Being by yourself

NeonKaos

Custodian
This was mentioned in another thread, and I was wondering if folks would sound off about it.

Who (besides RedPepper) is poly because they can't stand being alone? Who likes being alone despite the fact that they can be in love with more than one person at a time? What are people's thoughts about this?

I have a few minutes left before I can leave work so I am throwing this out there for discussion.

Myself, I prefer to be alone as opposed to keeping up the kind of energy required in social situations. Although I am loud and gregarious, I like to be able to escape from a situation at the drop of a hat. Therefore (and for other reasons) I don't tend to have people over to my house except maybe one or two at a time with long periods in between. When we go camping as part of a group or where there are group activities (such as dinner), I prefer to keep to myself until most of the people have left. It's not that I am shy in large groups, but i feel as though i'm expected to contribute something and if I'm "quiet" i get asked "what's the matter" a lot. I like having my husband around, but he likes social situations more than I do so I am perfectly OK with him going out to bars and other events without me. Then I ask him "How was it?" I used to think I was a people-person but trying to live up to that image was very stressful. When I let go of that and acknowledged my anti-social disposition, I felt really relieved. My husband (and also my "other guy" who I don't see now) thinks I'm a high-functioning autistic / Asperger's, but I have not sought a professional opinion about this yet. The internet gives me a level of interaction that I can tolerate and remain in touch with people. It's not so much PEOPLE that I mind, just having them around constantly is kind of irksome to me.

Time to leave work now. See you's when I get home.
 
I don't mind being alone, and often enjoy it. I also like to share time with people, but mostly with people I have chosen to spend time with. That is, I don't much like having to hang out (or work) with people who rub me the wrong way.

I have a mild, or "sub-clinical," social anxiety problem which comes and goes as it gradually falls away. The symptoms typically appear when I'm with new people, face-to-face. It almost went away altogether recently, but certain recent events have triggered the underlying causal issues, which, not surprizingly, relates to self-esteem and confidence.
 
I'm also in the mild anxiety problems group. I don't mind certain groups of people, especially if I know them, but I definitly prefer small goups of people if I'm new, especially if they all know each other. I used to and still occasionally have a problem being out and about shopping and running errands, the anxiety will hit and I'll have to leave the building and go sit in the car until it either goes away or I go home.

But I also hate being alone, always have...I've never had to live alone, the closest I've come to it was living with another person and her son and her nephew (totally platonic, way before I knew of or thought I was poly). So technically I wasn't alone, but I did have to forge new relationships. I went to the community college and although did have two experiences with WDWCP I had 5 roommates each time so wasn't ever really alone.

I hate when my hubby has to go on the rare business trips out of state which are usually overnight stays. Although when I was staying in IL to talk to "Elric" I didn't seem to get hit with the paranoia or anxiety which usually hits me. Curious...
 
I used to be highly introverted. Now I can happily operate in crowds or by myself--I actually require doses of each to keep an even keel. Too long without either one and I get anxious, which kicks in the OCD.

I'm not convinced that preferring solitude or small groups is rooted in any disorder. Some folks just prefer to interact with others in a fashion that doesn't support large groups. Perfectly social people that have to regulate their interactions and make certain they get enough time alone to reduce the sensory input. The anxiety that surfaces from too much stimulation is not, I think, due to any underlying disorder, it's just a sign of overstimulation.
 
I've mentioned before that I have bipolar 1 disorder. This has a great deal to do with whether I prefer to be alone or in a social setting on any given day. If I'm hypomanic or manic I can't stand being on my own. I have to be out socializing and talking and doing something active with either one person or, preferably, a group (it takes a group to keep up with me). If I'm depressed I tend to like being with just my hubby or a close friend. Being completely alone isn't good for me for long periods of time either way. My thoughts tend to get out of control with no one to bounce them off of. I've become a text message FIEND for that reason. I also suffer anxiety in large groups of unfamiliar people or on long trips alone where there are many strangers like the occasional subway ride.

I don't know that any of this contributes to my wanting another love partner but it does contribute greatly to my desire for close, affectionate, non-sexual friendships. I feel lonely if there's no one to share a loving touch with for long periods of time. My poor son is smothered. But, luckily, he's a mush like mommy so he likes my cuddles.
 
Oddly enough, i like to be around people, listen to them talk and sometimes not say anything, sometimes i like to talk for hours. Usually im just content with laying down with my girlfriend and just listening to her talk about things. Im an odd fellow as youll all learn, haha, sometimes i dont even understand myself x)

My brother is the same way as you though, he cant stand to be around people for too long. His reasoning is different but in the end its the same
 
I am a really social person...I can be alone, but it's not my favorite! My husband works out of town Monday through Thursday, sometimes Friday. Makes for long, lonely weeknights after kiddos are in bed...It sucks, but we have gotten used to it, and he does get long weekends at home with us. Our girlfriend is a teacher, so she spent a lot of nights here this summer, and it was great. Now, she's back to work, so I am readjusting to alone time. The interwebs help. ;) And knowing that Friday we will all be together again, laughing, cooking dinner, living it up...also helpful.

Part of the reason it is SO hard for us not to tell all right now is that we are very social with a tight group of friends. Several of them have inquired about our relationship, but so far we have brushed them off. It's SO hard to hide our affection at all these events though! So for now, we hang out a lot less!
 
Most of the time I don't like being alone but there are times that I value my solitude (especially if I've planned for it). But I don't like big groups, I feel really akward. Ideally I like to have a small group around to talk to and socialize with. I always feel like I'm on the outside in a larger group, kind of like everyone else is in on something that I haven't quite caught on to.
 
I'm going to add this note to my little info blurb above...

I like to be alone in a group. I'm the person who sits and watches and listens whether it is to one person in a group or to everything going on.

I also sometimes prefer to sit alone in the house but with other people, my mom and daughter, being in another part of the house. I'd be upstairs or in the basement while they are on the main floor usually. I'm around if they need anything but otherwise I can feel basically by myself if not alone.
 
Im a bit of Both. Sometimes I need alone time. Where it can be physically alone Or even Mentally alone (like at the gym). I love to be around people too. And I often Am around alot of people ...Alot of the time.
I do get lonely. Especially if I havnt seen those Who I care about. AB and AL..And Usually my Bestie.. I Crave certain people. Those three being the main ones. But I think thats because they understand me best.
 
Jeez, it sure seems like we're all quite a mish-mash of social or not! Makes you think there really is no norm, just a whole lot of gray, doesn't it? Good question, YGirl.
 
I'm both too... but more needing to be around people. For me, I think it has EVERYTHING to do with WHO it is. My ex, even when things were ok, I needed alone time to think and just be. I much prefer small groups to large ones. Small gathering of friends at home is much better to me than going out to a crowded bar or club.

Right now, I'm feeling so lonely. Missing my family so much my heart aches and I think it will be a very long time until I really NEED alone time (possibly just a bit to really sort through all the huge changes I've made lately). But I know very rarely do I actually instigate alone time when it comes to SG and AB. I hate to leave when I know they're there, which makes going to bed extreemly difficult, as I know they're still up for hours. Right now it's so hard, most of my time is spent alone except for talking to them online.... which isn't as good as being there... obviously. Still I'm physically alone. :(

Sorry, now I'm sad. I just miss them so much *sigh* Soon I'll be home, but right now this stupid transition period is the hardest time of my life.
 
(((hugs))) My Love.. It wont be long and you will be home... and then In this crazy house your never alone! :p

I hate saying good night too. Damn Time zones. :(
 
Prefer to be alone

Myself, I prefer to be alone as opposed to keeping up the kind of energy required in social situations. I used to think I was a people-person but trying to live up to that image was very stressful. When I let go of that and acknowledged my anti-social disposition, I felt really relieved. My husband (and also my "other guy" who I don't see now) thinks I'm a high-functioning autistic / Asperger's, but I have not sought a professional opinion about this yet. The internet gives me a level of interaction that I can tolerate and remain in touch with people. It's not so much PEOPLE that I mind, just having them around constantly is kind of irksome to me.

I would venture to say you are neither autistic or have Asperger's syndrome. I have a lot to say about this topic but for the sake of bandwidth and respect for others I am going to "try" and give you enough information that will enable you to discover that you are you, and that is "normal." There are ways that each of us process the world around us. Those ways are dependent on who we are, and that to a large degree is shaped by innate traits or characteristics that we have from birth. It is why some people are artists, some scientists, some public speakers. True, you can step outside of those traits with effort. As you experienced that can be draining because what you are doing is going against your natural born strengths. You, and you alone would have to determine if there would be acceptable reward for going against your own personality. There has been a tremendous amount of research done on individual personalities and how each personality type processes and perceives his or her world. Kiersey developed a method to define specific personalities and Myers-Briggs added their own spin to the process. There is a test which asks a series of questions that help define who you are. It is accurate and easy to take. Once you realize your personality type then there is loads of info out there about how your specific type of personality typically lives. My guess is that you are an "I" type personality. There are several variations in this category. Google INFJ and you will get a sense of what I am talking about. The "I" personality requires alone time to regroup. It is an essential part to renewing yourself. Typically "I" personality types are thinkers heavily influenced by their feelings. The only "bad" part to this type of personality is that being unaware most people in this category suspect that there is a flaw in their character, or a weakness. It is not unusual for them to actively try and suppress the very parts of them that make them strong. In addition to very detailed descriptions of each personality type there are also references to well known people that share these same character traits. Calvin Coolidge was an INFJ. He did not socializing and did not like giving into superficial conversation, yet he became the President of the United States. He was affectionately known as "silent Cal." At one particular dinner that was held for diplomats he overheard someone say, "I bet I can make him say more than three words." His reply was, "you lose." :) What I'm saying is don't be so quick to think the worst of yourself. If you would like I will be glad to direct you to some places where you can do your own personal research. I hope this sparked some interest.

Barry
 
Good words, Barry!

I especially appreciate the Keirsey Temperament Sorter. I tested as a INFP (Healer) years ago, and probably continue to be an INFP, even though I am slowly transitioning into an "ambivert" from my familiar introvert status.

http://www.keirsey.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion

I become more introverted when I feel more socially insecure and move toward ambiversion when I'm feeling more self-confidence and higher levels of self esteem -- which fluctuates, for me.

Lately, I'm back to my more introverted ways. But I expect to be more ambiverted in the future -- and hope to be!
 
Gee Barry, thanks for all the free advice. I can finally move on with my life.
 
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Free?

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Who (besides RedPepper) is poly because they can't stand being alone? Who likes being alone despite the fact that they can be in love with more than one person at a time? What are people's thoughts about this?

Ah, does that mean I don't get to reply? I will anyway! ;)

I seem to be the center of attention in larger groups as I am a talker and self assured (in case you hadn't noticed :p). I have seemingly odels of self confidence, but really there are a few things that will make me shrink back in self doubt.... these being if someone ignores me or doesn't laugh at my jokes.... I come from a family that ignored me and told me I over react and never laughed at my jokes. I thought I didn't have a sense of humour for years!

Now I work at a job that keeps me in the middle of the group always and I love to come home to feel the same way. I feel safe, happy and content when everyone is doing something merrily around me and chit chatting away happily. I LOVE it when Mono is over and we are all together. I would love for him and us to live together and have that all the time, but it is a selfish thing and I know that neither him or my husband want that right now. So I wait and see what happens.

At times I need to be alone, especially now as I have identified my abandonment issues recently, with Mono's help. I exercise alone, paint alone and stay up late on the internet alone.... I think those are the only times really. I would ideally like to live in a house with my own room so I can practice being alone as it really is a life long goal of mine. Eventually I want to get to the point where I can go away into the woods somewhere and spend the night alone......!!!! ahhhhhh, terrifying!!!! ahhhh ..... definitely no where near ready to do that... just the thought!
 
I can admit to being ok in any situation because the way I see things is LIVE IT UP!!! Thank you Meemaw!!! My grandmother is a woman who takes charge of any and all situations and she instilled the same thing in me. I can be alright in any situation and am often called upon to do so as my job requires me to be in large groups on a regular basis but I do feel more comfortable just being at home with my men (my husband and my 2 sons) this is where I am happiest. I do also like my alone time with just a book in hand but I do need my time with other people around and just hearing all the hustle and bustle which is the complete opposite of my hubby who could survive in a world without anyone else outside of our house, silly man. Maybe this is why we are so good together, we counteract each other's personalities and level things out.
 
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