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Old 03-13-2012, 04:46 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

Well, I hope we get to the root of our misunderstanding finally .

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
In a nut shell you didn't or don't get uncomfortable having back to back sexual encounters its the talking about the previous encounter that's uncomfortable. Right .
Right, that was what I was talking about.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I wasn't far off accident ?

Has this all morphed form the time you started thinking and talking about it or just came into focus?
The moment you suggested something that felt to be off point I was able to corner the root of my discomfort with what you said and the general situation at hand. What I understood your comment meant was expressed in this post:

Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Lastly: your first suggestion ... wasn't that far off, even though I got the feeling you are hinting in a different direction. No, I am not sleeping with each of them because I feel that it is fair to do so.
But you hit a point there. I think that I am still, in a strange way, in my mono-mindset about things that can be done or shouldn't be done.
2) I personally still know that it is hurtful if a partner sleeps and loves another. That is what I grew up with and even though I know that 1) has changed, I haven't adapted to a change of 2) as well. There is still a part of me that isn't able to think in 'poly-structures' and backs off if a situation comes up where I would have to fear (according to the old rules) overstepping a line and doing something 'not fair' to my love(s).
I know that this isn't the case concerning Sward and Lin, they don't feel that way, but as I am always the one 'on the other side' of everything, I am not the receiver, I am the one doing and not the one experiencing it, therefore I can't comprehend how they feel and still assume that they have to see things like I was used to see them back then.

It's one of my major faults: I always assume what others may think based on my way of thinking, my feelings in that situation and so on. I know that this is the normal process of empathy, but I tend to be unable to imagine other possible ways of coping and experiencing a situation and I always assume that I am right ^.^ Therefore there tends to be only 'my truth' and I can't accept that others may feel differently if I am convinced that my way of receiving things is the only 'reasonable' one. That's the main reason for the 'mono-mindset' when I think about reactions, thoughts and feelings of my two men.

That's why I think it is reasonable to say that the problem has been always there and may only really dissolve if I would ever be in the situation to experience what it feels like to have a metamour and experiencing 'sharing' a partner with someone. Did I ever mention that I tend to be stubborn as a mule with convictions once embraced? It's a real hassle from time to time with my mind.

The main reason for this confusion may be the nature of our relationship. We mingled mono and poly structures, there are many old things that are still true and there are many new things that are as well. Some seem contradictory, some exists peacefully next to each other. Problem is finding and eliminating the ones that are part of the monogamous-till-death-do-part-us-myth, that in a way never have been appliable to our relationship, which weren't detected by us because they didn't have any points in our everyday life they contradicted themself with. This changed the moment poly entered the picture. We are still in the process of figuring out, what our new 'truths' concerning relationships and the way to handle everyday life is. We will see where we are lead to and what we will discover.

Did this answer the question or are there new points I just made unnecessary complicated? I have to go right now, I will check in again later to confuse you even more
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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