What words do you use - lover, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, something else?

My observations and experience have been different, and your response reminds me of when my mom used to say, "They say things about you because they're jealous of you."

Well, no. They said things because they want to fit in with their peer group, and I didn't fit in, so I got to be a target instead. Us versus them. They sure as hell didn't want what I had.

My friends who've had negative things to say about Poly don't want to BE poly. They've taken umbrage at the whole idea of poly relationships, and believe they're disrespectful and that I must be "getting hurt" somehow, or being taken advantage of, and I'm not able to see it for myself. They are, in their own way, being protective of me, and getting indignant FOR me. Some have taken it so far as to ostracize him from their lives.

They sure as hell don't want to BE me, nor do they want to be P.

Maybe your experience is different, but you can't make an absolute statement based on your anecdotal experience (and neither can I).
 
My observations and experience have been different, and your response reminds me of when my mom used to say, "They say things about you because they're jealous of you."

Well, no. They said things because they want to fit in with their peer group, and I didn't fit in, so I got to be a target instead. Us versus them. They sure as hell didn't want what I had.

My friends who've had negative things to say about Poly don't want to BE poly. They've taken umbrage at the whole idea of poly relationships, and believe they're disrespectful and that I must be "getting hurt" somehow, or being taken advantage of, and I'm not able to see it for myself. They are, in their own way, being protective of me, and getting indignant FOR me. Some have taken it so far as to ostracize him from their lives.

They sure as hell don't want to BE me, nor do they want to be P.

Maybe your experience is different, but you can't make an absolute statement based on your anecdotal experience (and neither can I).

I didn't make an absolute statement, I said this, "Usually whenever people get upset at anything to do with Marriage at all of OTHER people, it is because they themselves have a secret desire they are suppressing.~"

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like those kind of people are really your "friends".~ If they disregard your happiness, what you want, don't even TRY to understand your relationships, and assume that they know what is best for you and NOT you then proceed to alienate some one who means some thing special to you: that doesn't sound like "friendship" to me.~

The fact that you defend their behaviour in the way that you do seems borderline delusional to me.~ But I am not going to tell you what to do nor play mind games like it seems these people are or were doing, because it is your life NOT "mine".~

Sincerely,

ColorsWolf
 
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I didn't make an absolute statement, I said this, "Usually whenever people get upset at anything to do with Marriage at all of OTHER people, it is because they themselves have a secret desire they are suppressing.~"

Fair enough, but I don't know how usual it is, either. If it is in your experience, then so be it. It isn't in mine.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like those kind of people are really your "friends".~ If they disregard your happiness, what you want, don't even TRY to understand your relationships, and assume that they know what is best for you and NOT you then proceed to alienate some one who means some thing special to you: that doesn't sound like "friendship" to me.~

The fact that you defend their behaviour in the way that you do seems borderline delusional to me.~ But I am not going to tell you what to do nor play mind games like it seems these people are or were doing, because it is your life NOT "mine".~

Sincerely,

ColorsWolf

No, instead you'll just tell me that I'm teetering on delusional. Got it. Thanks. :p

Anyway, the fact that they do not agree with my decision doesn't mean that they aren't my friends. When this was happening, it was during a fairly emotionally volatile time for me, and they saw what they felt was something that was harming me, when in fact it wasn't really that simple, and I really just needed some time to adjust to the "new normal" (recently divorced, with two children, and just starting a new relationship with my poly partner, when that was all new ground for me - I tried to do a lot at once :) ).

They did what they did out of caring. I do know that. They also don't talk about it with me anymore, as it's been a couple years and things are going pretty well... they keep their opinions (mostly) to themselves, but honestly, if they disagree with something I'm doing, it's not necessarily a bad thing to talk about it.

One who did ostracize P, I will concede is more of an acquaintance, and I think she sees the poly relationship structure as inherently abusive somehow - that I "deserve better" and am being "disrespected". Shrug. She doesn't talk about it, really, and I don't bring it up. The other friend had a separate falling out with P that this added to. I don't think the poly relationship was the real reason behind it, but it added fuel to the fire.

Anyway, we've gone pretty far off-topic. You and I can agree to disagree on this one. I still do not see their opinion on Poly relationships being anything relating to them wanting to be Poly themselves. What I usually end up seeing is either a variant of, "Oh HELL no!" or "Well, I couldn't do that." The one friend who actually decided to have a poly relationship of her own was pretty non-judgmental over the whole thing. :)
 
Fair enough, but I don't know how usual it is, either. If it is in your experience, then so be it. It isn't in mine.



No, instead you'll just tell me that I'm teetering on delusional. Got it. Thanks. :p

Anyway, the fact that they do not agree with my decision doesn't mean that they aren't my friends. When this was happening, it was during a fairly emotionally volatile time for me, and they saw what they felt was something that was harming me, when in fact it wasn't really that simple, and I really just needed some time to adjust to the "new normal" (recently divorced, with two children, and just starting a new relationship with my poly partner, when that was all new ground for me - I tried to do a lot at once :) ).

They did what they did out of caring. I do know that. They also don't talk about it with me anymore, as it's been a couple years and things are going pretty well... they keep their opinions (mostly) to themselves, but honestly, if they disagree with something I'm doing, it's not necessarily a bad thing to talk about it.

One who did ostracize P, I will concede is more of an acquaintance, and I think she sees the poly relationship structure as inherently abusive somehow - that I "deserve better" and am being "disrespected". Shrug. She doesn't talk about it, really, and I don't bring it up. The other friend had a separate falling out with P that this added to. I don't think the poly relationship was the real reason behind it, but it added fuel to the fire.

Anyway, we've gone pretty far off-topic. You and I can agree to disagree on this one. I still do not see their opinion on Poly relationships being anything relating to them wanting to be Poly themselves. What I usually end up seeing is either a variant of, "Oh HELL no!" or "Well, I couldn't do that." The one friend who actually decided to have a poly relationship of her own was pretty non-judgmental over the whole thing. :)

Perhaps you are right, I do not know: they are after all "your friends" and this is "your life", so you decide what to do with your life and how to feel about things.~

I just hope and wish positive fortune to you as I do for all.~ :)

Also, I didn't claim your "friends" are Jealous of you like I said before, my conclusions about others before this discussion about your "friends" started were drawn from my outside observations, but that is just 1 perspective of such matters when there can be possibly an infinite number of such.~

I'm sorry I was confusingly vague, I shall try to be more specific that my statements are not meant to be absolutes but just 1 of a possibly infinite number of perspectives in my future posts.~ ^_^

Love,

ColorsWolf
 
Also, I didn't claim your "friends" are Jealous of you like I said before, my conclusions about others before this discussion about your "friends" started were drawn from my outside observations, but that is just 1 perspective of such matters when there can be possibly an infinite number of such.~

Nope - I was the one who used the "jealousy" analogy. Your post was more akin to "they have bad things to say about it because they have a secret desire to BE it" and my brain immediately flipped to "they say those things because they're jealous of you". It felt the same way - well meaning, but not right (in my case).

The problem with both sentiments (IMO) is that it sets up a premise that makes it easy to avoid looking at the real reasons people have a hard time with an idea. They hate poly? They must want a second relationship! Aha! Wouldn't THAT be ironic!

Well... no. It's not usually that simple. There are a myriad of reasons why people would be against such a thing. If (in my friends' case) they see something they feel is hurting their friends, then Poly is obviously a "BAD THING". If they don't like it for religious reasons, that's another completely different case. There could be other reasons. Each reason, if you're going to discuss it with people, needs a different argument against it. Is it abusive? Well, no, not in my case, because of A,B,C. Is it against your religion, well okay, but your religion is not mine. Is it a guy who can't keep his dick in his pants? Well, in our relationship, it's more x,y,z and not that at all... or, who cares if he likes variety in his sex life, if everyone else is okay with it?

Reducing the argument to, "Well, they just want that for themselves," doesn't allow us to get to any of those reasons, and you really can't have a good discussion with people when you come at them with this argument. "Oh, you just want to be me," doesn't get taken well, and doesn't show the other person that you respect them and their opinion (which goes miles in trying to get them to respect you and yours).

Remember, I'm mono. Being told that any of the problems I had with poly in the beginning were because I just want a second partner of my own is laughable. I don't want that. Truly. And if anyone ever said that to me, depending on who it is, I may just shut the argument off right there, because it's obvious they don't want to hear the real reason behind any of it. May as well move on to talking about the weather. Or sports.

Hey, how about them Mets? ;)
 
I call the people that I love and who love me to my "Lovers", because I like that word and I am using it properly.~ Any one who thinks this word automatically has negative connotations no matter who uses it is an ignorant person, an uneducated person, or is a fool to me.~

And why be so "on the attack" about people who don't like using the word "lover"? I don't like using it. I feel that it implies something more sexual than I'm comfortable discussing in general conversation. Partner or boyfriend works better for me.

Am I ignorant, uneducated, or a fool? I think my definition of "uneducated" and "ignorant" would be different from yours in this case. I've certainly heard the reasons for using the term, and I reject them for myself. I'm not ignorant of those reasons, and education has nothing to do with it.

Perhaps, though, arguing on the Internet about it is a bit foolish. I will concede that one. ;)
 
Responding to the gist of the thread (rather than recent posts):

I use "husband" and "boyfriend" because those are the most readily understood terms. Although at this point "long-term life-partner" and "other significant other" (or "other partner") would probably be more accurate...and I hate the term "boyfriend" (soooooo jr high/high school). When talking to people who know us, I just use names.

For VV I would use "girlfriend" "lover" "FWBs" or "lover friend" - depending on the circumstances - there is a long history there and she will sometimes refer to me as her "long distance girlfriend", but I usually refer to her as "My VV". For MsJ I could use "FW occcassional B" "special friend *wink*" etc. But usually refer to her by name or as "Rube's Wife". (She would refer to everyone other than MrS in my life as my "lover" however...:p - as in "How many lovers do you have, anyway, girl?"

My relationship with Lotus is still evolving - so "FWB" or "lover-friend" or "Dude's GF that I'm involved with" would all apply. I think the possibility of us being "girlfriends" might be evolving ... but I'm usually pretty slow on the uptake in that regard. :eek: I think she is awesome and would want to be friends with her even if there were no sexual interest or she wasn't involved with Dude (incidentally, I think that MrS feels the same way).

It's the boyfriend/girlfriend nomenclature that really trips me up - there is such a huge range of what people mean by those terms...
 
Responding to the gist of the thread (rather than recent posts):

I use "husband" and "boyfriend" because those are the most readily understood terms. Although at this point "long-term life-partner" and "other significant other" (or "other partner") would probably be more accurate...and I hate the term "boyfriend" (soooooo jr high/high school). When talking to people who know us, I just use names.

I am glad to know that I am not the only one who finds gf/bf juvenile.
 
I can understand the "juvenile" objection to bf, esp since mine is over 50, but like You Are Here I'm also uncomfortable with "lover", since to me it puts the emphasis on sex. i have nothing against sex - in fact I wish I had more opportunity for it with my bf :p - but I don't want it to appear that sex is the focus or the reason for the relationship. I guess I could go with love, or sweetie, or any of the terms that I use to him, but here I've just tended to go with bf for clarity and simplicity.
 
I don't find boyfriend juvenile (I never had one in high school so to me it's still an adult thing) but I hear it with the context of uncommitted. I'm just to used to people saying their wife/husband if they've been together 2 years or more (whether they plan to get married or not) so I really think of it as "this guy I've only just met, and I'm not sure if I want to stay with him yet. It's not that serious".
So if I want to convey the connotations of "this is my partner that I'm seriously involved with" I'll use husband.
 
Nope - I was the one who used the "jealousy" analogy. Your post was more akin to "they have bad things to say about it because they have a secret desire to BE it" and my brain immediately flipped to "they say those things because they're jealous of you". It felt the same way - well meaning, but not right (in my case).

The problem with both sentiments (IMO) is that it sets up a premise that makes it easy to avoid looking at the real reasons people have a hard time with an idea. They hate poly? They must want a second relationship! Aha! Wouldn't THAT be ironic!

Well... no. It's not usually that simple. There are a myriad of reasons why people would be against such a thing. If (in my friends' case) they see something they feel is hurting their friends, then Poly is obviously a "BAD THING". If they don't like it for religious reasons, that's another completely different case. There could be other reasons. Each reason, if you're going to discuss it with people, needs a different argument against it. Is it abusive? Well, no, not in my case, because of A,B,C. Is it against your religion, well okay, but your religion is not mine. Is it a guy who can't keep his dick in his pants? Well, in our relationship, it's more x,y,z and not that at all... or, who cares if he likes variety in his sex life, if everyone else is okay with it?

Reducing the argument to, "Well, they just want that for themselves," doesn't allow us to get to any of those reasons, and you really can't have a good discussion with people when you come at them with this argument. "Oh, you just want to be me," doesn't get taken well, and doesn't show the other person that you respect them and their opinion (which goes miles in trying to get them to respect you and yours).

Remember, I'm mono. Being told that any of the problems I had with poly in the beginning were because I just want a second partner of my own is laughable. I don't want that. Truly. And if anyone ever said that to me, depending on who it is, I may just shut the argument off right there, because it's obvious they don't want to hear the real reason behind any of it. May as well move on to talking about the weather. Or sports.

Hey, how about them Mets? ;)

I agree, thank you for opening up my mind to that!~ ^_^


And why be so "on the attack" about people who don't like using the word "lover"? I don't like using it. I feel that it implies something more sexual than I'm comfortable discussing in general conversation. Partner or boyfriend works better for me.

Am I ignorant, uneducated, or a fool? I think my definition of "uneducated" and "ignorant" would be different from yours in this case. I've certainly heard the reasons for using the term, and I reject them for myself. I'm not ignorant of those reasons, and education has nothing to do with it.

Perhaps, though, arguing on the Internet about it is a bit foolish. I will concede that one. ;)

Perhaps my words were a little harsh, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the way I feel about it is: I like the word "lover" and I am using it the way it was designed to be used, and no matter what any one says about it, I will continue to use it and love using it!~ ^_^

Love,

ColorsWolf
 
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When I'm talking about all of us/both of them, I use "partners". When referring to them individually I say "my fiancee" and "my girlfriend". That might change if my girlfriend decides she wants a ring too.
"Partners" I find to be nice and neutral, especially considering we're all transgender.
 
When I'm talking about all of us/both of them, I use "partners". When referring to them individually I say "my fiancee" and "my girlfriend". That might change if my girlfriend decides she wants a ring too.
"Partners" I find to be nice and neutral, especially considering we're all transgender.

That's interesting.~

Personally I don't believe in the concept of "gender" at all, I just treat people how I feel about them and how they want to be treated.~ ^_^

I think every thing becomes too complicated and restraining when I use pre-defined words and pre-defined roles like much of the Human species does.~

Love,

ColorsWolf
 
I think I use "girlfriend" specifically because of its ambiguity. I know what I mean by it, and I always answer honestly when people bother to clarify. But if people want to think of that as my friend who's a girl, or if they make the connection and whether or not they actually ask if I mean girlfriend-girlfriend? I'm not too concerned about what other people think or know. Part of me enjoys the game of keeping them guessing. Maybe I even like the scandalous possibility that people might think I'm having a (blatant) affair with a woman, if they get that far...
 
I call my wife my partner. It's what I've called her for years before we actually got married, and it applies to our relationship better than anything else I can think of. She's taken to calling me her wife more often, though.

As for our significant others, we tend to refer to them as housemates to people who don't know about our relationship. To people who do, they're our boyfriend and girlfriend.
 
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