Bdsm

Lemondrop

New member
Oh boy, another question from Lemondrop. Yay! (I'm really sorry, and if this isn't appropriate let me know and I'll delete the post.)

CAUTION--

I need the advice of someone experienced with BDSM.

So, in case anyone doesn't know, I'm in a quad comprised of myself, my husband, and another couple. Wife #2 is into BDSM. I want to be open-minded and help her get her needs met, but I have a childhood history of various types of abuse. I thought I had dealt with it, but I'm having some problems with it now. When I found out the other night that my husband has been choking her--with her consent--I tried to stay calm, but I was a mess. I didn't feel safe around him even though he's NEVER harmed me or tried anything I didn't like. Just for the record, there are enough reasonable arguments against choking that they had pretty much decided to stop before I asked them to.

Now I'm worried. I'm afraid of coming around a corner and finding them doing something that I'll find distressing. So is this the kind of thing that I'll get used to? Could this be a situation that therapy would help? I just don't know a darn thing about BDSM. Would it be reasonable to ask them to stop the BDSM until the relationship is a little older, and I might feel safer?
 
I really wonder just what it is YOU are getting out of this!

Do you have any idea????!!!!!

cause if you don't then you might want to take a long hard look and perhaps make some really tough choices.
 
Redpepper, I'm really confused by your response to this... It seems like she's asking a really heartfelt question here... What are you trying to get at with this reponse?

I've been in a similar situation in the past... Choking used to really bother me. If someone tried to do it to me, I'd tweak. If I saw my partner do it to someone else, I'd tweak... even if it was perfectly consentual. I could handle seeing a lot of things, but that was one that would almost immediately trigger an anxiety attack if I saw. (For reasons I can't explain, choking no longer bothers me... I wish I had the insight to know why, but I don't).

I think the best thing you can do is be honest with your partners. If you find certain behaviors and acts distressing and triggering, by all means... speak up. If you don't, you're going to end up living in fear of seeing something you don't want to and eventually that's going to lead to resentment. Telling your partners means you can sit down and figure out what the best way to resolve the issue is.

Things that I might ask myself in a situation like this is:

"Why does this bother me?"
"Are there limitations that I could live with without restricting their behavior?"
"Is this something that I can be okay with in time?"
"Would having your partners take a precaution like locking the door so you can't accidently walk in on something you don't want to see ease your mind? Or maybe asking them not to discuss their BDSM activities around you? Or only doing these sorts of activities when they know you're not going to be at home?"

I tend to think in polyamory there tends to be a culture of openness.... and assumption that you ought to be open to anything and everything and if you're not then you're not poly enough... but the reality is, we all have our limitations and the things that bother us. If you're not okay with it, you're not okay with it.... and that's perfectly fine and acceptable. It's okay to have limits and guidelines to make you feel comfortable.... and maybe in time, you might become more okay with it... or maybe you won't... everyone's different.
 
Hi Nikianna,
My own concern stems out of previous posts under the "New relationship difficulties" thread. It's worth a read to see the big picture. This is not just about the BDSM.
Respect always, Nikianna
 
Thanks for pointing out the other thread.... and I do want to say that after reading that thread, my thoughts and suggestions aren't substantially changed because of the contents of that additional thread of information, except for maybe to suggest that part of the arrangement and boundries account for the fact that she's been feeling left out because she's not into BDSM and the others are.
 
Such is the beauty of sharing information and ideas. They are put out there for discussion and anlysis..if everyone had the same opinions and experience we wouldn't need forums :) Have a great night, Nikkiana (sorry I mispelled you name last time)
 
You don't have to embrace BDSM if it makes you feel too uncomfortable. Just allow for them to have their fun and negotiate a way so you don't worry about wandering into it.

But it sounds like you do want to explore it so you can deal with it better. Maybe watch them doing much lighter BDSM and see how you react. Let them know how you feel. See if you can appreciate the consentual aspect of their play and focus on that.

I don't think therapy is a bad idea, but I wonder how many therapists would blame polyamory as a problem.
 
I don't think therapy is a bad idea, but I wonder how many therapists would blame polyamory as a problem.

There are poly friendly therapists that exist... http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp/ - that tends to be the go to list... and often times kink-friendly professionals are also poly friendly, there's a list of those here... http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270 but of course, that doesn't really help if you're not in an area where they are... http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/polyfriendlytherapy.html also has some links to articles that would be good to share with your therapist if they're not familiar with polyamory.
 
Redpepper, I'm really confused by your response to this... It seems like she's asking a really heartfelt question here... What are you trying to get at with this reponse?
I understand that it is heart felt, really I do and I loved all the suggestions of questions to ask oneself... thanks for posting that. What I am trying to get at with my response is that there may be deeper questions to ask before the question of how to handle ones reaction to ones partner engaging in BDSM acts that are disturbing to myself. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems that there is many things going on and that just add more pressure... I don't know I would find myself wanting to slow things down a bit and create some boundaries before getting into BDSM scenes. If I wanted the situation to last any length of time I would certainly want to have more discussion on what was coming about more, rather than living it all in a couple of weeks and it fizzling out.
I guess I have lived that and would do it differently now... what do I know.... I don't live what lemondrop is going through and am not her so it is all just my perspective... but then that is what this is all about isn't it?
 
Thanks for the clarification, redpepper. I think I read the tone of your intial post as being a little more harsh than what you had probably intended. That's one of the troubles with written communication, sometimes tone is lost.

You're probably right that there are other deeper questions to ask than just the BDSM related ones, but since that's what the thread was about, that's what I decided to address in my response.... and from the experiences I've had, sometimes it's difficult to sit down and tackle and identify what those deeper issues are until after all the surface issues that are causing extra tension have been dealt with...

I do agree that slowing things down is a good option here, often times I have noticed (especially in myself) is that I tend to want to rush all the time to deal with things, and sometimes things take time and we need to slow down to deal with things that are difficult. I think it's a trap that people who are new to polyamory fall into because in many cases, you're retraining yourself to think differently than what you were taught to be true about relationships, and it takes a level of communication that often times we're not accustomed to using so it's difficult work that takes time.
 
difficult work does take a lot of time. but is so worth it! To me it takes time because there is a settling period. I can almost physiologically feel the differences in my body when the proper communication hasn't happened and I don't have all the input I need. Sometimes that input is not what I want to hear, and in that case I need the time for everything to stop and just settle in my body and become normalized. With poly I find that giving every issue the respect it deserves is so important. Almost as if that issue is another person that is the black sheep or trouble maker of the group if that makes sense. When I see it this way I am able to deal with it outside my body and not be as emotional about it... all the while still loving the person regardless and without bringing the issue at hand into that love.
does that make sense?
sorry, this is a bit off topic, but then again could be useful in dealing with the BDSM issue also.
 
"breath play" is definitely edge play and really not to be done by people who don't know what their doing. So i would really do some communicating about your concerns, because you're right, it can be very dangerous. Keep in mind, even though it's scary to see and think about - this was done with her full knowledge, after negotiating with him, and consent. So as long as he's knowledgeable about the safety issues and knows how to be safe, i would say doesn't appear to be "harming" her. Remember Bdsm is about Safe Sane and Consentual (even edge play can be done safely). So even if he appears to be "hurting" there is a different between that and "harming" her.

i've been in the Bdsm lifestyle for 10 years and am very active in my local community. Please feel free to ask me questions. Also, read, do research, have a sit down with both of them and talk to them about this aspect of your relationship. As you have not consented to any of these activities, it appears he has taken pains to not "harm" you.

marianna
 
okay, well me personally, i'm thinking you should all sit down and discuss what things your interested in trying in the bdsm style and then all decide what you would like to take part in and what you would rather be elsewhere while your partners engage in said activity.

past issues taken into account, perhaps you should consider dealving into looking online for all sorts of info into various activities your partners want to engage in, do simply put your mind at ease, find pictures even if you can so you know what to expect so its not such a shock seeing it next time. also perhaps asking your #2 husband to slowly as you'd both like take steps into this, it might help you get more comfortable with things and i get the impression he isn't too into it either, so perhaps the two of you can enjoy some very mild play with your other partners enjoy something more.

as with anyhting else that makes you hesitate, baby steps, let all your partners know this is bothering you and you want reassurance to not be bothered, and more baby steps if your wanting to eventually be okay with some bdsm however light. however, if talking, thinking and trying just in baby steps is really not workign for you, then i'd suggest talkign to your partners again and asking them to do this play elsewhere or on nights when your not there if you simpyl can't move past this. some things are simply hard limits and should be respsected. keep talking, take baby steps, but if its just not for you, ask them to accomadate you somehow and accept that this type of play is not for you.

good luck :)
 
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