Reuniting considerations

JuliaGay

New member
Hello. :) I've been contacted by a former partner who wants to reunite. I'm looking for some advice on things I ought to be considering as I decide whether to do this or not.

Here's the background: We met earlier this year and fell deeply in love pretty quickly. Things between he and were/are good, for the most part. He broke up with me when his wife invoked her veto power because she couldn't manage her own emotions about him loving another person. The sex part was just fine with her. He has been in polyamorous relationships before, but not with this wife. He kept saying she was handling it okay and then I got blindsided by the veto. They do not have rules/guidelines/whatever that say the primary partner must meet the potential partner before a relationship begins, but we were planning to meet when he broke it off. I think not meeting her earlier may have contributed to her issues, but I'll never know for sure.

And here are my issues: While I love him deeply, I'm feeling a bit of whiplash. We communicated a few times via email after he broke things off. He told me consistently that he thought his wife would change her mind. It took her about a month to do that. Not knowing her at all, I had no way to gauge the truth in that. So I started the grieving process and preparing to move on. I've been through most of the stages at one point or another since I tend to slide back and forth through them....

I've insisted on meeting her before we go any further. I have asked for some assurance from both of them that I won't be treated as disposable again. And that when something comes up, she'll agree to work through it rather than invoking veto immediately. And that he will remind her of that agreement if she tries. While I know that reuniting with him will be risky based on our past, I am trying to mitigate some of the risk. I'm aware that they could both lie, but I believe that most people keep their word once they've given it.

What else should I be considering? I'm drawing a blank and I'm sure there are other things.

Thanks in advance for your help! :)

JG
 
I'd ask her to permanently give up veto powers. If unwilling, I'd not get involved again.
 
I agree with River. The idea of veto powers is really unsettling for me. A willingness to give them up would be an indication from them that they do not view you as disposable.
 
I understand the veto and I know it can be necessary. If the OSO does something very damaging to the primary partner or to the primary relationship, the veto power is necessary. I've observed it used that way in other relationships. In 15 years, I've never seen it used because the primary partner can't handle their emotions before now, though.

So I will clarify that I am asking for the veto power to be used only in the event that I commit some egregious act, not in the event that she finds she can't handle it emotionally.

Thank you for helping me clarify that. :)

JG
 
So I will clarify that I am asking for the veto power to be used only in the event that I commit some egregious act, not in the event that she finds she can't handle it emotionally.

What if the other woman commits some egregious act? Do you get to veto her for such an offense? Or is this power hers alone?
 
No, I will not have veto over her. She is married to my partner and I understand that she has a higher priority in that sense. If she does something egregious, I will have the option of working it out with her or leaving my relationship with him. That risk I am willing to take. Being treated as disposable, I'm not.

I'm already saying that I won't be treated as disposable and that is a deal breaker for me. I'm really wanting to know what other things I should be considering....

Thanks. :)
 
I can understand feeling whiplashed. And, were I in your place, I would be a bit pissed at the notion that I could simply resume a relationship as if there was an on-off switch, after being tossed aside so easily. That being said, I have had experiences in the past of getting back with old boyfriends and it working out okay, so I'm not of the mind that you can never go back again. The important thing, I think, is not to assume that you are all still the same people you were, even if it's only been a few months that have passed. And, as far as what to ask for this go-round, I think it would behoove you to ask that the status and shape of your relationship with this man be determined by the two of you only. That issues between him and his wife be worked out among the two of them, but that you and he decide what to do about issues in your relationship. I would try to develop at least a friendly relationship with her, and be sure to express that your needs and emotions shouldn't be taken for granted ever again.

And perhaps I would ask for a "probation" period to see if it will work out. I know that sounds odd, but I would be afraid to give my heart again if there was still a chance it could be jerked around like that again. So I think if you set a time period, like a month or two, where you can check in and revisit whether or not things are going well, for everyone, AND that if his wife leans toward vetoing again, that there be discussion first (no blind-siding) and it can't get vetoed until that time period is reached. Of course, she would have to agree to that as well, but it might give you all a sense of security. Make sense?
 
Thanks, nycindie. :)

The probation idea sounds like a good one. I'll have to think about how I'd want to present that. And what it means to me, so I can communicate it effectively.

I am pissed, although I, too, want to reunite. The bond we developed is quite strong and I believe our connection is worth it. I just want to feel respected and as though I have some emotional safety. I know all relationships are risky, but this one has already proven to be so....

I know probably I'm nuts, but I'm in love even with all that has happened. I want to make it work, if we can. I'm waiting for him to respond to my request (? not really a request since it's a deal breaker, but I'm not sure what other word to use).

JG
 
i like cindies idea of a probation period of sorts.... its a great idea.
reality though sometimes rears its ugly head. i dont know you well enough yet julia, to know if you can compartmentalize your feelings like that. I myself have the benefit of being able to redirect feelings back toward my primary (gemzi13), and allow things to develop slowly toward a love interest, or even quell a large portion of heartache... i dont know... its kind of weird. however some people cant, gemzi has this challenge, her heart is all in before you know it, that just how she is. (very very loving)

it seems you are already exercising my first piece of advice.... which would be:
1st.: use your mind and your heart at the same time. the mind tends to be smarter, but the heart is so much louder.

b.: i think a sit down with his primary is in order as you mentioned, for a talk. the problem i foresee is that she was involved in the initial heartache. she was not alone. and the question arises.... did his primary see a trend in him that scared her, did he handle nre in such a way that did not make her feel like a third wheel, unwanted, or like she was losing him?

number 3: whiplash hurts for a long time, be sure to pick up a neck brace at the pharmacy.

i wish you the best of luck with this, as always try to keep and open mind and heart, but let the mind do the talking, and be as objective as possible. never know what a sit down discussion will reveal if all parties are open and honest, tempered with compassion.

schtuff
 
I've insisted on meeting her before we go any further. I have asked for some assurance from both of them that I won't be treated as disposable again. And that when something comes up, she'll agree to work through it rather than invoking veto immediately. And that he will remind her of that agreement if she tries.

I forgot to say in my earlier post that I think it's great you've already asked him for these considerations. You really come across as a strong, balanced woman with her head on straight and it's very appealing.

Oh, and I just went back to read your Intro thread. I assume this is the same man you spoke of there. You said you came here for support because you were still getting over that relationship ending... and now there's a turnabout! In that thread, you wrote:
I believe that most of the problem was that he didn't know how to temper his NRE and that drove her nuts.

I do think meeting with her will help this time around. Maybe you can even say you want it to be friends-only for a little while. I hope it works out for you!
 
Last edited:
Yep, NYC, this is the guy I talked about when I first got here. I don't know for sure that his NRE was threatening to her. I'm hoping to be able to ask her in person.

schtuff, I don't compartmentalize well at all. I'm hoping to keep my resolve when I see him in person. Although I have not stopped my grieving process, just sort of put it on hold. I don't seem to be able to get beyond the deal breaker, so it appears to be a roadblock for me. And that's a good thing, I think.

I'll go get a neck brace. I think I'm going to need. :p

Thanks for the input and the support. It really means a lot to me.

JG
 
I just don't get why a veto power should ever exist. If you do something egregious, shouldn't he *want* to break up with you? If you were, say, ongoingly cruel to his wife, why would he want to stay with you? And hell, if he did want to stay with someone who was cruel to his wife and wouldn't stop her cruel ways, then that would say he didn't care much about his wife... in which case, why would *she* want to stay with him??

I just... being a secondary myself, I just can't stand the whole idea of veto power. Obviously if she thinks you're bad for him, or bad for their marriage, she can talk to him and she could say things like "I think you should leave her" or "I can't stay if you stay with her." But those are conversations, it's different. I mean, I suppose it's a semantic difference at that point, but...

Just, fuck the whole veto thing. Fuck it. I don't think I could stand knowing one was in place. And after you've been burned once by it, I don't see how you could stand it. I don't mean to be hurtful to you, just wanted to be honest.
 
AnnabelMore, I hear you. But we will have to agree to disagree on part of it.

However, that's not what I have asked for. I've asked for help with my blind spots to see what else I could/should be considering. Do you have anything to offer on that topic?

I've been burned by lots of things in relationships over the decades. If I were to deny myself relationships because I've been burned...well, I'm not willing to do that. I need relationships, so I persevere. :) I've also had positive experience in relationships which include the primary partner's veto rights. It's not all bad.

JG
 
I hope I didn't make you feel attacked, because despite the fact that I wouldn't do it myself, that doesn't mean I think it can't be the right choice for you. It makes me wonder, really, *why* the topic makes me so upset, since the difference really is only a semantic one.

As for helpful advice instead of just strongly worded opinions on the broader topic at hand... er... not so much, I'm afraid. I can say, at least, that I know from experience that restarting a relationship with an ex can work. Good luck!!
 
No, I didn't feel attacked. Just didn't want to get into a debate about veto powers. I agree that what you wrote is about semantics. And introspection is never a bad thing. :)

Thanks for the good wishes. We'll see where it goes. I haven't heard back from him on my need for assurance about the disposable thing. He tends to need a few days to think big things through, so hopefully I'll hear from him this weekend. If not, oh well.....

JG
 
If the NRE indeed was an issue, I wonder if there is a way to mitigate that, perhaps by taking things very slowly. Maybe not jumping into the fire right away and letting things build.

Annabel, maybe you can share some of the things you asked for or wrestled with internally when you decided to get back with Davis. Oh, Julia, if you haven't read Annabel's blog, you should. She's a wunnerful writer and her story is inspiring.
 
Going slowly is also a good thing, NYC. That's part of what a probationary period would be for me, I realize. Slowness is going to be enforced on us pretty soon since I will be going out of town for three weeks and he will be leaving for 10 days three days after I return. So there'll be a month and change of long distance communication only.

That's if we're still talking. I hate silence. I have no idea what's going on and it's very hard for me to be in limbo. I made my request for assurance on the disposable issue two days ago. I'm trying not to be impatient. *sigh* We've got 10 days until I leave to try to figure something out.

Thank you to everyone for their comments and support. It's really helpful to have this forum to talk about my struggles. :)

JG
 
Aww, thanks Nyc. :) But I'm afraid I really don't think I have any advice to give here. My relationship with Davis both ended and restarted for very different reasons than what Julia is dealing with. And in restarting things I actually let Davis exercise a sort of veto by agreeing to table my sexual relationship with Harry. It's true that Harry and I weren't "officially dating" but, again, semantics...
 
Well, I am finally getting to meet and talk with D in person tonight. We've been phoning and emailing for the last week since our schedules didn't mesh.

I know what I need from him, I know what I should do if he says he can't meet that need...but I'm not sure I am strong enough to walk away if he says he can't. :eek: If you're so inclined, I'd appreciate any good luck, good thoughts, strength energy, or prayers depending on your spiritual preferences.

Thanks. :)

JG
 
Update

Well, my meeting with D went very well. He told me, before I could ask, that should his wife try to veto again he is prepared to stand up to her and not acquiesce right away. That makes me feel safer. Not completely safe, but safer.

I have also met her now. I did not ask her for assurance that she won't pull out the veto again unless the three of us can't work something out. I will at a later time. It just didn't feel right during this meeting, so I didn't ask. Trying to listen to my gut more.... :)

D and I have agreed to go slowly. We've talked in depth about what we want this relationship to be. We have a date tonight. So far, so good. But I know it's early...

Thanks again for listening and sending energy.

JG
 
Back
Top