Scared Monogamous Newbie

distraughtinNJ

New member
Hi, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a while now. He says he is poly. I am bitter and angry over it. I do not like his wife and I can't come to terms with this situation. How does a monogamous person fit into this? I really love this man.
 
Welcome and sorry for your troubles.

First off, did he tell you up front he was married and poly before you became involved? If you didn't know, he isn't the greatest at poly and basically had an affair with you.

Secondly..if you don't get along with his wife your level of relationship will be defined by that and probably limited. You can read my posts as I am in a similar relationship as far as the structure goes.

Hope you find some insight..I wish I had more time. Sorry for the short answer.

Keep smiling:)
 
No, we was leaving her in the beginning. Started to go to therapy to straighten this all out and realized he is Poly. I feel like I am in hiding because I am ashamed to tell anyone that I am dating and loving him and he is dating and loving me and staying with his wife.
 
Hi, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a while now. He says he is poly. I am bitter and angry over it. I do not like his wife and I can't come to terms with this situation. How does a monogamous person fit into this? I really love this man.

I don't feel like I have enough details to really understand your situation well enough to offer suggestions. "A while now" is too vague. You love him but really don't like his wife, which makes me really wonder what's going on there, but provides me nothing much to go on. You say you "can't come to terms with the situation," but aren't clear about WHY you can't. I think most of us reading this will want to know a good deal more detail about your situation before offering suggestions. What, in specifics and details, is troubling you? Do you want him to leave his wife and live monogamously with you? Is his wife aware of your relationship? Are you friends or lovers with this man? We don't know, yet.
 
Sorry, I am very scared about this whole thing. Yes, his wife knows about it from day 1. She says she is ok with it. He spends one night with her and alternating night with me. I love to be with him and do things with him. I do love him but also feel that he is not going to be monogamous with me then I am not enough for him or........I don't know. I hate being invited to a party out to dinner and he doesn't go with me because it is not my turn. I know one of my biggest problems is that I am worried about what everyone (friends, strangers, family) will think I am involved in this.
 
I do love him but also feel that he is not going to be monogamous with me then I am not enough for him or........I don't know.

All of the further details help us a lot to offer informed suggestions. Thanks!

First item: I feel (and think) that you need to spend some time exploring your enculturation in the popular conception of what love is. Apparently, up to now, you've simply lived with the "default conception" of love, which is the common assumption that loving more than one person means there's less love going on, and anything other than the dyadic model of love ("Just the two of us") amounts to "cheating. Period, end of story". Polyamorists don't buy into this myth of love, and most of us actually know that it is simply FALSE. It is perfectly possible for a person to love two or more people fully at the same time. That's a fact, and you have to discover whether or not you can accept such love into your life. That said, not all people claiming to be "polyamorous" are capable of loving two or more people, fully, at the same time. So you have to find out whether you think your partner is one of those, and can do that with you.

I know one of my biggest problems is that I am worried about what everyone (friends, strangers, family) will think I am involved in this.

As a man who has had only two long term love relationships, both with men, I'm quite familiar with the challenge of which you speak -- since same-sex love is another variety of love which many people don't understand or approve of. That said, I'd encourage you to have courage... and to worry less about other people's ignorant presumptions of superiority, etc. Find the couragious tiger in yourself, I'd say. Be strong. Don't let other people's ignorance dictate your options in life. It's YOUR life, afer all, which you must live.
 
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That said, not all people claiming to be "polyamorous" are capable of loving two or more people, fully, at the same time. So you have to find out whether you think your partner is one of those, and can do that with you.

Be strong. Don't let other people's ignorance dictate your options in life. It's YOUR life, afer all, which you must live.

Great words, JRM.

If I listened to many of my mono friends I wouldn't be in the incredibly loving relationship I have with Redpepper. How sad would it be if I let others decide how and who I love. That doesn't mean it isn't costing me a few friendships, but my own life is worth it:)

Definitely figure out his heart and intentions before opening up more within yourself and with others. Take a deep look into your own heart as well.
 
Thank you. If any other mongamous people out there are involved in a Polyamorous relationship would please share you coping strategies I would really appreciate it. I do not want to lose him. I connected with HIM and want to have a relationship with HIM. I did not sign on to have to have share him with his wife.
 
I did not sign on to have to have share him with his wife.

Um. Are you sure of that? Because it looks to me, from what you've said, that this is pretty much what is on offering.
 
Yes it is what is on offering and I am having a hard time dealing with that.

Probably, the only hope you have to deal with it well is to find out precisely, exactly, down to the nitty gritty emotional and conceptual details, why this is so "hard" for you.

And that's only the start! Then, you will have to stare it down. I mean, really look at it long and hard, and find out whether what you think and feel is, ultimately, true, good, and right.

Right now, odds are, you're just thinking and feeling what was implanted in you -- and most all of us -- while growing up.

Most everyone in this forum is grappling with that conditioning; and some of us are much further down the road than others.:eek:
 
Distraught - I might be able to help in some way, if nothing else than to tell you I have a similar quandary myself. I have other posts on here explaining more, but basically I have been momogamous but involved with a man for over a year who told me he was poly from the start, but TRIED to be mono with me for several months, could not, and now it is my turn to try his way.

First off, I am asking myself: What is love? What does it mean to be in love? What am I getting out of this relationship that it means so much? What exactly is wrong with my bf being with other women? What exactly am I afraid of and is that fear based on reality or fantasy?

Here are some answers I have pondered: Love is a reciprocal relationship between people where all parties get their needs met in regard to support, companionship, positive regard, attention.

I am still working on what it means to be in love...there are a myriad answers to this, same as there are many answers to the above question as well.

As to what is wrong with my man seeing other women....I come up short-handed on good answers there. My bf has been honest with me about who he is seeing and when. He has been respectful (mostly, although we have had many miscommunications too) of my feelings.

My one argument was STD's and that was resolved by his promise to be safe and communicate with his lovers before sexual encounters (that hasn't even come up yet though). But that doesn't make me entirely comfortable with the idea of him sleeping with other women, it helps though.

Other than that, I know that he loves me the same amount regardless of who he spends time with. But it is another thing entirely for me to live that knowledge, put it into practice, believe it.

We can't have someone's attention all the time. It seems to me like the most difficult hurdle you have already been dealing with: sharing him with his wife. If you can come to terms with the fact that he sleeps with you both that's a major accomplishment.

I understand your fear. It's about losing control. It's about uncertainty. All valid fears. But you can work through them if it's important enough. I have a long road ahead myself. But I am committed to exploring my own internal fears and insecurities. I hope things work out for you and please keep us posted.

Oh and as far as worrying what other people think - I started by edging around the subject with people I felt might understand and quickly realized that my friends and family were more understanding than I thought they would be. Some people, however, like my mother would not understand. I did mention to her my bf's decision and she was disgusted so I avoid conversations with her about it.
 
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I do not want to lose him. I connected with HIM and want to have a relationship with HIM. I did not sign on to have to have share him with his wife.

My understanding is that when you began your relationship he was in the process of leaving his wife. This implies you were prepared and intending to enter a monogamous relationship. If that is the case than I see his changing his mind as a breach of the expected dynamic and an extreme one at that.

If he follows through with rebuilding his marriage then based on your own statement you are probably not going to be healthy in this. Your choice is clear to me.

"I did not sign on to have to have share him with his wife".

Let him go.
 
My understanding is that when you began your relationship he was in the process of leaving his wife. This implies you were prepared and intending to enter a monogamous relationship. If that is the case than I see his changing his mind as a breach of the expected dynamic and an extreme one at that. [....]

Let him go.

Mono..., Don't you think the situation is a little more nuanced than that? :confused:
 
Mono..., Don't you think the situation is a little more nuanced than that? :confused:

I think there might be a tinge of denial in it. Nyx seams clear she does not like or want his wife's involvement. That is not sustainable in light of how much of him she wants I think. I am just concerned that people don't settle for some of what they want, poly or mono. Go for great, not good.

I know what living unfullfilled feels like. I don't do that anymore and I wouldn't want it for any one else.

That's all, but I can be pretty simple sometimes:)
 
JRiver- I have to agree with Mono. If she can look deep down into herself and say "This is worth it. I can do this." great. But, if not, or if she's "settling" as he puts it, she needs to move on.
You talk alot about how "conditioning" is why people feel they need to be mono and how it is "false" and can be "overcome". But it isn't false. And it isn't always about conditioning. Sometimes....people are just mono. Because that's who they are. Just as they are poly, gay, straight, bi, etc. And we can love more than one person, yes, but that love takes different forms. Maybe only one love can be romantic.

Distraught- It seems as if, if you decide to stick with him, you will have to share him. It doesn't mean he loves you less because he loves his wife. It doesn't mean that, given time and effort, you can't establish a more friendly and respectful relationship with his wife. And it doesn't mean your relationship with him is threatened-at least not in his eyes. What you have to do is basically what Nyx suggested. Take a good look at yourself, your emotions, your thoughts, and your relationship with him. Then decide if what you gain from it is worth what you feel you're losing. All relationships are compromise. But none should feel one sided or settled for.
 
JRiver- ....
You talk a lot about how "conditioning" is why people feel they need to be mono and how it is "false" and can be "overcome". But it isn't false. And it isn't always about conditioning.

I never said that monogamy, per se, is "false" -- which would be a plenty weird thing to say -- what could that mean? Rather, I said that the BELIEF that only monogamous (or pair-bonded, dyadic) love could be true love is false. And it is false, and that's a fact and not merely an opinion. Apparently millions of people are able to "romantically" love more than one person at a time and to have very happy and healthy polyamorous love. I keep repeating this fact in order to help counterpoise the nearly ubiquitous attitude which denies this reality by insisting that only dyadic love is "true love".

Monogamy, per se, is neither true nor false. It is monogam-ism which is false. Monogamism is the belief that only monogamous love is real and valid, and nonmonogamy is always inferior or morally wrong.

It may be true that some folks just aren't cut out for polyamory, in the sense that they simply cannot live and love this way. But I believe this is a changable condition, not a permanent one. I was myself once such a person. I changed. And I'm extremly happy that this change has occurred in myself. It's one of the most valued changes I've gone through, for I have learned many other things through the process, besides. And I feel that I much better understand what love is, because of it. True love isn't fearful and possessive, or jealous. Yet we all grew up with movies and tv shows and radio songs..., and parents, and friends, and churches..., saying that it is. Well it isn't! That, too, is false. Jealousy and fear and possessiveness... are symptoms of insecurity, doubt, and fear of lack. That's all they are. They surely are not symptoms of love. Love is much better without them.
 
That, too, is false. Jealousy and fear and possessiveness... are symptoms of insecurity, doubt, and fear of lack. That's all they are. They surely are not symptoms of love. Love is much better without them.

This is not meant to an argument but just another viewpoint that I hear from many.

Selfishness, neediness, and putting yourself first are also not symptoms of love and to a large number of people in the straight and queer communities that is what polyamory amounts to.

Wanting multiple loves/lovers can also be attributed to a degree of insecurity as well.

There are too sides to every coin.
 
Thanks to all of you. I had a visit to my shrink today and she, as well as I, want to know what the benefits are to polyamory that can convince a "conditioned mono".
 
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