To those whom I may write about here in my blog: this is my place to write my thoughts, anxieties, worries, joys, etc. It is my interpretation of our involvement together, whether it be virtual or real life, this is my journal so to speak. Please respect it as such and realize this is my "reality" even if it conflicts with your memory of your "reality".
I don't handle "breaking up" or "breaking off" a connection well. The reality is I have the "right" to decide whom I want in my life and whom I don't want in it. Same for them.
Disconnecting myself from Wolfe, I handled terribly. But the essence was that even though I felt a connection, able to chat etc, I wasn't feeling the connection I am truly seeking. I am sorry I hurt and offended you here. I only request you let it go and move on. Maybe I interpreted your words wrong or your intent wrong. I apologize for that.
To my metamour's spouse - there was no intent to hurt you. It was just an observation and a comparison of "issues" we were going through and how we were handling them.
Bassman - I love you silly goose. Yes I may write on subjects you don't appreciate here. Remember, it's a journal, anonymous where only those who know us will read this and if they judge, then do you need them in your life? We are children at heart, trying to be adults and learning the ways to make our new life, not even a year old, work and be fluid and happy and joyful all at the same time.
Wild Orchid - thank you for your empathy, your love and your compassion. I feel truly blessed bassman fell in love with you. When's our next date?
So last I wrote I had a sort of "epiphany" last weekend on dating and looking for love: are you ready?
At first I was "out" on okc looking for a lover but that's been such a challenge and hasn't really worked out. I realized why...at least since bassman started seeing wild orchid. I had been trying so hard, too hard actually, to have what they have together. I haven't been allowing myself to just be me, but actively searching, talking, exerting too much energy on guys who mislead me, telling me they are totally fine with poly, to only really discover, I'm just a fuck for them. And that isn't what I've wanted. So I tried harder weeding them out..with really no luck. Even chatting with poly guys has been a facade - I was trying so desperately to attain what has been unattainable. And like when we tried to have a kid...no luck...as soon as I said to myself "oh fuck it I give up"...I got pregnant. So I said "oh fuck, I give up on searching and exerting my energy...getting trained by interacting with others desperately wanting what isn't there and I'm tired of settling for not a perfect connection, but a possible connection".
That is all done and gone. And during this time of figuring this shit out about myself, I have stopped contact with Hook and have been in contact, daily, but not a lot of frequency with a poly guy 4 hours east of me, who is a Master (yes I have decided this is truly where my needs lie...my interest in kink and where I fall in the spectrum of bdsm).
Hook - he is a cheater. I spent the weeks between my first meeting him and my second encounter determining (he admitted to me when we first met he is married) if this is a path I wanted to journey on. Awesome the forum started having tons of posts on this specific issue. Charma is so true...
I asked him last time we met if he'd ever discuss opening his marriage with his wife. A flat, angry NO was said to me. He was hot, he was sexy but he was lying to his wife and cheating. Not for me...so I never contacted him again nor he me.
So what do I call this new ldr guy? Hmm...I could use his name from okc or fetlife, but we are no where to a committed relationship. I do know he's very interested in me, inviting me to visit, and invited me and bassman to his kinky campout this weekend (we did not go, bassman is working). During this amazing kinkster weekend he continues to text me which I think is absolutely awesome since when I first contacted him about my confusion of where I lay on the spectrum of D/s or Switch...he upfront stated he had no time for a full time slave. But his curiosity of me - from that one message on okc and me not texting him...he saw me love a few pics of his on fet and checked me out there. So that was around about the same time I started interacting with Wolfe. This new guy is not why I felt anxiety about meeting Wolfe, but my realization, that a relationship, based on our chats, with Wolfe was not what I want at this time in my life.
Which also relates to the concept of "communal" living. I described it to wild orchid as a three year old and the word "mine". My home, my space, my world...I'm not there yet if letting those "mines" go. I will be, again - felt this way in my teens and pre-marriage - but at my pace, my growth intellectually, emotionally and physically. I feel I've come quite a long way so far since the end of July and more so since October.
I've been rampant with thoughts of "how is this fair"? Things I've wanted to do for years and years, never done, with bassman and now he's doing them with wild orchid. How does one get over this? It's not competition but a feeling of "really, why can you do this now but never before". Bottom line - it's a money thing, silly money thing. We've never had the finances for such activities. And as I've grown in the last few weeks, I still get a niggling of jealousy or envy - they are different but so much the same - and realize this is just how it will be and I've accepted that. It's fair and it's not about who bassman prefers to do this stuff with, it's more a matter of just being able to. And for a couple, together for years, with kids..ranging many years in ages, we as a couple do not get this time alone with each other, hardly ever. And the benefit of poly - is those activities limited by parenting responsibility, can now be pursued with our other loves.
I actually brought this up when bassman told me their plans for monday. going kayaking - and guess what, lol, bassman felt I was upset...when we are working on tearing down those defenses of assumptions...no I wasn't upset but pointing out the fact I've wanted to do that since we started dating and telling me we'll do it sometime soon, well that's not what I was asking. That makes me feel second...but accepting that for both of us, we will do things/activities with other loves that we won't be doing with each other. Breaking that mold of monogamy and vows and promises we made many years ago. And that's okay...we've changed, we're poly and moving forward with acceptance and joy. Bassman, feeling defensive, said "you'll be doing bdsm stuff with this new guy" and he's right I will and won't be with him. And that was the point I was trying to make. That I had issues of their activities and not getting to do them with him. Finally agreement and the ability to move forward as poly peeps.