.

At the photoshoot we couldn't help showing some stuff off as we hurriedly changed and rearranged our parts. He respected the ethics of it all and averted his eyes. Not only that, he didn't let on that he even cared. He has been in the community for a long while. Probably because of this reason. There are other men that help out. (Suitcases of costumes get heavy, and someone has to do the lights.) They are also respectful and understand it's a show.

We are all there to perform. A man that ogles doesn't last long. The women can't concentrate when they are being ogled, and they don't take kindly to that, at all, unless someone has paid to watch their show, of course! :D
 
I went to a party the other night of a new friend that I am just getting to know a bit better. She is very quiet at our social gatherings, but makes an attempt to come. When she invited me to her event I was pleased to be there to find out more about her and her life.

When I walked in, the room was filled with lesbians. I was THRILLED! I used to identify as such for ten years and really miss the energy my community at the time produced.

I sat for a time, then began talking to some of the women there. For a time I had anxiety about not being accepted, as this was my experience back in the day as a bi woman pretending to be lesbian, mostly. I hid in the community due to some of the beliefs that my friends had at the time.

When I discovered that I felt strong enough, I told them about myself a bit more and then it came out that I am poly.

For an hour, we talked about this. I responded to all their questions. We talked of the trial here in BC over the polygamy law. There was much confusion and misunderstanding, some stories of relationship dynamics that had gone awry, and I did my best to explain where I am and what I have learned.

My poor dear friend. Ha! She just took it all in. I will have to ask her what she thought. She is struggling as a lesbian to be out in her community about being poly. I am hoping I did poly enough justice to make her friends feel more at ease. :)
 
So, it's a week after breaking a boundary and things are settling. I have the hard task of telling Leo that I will not be able to sit close to him anymore, and that our "dates" will be constricted, with some very stern rules. I say rules, because there will be no fluid boundaries.

This is my choice. There is no reason to carry on the way we have been. I have to scale my relationship of nonsexual boyfriend back to friend.

I won't see him until March 3rd or something, so I have some time to prepare. I am sad and feeling like just shutting him out entirely. But that is not fair and just reactionary. Every day he sends a little message and I respond as cheerfully as I can, so as to not let on what is going on. I don't want him to worry. He is happy and feeling content, so I think he deserves to have that, for a time.

He will be mad that I didn't tell him sooner, but I can't seem to bring myself to, until I feel stable and when I can honestly say that Mono and I will be okay. That is his prime concern. I know that. If he thinks we are doing badly then he will be very upset. It's not worth it, I think.

PN was concerned about whether I wanted him in my life, and that our time would be divided even more tightly. When I assured him that it wouldn't, and that nothing had changed in that respect, he was okay. He was worried about Mono, but okay.

I don't think Derby is concerned at all about what I did. At least, she hasn't said as much, and we have talked about it lots. I asked her and she made some comments, but none that make me think she is worried about it all.

I know this might sound crazy to some, and I totally get that. Mono thinks that he will sound crazy to some also. But so be it. This is how it has to be. I have committed to my family's happiness, and it will not be happy unless I make a sacrifice. All I ask is to be respected for that. I don't require understanding, but acceptance and respect for taking one for the team.

I ache. I am sad. But I will get over it and life will go on. I don't always need to get my way. This is one of those moments.

I am reminded of the mono relationships I have had in the past. The feeling is eerily familiar. Then, I had no idea why I felt sad, but now I know. There is some peace in knowing.

For what it's worth, I strongly advocate for expansive love. Love multiplies when you give it away. I am not able to do that. But I believe in that and it is my true nature. I will find other ways to give, and have already. There are options. :)

This all makes me feel as if I am not worthy of writing on this forum anymore. I am in a monogamous relationship with three people at this point, poly-fi, after all. It will take me a bit to gain confidence in that. I am not comfortable yet with my place.

Please don't be hard on Mono. He is staying true to his needs and I respect him for that. I fucked up here, not him. I did it. I own it and I am being accountable.
 
I have the utmost respect for all of you. Life is all about making the best decisions that you can, at any point in time. And if anyone feels like giving any of you a hard time, I'd suggest that person just go jump in a lake. The difficult times you have been through will not be eased by judgment from others, but will be eased by support.

This forum is full of all sorts of people, with all different types of relationship structures and opinions and ideas. The idea is everyone is worthy of writing, eh? You may feel you are not worthy of writing. But that's a feeling, not a fact. :)

I would think everyone here has learned from you. Don't despair! I hope your comfort and confidence return to you with vigour!
 
Oh my my. Honey, don't you know you don't have to make yourself into the "bad guy" in order to not make Mono the "bad guy"?

You can take responsibility for making a choice that, while it did serve one or more of your "personal needs," didn't serve your life choice. But you don't need to demean yourself for it. You both (you ALL, actually) have different needs/thoughts/feelings/desires. Relationships are built upon compromise. ;)

I'm proud of you for sharing all of this. It's not easy to make yourself so vulnerable.

But honey, you aren't mono. Haha, I understand what you're trying to say, but it's a (no disrespect, just lack a good word) lie that you are giving to yourself in a sense of guilt and shame. You are quite simply-YOU. Nothing more, nothing less. You are doing the best you can, and sometimes that doesn't live up to the goals you have. That's ok. That means you can grow.

Hugs!

As for writing on here, read the last bit of Ari's thread. I think we well-covered that the dynamic of your relationship doesn't impact your right to write here, OR our desire for you to write (or for Ari or Mono or anyone else to write, for that matter).
 
I know! I get so frustrated that I can't make the emoticons I have in yahoo work here. I know there is a way, because Ari has the coolest ones, but I don't "get it" and I'm not energized enough to teach myself yet.


Mono-RP
XO

That's all I can say.
 
Good luck. It's hard sometimes when you make a decision you feel is best for everyone involved, and yet will hurt people (and might hurt you as well) until you can get over the changes brought on by said decision.
But it's good that you can listen to yourself and make choices that match who you are. And because we are fluid, our relationships should be, as well. We change, and nobody should be stuck in a situation due to who they used to be.

Good luck to all of you and I hope you will be happy in your new situation.
 
Since this is your blog and is therefore a support only thread, I doubt you'll get any "judgment" here. We all have to make the decisions that work best for us and our families.

However, if you wanted to start a thread or two on the open forum about transitioning to poly-fi from a more open relationship style, and also to address your new interest in following rules instead of having boundaries, I'm sure there would be interest.
 
Since this is your blog and is therefore a support only thread, I doubt you'll get any "judgment" here. We all have to make the decisions that work best for us and our families.

However, if you wanted to start a thread or two on the open forum about transitioning to poly-fi from a more open relationship style, and also toaddress your new interest in following rules instead of having boundaries, I'm sure there would be interest.

I reckon it would also be of interest, especially if that thread could also carry an absence of judgment. Most people here already feel judgment to a large degree, in our public lives. I find it's one of the biggest struggles. It would seem really unhealthy if any of us end up in a position where we are judging each other.

Magdlyn, the "however" in your statement seemed to suggest judgment would be ok somewhere else. I think I have probably misread it, or potentially the second paragraph could have worked well without "however."
 
PN was concerned that I wanted him in my life and that time would be divided even more tightly. When I assured him that it wouldn't and that nothing had changed in that respect he was okay... worried about Mono, but okay. Derby I don't think is concerned at all about what I did... at least she hasn't said as much and we have talked about it lots. I asked her and she made some comments but none that make me think she is worried about it all.

You're right. I'm not worried about what happened with Leo. What I do worry about is you and Mono and how the two of you are doing. I saw both of you right after it happened last week and neither of you looked terribly well. I also honestly see that in this point in both your lives you need each other.

For what it's worth, I don't see a bad guy in this situation, at all. You are both simply responding in a way that is your nature. You're both good people who want what's best for each other. Now that the desision has been made, I think it's just time to get back to living life. You'll tell Leo when the time feels right. There isn't a rush, since you're not seeing him for another month.
 
I reckon it would also be of interest. Especially if that thread could also carry an absence of judgement.

Most people here already feel judgement to a large degree...in our public lives. I find it's one of the biggest struggles.
It would seem really unhealthy if any of us end up in a position where we are judging each other.

Magdlyn - the "however" in your statement seemed to suggest judgement would be ok somewhere else. I think I have probably misread it, or potentially the second paragraph could have worked well without "however"

I'm not going to quibble over RP's use of the word judgment and my use of the word interest.
 
Hi RP,

No judgement here. I just hope that you and your chosen family are OK. You are always honest and have integrity, so you are in no way a fake anything. I have always enjoyed when you hit someone else (including me) with the honesty bat in your posts. You are a huge asset to this forum.
 
Thanks all for the words of encouragement.

I had a dream last night with some dom\sub content. I'm not sure what happened, but a change occurred in me. More to follow, if anything comes of it. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my feelings of disempowerment.

The thing is with this all is that it is more symbolic than about Leo. I don't know where that is going either. I am good with this. It just seems to be settling in like a symbol that I am owned by my partners, rather than involved with them as an equal. Stupid and untrue, but I think it's the feminist in me coming out.

Mags, a thread on transitions between mono to open or poly, from poly to poly-fi, and poly-fi to open poly is completely valid and worth discussing. Please feel free to start a thread on that. I would be interested in reading. Contributing? I don't know about yet.
 
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