little quirks, that's me

Hope that back is getting better! Cool you are having fun with the young dudes in addition to Bassman and Wild Orchid:)
Thank you for asking!

My back was back to normal Monday this week. And that's partly due to a 6 hour road trip to Olympia for a soccer tournament on Friday and a little over 5 hours heading back home on Sunday night (yeah I'm a speed demon:D...I drove back home since I took Monday off and bassman had to work at 6:30 am...didn't leave Oly until 7pm).

So Monday...took princess to daycare (they charge me whether she goes or not) and just did absolutely NOTHING but relaxed and napped all day long. That is what my back needed. I was so exhausted, I wanted to update my blog, but just couldn't get myself into it. I did post on a few threads...but just not in a mental place to think about everything that I wanted to share.

So teen's team took second in their division. Friday they won 5-0 (if they had lost they were done and everybody would have headed back here to N Idaho except for us...visiting and staying with my mom). Saturday it was tied 1-1, so it went into PK (penalty kicks) and they won by 1! That was quite intense. And Sunday was the finals...tied 1-1, went into 5 minutes OT halfs, still tied 1-1 and finally PK's...lost by 1 :(.

But the girls I believe felt some sort of redemption Sunday. They've played that team 3 times in the last month. First time was a morning game and lost 0-2. Later that day, played them again and lost 0-8. And for the qualifies for this tournament, lost to them 0-2. So yeah...they didn't get first but did show that even with having a coach who quit on them 2 weeks prior and having one coach at practices but 2 different ones at this tournament...they are pretty awesome soccer players.

Being back in Oly was fun...as it was Art's Walk...will need to ask Kevin if he and his V checked it out at all. Okay...I'll leave adult time in downtown Oly for another post.
 
Well mechanic had me over Friday night. We had sexy times right away. It had been since Feb when we last met up. But, this time was different for me. I really enjoy having sex with him. But I am not stimulated intellectually. Yet I do enjoy his mellowness. For being on the brink of 23, he's very laid back. This time I was the one to fall asleep first. Cuddling was nice and him waking when I had to leave and asking me to text him when I got home was a change. I don't anticipate experiencing NRE with mechanic. Appears that was killed many months ago.

Hook was to meet me late last night. :( Last minute he couldn't get away. And maybe it's Hook, how he says things to me, almost worship like of a goddess, that's got my panties in a tither which affected me when I was with mechanic. There is definitely a difference between 20 years and one year for me.

And Hook, starting at midnight Friday throughout all day yesterday he took selfies (only one R rated pic) and sent to me. Boy is he gaga. Well today will be 4 weeks since we met. Keeping my fingers crossed he is able to make time for me today before he heads out of town tomorrow.

Finally, I've been messaged by a poly guy on okc. I have had a few in the last 7 or so months but a few have been to be some sort of "unicorn" for them, the couples, and that one dude I met, who got angry at me when I just bluntly told him I wasn't attracted to him. Been thinking about it. I was physically attracted, why I agreed to meet, but the personality, just lacking. Then when he started telling me about his soon to be ex, his cheating, that he could be poly but might not be...and the final straw...asked me if I'd have his kid...that blew it for him.

Yet I've been yearning to meet a poly guy. These single or dadt married guys, well they say they get it, but I'm not sure they do. So this cutie poly naturalist (yeah :D) contacted me on Friday on okc. Did mention the distance. Post Falls to Seattle is about a 4-5 hour drive, but less than one by plane, and wanted to get to know me more as he found me quite attractive. He also said when and if there is a connection and if we want to meet, he'd come visit me.

I replied back and gave him some info on me. He's planning to write back tomorrow he said this morning. Sounds like it's going to not be a short little message. He sounds great actually. We have an 87% match, 11% enemy and we both 5 starred each other. He's been poly since he was a teen. He plays the drums...bonus since bassman plays the bass (potential guy bonding as well). He wants to be a naturopathic doctor (is in school) and owning a sustainable, holistically operating farm. This coincides with what wild orchid, her hub, basssman have been discussing on communal living (I'm not 100% on board with this at this time in my life) some point in the future.

I don't mind ldr, but it has to be a sustainable ldr. Meaning, for me, that we commit to communicate with each other, continue to get to know each other and set aside time during the week to do face two face time either via skype or yahoo. And I can't be the only side trying to keep the interaction going (as what happened with wonderboy). I truly do loose my interest if it is not reciprocated.

Speaking of that...I sent Hook a text on Thursday just telling him "just let me know if you don't want to see me, it's fine". His immediate response (nothing like getting a guy to get back to you right away instead of when ever) was "Why do you say that? do I give off that impression"? My response back was and it was true...felt physical stuff like a weird coldness, kinda hard to explain..."No I just got a weird feeling today. I'm so into you. Guess seeing you delete our conversation on POF kinda weirded me out". He said back "I dig you :D your a good woman too! No worries gorgeous, i've just been on the go 24/7. you could send new pics tho ;) lol. I love to marvel at your body. yummy".

So I just need to patient with Hook and accept that this potential relationship will be random meetings and will be a long road ahead of us. No NRE but definitely a huge potential to be one I'd love at some point in time. He still gives me pitter patters and when he sends me selfies...I'm just all gaga.:p

I need to give up redbulls. Had a major headache this morning. Or as I read on some other threads...periomenopausal (guess I could google the correct spelling but I'm sure someone will post it for me)...or it's allergies or who knows. Not sure about the pre-menopause since I have the mirena iud in and had my last period (regular to the day since it was put in in August) in January. I did have light one hour spot bleeding last month, but that's it. Kinda nice actually. Went in a few weeks ago to get the string snipped a little. bassman has been able to feel it and hook noticed it too. What was weird after having it snipped, is I was really sensitive on my cervix for a week. Sex was mildly painful...just the wrong direction in a thrust and it was an ouch. Much better this week though. The headaches...I had been thinking it was allergies and maybe it is. But today was bad..and as soon as I had three sips of my coffee, viola gone. I am drinking more water but still not as much as I'd like.

There is so much I want to do but don't seem to have the time. That will free up here soon as the Teen's soccer practices change and become regular. She has a fitness plan for me and her and we both would like to get it going and soon. I wish our gym was open longer than it is. We didn't go to a 24 hour one (maybe we should have) but to our local Kroc Center. They have childcare, swimming, teen play room, huge basketball courts, etc and to have a family of 5 as members is $63 a month. Can't beat that anywhere and even to just have one or two memberships elsewhere it'd cost us more than that.

Next obstacle to attack is time management. I think the best way to start is get the school calendar down and utilize that at first for a "big picture visualization". Then we (the teen, bassman and I) can figure out our true free times.

Had a great chat with wild orchid yesterday. It's interesting, if bassman brings up "communual living" my defenses go up and I feel "pressure" about to come from him. When talking about it with her...I can be completely honest about my hesitation and realization that I am at a "me mode" (gave the description of how a 3 year old is all about "mine") and that as far as my living environment, I'm thus said 3 year old. It could be a possessive "mine" but I think it's a my home, my world, my solitude place where I don't have to worry about others besides my kiddos. My sanctuary actually. I'm not ready to give that up. Funny...over 20 years ago...had we known we were poly and met other who wanted to communal live...I would have jumped on it in a heartbeat. I don't think my intrinsic values have changed, but that I've gotten set in my ways. And as I know for a fact: When one is forced to change whether it's a way to prepare a tax return (going from paper preparation to paperless), changing jobs, moving to new homes, etc, it takes awhile to accept the change is needed but in the end....that change was so much more effective/beneficial.

Today is share the laptop day. Teen needs to write an essay and I have some work to make up. I have so much I want to write today too. There's plenty time for that.
 
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...periomenopausal (guess I could google the correct spelling but I'm sure someone will post it for me)...

It's "perimenopausal"...very close :D. And the Mirena IUD is a fine way to ride out the period weirdness that goes along with it. (i.e. no, or very light, periods instead of random bleeding that can be lighter or heavier that usual and keeps its own schedule).

I'm very much enjoying your blog! So much going on, and such a level-head about it...thank you for sharing.

I have a lot of (unrealized) ideas about my ideal of communal living - which involves ideals about personal items/space and shared items/space. (i.e. I don't care if my extension ladder is "communal" - my vibrator belongs to me ... and can only be used by invitation. Anyone can cook in the kitchen but only my "circle" can sleep in my bed...etc.). My home is my sanctuary as well - but I can define my "home" as circumstances arise.
 
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words: comperting - made it up in the shower when I was thinking about bassman's plans to go camping with wild orchid for her birthday. It's the act of compersion.

I had another one...made up (learned that from my High School Shakespeare class - we created words and wrote stories with those words) but it's escaped me now. Maybe I'll remember it the second I close my internet.

Life is good...lots of comperting going on, all the way around. Bassman had a break through with me...read me an email he sent Wild Orchid Friday night (the night I had an overnight date with the mechanic). I could sense his struggle but he didn't ask to discuss before I left. He wrote to wild orchid (she was out of town, so made his struggle a bit harder) (not exactly what he read but my recall) that he was struggling with me heading to the mechanic's and usually when he's with her he believes he'll have no issue of me seeing someone. He found out that he does have issues but has now discovered writing it out helps him process and was much loving to me when I came home the next day. So I'm not the only one in this V who encounters "issues". Kinda feels nice actually that I'm not emotional crazy lady here.

So overnight date with mechanic happened was on Friday and a brief encounter with Hook occurred Sunday. I did share a pic of him with BlueBird on fb. He is very intense. Sad though, he is going into the fwb category. I need a consistent relationship with another. And...possibly will be meeting a poly guy (26 years old) in the next few weeks, I call him Wolf. The poly guy from Seattle. We've been talking since Friday last week...and it is so refreshing to actually have a real conversation and not just trying to weed out the guys who want a milf or feel like I have an okc profile because my husband doesn't satisfy me sexually (lol bassman does a marvelous job of satisfying me).

Ok...I was just going to post my created vocabulary...I get sidetracked the second I start typing, don't I? :D
 
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Wolf is coming to visit Memorial Day Weekend and guess what? It's going to be a polycue with kids camping retreat. It'll be our first time meeting and he'll basically be as wild orchid said in a text to me "baptism by fire". Not only will he be meeting me for the first time, but we'll be spending a weekend with bassman, wild orchid, her hub and her hub's girlfriend and with kids from all of the V's. :D
 
It's "perimenopausal"...very close :D. And the Mirena IUD is a fine way to ride out the period weirdness that goes along with it. (i.e. no, or very light, periods instead of random bleeding that can be lighter or heavier that usual and keeps its own schedule).

I'm very much enjoying your blog! So much going on, and such a level-head about it...thank you for sharing.

I have a lot of (unrealized) ideas about my ideal of communal living - which involves ideals about personal items/space and shared items/space. (i.e. I don't care if my extension ladder is "communal" - my vibrator belongs to me ... and can only be used by invitation. Anyone can cook in the kitchen but only my "circle" can sleep in my bed...etc.). My home is my sanctuary as well - but I can define my "home" as circumstances arise.

Jane - thank you for the word correction. And thank you for reading. At times I feel like a drama queen...but that's the conversation in my head before I speak to any one person in person.

I agree with the "mine" concepts you posted above. I think for me as long as I have "my space", I'll be plenty happy no matter what my home environment entailed.
 
Wolf will be coming to meet me next weekend instead of memorial weekend. I'm glad too. I prefer my first time meeting one where we can actually have one-on-one time together.
 
So last weekend I had some emotional trauma that began Friday night and escalated Monday evening. I have discovered I am vulnerable to degrading tones and anger directed at me. What I've worked so hard not to give into I did, I threw punches and hated myself immediately afterwards for succumbing to animal internal instincts. I have no idea if it is nature or nurture: was I born with the quick angering reaction or is it learned, learned from my maternal side? I grew up with violence and in relationships would get angry and upset but until I dated my husband, the physical reacting side was always held at bay. Over the years I have learned to not go that route, although, here and there, I do go off the wagon, so to speak. To me reacting with anger is no different than an alcoholic or a drug addict. I had seen a psychologist back in 2001 since I had a break down and ended up in a mental hospital. That time I directed the anger, the pain and violence towards myself. I warned bassman if he took me to the ER I will be taken away. He didn't believe me. But it was good I did go away, only briefly. I spent two nights there, arriving on Monday around midnight and was released, probably too early, Wednesday morning. I was diagnosed with possible borderline personality disorder. Yep "possible", not quite but maybe this is what is wrong with you. On top of that, due to a short split between bassman and I (he had moved out a week beforehand bad stuff kinda happening - him almost cheating and me, I was still continuing an infrequent affair with a former co-worker--I quit the job to further my career rather than working as a bookkeeper in the basement of a restaurant in Portland OR) that wasn't the last one for us (none since 2002 actually), the doctor's in the mental hospital said I was grieving, grieving at what my heart and mind considered the end of my marriage. There's more on my side of things but that's for another day. I refuse to bring up the old to excuse the new, for me and for bassman.

So I hit him in the face once and a few times on his chest/arms. Once I calmed down, it felt to me like I completely gave into manipulation. The tables were turned on me and all of a sudden I was the bad guy, by asking for help in a public forum. I aired our dirty laundry and was "criminal"-those words were never said to me, but what was made me feel "criminal". That's the problem with the old, established couple - they know each other so well, so well the instant a lie is told the other knows it, so well, that fucking with them is easy when emotions are fraught, the heart is torn in two and the mind, the mind is weak.

Tuesday he went on his overnight with Wild Orchid, Wednesday we were able to really talk and discuss. I finally found the words in me, the words I had been trying to say all these months I had been struggling, the words that woke him up from the defensive wall of nre to realize I was right and we did need some fixing since a part of us was and is broken:

"...it's just that (where standing outside on the porch) ever since last summer, we were really talking, sharing so much of our hearts and minds (ok this may not be word for word exactly what I said, but it's as close to being able to really clearly writing what was said) that ever since you started dating wild orchid, we don't talk about "us"...it's like there is no more "us".

He got up from the chair, walked to me, hugged me big and deep, apologized and said "You're right".

Whew (forearm wipes off forehead)! Finally...and I apologized for not being able to really say what I have been trying to explain all this time. He read my list of what's wrong with us on Thursday and agrees with most of the 13 things (except only showing me attention through sexual displays). So it's now two Sundays from the yucky Friday and a lot has changed.

During this whole time, even that Friday night, I had been chatting with Wolfe. He'd ask me strange questions and although I'm into healthier to ourselves and the planet living, he has a medical condition (no name for it) were elctromagnetic things affect his heart, asked what I felt were too many questions about my teen daughter that I had never been asked before by any potential date (actually never really asked about a specific kid of mine ever) and we did discuss co-habitation (he asked it and was the one to bring it up) and I explained it wouldn't be for quite some time after "falling in love" that I would even consider the idea. I got the feeling from him based on history he told me that he tends to find couples to live with. I don't even think he realizes he might do that.

So this weekend the plan was for Wolfe to arrive on Friday, bassman would take princess and pnutt to wild orcid's home for the weekend, teen was to stay the night at a friends (she never did follow through with that) and I'd have my home free to really get to know this person. Then Thursday comes and all day, I'm feeling anxiety. Told bassman in a text and he thought it was just nervousness but it wasn't. I finally realized, trust your gut lady. I yahoo'd Wolfe to tell him, in a nice, friendly way (I hope) that basically I didn't think he should drive 6 hours to meet me the next day. Tried kindly to not come right out and say "I think you're a hypochondriac and I don't have the energy to be a "care taker" (a question he had asked me the day befoe). Well as typical with rejection, he questioned me about some of my answers and tried to put me on the spot (another indication not a person I want to be in a relationship with) not realizing as we came closer to meeting I told him we'd have to first meet somewhere outside of my home. His response "i'm not driving 5-6 hours to just turn around". This was a HUGE red flag for me.

The outcome of Wolfe - in discussing with Bassman, I want as well as he, for me to tell him about the guys I'm talking with, maybe what we're discussing (yes this was the first that wasn't all about sex so I felt yeah...a cool dude {and he probably is, just not boyfriend material}. Oh another thing, when I told Wolfe that at this time, with what I've been going through emotionally with my relationship with bassman, that I felt it healthy for me to not start something new, something serious. The response to that "That's not very poly". Good gawd, really? Is it an age thing that elicits that type of response? Trying to make me justify whether I am poly or not. Remember Wolfe is 26. I don't believe or have seen proof in anything in life there is always one right way to do something (i do admit i am guilty of this way of thinking regarding dishes, house cleaning, how to do taxes but as far as relationships, we're each individuals with different QUIRKS that don't allow for a 1984 George Orwell reality. And that one way of being, it didn't even work in that novel either because we are individual free thinking beings).

So Friday we kept the plans of going to Wild Orchid's (bassman didn't do his Thursday overnight) in play. She and I text'd most of the dealing with my needs, what can be done for me to feel whole. Gawd I get sidetracked a lot. But that's also because life is so intertwined that one things affects another (as in wild orchid's hub causing her hurt, which she made a request of bassman, who in turn made a choice not to discuss with me and decided in that moment to not tell me the truth and worry the fuck out of me all night that Friday night) so even as I write I'm still as "circular" in my thoughts as I was in college.

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She and I also discussed the goals of when she'd pickbup bassman and pnutt from the house and then princess from daycare on the way out of town (remember they live about 45 minutes from us, wild orchid and her family). Pnutt was struggling with being away from me for the night, a bit in tears. Guess What? He's still there today even though dad and sis came home yesterday. So wild orchid's husband's girlfriend and her two boys (one close to pnutt's age) moved in with them some weeks ago. Pnutt was having a blast and wild orchid's, or one of them, best friend stayed over with her 10 year old daughter. So Pnutt had some awesome bonding time with young ones and wild orchid too. I love that she loves my family, love me even if I've been a freak at times.

Poor princess, she was missing her bro so much. Kept telling me to tell wild orchid to bring him home. So awesome though, to see how much my children love each other, love their dad, love our new friend and her family and me too. :D

This left the teen and I alone for the first time in a long time. Definite mom and daughter bonding time. We went and worked out at the gym (I haven't been since November-surgery in Dec, working too much in Feb to mid Apr) for 1.5 hours. Next we decided to go out to the awesome Capone's in Post Falls. Usually bassman and I would go there during tax season on our date night (there are two other locations in the area, we'd check out the Coeur d'Alene - CDA -one too). My girl and I are so goofy. Parking lot is full so I drive around looking for a spot on the street for parking, zilch. We take off down the road to head to the CDA one and realize, lets just turn around and head back. We get a sweet parking spot, walk in and the hostess (they don't have them sun to thurs) gets us a table immdiately. Teen and I talk and laugh, I drink two margarita's on the rocks and since I'm a light weight, she drives us home! We watched some SuperNatural until we both were falling asleep. She had the last soccer game of the spring season (club soccer) the next morning. It was strange, just quiet and calm in the home. I really needed that.


Right now I am healing, feeling a bit happy about my life as far as changes that have occurred even with the pain that brought them about. Bassman and I are working on our "weaknesses" and "strengths" too. Today wild orchid is returning pnutt and that worked great since she and I made a date to spend one-on-one time with each other. She just texted that this "co-habitation" (she is co-habitating with hub's girlfriend's family) is great for her lawn (they have a large in ground pool and hot tub...big property). So all-in-all a great weekend for all in what this new family (as I am starting to consider wild orchid's) dynamic is evolving to. I won't be moving nor will I move my kids right now, at least for over two years. I refuse, unless it's for an awesome paying job, to move teen before high school graduation (3 Junes from now) and depending on how pnutt is doing in school and has friends, I don't want to move him to another home, location. I just think about how my brother turned out...a bit off, a bit in jail, hanging with the wrong crowd, being with a friend who killed someone...just not ready to fuck with a soon to be teen boy's life that much. And it happened to bassman, getting moved around that age (no killings or anything with him, do realize my brother is an extreme case).

Me and dating - for now I still have my okc profile up but am not actively looking anymore. I will update in a new thread my realization on dating and looking for love soon.
 
To those whom I may write about here in my blog: this is my place to write my thoughts, anxieties, worries, joys, etc. It is my interpretation of our involvement together, whether it be virtual or real life, this is my journal so to speak. Please respect it as such and realize this is my "reality" even if it conflicts with your memory of your "reality".

I don't handle "breaking up" or "breaking off" a connection well. The reality is I have the "right" to decide whom I want in my life and whom I don't want in it. Same for them.

Disconnecting myself from Wolfe, I handled terribly. But the essence was that even though I felt a connection, able to chat etc, I wasn't feeling the connection I am truly seeking. I am sorry I hurt and offended you here. I only request you let it go and move on. Maybe I interpreted your words wrong or your intent wrong. I apologize for that.

To my metamour's spouse - there was no intent to hurt you. It was just an observation and a comparison of "issues" we were going through and how we were handling them.

Bassman - I love you silly goose. Yes I may write on subjects you don't appreciate here. Remember, it's a journal, anonymous where only those who know us will read this and if they judge, then do you need them in your life? We are children at heart, trying to be adults and learning the ways to make our new life, not even a year old, work and be fluid and happy and joyful all at the same time.

Wild Orchid - thank you for your empathy, your love and your compassion. I feel truly blessed bassman fell in love with you. When's our next date?

So last I wrote I had a sort of "epiphany" last weekend on dating and looking for love: are you ready? :D

At first I was "out" on okc looking for a lover but that's been such a challenge and hasn't really worked out. I realized why...at least since bassman started seeing wild orchid. I had been trying so hard, too hard actually, to have what they have together. I haven't been allowing myself to just be me, but actively searching, talking, exerting too much energy on guys who mislead me, telling me they are totally fine with poly, to only really discover, I'm just a fuck for them. And that isn't what I've wanted. So I tried harder weeding them out..with really no luck. Even chatting with poly guys has been a facade - I was trying so desperately to attain what has been unattainable. And like when we tried to have a kid...no luck...as soon as I said to myself "oh fuck it I give up"...I got pregnant. So I said "oh fuck, I give up on searching and exerting my energy...getting trained by interacting with others desperately wanting what isn't there and I'm tired of settling for not a perfect connection, but a possible connection".

That is all done and gone. And during this time of figuring this shit out about myself, I have stopped contact with Hook and have been in contact, daily, but not a lot of frequency with a poly guy 4 hours east of me, who is a Master (yes I have decided this is truly where my needs lie...my interest in kink and where I fall in the spectrum of bdsm).

Hook - he is a cheater. I spent the weeks between my first meeting him and my second encounter determining (he admitted to me when we first met he is married) if this is a path I wanted to journey on. Awesome the forum started having tons of posts on this specific issue. Charma is so true...

I asked him last time we met if he'd ever discuss opening his marriage with his wife. A flat, angry NO was said to me. He was hot, he was sexy but he was lying to his wife and cheating. Not for me...so I never contacted him again nor he me.

So what do I call this new ldr guy? Hmm...I could use his name from okc or fetlife, but we are no where to a committed relationship. I do know he's very interested in me, inviting me to visit, and invited me and bassman to his kinky campout this weekend (we did not go, bassman is working). During this amazing kinkster weekend he continues to text me which I think is absolutely awesome since when I first contacted him about my confusion of where I lay on the spectrum of D/s or Switch...he upfront stated he had no time for a full time slave. But his curiosity of me - from that one message on okc and me not texting him...he saw me love a few pics of his on fet and checked me out there. So that was around about the same time I started interacting with Wolfe. This new guy is not why I felt anxiety about meeting Wolfe, but my realization, that a relationship, based on our chats, with Wolfe was not what I want at this time in my life.

Which also relates to the concept of "communal" living. I described it to wild orchid as a three year old and the word "mine". My home, my space, my world...I'm not there yet if letting those "mines" go. I will be, again - felt this way in my teens and pre-marriage - but at my pace, my growth intellectually, emotionally and physically. I feel I've come quite a long way so far since the end of July and more so since October.

I've been rampant with thoughts of "how is this fair"? Things I've wanted to do for years and years, never done, with bassman and now he's doing them with wild orchid. How does one get over this? It's not competition but a feeling of "really, why can you do this now but never before". Bottom line - it's a money thing, silly money thing. We've never had the finances for such activities. And as I've grown in the last few weeks, I still get a niggling of jealousy or envy - they are different but so much the same - and realize this is just how it will be and I've accepted that. It's fair and it's not about who bassman prefers to do this stuff with, it's more a matter of just being able to. And for a couple, together for years, with kids..ranging many years in ages, we as a couple do not get this time alone with each other, hardly ever. And the benefit of poly - is those activities limited by parenting responsibility, can now be pursued with our other loves.

I actually brought this up when bassman told me their plans for monday. going kayaking - and guess what, lol, bassman felt I was upset...when we are working on tearing down those defenses of assumptions...no I wasn't upset but pointing out the fact I've wanted to do that since we started dating and telling me we'll do it sometime soon, well that's not what I was asking. That makes me feel second...but accepting that for both of us, we will do things/activities with other loves that we won't be doing with each other. Breaking that mold of monogamy and vows and promises we made many years ago. And that's okay...we've changed, we're poly and moving forward with acceptance and joy. Bassman, feeling defensive, said "you'll be doing bdsm stuff with this new guy" and he's right I will and won't be with him. And that was the point I was trying to make. That I had issues of their activities and not getting to do them with him. Finally agreement and the ability to move forward as poly peeps.:p
 
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Well apparently my blog was utilized by Dude in trying to sabotage bassman & wild orchid's relationship by dude. Yep that's right. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined what I wrote here would be outed to any one I had not shared I felt comfortable with them reading my inner thoughts nor that my struggle with poly would be used against my metamour or my love.

My blog was shared to my metamour's adult children in some childish attempt to guilt wild orchid, through their kids, to break up with bassman.

I was apologized to but don't know if its genuine. The apology came late last night. Wild orchid discovered this yesterday, but this act of violation, was done weeks ago.

Remember back when I was really struggling? That's when I was in frequent contact with dude. My comperting started to return as soon as I cut off communication. I am in a happy place a lot since then.

The last few days I started thinking the what if's. Like, had I not cut off communication & hung out at their home (putting myself in a situation I knew would be hard for me if PDA occurred) would these shenanigans happened? There's much more than Trust violations that has been happening (not bassman but DUDE for his transgression) but a total whirlwind of losing one's shit at a birthday party and the catalyst of bassman fucking up, was dude. NOTE bassman takes 100% responsibility for that behavior chosen as well as I do.

The reality of a W is the poly math even affects the outside ends.

Sunday I invited wild orchid to dinner. I made red sauce with angel hair pasta. We watched a movie. It was fun times. They went for a walk. Then I got annoyed at how long they were gone, started thinking too much of that one night and let it be known i started struggling. I'm getting there but am not quite 100% there.

I know wild orchid needs extra love and support. Frick its their 24 year anniversary next week and this is going down-insecurity, fear of abandonment from dude. I just realized my new issue is not jealousy or even envy but fear that any one on one time with bassman is getting eaten up by the drama in that V dude-wild orchid-bassman relationship.

Last night we had wild orchid over after her yoga class ( she's over in this area taking this class with good friends). It was a wonderful night. No weirdness. Ladies received foot massages. Nature entertained us with lightening, thunder and rain. Normally they do Monday overnights at her place (remember dude's girlfriend moved in there). But bassman had to reschedule for work reasons. They are doing there overnight tonight & its a mystery where...since her home base isn't bassman friendly. Actually I know where but its my secret. :D

In my love life. There's a local guy on Okc who wants to meet. I'm not sure yet. I sincerely am not feeling the energy in persuing a third relationship. New ldr D/s guy will be meeting each other in 3 weeks. He's 4 hours away. That's much closer than Seattle. I've discussed my hard limits, curiosities, likes-have done & dislikes of his fetishes and adding a few of my own.

Funny about timing and intent. At same time of chatting with Wolfe I sent this guy an Okc message about my inner confusion of being a Switch or something else. I figure I'm unsure and wanting to explore. He is polyamorous. It didn't start out at all as me wanting more than my question I posed answered. I first looked at his fet profile, loved a few pics that tore at me - the voyeur & sub. He initiated next in giving me his number. Communication blossomed. The kink talk is here and there possibly 50/50 with rest on daily life activities & learning about each other. He's 41, tall, 6'2 and just intrigues me.

I'm getting excited to meet him. I like our interactions - or the amount. He typically initiates the first text of the day & always asks me a question. I respond. Sometimes there's a few more spread out through the day. Its nice. I feel confidence from him and within. I am not drained from it as I have been with last few potentials.

And that is back to this third guy (1-bassman 2-mmm still no idea yet ldr) and my energy levels. I'm content. There are some scheduling changes about to occur in next week or two. Bassman hours changing. I'll be requesting to start work at 6am to 2pm. Teens summer soccer (high school training & club soccer) schedule. And decisions to make in child care (4 week notice required). I'm not sure I have energy for more investment in one more right now. Life isn't just my V but each relationship with the 3 kids. Those needs of these three are so different due to huge age differences and sexes. (16f, 8m & 3f). And last but not least is myself and my personal time. There isn't much of that (2:24 am right now - bed is calling). Not sure I'm able to sacrifice more of that right now.
 
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Today sucks. I started feeling an icky tummy as soon as I got off work yesterday. 4 am, it's worse and by 6:30 determine I best stay home. I've been trying to get some work in, but my brain isn't too functional. Looks like I'll be working on the weekend.

Why do I constantly offer up a suggestion to bassman, that as soon as I offer it, I regret it? I have a bad habit of doing this. Looks like I need to think about my "acts of kindness" in more detail prior to verbalizing them. Is this part of the "possible possible borderline personality disorder" I was diagnosed with in 2001?

Like Monday, I told bassman I wanted to attend the local munch on Friday (today) and possibly he go see wild orchid afterwards and maybe they move Thursdays back to Friday with tons of ?? marks to him in the text as well as the statement "we really need to all sit down and figure out schedules".

So that has caused a shit storm of issues for us this week. I never felt I made the suggestion "set in stone" and then he jumped at it. I tried explaining yesterday at some point, it'd be nice to hear from him "i'd actually like to go back home with you after the munch".

This is what happened this week. He got scheduled to have Wed & Thurs off. Normally it's Tues & Wed. So he could go camping with wild orchid, he switched Tues and Thurs with a co-worker. He ended up having to work a night shift yesterday and not days as normal. I tried to explain that during wild orchid's stressful life over the last few weeks I feel I've been very ambicable with having her over and them taking time to go be alone on "our night" or "our family night". I explained yesterday that it wasn't "my fault you didn't get your Thursday overnight this week and why should I loose my Friday, if I choose to go out alone or spend time with you. We've agreed Fridays are my nights".

I don't date right now, kind of put that on the back burner - too damn draining. I am tentatively forming a D/s relationship with Sir (figure that's who he is and best to just call him that here) but I still need "me" time. Bassman gets Mondays & Thursdays and when ever they can find other time to see each other during the week as well as talking 2-3 times a day on the phone and texting throughout the day.

(I had some great stuff written and apparently I "cut" but cannot paste-argh. Not sure what was in between above and what is below but this is my best attempt to recreate):

I received a text from wild orchid yesterday asking if everything was ok. I get the sense bassman told her a bit about our issues this week but not the full details. I just told her "communication issues". I proceeded to ask via text or more inform bassman I have no problems with wild orchid visiting him at the house today while I'm at work. It's not like that's taking away "me time".

His response, touched my soul, and really let me know he does care about me, he does care about "us" and working on "us". He wrote this back to me:

"My relationship with you comes before Wild Orchid coming over for a couple of hours today. I want you to feel confident that I can be trusted and you can start opening up to me".

So here is part of his issue with me: I don't tell him much about who I chat with. I don't see the point, mainly since, um, my life is quite boring, honestly. What caused his upset with me on Wed was that wild orchid discussed with him how I'm chatting with my potential new metamour (one of them at least) that is with Sir. I don't know why I never told bassman about that. I know I've told him she contacted me a few weeks ago, but he can't remember that conversation. Actually it seems like any time I "speak" of a potential he doesn't remember it. Honestly I think I need to start recording conversations with bassman. Texts...he remembers...hearing me...not. But he was hurt and upset that he heard about my new potential metamour from his girlfriend and not from his wife.

And then wonderboy sent me a text last night. I responded a bit. Wonderboy is trying to get me to visit him in Portland next month. I won't be going. My focus is kids, bassman and Sir right now. Visiting Sir in 11 days and if there is that "connection", I know I'd like to visit him every one to two months if not more. And that's what is different for me with Sir than wonderboy. Sir is interested in a relationship. Wonderboy just wants sex. No way in hell am I getting myself off somewhere for 8 hours to just have sex. When I saw him in Januray...I was already going there.

Back to bassman and his need for me to open up to him. Texts from wonderboy caused him to be upset with me this morning. I am so damn confused. I don't ask for details of what bassman is texting wild orchid. I do ask, once in a while, like if we're chilling in bed, who he's texting. And every once in a while I'll see an email (not upset ever by the content) that he sends while it's "us" time and I get a little upset by that. See, I don't get much interaction from him when he's on his overnight. And I don't mind their constant need to be in contact with each other, but at some point, if we're on a date or we're camping, I'd really appreciate thoughts to be on me...not her and vice versa.

He replied that when he's with her he thinks about me and vice versa. Okay, that's fine...words words words...really don't mean much. Actions are so more telling for me. And if he doesn't send me a good night text (like last night at 11ish he had to step outside to call her and say "goodnight") I call him on it.

Actually yesterday I sent him a pdf of my text log (90 pages from 6/4 to 6/11 am). Just to show him who I am in contact with. Sir I exchange two to three texts, once in a while a few more, a day but not a lot. Most texts are with him, wild orchid and teen and sometimes the other soccer parents from the group texting. That's it.

I think bassman has been under the impression I'm texting/messaging with tons of guys. But I am not. See, that's how much he's aware of me. It's not that I haven't been open, I just haven't had anything to tell him.

But back to this need of his. I get I'm not 100% open about my thoughts and emotions. Kinda hard to be since it gets us into bad ugly confrontations. I internalize quite a bit. I'm trying to change and not bring up little things (oh aint' that a crux, isn't it the "little things" that are truly big things in reality)?

My weak points: I don't open up and my daily interactions with bassman and he and I now know why. I don't trust him. It hurt for him to hear that from me but that's our reality. How can I share my innermost thoughts with a person, even if I've been with them for over 21 years, if there is no trust?

Bassman weak points: He isn't good at communicating schedules to me or wild orchid. He's trying and is getting better at it but even this week was a fiasco...

That's enough for now. Need to try to get some work done. Have a good weekend everyone.
 
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Texts...he remembers...hearing me...not.

You now know he remembers visual communication better, so next time, send a simple text with a few basics, "FYI: talking to new person - more details in person, IF you ask". Come to an agreement that after the initial FYI text you won't be volunteering any additional information unless he asks and is willing to actually listen.

My husband tunes me out when I try to talk to him. We have both had to make changes in the way we try and communicate to keep this from happening. Including me stopping in the middle of a discussion and ask him what he just heard me say. It's a PIA, but I can start to see when he's tuning me out and he makes a better effort not to do it, as he doesn't like getting called out on it.
 
What a strange week. Bassman's work has been in transition from a pub & grille to fine dining restaurant. Last night he banked 47 hours since Sunday and actually hasn't had a day off since two Wednesdays ago. His overnights with Wild Orchid have been limited due to all the changes. I've been feeling a huge disconnect and have been sensing his insecurities about my upcoming trip to meet Sir next week.

We showered together last night before he left with Wild Orchid. We had a good talk. Me, asking for reassurance. Due to the events in Wild Orchid's relationship with Dude, I've been a bit concerned that the distance they are experiencing with each other will cause her to feel a need to request more time with bassman each week. I asked him if he felt like he can't make his own choices. I asked if he was still excited to return home to see me after his overnights. I asked if he's content with his status quo right now. I asked if he felt he could manage more relationships or is the V enough for him.

He provided assurances. He says he does have his own autonomy (yay because I have been trying hard not to "control" him or his other relationship yet when it comes to finances or the kids, it's not me trying to control, just make sure everyone's on the same page - so yeah I control that but it's my job as momma and bill payer to do such). He says he hasn't lost any excitement or desire to return home to me, it's part of poly he likes, being able to share those good feel nre emotions with me physically and emotionally. He is content with the status quo...so I prodded a bit more and asked if he'd prefer two overnights in a row instead of Mondays and Thursdays. He replied back and asked "how will that affect you" and then informed me "I'm happy with how it currently is". He doesn't want more than his V as far as relationships go. He does want to spend time together with us both at the same time (and yes, eventually would like some sexy fun with both of us at the same time BUT she isn't there yet and actually I'm probably closer to that interest than she is).

Then it was his turn to open up to me on his struggles regarding my upcoming meet and visit with Sir. His mind has gotten quite active with imagining the worst case scenarios. See, Sir, a Master, who is poly, brands his slaves. I was given an ultimatum by bassman earlier this week if I returned home branded he'd never have sex with me. I wrote about this on fetlife. Sir read it and was concerned about hub's jealousy. First off, Sir brands at the collaring ceremony and that's after a year of the D/s relationship. Sir did offer to contact hub but I explained let's wait on that until after we meet and know if we'll continue seeing each other or not. Then some of bassman's other fears is Sir is a fake, a serial killer and I won't return home. His thoughts are my potential metamour is a fake and isn't really her contacting and all this crazy mind blowing paranoia.

As far as if Sir is real. Luckily for us, our friend who lives in Sir's area actually went to a coffee munch on Wednesday and met some of Sir's friends. Sir is real and even though he's Dom, he is a nice and awesome guy. Our friend didn't meet him but heard folks talk about him and his May Kinky Camp Out. Sir has an off grid homestead and is self-sustaining. Grows all his fruits and vegies and has his own livestock.

So tonight will be my time to reassure bassman. There was no time left last night to provide any assurances since Wild Orchid had arrived to pick him up.

And tonight, bassman and I are attending our first munch. Not quite local, we have to travel over to Spokane. I finally have taken the step to branch out and meet new people. There's quite a number of locals in my town who are into kink and attend this weekly event. Fingers crossed we connect with others and make new friends.

I'm so excited for my 4 hour trip to meet Sir. Monday night I'll drive 3 hours to visit our friend and stay with him for the night. Then on the road at 10:30am to meet Sir at noon in his home town. I can't drive the car to his homestead since it requires vehicles that can make it up the mountain (a bit of basssman's fear too...that I'll be stranded with some sick fucker). Speaking of our friend. He just asked if we could mess around if it was ok with Sir and bassman. It doesn't matter if it is ok with either of them but I replied back I'd rather just hang out and talk. The friend is going through a separation. His wife set him up to "cheat" (long story made short) so she could return to our hometown and hookup with an ex boyfriend and will let him know in August if they will stay married or not. Can we say "summer fling without guilt"? Actually until friend and his wife figure their shit out...I'm not doing anything aside from friendship there.

Dinner just made it - PIZZA. I have more to share but man am I starving and have a huge headache coming on from being hungry.
 
So back to bassman. There's a part of him that doesn't get why I'm choosing to sub with someone besides him. Gosh, how do I explain it's truly because I can't see myself being submissive with him. That the trust that is needed for me to want to go that route isn't there. His fault, my fault and truly no fault, no finger pointing it's just what it is. Isn't that partly what poly is for? I do realize if bassman said to me he wants to Dom so and so, I might feel a twinge of jealousy but I don't really think I would. Now I could be wrong on that but if I don't desire to sub with him how could I ever have an issue of him Dom with another girly?

There's a part of me that in my analysis of US, is sensing bassman truly has a desire for me to return to mono even though he doesn't want to stop his relationship with Wild Orchid. Is that typical? And I know for a fact the root of that feeling I get from him (due to words he says to me) is he is worried I'll stop loving him and leave him. Kinda twisted, eh? I know he doesn't "want his cake" thingy...but I see it as he's use to me not having another significant other and has gotten quite use to "how it is". Use to me having crash and burn dates (can I just say that has been so damn draining on me emotionally, mentally and does affect me physically). I guess it's just how we are growing. I know and he even said last night - (in reference to Sir mostly) "it's your choice what you do and I can't control you I'm just worried for your safety". [Love him 1000 times more]. But he does need to realize I'm a grown woman. I've been in bizarre situations in my college days before we started dating and never once did anything horrible happen to me. Bassman forgets I'm pretty intelligent and have an awesome intuition on people and can discern their agenda, ulterior motives.

Thinking back to puker (I texted Wild Orchid about this today). That was a date I should have cancelled. 10 days after my thyroid surgery and the day after our van died. And I have blamed him for ditching me when I needed him and there, in retrospect, I see I was being passive-aggressive. I was hurt and with tears in my eyes...wild orchid and i discussed that weekend on monday and she sensed i needed him to stay with me...but in their infancy of nre, neither one of them nor I was willing to say...maybe tonight isn't a good idea. Bassman went due to his issues of me meeting another date that I'd probably fuck. It's not like my intention was to have sex but why not? shrug. why not if my last date was in October and now it's December and I just went through a few months of worrying whether I had cancer or not. Why not get some fun in even if it's a one time thing. Why not? Because I was hurting and my date, although when sober was a gentlemen and interesting, but as soon as the alcohol hit him...the dude was bat shit crazy. I never wrote about things he was saying before he puked. He's ex-military but never left the states. He kept ranting on "I want to kill someone". So a lesson learned that night...trust your instincts Ali, that intuition of yours is amazing if you only would listen to her.

And that, my friends in virtual world, is my instinct, my intuition on Sir. I don't have a feeling of doom, I am not experiencing any anxiety but a lot of feel good thoughts without too many expectations. I feel this new man, a Sir, is meant to be in my life. And he's a Pisces just like bassman. Same age even...I'll probably bust a gut if I find out they have the same birthday. How intriguing this will be.

Now my potential metamour is one of two. There are three other potentials, including me, this new metamour has told me. Now in my math head, does that mean there are 4 new potential metamours for her or 3 :confused::confused::confused:. Because the way one speaks and their understanding of language could really change and my interpretation could be wrong. It doesn't matter either way. As long as there is a connection and things grow both in the bdsm aspect and in the heart aspect I'm okay if I end up with 20 metamours.

And that' where I confuse myself. I'm totally fine thinking thoughts of being with Sir and all his girls and him sharing himself with all of us at the same time. Yet over here, in my semi-vanilla life, being intimate with bassman in front of wild orchid or seeing bassman intimate with wild orchid has been this huge struggle for me. Remember I was on board with that the night I met dude and the love birds were on a "date". I wasn't bothered by any of it. I guess it's a good thing I've struggled. It lets bassman feel reassured I truly do love him. It also lets him know that when he encounters his issues he's already dealt with mine and might just be able to understand why I was having such a hard time with it all.

And with it all...I realized this week...it's not that I didn't want him exploring and loving another. It was adjusting and acclimating to the changes in what use to be (sleeping together almost every night aside from visits we made to see family or friends without each other) to the new now. That's all it's really been with a few bouts of envy and huge lacks of communication. I don't want to return to mono...I'd never be happy if I did. I'd end up cheating etc so this is me...this is Ali the poly mom of three.

Disconnect...it's just not having much time together and for one, sleeping in a bed together does not equate to quality interactions nor does having sex/making love. That's been the hard part of this week. And it's all right before I'm gone for 4 nights. But it'll be a test of us both...how we cope and deal. Lucky hub will be going camping with wild orchid and our two youngest, pnutt and the princess while I'm away. Teen has soccer practices she can't miss. Her team is getting fit for their next tournament in early July. So I am getting a rental car to drive east, our vehicle is staying here so teen can get to practices and if she gets hired (had an interview today) she can get to work without any problems. She's 16, a good kid and not many other parents would leave their kiddo alone for a few nights. I trust her and she trusts me.

Speaking of that trust my oldest has towards me. Yesterday she asked advice on what her best friend should do. The bff is sexually active, her mother lost custody of her and her little sis. They live with their aunt. The other night the condom broke when she was having sex with her boyfriend. When teen brought this up my first response was bff needs to go get the morning after pill. bff and her boy already did this ($60 frickin). Now teen asks what should her friend do going forward. My spoken advice is to either make an appointment with the health department (ours has a clinic) or planned parenthood and bff needs to get on the pill. It won't prevent std's but in those cases of a broken condom, it'll stop any stresses of pregnancy. BFF is high risk to not graduate with her upbringing. I can relate as that was some what of my fate as a teen. I suggested teen let bff know she discussed with me this situation and if bff wants I will go with her to the appointment. LOL my teen at first suggested I take her, my daughter, in and ask the pediatrician to put her on the pill and she'd just give them to her bff. Um, no, we can't do that. The pill needs to be prescribed to bff.

What was great about that conversation yesterday with teen is she knows she can come to me if she ever gets into a situation like her bff did. I've always told her to never be afraid to approach me. Never worry if I'll be upset with her as I know I wouldn't ever be. But having a real life conversation and her asking me for advice tells me there is a huge amount of trust and love there. I love my teen so damn much! Well I love my boy and the youngest girl just as much...but it's different and all three of them have different needs that I meet as their momma.

One more hour and I get bassman from work and then we'll head out for a date at a munch! Have a great weekend everyone!!!
 
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In a few hours I'm taking off for my adventure/vacation to meet Sir. Lots of excitement.

Wild Orchid and Bassman are leaving the same time for camping with pnutt & princess. They are so worried about what type of person Sir is (guess they're my escape route if needed) that their camping trip is going to be just down the road from Sir.

Have a good week all.
 
I had an amazing experience with Sir. Down right awesome. His mind is absolutely amazing. His homestead is offgrid...powered by solar energy, his creeks with hydro operations. I did some "nekked" gardening, learned his 10 rules quickly (there is no rule #9).

Basman, Wild Orchid and the two youngest camped nearby. Sir made sure I kept in contact with Bassman, making sure he was doing okay during my 3 day trip.

Sir stated he wanted me to visit him once a month. We've narrowed it down to my second paycheck of the month so it'll be around the 25th. July his calendar was full, well not full, but one of his girls had most weekends marked as "alone" and being the newbie, I didn't want to push too much, too soon on getting time in with him. We'll call her Fairy and the girl in Alaska will be called Raven. Fairy and Raven have some issues, Sir says mostly communication, where they don't speak the same language so it gets twisted and causing hurt feelings. Fairy is a psychoanalyst so her and Sir will be writing a book together on poly and bdsm. He really wanted me to come in two weekends when they are having a fencing party (putting in fences for the cows he'll be buying in less than four weeks). Teen has a big tournement that weekend so I can't go. :(

Then August is jammed pack. Lots of blocked off alone time weekends for both Fairy and Raven except the 15-17. I'll meet Raven then. They are all going to Burning Man so the end of August just won't work.

I also was able to get scheduled in for Sept 26-28. Right after pnutt's 9th birthday and right before my 19th wedding anniversary.

NRE - I do believe I'm in that bubble, long distance though. And that's exactly what I need. I feel fulfilled, complete. My level of comperting is increasing drastically. Mondays the love birds may start having their overnights here, in a tent, in our backyard. Otherwise it'd be short lived since we stopped daycare for the summer and July 15th teen will have soccer trainings at 9am; thus bassman will need to be here. That made bassman happy I'm now ready for their pda's and more.
 
hmm

I'm kind of torn. On Thursday one of my new metamours called Sir. Raven was freaking out about another potential new girl, let's call her Milk Maid (this is what Sir now intends her position within the homestead to be once he gets a herd of cows) who is going to be a sub too. Raven's concern was this new girl will get herself pregnant. See Sir's home is pretty much 24/7 kink. He has dreams of building an intentional community, wants to put 4-5 cabins in on different places on the mountain, but not too close to the main home. These would be our individual homes where we could stay with our children while visiting Sir. He loves kids, but does not want any as he already has grown children of his own. This is very clear on his okc profile, but not every newbie would get it. It was obvious to me.

I actually happen to agree that Raven's concern should be heeded without thinking she's experiencing jealousy etc. Milk Maid and I were chatting on fb last night. Well first off, even though when she was married and a slave to her husband, they were polyamorous. But, but, but...she doesn't even get that Sir is a relationship anarchist for one. She keeps using the term "polygamous". So to me, she may have lived in a polygamous relationship with her ex, but Sir is not polygamous. So that has me concerned.

Then we start discussing our children. We both have 3 year olds. I mentioned I was still nursing. She asked if Sir was stoked. Well of course he was. :D Milk Maid goes on to tell me she tried to get herself to lactate even though it's been almost 2 years since her youngest weaned. So maybe I'm being paranoid, being new to this poly unit and all, but, my intuition is pretty much on 99% of the time. I think Milk Maid is going to try to get herself pregnant. I don't care whether she does or does not...her body, her autonomy. I do know Sir is very adamant he wants no more littles of his own.

I'm trying to figure out when I should bring up my concern with Sir. That is his relationship to own, but Raven is right he forgets some things (I witnessed it while I was there). Gosh I feel like I'm being tricky. I figured my timing of my concern needs to be stated a few days before Milk Maid goes to visit him. So I asked her when her next visit will be and stated how I met Fairy my first day and that I'd be meeting Raven on my next visit. I do believe Milk Maid's next visit will be when both Fairy and Raven are there.

Damn I feel so high schoolish and manipulative. :rolleyes:

Sir texted me today (he texts me everyday) since he decided he wanted me. That was back on May 9th. LOL he stated he's "kinda burnt out". A bit of my fault because I think we had way more sex that he usually has with his girls.

I'm missing him and told him as much. I also told him about my offer I gave to Wild Orchid and Bassman about moving their overnights here. Sir asked if hub appreciated that and told me "Miss you too". Squee :D After almost a year of dating and what not, that connection my mind and body needed has been found. Gosh Aug 15th is going to feel like forever!:p
 
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Happy 4th of July!

Last night was a moment of huge growth! Wild Orchid texted me wondering if I wanted to hang out with her, drink wine, while she waited for Bassman to get off work (was to be sometime after nine). I invited her over. I bbq'd the elk steak my boyfriend gave me last week, cooked brown rice and steamed carrots and asparagus. BTW - her compliments, I did an awesome job on the marinading of the elk, not gamey tasting at all, juicy and tender.

She left to get Bassman and return an hour or so later (after they skinny dipped in the river and almost got in trouble - this will be a 2nd time with the police - since they were on the property of a college campus) they came home. We chilled for about 30 minutes out on the back patio, talking and what not. Then I needed to get princess asleep so left them. Yay me! They did an overnight here, although in the backyard in the tent, but still I was fine, no insecurities, no envy, no jealousy, nothing but BLISS!

I'm missing Sir :( a lot. Three intense, very intimate days spent together. There is definitely chemistry there, an appreciation for each other's brains and body's. Monday I was missing him bad and just sent off a text "I miss you". Pretty soon after that he replied "Miss you too". So sweet ;). Then yesterday after texting with Raven (she's there visiting him now) on his cell about trying to figure out dates etc for future monthly visits he sent out of the blue "I miss you-X". Yeah, we definitely have a connection.

Well today teen was in the local parade with her soccer club. This is the very first time Bassman and I took princess to a parade. She was a little whiny but had a blast. Pnutt did awesome, just into all the firetrucks and military vets. What was strange was none of the parade participants threw out candy. Back in Olympia, whether it was the biker toy's for tots parade, the Procession of the Species Parade or Lakefair Parade, candy is all over the place. Kinda nice kiddos won't expect that while we live here.

What else....so lots of compersion for bassman and wild orchid.

But, bassman told our littles he'd like to move up North on Wednesday (this would be a possible co-habitation or I don't know what) and finding this out last night made me a bit upset. I held it in, but he knew instantly I was bothered by something. Honestly, until he and I discuss this concept/idea (which is his and wild orchid's) and either agree on it or agree that's for him but not for me, the kids should not be involved. It really upset teen, even though bassman said it'd be after she goes off to college. She freaked out last night. I think partly because wild orchid was talking to me about a trial run up in this place next summer. Stating bassman basically would quit his secure and well paying job as a chef (very hard to come by here) and get a position up there somewhere and that I could work virtually or commute a few days a week back down here. Kinda gets my anxiety a bit riled up. I mean, I get this idea/concept but our kids are 3, 8 and 16. I haven't been with my job even a year yet (yes I can work from home but that's more due to kid illnesses etc not a permanent option, they, the boss and others need me in the office. I'm the "go to" for asking about tax laws etc and if I don't know the answer then they go to the boss and even the boss comes to me for discussion of some complicated tax positions). I am not ready to even test the water on that. Plus, pnutt's bestie lives right across the street. It was awesome moving here and having a neighbor with a kid our son's age (3 months different) and they've truly become best friends. After all the moving I went through as a kid, it's really important to me my kids have as much stability in their lives. I'm just wondering if these plans wild orchid and bassman are concocting is NRE driven rather than practical, reality driven.

:confused: This gets me to wondering are bassman and I growing apart? Are our short term goals and long term goals no longer similar? Mine haven't really changed much. The reality we have is it's going to be over 15 years before the youngest is off as an adult. I'm tired of the unknown - the financially unknown. I frickin' need serious stability in this area since the last 21 years has been chaotic nonsense. I guess if we do grow apart in our dreams only time will tell.

Big sigh just now getting that off my chest, out of my head. It's here, documented and recorded for me to reflect on. Gosh I just really wish Bassman would follow through and discuss these things with me. How many more will come about? Oh well...it's the only way to grow, I guess. :rolleyes:
 
My last post on this blog

It's been quite tumultuous around here. The weekend was long with tons of grieving. I haven't had much time with bassman all last week. He needed the weekend for thinking, me for crying. Sunday we went over a ton of things: resentment, not forgiving truly letting go of bad things, things we felt were hurts to each other, so much stuff. Then we said we'd start fresh, over again.

I requested to have tonight with him. He didn't see how I should have that need. Today talked with wild orchid, not going to say anything I feel or think about that and my intuition on the conversation. Bassman "agreed" to spend tonight with me.

Alas, it was obvious, dreadfully, gut wrenching obvious, he'd given up on us. I told him as much, told him, with tears, we need to let go. He's not in it and I'm not going to sit anymore and just take the minute affection he's able to provide. I won't be in a fake marriage (will never marry again), I won't pretend it's "ok" and let myself just continue to die inside.

So this is my last post of this blog. I will begin a new one, hopefully, with a happier tale.
 
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