New to poly with husband, seeking advice

msadams

New member
Hello,

This is going to be a long post. First and foremost, I very much appreciate you taking the time to read this. I would like to ask your opinion or thoughts on my current situation. I am open-minded.

History
My husband and I have been together for 6 years, coming up on being married for 2 years. I am in my late 20s, he in his late 30s. We have been in poly relationships and poly households prior to our relationship, but have been monogamous with each other from the beginning.

Our relationship
  • We started monogamous off-camera, mutually consented to by both of us
  • We are both on-camera sex performers
  • We have been monogamous off-camera for 6 years
  • Husband cheated on me the night before our wedding 2 years ago, and has had a history of internet relationships not consensually negotiated with me
  • We went to relationship counseling and resolved the infidelity issue
  • We had more problems, I left the marriage in April of this year
  • We went back to counseling and mended our marriage, we are back together and doing well and strong
  • Husband started courting a girl in August
  • Husband is now seeing the girl off-camera

In October, we petitioned to work at a new production company and have been under extreme stress since then, with very little sleep, privacy, and emotional intimacy due to our work and temporary living conditions. I am not doing well with the new partner concept. I cry a lot. I try to do my best and keep an open mind about it, but it hurts a lot that he wants to be with someone else. With the stress of our working environment and my self-esteem issues, I feel that I am very jealous, scared because of our history, and feel like he is being selfish, especially since he has decided to not be here for Christmas. But I know that he loves me.

Since we both have careers in front of the camera doing adult work, I don't have any problems with him engaging talent. He can do whatever he wants and I have no problems, hurts, or second thoughts, as long as it is in front of the camera. The same goes for me when I do on camera work. We have been working in front of the camera for over 9 years.

I can't really wrap my head around off-camera emotional intimacy. I don't know what that makes me. I just dropped him off at the airport so he can go be with the girl for two weeks and I just don't know what to do with myself.

I have fear of loss, emotional pain, sadness, grief, resentment, anger. These are honestly the emotions I am experiencing right now. I want him to be happy, and I understand that each and every relationship is in a constant state of transition. I also understand that I cannot inhibit his personal growth, but this really hurts. I don't know how to positively channel my grief and self esteem.

I understand also that he deserves the right to be happy, but at what cost to me?

Any input is appreciated. Thank you for your time.
 
The one part here that matters to me, given the history, is if you and he discussed his courting someone else before he did it?

If not, I don't really see how what he's doing now isn't cheating. He's just not being secretive about it. Cheating is about violating the boundaries of the relationship and if it wasn't clear that you were okay with that, it's not a very caring move on his part.

If you did make it clear that you were okay, but now that it's happening you're feeling differently, my only suggestion, as simple to say and hard to do as it is, is to talk to him about it. When new people are brought into your world, it naturally causes feelings. It's important to share those with him. Perhaps he's not aware of how much Christmas means to you, perhaps he is.

And more broadly, you've got to honor yourself before you can honor relationships with other people. He has a history of cheating, and even after working out the issues, he did it again. It seems that you also feel that him loving other people means less love for you. If this really is true in your interactions with him then you need to do what's best for you. You said he deserves to be happy, but so do you.
 
Hello and thank you for your response.

That is a good question. To clarify yes, the new partner was discussed between the two of us. I expressed an open mind, but could not guarantee how I would respond other than that I would try.

I have written him my boundaries of things I am and am not comfortable with. I know that this can easily turn into he said she said... somethings however I feel are a bit insensitive. Before he left I wanted to clarify so that he did not have any false expectations that I was not comfortable having anyone live with us at this time and his response was, "that's disappointing." Which in my heart kind of hurt... maybe I am being too sensitive?

I want to please him and be a good partner. I am really friggen torn. It would be absolutely wrong of me to day "umm... can you come back home?" When he booked the flights and everything to go out there. I need to give him the freedom of exploring these next two weeks, but I question whether I can do this anymore in this situation.

No matter what, I am not going to leave him. That is straight up. He is my husband and my life partner... but this sucks.

I also fear what would happen if I asked him to not see her again. He would be really upset and I almost feel that too would be wrong and inappropriate of me.

Lots of complicated things to think about.

Thank you again.
 
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Ms Adams, I don't have answers specific to the details of your situation, but IMO what you need to do is find something that is YOURS and YOURS alone, that has nothing to do with your husband, and cultivate that. It could be something as simple as finding a new book to sink your teeth into, or as complex as going out and starting/joining a club or charity, but you've got to work on your own self and then other aspects of your life will be put into perspective.

The thing is, it may sound simplistic, but it is not "easier said than done". You just may need to give it some time before the rewards become obvious.
 
you've got to honor yourself before you can honor relationships with other people. He has a history of cheating, and even after working out the issues, he did it again. It seems that you also feel that him loving other people means less love for you. If this really is true in your interactions with him then you need to do what's best for you. You said he deserves to be happy, but so do you.
This.

As I read through the story, it seems that you are committed to the relationship and he isn't. You said that you've been monogomous from the beginning - I'm assuming by agreement - yet he cheated multiple times, both physically and emotionally. You went to counseling and "resolved" those. There were more problems and you left. You came back and he began to see someone else.

The tone of how he's reacted to you has been that you either allow his roving or he'll do it anyway w/out your permission/agreement. To me that's not a poly relationship. That's emotional blackmail and someone who wants what he wants regardless of what his partner wants.

IMO, this is the point where it's a really hard choice for you. You have to decide if you are willing to accept his having other relationships in what (to me) seems to be a really selfish way (and not a way I'd classify as real poly), or if you're going to draw a line in the sand and say "I've had enough of being treated like I don't matter."

FWIW, if my husband were to find a second partner and then tell me that he was spending Christmas with her and not me, I'd be FURIOUS. In our family Christmas is important. He would be welcome to invite her to spend Christmas with us, but leaving me alone for 2 weeks over the holdiday? Unacceptable.
 
FWIW, if my husband were to find a second partner and then tell me that he was spending Christmas with her and not me, I'd be FURIOUS. In our family Christmas is important. He would be welcome to invite her to spend Christmas with us, but leaving me alone for 2 weeks over the holdiday? Unacceptable.

Ya, I wasn't too enchanted by that either. Poly or not, being married should mean that each person has the other person's back, and if one of you should have a problem, it becomes an "our problem".
 
Thank you. In my mind I have been thinking the same thing that you mentioned. Either I allow him to do it, or he is going to anyhow. Its difficult.

That is correct. We agreed to be monogamous at the beginning of our relationship and that was laid out crystal clear.

RE: Christmas. I realized I did not clarify an important point. He is not spending Christmas with her. He is flying to our home the day before Christmas, spending Christmas at our house alone, then flying back here on the 26th.
 
Thank you. In my mind I have been thinking the same thing that you mentioned. Either I allow him to do it, or he is going to anyhow. Its difficult.

So you're faced with the prospect of a marriage in which your feelings and needs about being monogamous are set aside? A marriage where your very legitimate concerns are responded to with disappointment rather than consideration? Is that really the kind of marriage you want to have? Achieving happiness for one partner at the expense of the happiness of the other partner is not happiness.
 
So you're faced with the prospect of a marriage in which your feelings and needs about being monogamous are set aside? A marriage where your very legitimate concerns are responded to with disappointment rather than consideration? Is that really the kind of marriage you want to have? Achieving happiness for one partner at the expense of the happiness of the other partner is not happiness.
Ceoli beat me to it.

Your thread title says "new to poly with husband" ... but this is not poly. This is flat out cheating. The fact that he has emotionally manipulated you into condoning the cheating doesn't make it poly.

You have taken time to express your concerns and your limits and he's shrugged them off, made you feel guilty for them, and ultimately ignored them.

I know it's easy for me to say, because I'm not emotionally involved or invested in this man, but this is not a relationship I'd want to stay in. At this point, I'd be telling him that I hoped it was going well with his new g/f, because he'll be living with her ... or anywhere else that's not with me.
 
I'd be saying all what Ceoli and Crisare are saying too, but for the fact that they are doing just fine without any help from me.

Carry on.
 
*sighing with full heartache*

((((((((Big Hugs)))))))

You sound so similar to the woman I love the most in this world, aside from my late wifey, and it hurts my heart to know she hurts so much. I wish I could erase all your pain, just like I'd take hers away.

I've heard this all before. My general advice would be get out, leave him, but I suspect you're not about to listen to that, either. Your hands are tied. You love this man with all your being. Perhaps he truly does love you as best as he can, and simply doesn't know how to care for your heart as well as someone else might.

Here's a hopefully helpful thought. Find something just for you, a new best friend, a new love, a new routine, a new hobby. Let it fill up all the time when he's away, and maybe some time when he is there. Let him know you're not going to sit idle while he is off doing whatever he wants.

Keep your friends close. Go spend time with them when your man is out and about. Perhaps it won't really take the pain away, but it can be distracting until you find something to take your mind off it. At least stop letting him call all the shots. Give yourself something to be happy about that doesn't involve him at all.

You sound as though you've made up your mind about staying with him. I'll respect that. Now, find something to do right this very minute. Invite friends over. Go spend the holidays with them or family, if they're close by. Just don't be alone. Too much alone time is not good for anyone's mind.

Find something to make you happy while he is away. You don't have to be happy for him, just be happy for you, your friends, your family. Fill your mind with anything but idle thoughts. Give yourself a big hug and go do something totally for you-- NOW!
 
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Hi Ceoli,

Thank you for your response. We are now open to negotiating monogamy and creating space for other partners. I noticed his ongoing interest in her and decided to initiate the conversation to open up our marriage. We have been having an ongoing discussion since August and he has been seeing her on and off (as she lives in LA and we are currently in NY) since then.

This is the first relationship I have been in as an adult where I was monogamous and in a single-partner relationship. (I am 28 we have been together since I was 22.) I feel like this is my first time with poly. I have been in poly households before, but feel they are not a base model for what I am experiencing now.

I have a difficult time balancing cynicism with logic lately, especially in matters of the heart. I feel like I could be ready for him to explore in the right environment. However, I do not want to be overly-controlling or hyper-vigilant about his experience. Also, I want to be considered and respected in the right way.

My concern: is what I am feeling jealousy, or am I being a normal human being about all of this? I'm not interested in making him out to be the bad guy. I want to do what is ethical for both parties involved and get myself off the emotional-drama rollercoaster. It's really hard for me to be reasonable, both intellectually and emotionally. I hope that makes sense.
 
Hello, and thank you for more responses! I will try and acquire a hobby in the interim. I really appreciate the support.
 
My concern is that is what I am feeling jealousy or am I being a normal human being about all of this? I'm not interested in making him out to be the bad guy and I do want to do what is ethical for both parties involved and get myself off the emotional drama roller coaster. Its really hard for me to be both intellectually reasonable and emotionally.

I hope that makes sense?


I'll take this one: Your gut is telling you what's right and you know you should listen to it. The "feeling" is that you don't want what your gut is telling you to be right.
 
We are now open to negotiating monogamy and creating space for other partners. I noticed his ongoing interest in her and decided to initiate the conversation to open up our marriage.
But you see, this isn't a "negotiation" really. It's that he is going to do this thing and your choice is to accept it, or not accept it, and have it happen anyway. That's not negotiation.

I feel like this is my first time with poly. Even though I have been in poly households before, I feel they are not a base model for what I am experiencing now.
Because what you're experiencing now is not, IMO, poly. It's coerced approval of cheating. It's not poly when one person's feelings, concerns, and insecurities are simply dismissed without discussion.

My concern is that is what I am feeling jealousy or am I being a normal human being about all of this? I'm not interested in making him out to be the bad guy and I do want to do what is ethical for both parties involved and get myself off the emotional drama roller coaster.
And what about him? Is he wanting to do what's ethical for both parties? It sounds to me as though you are pulling all the "blame" on yourself. I realize you don't want to make him out to be the "bad guy," but what he's doing right now is not ethical or right. It's certainly not poly, as I believe poly to be.
 
First of all, welcome to the forum and *big hugs*. What you're grappling with is by no means easy, and while I don't really have much to add that hasn't already been said, and probably better than I could say it, I wanted to offer my support and comfort.

In general, I do think it's awfully big of people to consider polyamory as an option after a breech in trust, and I commend you for trying to be open to possibilities. But truth be told, opening a relationship that has unresolved trust issues from past transgressions and isn't strongly rooted in open and honest communication isn't going to solve any problems. It's more likely going to create more problems, more resentment, more heartache.

My heart goes out to you. I know I'm merely a stranger on the Internet, but I live in the same general area as you, so if you feel you need a friend, feel free to PM me here on the forum and we can either chat online or go out for tea or something.
 
Hello. Thank you for the introduction and support. It's greatly appreciated. It's a lot to think about. I do not wish to make any hasty decisions, and everything everyone has said today will rest heavily on my mind. Thank you for your time.
 
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