Really need some help and advice please!

BadLucyLiu

New member
Hi, I'm new and in need of help please.

I have been with my husband in a mono relationship for 23 years.

He has had a fantasy of us having a 3-some with another woman and also another man at seperate times.

I didn't persue this as I have self esteem issues and didn't feel able to.

However, I eventually broached the subject with a close female friend, who I feel comfortable with and she agreed to think about it.

At the weekend, my husband and I were making love and ended up instigating text sex with my female friend.

He found this very arousing and so did she. Boyed with our success, He encouraged me to broach the subject with a guy I'd been chatting to online.

The guy was intrigued, but unsure if he could do it, so suggested we have phone sex first.

I've never done this before, so was nervous, but my husband agreed, as long as he was present.

We arranged to do it that night and I spent the day in a constant anxious/nervous, but excited state.

When the time came, the guy took the initiative and began talking to me. My husband became aroused watching my reaction, but it began to go wrong, because I followed the guys direction explicitly, rather than using my imagination and ended up straddling my husband and climaxing. I think it was a combination of nerves, anxiety and alcohol, which affected me and made me respond almost desperately.

My husband was enjoying it, but was upset that I had become aroused so quickly, as I don't with just him.

The other guy ended the call without climaxing and I felt terrible, as he was doing this for us.

My husband agreed that I could call him back and hopefully help him to climax, but I needed to do it alone, so that I didn't feel as awkward.

After reluctantly agreeing, I went downstairs and ended up chatting with this guy for over an hour before we got down to the phone sex.

It was much better the second time, as the guy had rushed the first time due to nerves.

Unfortunately, my husband didn't like feeling left out and has now informed me that it was only his intention for me to find someone to have a casual encounter with and that would be the end of it.

But I have discovered that I loved having the phone sex and want to make it a regular thing.

This has caused all sorts of problems as my husband doesn't like phone sex, or dirty talk during sex. He just isn't comfortable doing it. He feels jealous that I am getting pleasure from another man that he, himself, cannot give me.

I have discovered that I cannot have any form of sex outside my marriage, without making a connection with the other person first, which I have with this guy. He makes me feel relaxed and safe and comfortable.

My husband now feels he has opened pandoras box and doesn't know what to do.

He still wants to have the 3-somes and wants to try and work through this problem together, but I am very worried, as it has affected him physically and he is having trouble climaxing and maintaining an erection.

Luckily, we have a very strong relationship and are more concerned about hurting each other.

Am I poly because I want phone sex? Obviously, it is classed as a 'form' of sex, but I don't know if I come under the classification of being 'poly'.

Any suggestions, tips or advice would be much appreciated, as I don't want to give up this new relationship with the other guy, but I love my husband to bits.
 
Yes, your husband (and you) did open a Pandora's Box. But he has a misunderstanding about your sexual feelings. He ASSumed you could have sex without emotions. Casual sex, with someone's body (or voice) merely, no emotions attached.

Maybe some people can do sex like this, with no emotions, like robots. Many of us can't.
 
All this sex, does not make you 'poly'. Phone, sexting in bed,..thats not poly, thats just broadening your sexual horizons at best.

What potentially makes you poly-minded, is your discovery of needing a connection with another person, before being able to think about sex.

As for the rest of it,..your husband and you have rushed things. Slow down. It`s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment because things feel good. Unfortunately once all those feel-good horny moments pass, many people start thinking about the actuality of what they have done.


Anything new and unknown in life, is going to stir up doubt. Wether its a new hobby, a new house, or a new way of living. Swinging, Poly, Sex is no different. Acknowledge this. Help your husband to acknowledge all the doubts, and talk about working your way through them, instead of letting doubts control your life.
Do you let doubts stop you from buying a car ? a house ? changing careers ? Most of us weigh the odds of such things, and it becomes job/house/car specific. The 'right' deal makes us move forward.

If you need a connection with a person, but this scares your husband as he only wanted casual sex,..then you two could slow down, and start out just making the right 'deal' with each other.

Friendship,...to start,.??.but nothing more,...etc,....Who knows ?,..That is up to you two to decide.

As for the climaxing so quickly......tell him in a nice, wifey, loving way, to get over it. You were doing something new and titilating and your body responded to it. He`ll know exactly how that feels the first time another woman touches him again. He`ll have a 'lighbulb' moment when that happens. ( Do not rush out and have a 3some to prove this,..please.)

If it doesn`t, tell him to buy a new toy to use on you, and watch the same thing happen. Its natural for our bodies to respond to the rush and excitement of something new.


Random thoughts,..all I can think of for now. Good Luck !
 
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My husband now feels he has opened pandoras box and doesn't know what to do.

Luckily, we have a very strong relationship and are more concerned about hurting each other.

I can so relate to that. I opened the box - and now *I* am the one having issues. We are also in a similar situation where we don't want hurt each other.

It has been said a couple times on this forum that the situation should go as slow as the one with the most difficulties. In this case, your husband. He also needs to be very open with his feelings and what's going on for him.

It is, for me, an odd situation to have WANTED this - and now my whole being is fighting it... because I still do want it.

Jane
 
Hey Lucy,

I agree with Superjast in that this really has little or nothing to do with 'poly as such - at least yet.

But exploring sexuality between 2 or more people is always kind of opening that box. Our sexuality is a complex thing and not a lot of people are aware of that because of the lack of frank (or Frankie) discussion of sex in our culture. We talk all around the really important stuff - avoid that when possible.

And what happens ? Just as you discovered !
In a lot of cases when we discover a partners true sexual inclinations or preferences/kinks, if they don't resonate with us personally we get scared !
Are we no longer compatible ? Yikes !

In most cases, it doesn't mean that at all. Despite the new discoveries, it's highly likely that we still have mutual sexual interests/turn ons.

But what it DOES mean is that now we have to release some fear, along with some strange ideas about being the be all / end all to anyone in a sexual manner. There may be some areas of their sexuality that we either don't belong in or really aren't comfortable in.

And that perfectly OK !! Really. It is.

But we're not taught that and don't talk about it. But if you can get over that wall you actually reach a whole new higher level of connection with that person. You become a partner in helping them explore who they really are at a core level. And that type of sharing in most cases, if it's genuine, moves a relationship to a whole new level.

So I suggest being open minded and partnering with her in her explorations. As hopefully she will in your direction !

GS
 
There is some really good comments here. It seems that after a night, or whatever of casual sex, some people, who are newbies to it and just figuring out who they are, get that "OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE" feeling. Its a body feeling as much as a mind feeling, kind of of dread and guilt, and anxiety and excitment at the same time. I see it as similar to a hang over in that its a day after kind of thing. It takes some time to sort out feelings and allowing ones body to settle. There is an energy release when the culmination of fantasy becomes reality and it can be exhausting.

I would suggest just relaxing and letting it settle before moving on. See what comes of it and what new things you've bothe discovered. There is no rush. Explore all the options and realize that you are different people with different desires and needs. Please don't do something that you know will be uncomfortable and if you do, don't do it again and learn about yourself from the experience.
 
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It's been great reading everyone's comments. Things came to a head yesterday and I can honestly say that it was the worst day of my married life.

My husband fell to pieces and admitted that his feelings have spiralled out of control. He feels a huge amount of guilt and regret that he asked me to do this in the first place, which has caused me to discover that I want to have phone sex with another man.

If it was a complete stranger, he would be able to deal with it. What he can't deal with, is the fact that I have made friends with this other man.

We have decided to shelve the idea of having the 3some and he has asked me not to have phone sex for the moment.

But he doesn't want to take everything away from me, so said it would be okay for me to chat to this guy online, either through the forum, private messages or email, or Yahoo.

He knows that we will be having explicit conversations and he is going to try and relax about it.

The one great thing to come out of all of this, is the realisation that we love each other very much. After 23 years, things can become a little complacent and we feel very close to each other now, even more than before.

I hope that he can wrap his head around the knowledge that although I want to continue the phone sex with this other guy, it doesn't mean that I love my husband any less, or that I am going to want the phone sex more than I want my husband.

I guess only time will tell. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I cannot lie, I want to be selfish, I want them both.
 
Maybe he would benefit from doing some reading and discussing. Perhaps if he knew some of the concepts of poly and having an open relationship it will help him deal with what has come up.
 
It seems to me he was hoping for something more like swinging and it evolved in something more like poly, which made him feel insecure. I agree with RP that learning more about polyamory (and more specifically how it doesn't mean he's inadequate or not good enough, or anything like that) would probably help him.
Then you can see how he feels about it and whether he'll be fine with your connection with other men or not.
 
One of the advantages of polyamory (or swinging) is that it takes away the burden of having to try to be everything for your partner. For example, I know couples who got into swinging because one was heavily into BDSM while the others was not interested. Everyone gets the needs met and no one is doing something they rather not do.

To a lesser extent, it is true of other things like going to a movie (I don't like chick flicks so my wife has a friend who goes with her to see those) or resturants (I don't like Indian food, but another friend of my wife does).

Your hurband should check out NRE and that may help him understand that your reaction is not a rejection or reflection on him.
 
It's over. My husband hasn't been able to go to work, he's been in such a state. We haven't stopped talking, trying to find a compromise, a way to make things work, but he just can't.

He can no longer retain an erection, he cannot climax, he tried to give himself time so that he could come around to the idea of me having phone sex by asking me to just chat via email with this other guy, but he can't do it.

He's just called me from work, crying down the phone, telling me that he is sorry but he just can't share me, he loves me too much.

He is overwhealmed with guilt because he suggested this in the first place and doesn't understand that even though he is going through hell, the fantasy of me being with another man is still there, but the reality of it all is more than he can take.

I would rather cut ties with this other man, than loose my husband or my marriage, but when he told me, I felt he had cut my heart from my chest.

I now realise that I was kidding myself, telling my husband that it was just a bit of fun and nothing serious, because it is way more than that.

Being truthful with myself, I have to admit that the feelings I have for the other guy are very real. I have made a full, emotional connection with him.

The honest truth is that I want to be with this man as much as I want my husband.

I feel I could fall in love with him and the perfect scenario for me would be for my husband to be happy to let me have a full sexual relationship with this guy, without my husband even needing to be there.

I could never tell him that as I think it would destroy him. So I am going to have to pretend and tell him that although I am dissapointed, I'll get over it, which is not the case at all, but what else can I do.

My husband has told me that he doesn't want to take away the friendship I have with this other guy, so he would be okay with me chatting to him online, as long as no kind of sex is involved, but I can't do that, so I am going to have to remove his phone number from my phone and cancel my email account and cut all ties with him, otherwise I know that eventually, I am going to cheat on my husband and call this guy.

I want this other guy so bad, he has almost become an obsession. I wish with all my heart that this had never happened and I could have kept myself in blissful ignorance.

Instead, I have a husband who is an emtional wreck, crying all the time, incapable of having sex with me anymore and I have to be the strong one and pretend that I don't mind that he's given me something wonderful and then taken it away.

I feel so miserable and I'm going to miss this guy so much, but I have no choice if I'm going to keep 23 years of marriage going. I just pray I have the strength not to call him.

Thank you all so much for trying to help, I really appreciate it. Please keep your fingers crossed for us, that we can get through this.

I feel so devastated.
 
I'm not sure lying to him is the best option. He might realise you lied and that would be worse.
I agree you need to focus on him, though. Probably go through sex therapy together and see what you can do. But I feel you should be honest, so that he knows what you're sacrificing. Otherwise you will resent him for something he won't even know.
As long as you make it clear that you are here for him and that you won't pursue that other relationship because of the consequences on your husband, I feel it should be fine... I mean, the more that other man means to you, the more giving him up for your husband means, too. And it's important right now that he sees how much you love him and care about him.

It's your decision of course, but I tend to be of the opinion that while the truth can hurt, lying has the potential to be much worse, either by backfiring (he realises you lied) or for other reasons (the lie is worse to him than the truth and you didn't realise that).

Good luck either way. Take things slowly. Get your husband to enjoy sex again, that's your priority right now I assume. But if you're honest with him, at least you'll have the freedom to be sad about losing someone you cared for, and your husband can comfort you.
 
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Instead, I have a husband who is an emtional wreck, crying all the time, incapable of having sex with me anymore and I have to be the strong one and pretend that I don't mind that he's given me something wonderful and then taken it away.

Hey Lucy,

It's a hard decision - and hard how you came to have to make it - but in my opinion you are doing the right thing by dropping this external relationship. For now <<<<.

If it helps any, and not to discredit your feelings or any such, take my word for it that this "connection" you feel you may have established with this other guy is likely not all you think it is just yet. True connections require much more personal interaction to determine. It's more likely that what you are experiencing is a combination of lust, a taste of NRE, infatuation and the rush of the discovery of a new side (and potential) of yourself.

If there is any real potential in this other guy he will understand this. If not then you'll have more insight into his true personality & desires.

But more importantly (the golden lining ?) you have uncovered some real hidden issues your husband has been carrying around. There are some serious issues there that HE needs to confront and deal with. You're a team - right ? Try to get him to acknowledge these issues openly, realize how dangerous they are to his real being, and see if you can't work as a team on his personal growth.

If you can do this you both will benefit tremendously ! It's very likely something like this would have made those issues surface eventually so it may be that it happening in the way it did may be less painful and dramatic than some of the alternatives. Remember the lemons/lemonade saying ?

Good luck and keep us posted.

GS
 
You're absolutely right. Pretending to be unaffected is not going to help matters, so I explained to my husband that once he told me that he can't share me, my feelings for the other guy became more apparent to me and I realised that they were deeper than I'd thought.

He isn't happy about this, but doesn't blame me. Instead he is heaping guilt on top of his own head, which isn't going to help either of us.

I've explained this and he is going to try to get past it all. He wanted me to stay friends with the other guy, because I make friends very easy, but all my friends mean a lot to me. I care too much were his words.

The problem is that I believe, even if I could maintain a normal friendship with the other guy, would my husband be able to deal with it, knowing that I was developing feelings for him? Of course not, it would just cause more problems.

The other guy has gone away on a trip, so I can't speak to him until Monday. I have told my husband that I need to speak to him alone and probably on the phone, as it would be rude to end things via email.

He understands this (at least he says he does) and I just hope I don't break down over the phone and make an idiot of myself. Especially as I have no idea what the other guys true feelings are for me.

I therefore have no alternative, other than to cut all ties to the new sexual experiences that I was hoping to achieve in order to save my marriage.

I know that given time, I will be okay. It's just very hard to have to let someone go that you know in your heart, could have been very special.
 
Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a huge turn around in your marriage. I feel for you.

I agree that your husband may have some things to work on. Poor guy to be struggling so much. Sometimes in relationships people get so entwined with their partners that they covet them and keep them in their heart as if they have ownership over them. Of course they don't, because their partner is a person who has freedoms and desires and a life of their own. Yet it can happen without a couple knowing it is. Perhaps he and you are co-dependant?
Sometimes when a couple are doing the same thing for years and one does something different for a change, the whole boat gets rocked. It looks like your boat is rocked by this situation.

I think its a great idea to end this relationship you have with this guy to focus on your marriage. However, I also suggest that you don't lie. You could use this opportunity to make some changes in your marriage for the better rather than go underground. Going underground for the sake of someone else leads to depression, resentment, and the distruction of relationships in my opinion. Better to figure out what you need, ask him what he needs and go from there. This might require a therapist to help you as its no easy task, but I would like to suggest that if you are able to reach a point where you can negotiate some boundaries around your needs and then stick to them, you will have a better marriage and life all around.

I would wonder if one of your needs isn't so much to be with this other man, but to have the opportunity for closeness with another man in general. Or people for that matter. What are you doing I your life that is just for you? What kind of things can you do with your husband that are different? These may be the questions to ask. I think with time he will get through his inability to have sex. Sure its alarming but it is sending a message that has another meaning. What is it? Better to figure it out while the emotions are still fresh.
 
I too opened a pandora's box in my previous reletionship when my ex-wife wanted to explore a relationship with a woman who was a friend of ours. I got caught up in the sexual side of it, which generalling shuts our thinking brains down, and thought it would be a good idea. When reality struck I responded much the same way as your husband did. I thought I was going to die until I realized that I would be fine without my wife. I didn't need her to live, I was just afraid to not be with her. She spent one night with our friend but it didn't go any further than cuddling apparently.

The positive is that we reconnected for many more good years.

I feel for your husband because there are many things I wish I never did in life so I can relate. I feel for you because it looks like you really connected with this other man.

I don't see him as having issues that need adressing any more than you do...I see two people that may have developed different criteria to share themselves with others. Maybe he needs exclusivity, maybe you don't.

I hope you all find peace and health in this.
 
even though you feel you need to help your husband through this and reclaim your marriage,I urge you not to forget who you are and what brought you on this journey. Good luck.
 
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