Fluid bonding mistake

opalescent

Active member
I'm working through the consequences of a mistake SW and I made recently. I have so many thoughts and concerns that it's been hard to figure it out so I thought to start laying it and get some feedback. Y'all are good at that!

Long story short, through some epic miscommunication, we had unprotected sex. (Ever seen those disaster investigation shows on Discovery? Where 20 different things had to go wrong in a particular sequence so the plane went down? Yeah, it was like that.)

The back story is that SW and his primary girlfriend are fluid bonded with each other. I am de facto fluid bonded with Beloved (my wife and primary) although we didn't use that term. It is one of our agreements that we would only have protected sex with other people.

(This is the part where it might get TMI for some.)

Since I am now sleeping with men (I've recently become involved with another guy, Oil Man, but that is tangential) I decided to figure out my birth control options while relying upon condoms for birth control and STD prevention. I always planned on using condoms for STD prevention even after figuring out birth control.

I didn't want to use hormonal birth control options because my hormones have been messed up in the past. IUDs were not an option because, honestly, the fact that a string would hang out of my cervix squicks me out. I'm terrible at inserting things in my vagina like sponges or caps - I find it difficult to do, often painful and hideously inconvenient. I do not want children so I decided that sterilization would be a good option. As I did not want surgery, I decided to try a procedure called Essure where tiny coils are inserted into the Fallopian tubes, causing scar tissue to develop around the coils and ultimately blocking the tubes, preventing eggs from going anywhere sperm may hang out. The important point is that it is NOT immediately effective - it takes about 3 months to develop sufficient scar tissue. However, I was using condoms anyway - so not a big whoop for me.

To be continued...
 
Continued..

(This is potential TMI all over the place...)

My first attempt at Essure did not work because the gynecologist doing the procedure couldn't see the tubes, which meant she could not insert the coils. My uterus was 'fluffy' (this is normal during certain parts of the menstrual cycle-I've learned more than I wanted to know about my anatomy during this whole thing) which obscured the location of the tubes.

I told SW that the procedure had failed initially. After weighing some options, I decided to try one more time. The next try was successful.

I did not tell SW all about the ins and outs of my decisions on birth control because I was not sure what he wanted to know. I did want him to know my ultimate choices because since we were sexual, he was involved too.

We had a date several days after the successful Essure procedure. I told him that I was seeing someone new and that the Essure procedure had finally worked. (It was a very busy week.) He was happy for me about both.

We were intimate that night, really fun. He told me during pillow talk time that his primary was sorting through some issues and that they were not currently having sex while she did that.

I head home after our date and realized that I could not remember that little pause while he puts on the condom. I texted him to ask if I just hadn't noticed him putting on a condom. He called me back the next morning (the text was very late night) to say that he had not used a condom, he had asked me about not using one and thought I had agreed. And he was really sorry and wanted to talk.

I went over that night to talk things over with him. Turns out he thought that the Essure thing was immediately effective. I know I told him about what Essure is but I don't know if I ever said clearly that it takes 3 months to take effect. The first conversation about it, on the first failed try, was in a noisy, crowded restaurant - in retrospect, not a good location. The 2nd was in a car going to an emotionally fraught dinner with friends (a long unrelated story). At any rate, that crucial piece of information wasn't communicated properly. Plus, I figured he was fluid bonded with another, as was I, we were never going to have condom free sex anyway.

He had slipped into me, realized it and asked me if this was ok. I was in happy sex land and did not realize he was asking about not using a condom - I thought he was asking if the position was good, if I was happy, etc. Since I was, I said yes.

I am certainly responsible for my actions but lets just say that the brain was not driving the bus at that point. And yes I should have noticed, should have been paying more attention, but at that moment, I just didn't.

Because he is fluid bonded, because his relationship with his girlfriend is so important to him, because he was so careful in our previous times, it just never occurred to me that he would want to have bareback sex with me.

I had not discussed with him explicitly that Beloved and I are fluid bonded. Beloved and I had not talked about it using that term - more along the lines of always use condoms, be safe, etc. I did not want to use that term describing our situation to SW without going over it with Beloved first. In the course of all of our busy schedules, that conversation did not happen as quickly as it should have.
 
Continued, Part 3

So I may be pregnant (unlikely, yes, but possible). I won't know until early next month. It's possible that there may be STD issues - also unlikely but not impossible. He was tested in January and came out negative. I've been tested but won't know my results for a few weeks. (Did you know there is no HPV test for men? And that the only way to test women is through pap smears? Again, learned more than I really wanted to know...)

I'm freaked out about the possibility of pregnancy, even if it is very unlikely given my age. I'm very pro-choice but I also know that I am personally uncomfortable about abortion. I would never tell another woman what to decide but I just don't know if I could abort. But I've never wanted to be a parent - neither does Beloved. It's not high on SW's list of priorities either. So maybe adoption? But it bothers me that in a regular adoption, I would not be in the child's life. So open adoption - where I could be the 'aunt' and the child would know who is his or her 'bio' mom from a young age? What about the child knowing my parents? And that would mean that I would have to tell them about the poly thing - currently it's not something they need to know - how to tell them that their lesbian daughter is seeing men now but still adores her wife? I know the chances are low but these kinds of thoughts are keeping me up at night.

I'm less freaked out about STDs, maybe I shouldn't be but I'm not as worried. I really regret not having an explicit conversation with SW about this beforehand. (Oil Man and I are having the talk about this next time I see him.) He's tested negative and I tested negative for HIV in February and will see about everything else in a few weeks. I meant to go get tested earlier but we were using condoms and then life got crazy. My risks are really low - lesbianism helps here but no excuses, I was stupid.

Beloved is, to put it mildly, not happy. She was a sex educator for a while and STD prevention is really, really important to her. It keeps us safe for each other - this mistake betrayed our agreements. She loves me, we are not in any danger of breaking up over this but I feel like a shit. I can't fix this except by not doing it again and building up trust again. I screw up but I never make the same mistake again.
 
Take a breath. *breath* That really sucks.

The chances are unlikely that you are pregnant. I would think that there is more likelihood in these situations that you would get an SDI. You know this guy though; how his other relationships work, what he has done for protection in the past.... seems unlikely that he has anything to pass on. It's not like you picked someone up at a bar.

That is a highly unfortunate situation. It does happen however. Condoms fail also and there is risks there also... sex can be a risky business.

There is nothing really you can do except go and get tested a in a few weeks, check your period and make sure info is passed better next time...

Try not to be too anxious about it all. It likely will be fine.
 
Lessons learned and questions

So, damn this is long. Thanks for any responses after slogging through this!

So lessons learned.

I learned that I have to always take control of my birth control and std prevention at all times. Should I have known that already? Yes, I was dumb.

Pay fucking attention during sex. Don't drift into happy sex land entirely.

Don't make assumptions about others fluid bonding. Their fluid bonding may not look like yours.

Communicate even when you don't have time, even when it's awkward or weird.

Beloved loves me, even when I fuck up in spectacular fashion.

What I am struggling with.

Why would SW think having unprotected sex with me was ok? Even if I apparently agreed? It really bothers me that he would so casually break a promise - because for me that's what fluid bonding is - to keep each other safe as much as possible from disease and pregnancy. Because he broke a promise, so did I.

I know that he and girlfriend have a complicated relationship and they were not having sex at that time but, so? Fluid bonding doesn't go away when you are not having sex with that partner. I realize that he was likely in happy sex land too, and I seemed to agree that it was ok, so in the moment, he continued. I understand that it was probably not a completely conscious decision. Still I'm bothered.

I'm also bothered by the implications of why he broke fluid bonding. Like I said, it literally never occurred to me that he would want bareback sex with me. He was always really careful previously. So why now? He wasn't having unprotected sex with his primary and I seemed available, contracepted, and agreeable.

I've never felt like I was a substitute, sexually or otherwise, for his girlfriend. It is true that our dynamic has always included acknowledgment that we are sexually involved in part because our primary partners are not always available, because of distance on my part and complicated relationship issues on his. I have no problems being secondary in his life. This isn't a case where I want more emotionally from him, or want to change our dynamic. Until this incident, I have always felt that he wanted me for me, that our connection was about us. But now I wonder.
 
If he is so easily convinced to slip his cock into you unprotected, then who else is he doing that with. I would not be okay with this really. Should he not be a little more vigilant on his end? Is this a matter of "I'm a man, I don't need to worry. I put my cock in, it's her that takes my seed that needs to be concerned?" OLD SCHOOL! no way... maybe he needs a sexual health lesson. He has either missed something here or is uber sloppy. In which case that would be a deal breaker for me. I just get too wigged out by men that don't take safe sex seriously enough to protect themselves.
 
It's hard to know what SW was thinking. Maybe he thought the condoms were just for birth control and that you didn't need them anymore? Even if you told him it's your agreement that you wouldn't have unprotected sex, for some people "protected" only means "from a pregnancy".

While it was wrong of him in the heat of the moment to slip it in, he did ask if it was okay pretty soon, just in case. He wasn't clear enough, you weren't paying attention enough, mistakes were made. I think you didn't break your agreement any more than someone who was raped broke an exclusivity agreement (not saying you were raped, just that you didn't choose to have unprotected sex, it happened to you).
You had all reasons to believe he would slip on a condom as usual. Now you'll know to be more careful about that, but trusting him was reasonable.

Now, about the pregnancy option. Did you get a morning after pill? If you're not pregnant yet it can prevent it. They can have some effect for up to 3 days after the sex I believe (as it's the latest it can take to get pregnant, by then the sperms die). It's less effective the more time passes (because it doesn't work if you're already pregnant) but it can help if you still have time to do it.

Otherwise, I don't know what to say. I can totally understand your position (pro-choice, but not feeling able to get an abortion) but I think you should really consider the options if you do learn that you are pregnant. Would the child have a good life being adopted? Would you? Would the pregnancy have negative effects on your life? Abortion can be hard emotionally, but giving up a baby can be harder. Etc.

It's of course YOUR choice, but I think it might be worth thinking about it deeply, since the consequences will be forever.

Have a talk with SW if it hasn't happened yet, make sure you're clear now. Reiterate that you want condoms to always be used, and make sure to check it happens from now on. The only thing you can do now is make sure this doesn't happen again.
If you are pregnant, consider asking him if he would want to raise the baby with his girlfriend (or on his own), as that would be simpler than adoption and you could have a role in the child's life without being a primary parent.

Good luck!
 
If I were you, I would go get a morning after pill. And don't beat yourself up about this. Get tested for STIs in a few weeks and then three months later.

However, you made an error in judgment and this is important to examine. Honestly, I don't know how far gone you could be not to monitor the official dressing of the cock for the occasion - unless you were drunk or stoned or something. No matter how euphoric a sexual experience is for me, I always pay attention to that, so perhaps you need to learn how to stay present more and not let yourself get so lost. I mean, what about changing positions - don't you check to make sure the condom stays on when he pulls out before re-entering again?

Maybe it's a matter of self-confidence or assertiveness for you?

In addition, you should always have your own supply of rubbers and not be reliant upon the guy to put them on. I just bought a nice carrying case for mine to keep in my purse, and I always have tons handy in my bedroom. I am usually always the one to get them out and put them on the guy - I have impressed several lovers by my ability to do it one-handed (though it seems no big deal to me). It can be part of the sex play - don't leave it up to him!

Yes, lessons learned!
 
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Redpepper,

SW has never acted in word or deed like a man who thinks so little of women. I've met several of his exes, who all spoke well of him and are still friends with him. In fact, this was a major factor in my decision to date him. He just doesn't have a history of being irresponsible or dismissive in that "OLD SCHOOL" way. This is partly why I am bothered, it's so out of character for him.

Also I keep reminding myself that I'm probably not pregnant, that mistakes happen, to breathe and that it will be ok.

Tonberry,

I did take a morning after pill the next morning. So I've done all I can do to prevent pregnancy. I've been flipflopping between trying not to think about what to do if I am pregnant and mulling over different scenarios in my head. I'm not ruling out abortion definitively-just that I'm not comfortable with it. If I end up having to make this decision, it will be fully thought out.

Thank you for the words about unprotected sex happening to me. It was a different perspective I hadn't thought about.

Oh yeah, we had that talk. We're very clear now. This won't happen again.

I don't know if he would want to be a father. I don't know if I would drop a child into that relationship - they are not that stable together yet.
 
I head home after our date and realized that I could not remember that little pause while he puts on the condom. I texted him to ask if I just hadn't noticed him putting on a condom. He called me back the next morning (the text was very late night) to say that he had not used a condom, he had asked me about not using one and thought I had agreed. And he was really sorry and wanted to talk.

Call me a cynic... but this is suspect to me.

I just can't fathom being careless enough in life to "accidently" fluid bond... maybes it a lack of sleep but the "oops I didn't wear a condom and just came in you" story sounds like bullshit to me.

I have re-read this several times and I have even mentioned it to my wife... I am just blubbering at how... hell I don't even know.
 
I head home after our date and realized that I could not remember that little pause while he puts on the condom. I texted him to ask if I just hadn't noticed him putting on a condom. He called me back the next morning (the text was very late night) to say that he had not used a condom, he had asked me about not using one and thought I had agreed. And he was really sorry and wanted to talk.

Call me a cynic... but this is suspect to me.

I just can't fathom being careless enough in life to "accidently" fluid bond... maybes it a lack of sleep but the "oops I didn't wear a condom and just came in you" story sounds like bullshit to me.

I have re-read this several times and I have even mentioned it to my wife... I am just blubbering at how... hell I don't even know.

I agree, Ari. Truthfully, the whole story of how it happened is weird. To the OP, I've actually been pondering this scenario since I posted earlier. I don't mean to come off sounding like I'm being judgmental, but I am saying this out of concern: seriously, it is hard to comprehend on both sides. Saying, "Oh, I don't remember if he put it on...", as well as his excuse, both sound like teenagers kind of floundering to find a reason they did something they really wanted to do anyway. Not saying that was the case, but it is somewhat alarming. I've already posted about that aspect of it, though.

It actually scares me that one can be so absent from the process.

. . . lets just say that the brain was not driving the bus at that point. And yes I should have noticed, should have been paying more attention, but at that moment, I just didn't.

Not to make you feel worse, but this is cause for concern. I hope you look out for yourself and are more aware from now on.
 
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I made that mistake once, I'm not at all proud of it...still actually quite ashamed - But it did happen, and both he and I took responsibility for it. Did all the right things post mistake. We both came out clean and without an unwanted pregnancy.
Of course, it did cause some ongoing problems...as I don't think either of us fully recovered from it, in the sense of how silly we had been. I think the feelings of guilt really weighed heavily on both sides.

So, I understand how it can happen, it is a mistake for sure...but I've also been there. It was certainly a learning experience for me. Sounds like the OP is already feeling pretty down about it all.

Congrats on getting your lessons learned down. That's a good step
 
I'm going to take a different tack from some of the comments here: I can understand SW thinking (if you didn't make this 3-month lag clear to him [it's a birth control method I've never heard of before]): 'Well, she's safe from pregnancy, we've both been tested for STDs and AIDS (and we're both low-risk because of our normal safe-sex principles and practices), she was using condoms before because of the pregnancy risk, so that reason has disappeared...'

I would say that your 2 biggest mistakes were

a) not making it absolutely clear to him about
i) the fluid bonding (or whatever you want to call it) with your GF,
ii) the results of your STD tests not being back yet,
iii) the 3-month delay factor;

and b) not paying attention (but I can imagine how this might happen - from your point of view / responsibility).

The real sticking point for me is his breaking of his own fluid bonding. As you wrote, "Why would he do this?", and "it literally never occurred to me that he would want bareback sex with me". (And why did he wait until he'd slipped it in before asking: "Is this alright?" Sad to say, but some men do think with their dicks.)

Still, what's done is done, and I think that you should stop beating yourself up over it.

Positive points:
You're not pregnant. (yay!)
You've learned some important lessons. (hurray!)
You're going to have "let's get this absolutely clear" talks with both your men-friends (and - I would hope - any future sex partners). (yippee!)
This is not going to happen again. (loud cheers all 'round)

(There are some poor saps out there who never learn. Count yourself lucky on that score.)
 
kind words

MrFarFromRight,

Thanks for the kind words - and to everyone else who chimed in. Yep, learned all kinds of lessons. "Another fucking opportunity for personal growth" - I don't know the origin of that phrase but it's stuck with me lately.

And, yeah, breaking his fluid bond bothers me too. I'm going to talk to him about it next time I see him.
 
I've got a sad little story about safe sex / unsafe sex that has left a lasting wound (spiritual/emotional, not physical). [re-reading: warning! not so little!]

Back in the days before AIDS, I started a mono-relationship with C. I honestly can't remember the kind of contraception that she was using, but it was one that was a bother to her (the pill / health risks + cockeyed hormones? IUD / irritating string?) and not an "apply when applicable" one like condoms or a diaphragm. So when I told her that I'd had the snip, she was more than happy to call a halt to the method she'd been using.

And yes, I had been through the 3-month delay period and had been (more than a year earlier) back to the clinic to get my sperm-count: 0 check-up. (Testing for STDs was also no hassle: she worked, in fact, as a hospital lab technician and ran the tests herself).

I really liked C, but it soon became apparent (to me) that we were bad for each other as lovers. [One aspect: she was trying to turn me into someone I wasn't, and guilt-tripping me for not living up to her expectations.] So I broke up with her, but tried to stay good friends.

Before resuming safe sex practices (or - if it was the pill - before the effects became effective), she had what she later told me was a one-night-stand ("I was thinking of you while I did it with him")... and got pregnant. Both he and I counselled an abortion: she was single, already over-worked (working extra night shifts and weekends to keep her head above water financially), and with parents who would be "less than sympathetic". "Less than sympathetic": HAAA! She was scared to tell them until the 5th month and she had to because it was about to be visibly obvious. And then her father called her a whore.

My stance: I want the best for you and sure, an abortion's rough. But even rougher is going to be bringing up a child on your own in your present circumstances... or the heartbreak of giving a baby up for adoption.

His stance: ditto plus "I'm going through a divorce right now, and my still-wife must not get a hold of this ammunition to use against me. I will pay for the abortion, but can't go to the clinic with you, or support you if you should decide to have the child..."

As you'll know (from her father's reaction) she decided to have the child. Now come more complications:

a) She decided to go to a preparation for home birth class (once a week). They asked her to be accompanied by the father of the child (right out of the question) or a friend who was prepared to commit to going through the birthing process with her... and she asked me.

b) She was still in love with me and it hurt her a great deal when other people at the class referred (some obstinately, after being repeatedly corrected) to me as "your husband... well, then; your boyfriend... well, then: the father of your coming child... what? Oh, just good friends?... Well anyway..."

b2) I missed this one out: I started to feel guilty about M's getting pregnant: If I hadn't had the vasectomy, she would have continued using her long-range contraception method, and wouldn't have got pregnant by that one-night-stand... Silly, I suppose, but I can't get completely free of this.

c) I am what Marge Piercy in my favourite utopian novel Woman On The Edge Of Time [check it out for a polyamorous society] calls a "childbinder" and then some. Children are the most important aspect of my life, bar none. I would rather hold a sleeping baby in my arms than have the wildest night of hottest sex imaginable. It even beats dancing!

d) I also became a fanatic of home births.

e) I fell soooo in love with C's son - M - as soon as he was born.

f) C had told me that she would never leave her baby in the care of her parents (considering the way they'd brought her up and the attitudes they had). I was slated to be the #1 babysitter (and could well have become a co-parent... as far as I was concerned) and it was agreed that I would move into her flat for the 2 weeks after the birth to act as home help and interface with the problems of the world.

g) As soon as the baby was born (we're talking here about less than 4 minutes), C asked a friend to 'phone her parents to inform them that they were grandparents. They showed up ASAP, the father boiling with indignation and accusations (because, of course, she'd been too scared to tell them that she would be having a home birth)... and it was decided that the mother would be moving in temporarily to look after C and M.

h) I swear that I wandered back to my empty flat with a strong case of post partum depression. I felt gutted.

i) C has never allowed me to baby-sit M. At first she told me that this was because of our wide difference of opinions on child-raising. But I had my doubts, and years later she admitted that yes, the real reason was that she was jealous because I was so obviously in love with her son and no longer with her.

j) I witnessed C's workload increasing, leaving M with her parents for ever more weekends while she worked extra hours (extra night shifts, too).

k) I moved away from the city, but continued to visit them... and M wrapped my heart around his finger. What a personality! He was one of the 20 loveliest people I've ever known (over a course of more than half a century).

l) When M was 8 years old, C stopped all my contact with him... and I haven't seen him since then. (Though C showed me a photo of him at 17.)

That was 20 years ago... And I still miss him.
 
opportunity for personal growth

NYCindie,

I mutter it a lot to myself, not just for this particular travail. Gets the sarcasm in while reminding myself that, yes, this is how one grows.

MrFarFromRight,

Thank you for sharing that heartbreaking experience. I am so sorry you had to experience that.
 
NYCindie,

I mutter it a lot to myself, not just for this particular travail. Gets the sarcasm in while reminding myself that, yes, this is how one grows.

There's a quote someone said to me years ago, that I mutter to myself sometimes, and say with others who are grappling with ... the shit in life: "Don't let the bastards get you down!" Only it was told to me in Gaelic.

:)
 
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