Wide Awake

It seems to me that Kensi didn't handle her end of the polyamorous deal appropriately. In addition, I don't think Matt wanted her to be a third parent, which is yet another reason why polyamory turned out to be such a bad idea for you guys. It's an open-and-shut case, really. Monogamy is working out 100% better.

You have the opportunity (in the present) to put your family first; that's what I'd do and not worry about where Kensi is on the priority list. Kensi already had her chance to be all too high on that list. Do right by your family and let the rest of life fall into place in its own due time. That's my vote anyway.
 
I can unequivocally say that Jayde's parents are quite simply bloody daft and complete and utter fucking idiots. I have never seen such determination to show the world, "Look at me. Look at us. Look at our "well-adjusted" child of a poly family." Meanwhile, the girl was coming unglued at the hinges and hating the lot of them. Congratulations to her parents. They formally and officially failed at parenting successfully or well at all. If I am not mistaken, she has severed all ties with her mum. I, too, foolishly thought that someone being with me meant they were on the same playing field as my child's other biological parent. How can more love possibly hurt a child? That logic works until it blows up and your child gets hurt. Love is certainly not fixing my relationship with my child. Straight BS. Kensi had no business being deemed a third parent or second mum to either of my children. I know some parents mean well, but third mummy or daddy may not be needed. I did it to make her feel like a co-primary and equal partner in our V. Mistake, mistake, mistake. She was too flaky to take on a role of that magnitude.

I have learned. Let a child decide what they want your partner to be to them. That was kind of the vibe I got from Jayde. This notion of third parent was shoved down her throat before she was old enough to vocalise and decide what this person was supposed to be to her, and she pushed against it because it was not natural or what she even desired. Her parents fatal mistake was not listening and letting her have a say when it came to that. IMO, this is no different than mum or dad remarrying and expecting a child to start calling the new parent mum or dad. Fucking a child's parent does not mean you deserve that title. Especially if your behaviour and how you interact with the child do not mirror that. Some people are not cut of the cloth to be a parent. It sounds like Jayde's parents had no business procreating. What a mess they have made. I am usually all for healing what has been hurt, but that girl is better off without her parents.

It seems to me that Kensi didn't handle her end of the polyamorous deal appropriately. In addition, I don't think Matt wanted her to be a third parent, which is yet another reason why polyamory turned out to be such a bad idea for you guys. It's an open-and-shut case, really. Monogamy is working out 100% better.

I think life is running much more efficiently because I am not stretched beyond my means and running on fumes. I have energy for those people and things important to me. I never had the time to maintain a relationship outside of my marriage. I have more "free" time now but still no time for a relationship. That tells me everything I need to know.

You have the opportunity (in the present) to put your family first; that's what I'd do and not worry about where Kensi is on the priority list. Kensi already had her chance to be all too high on that list. Do right by your family and let the rest of life fall into place in its own due time. That's my vote anyway.

Thank you for your vote. :) Family comes first. As much as being a mother wears me out, it is my single greatest accomplishment. Nothing can steal the joy that stems from me being a hands on mum and wife.

I have no idea where Kensi fits in. I have not thought about it. I will deal with her in time. *shrug*
 
That sounds right to me.

Re: Jayde's parents ... they remind me of my stepmother: completely clueless and relentlessly overbearing. I agree that they had no business procreating.

Luckily, I don't think your kids will have to share Jayde's fate. They have a mum with sufficient guts and humility to recognize when something was a mistake and correct it. That stuff's in the past now, and good riddance I say.

With respects and regards,
Kevin T.
 
Ry,
Just wanted to poke my nose in and say that I'm reading, and thinking about you. Sounds like the blowup between you and Kensi needed to happen, and I'm glad this stuff is getting brought out into the open, discussed, argued about, and whatnot. And I'm glad things are looking up for you and your daughter (and yes, I agree - you're THERE now. Deliberate and meaningful action goes miles toward rebuilding trust).

As for Jayde's parents, if this is the comment thread I read a few months back, then yes, I agree they were completely self-absorbed. On the flip side, it doesn't take poly to be self-absorbed, as you and Kevin alluded to - folks who remarry after a divorce and try to force the new partner into the family can do the same thing. My younger daughter likes Chops, my older one, not so much. Shrug. He's not their dad, and I told them flat-out that he's not going to try to be one. I'm just looking for them to respect him as a person. If I tried to make him their "stepdad"? Hoo boy, I could see THAT going over well. :rolleyes:

As for "Sex at Dawn", I will just say this: agriculture led us to staying in one place, which led to the ability to pay attention to more artistic and academic pursuits. I will never consider that a bad thing, because... SCIENCE! There are other benefits to our species (life expectancy, for one) that came out of it, so to say it's a bad thing and we could all be happier in a big poly tangle all boinking each other as we hunt and roam totally ignores the fact that we are a hell of a lot healthier and long-lived (and, oh, have been to the moon and shit like that). I'm not bashing your enjoyment of the book, Kevin (even though it sounds like I am); it's just where I find fault with a lot of pop-evo-psych stuff - evidence is hand-picked to support a theory, without doing an analysis on how it all fits into the big picture. But, I guess that would be pretty boring to read. :)

Ah well... this was going to be a quick poke in to say I'm still reading and now look... BLA BLA BLA! Hope all goes well, Ry. :)
 
Re: Sex at Dawn ... not a problem YouAreHere. Whereas I agreed with much of the book, their harping on agriculture was one thing I found a tad annoying. I mean they found a way to blame pretty much every bad thing that's ever seeped into the human race on agriculture. Whereas I'm more inclined to take your perspective on it. Development of new technologies is a good thing, even if it confronts us with new challenges. Kind of right-wing for me to be like that, I suppose, but ...

Okay, so back on topic. Just wanted you to know I agreed with your (whole) post.
 
Not much going on in my world. We took our children to Washington, D.C. and a few other places. Our girls are history buffs, so they were more than excited to see the Lincoln Memorial, White House, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial, Pentagon and the Memorial, Reflecting Pool, Washington Monument, etc. I had never visited the District of Columbia, so it was quite interesting to see all these important monuments and places I had seen in movies or on telly shows. Washington, D.C. was not what I was expecting at first glance. I was not used to seeing graffiti, bars on windows and doors, or the erratic driving. We ate at the infamous Ben's Chili Bowl and had cupcakes from Georgetown Cupcake. I had seen their telly show and was keen to try to them. They were quite delicious. I definitely gained a few kilograms. I do want to visit again because there was so much to see and do. It is a unique place for sure!

The good news is my youngest daughter and I were provided several opportunities to bond one-on-one. She had endless energy, and while Matt and our other two children were regrouping, we were out sightseeing and touring. We are slowly getting closer. She reached for my hand multiple times, and I left her lead the way--with the help of my mobile's GPS. There are little glimpses of hope. We were visiting the Natural History Museum, and she saw a pair of Marie Antoinette's earrings. She recognised her portrait. She told me, "Mummy, we have to visit the Louvre and Versailles. The King built Versailles because the Louvre was not big enough for him. She [pointing to Marie Antoinette] lived there and said, "Let them eat cake." She saw the Hope Diamond and recognised it as being "bad luck." My five year old was schooling every one around her. I am not surprised because she loves to read and loves history. If she wants to visit the Louvre, God willing and if I am living, I will make it happen in September/October.

I have not read Sex at Dawn. Is it worth reading?

I do hope you are all doing well. I am about to fix lunch for my children and get my son ready for his nap. I do have other updates, but they will have to wait. I have a short window of time to get any work done once my son is down for his nap. :)
 
I think "Sex at Dawn" is worth reading. That is not to say I am a starry-eyed devotee; there were things in the book that I disagreed with, and still disagree (or at least take issue) with. But that actually has to do with one of the things I like about the book: It boldly challenges common assumptions, and forces the reader to think. My brain enjoyed the workout. Not that it is dry or technical reading, not at all. It is quite friendly and conversational, even entertaining. But it doesn't let anyone sit back with their complacent beliefs intact. One must figure out how to clarify whichever beliefs one wants to retain.

All that aside, I'd say I agree with about 80% of the authors' opinions. The two major items I take issue with are the ideas that:

  • all humans are naturally non-monogamous,
  • agriculture is the root cause of all human evils and sufferings.
Not that the authors come right out and say those things, but they certainly insinuate them.

Now I don't totally disagree either. I do think society at large underestimates how many humans are very adaptable to non-monogamy, and I can see (having read the book) how agriculture introduced many challenges to human evolution, and that we've a long way to go in overcoming those challenges.

The book introduces other particular ideas that I quite fancy, above all I think the idea that humans are much more sexually charged than society at large assumes, and indeed that human females in particular are usually singled out and far underestimated (and stifled) as regards their sexual appetite. The authors are also critical of the sex negativity that pervades so much of our world, and I'm right with them on that.

At some point in our prehistoric past, our ancestors split into two groups of descendants. One group evolved into humans. The other group split again and evolved into chimps, and bonobo chimps. In comparison, "regular" chimps are more warlike than bonobo chimps, while bonobo chimps are really, really slutty. The authors ask whether humans are more bonobo or more regular chimp, and suggest we are more of bonobo temperament. I agree about 50% with that notion. I think humans have both bonobos and regular chimps in their genes. Sometimes we make love, and sometimes we make war. Actually we do a lot of both. But that doesn't mean we're doomed to forever be natural-born killers. We have the will and the brains to choose our future evolutionary path. Ahem; at least that's what I think.

[shrug] I'm sure "Sex at Dawn" won't be everyone's cup of tea. But I, personally, would recommend it. Definitely worth the while reading, a fun romp for your thoughts and philosophies.
 
If you have any interest in polyamory, Sex at Dawn is a good read.
 
Insomnia and a restless brain stopped me from sleeping. I stayed up like I did not have to work. I am not feeling all that wonderful today. Therapy days with Eis tend to have that affect on me. It has to get better. When? I cried on and off all night. I have no idea why. Depression is some bullshit. I do not have time for this.

Matt thinks I should take a leave of absence and take care of myself. Then, I can sit at home alone and remind myself just how empty and lonesome I feel. My career is the only thing I have not botched in my life. It is my outlet and escape from all that is going wrong around me. My emotions are stabilised because when I am on the clock, I am focused on everyone but myself. I am still not willing to get on antidepressants. I am sorry but being so doped up I cannot recall my name just to numb myself is not an option. I need to feel and allow myself to grieve and feel something that is not drug induced.

Things with my daughter go up and down. Her lack of trust is evident. She has no grasp on censorship, so her delivery is raw. She is outspoken and has verbal diarrhoea. She is emotionless unless provoked, and then, rage and violent outbursts transpire. There is a certain coldness when she looks through me sometimes. Then, there are days like Monday where she was with me the whole day. My oldest and youngest were at school and the nursery, respectively. We had breakfast at a cafe 30 minutes away, went to the zoo and aquarium, had lunch, attended a children's tiffin at the Langham, and went for a walk with hot chocolate before heading home. I let her lead all conversations and did not push. We baked sugar cookie monsters and watched Frozen. She snuggled up to me and fell asleep. After the movie, we picked up my other two children. She was well-behaved from start to finish. The high days are high, but the low days belong in the trenches of hell. I was forewarned to expect the night and day sides of her personality. One side of her is keen to warm up to me, but the other side fights it. The other side is a landmine filled with triggers and rage. It reminds me of someone with DID. I suppose therapy is helping her.

My MIL made a special trip here yesterday because she was concerned about me. I was just waiting for her to gloat and be smug. I told her, "Go ahead. Tell me just how bad of a mother I am. I know you want to." She pulled me into her arms and held me while I cried. She told me she could never because it was breaking her heart to see me like this. Her fear is that I will ultimately hurt myself because of guilt. My mum is in England, and I happily welcomed a maternal figure. I suppose my MIL does love me and wants me to get better. She told me if I was weak, I could not be strong for Eis because no matter what she says or feels, she needs me. As do my other children. My MIL volunteered to relocate here temporarily to lessen my load and provide me with the chance to focus on my mental health and well-being. According to her, my smiles are now forced, do not reach my eyes, and I look fragile and dead inside. I just may take her up on it. Therapy is slow going. I am of no service to my children if I can barely make it hour to hour without fighting the urge to cry or isolate into a dark room of wistful silence. One thing my child's therapist suggested was seeking a support group of parents of children with RAD/AD. Joy. I can recount my failures to a bunch of strangers. I am too much of a pessimist to believe it would actually help.

I will be okay. I do still have my health, children, a job, my life, and the love of a man who loves me through and believes in me with his whole heart. Every experience is room for growth, right?

I talked to Kensi. I am like a cheetah during a cheetah run when I am around her. Bait is placed, and I get to the max amount of kms to catch it and rip it to shreds. It goes from 0 to 100 in seconds. We tried therapy, and it was a bloodbath. The first 25 minutes were alright. The argument came up. The therapist asked if I had admitted any of my faults. I answered. She said something about me hurting her. I stepped out of my skin, and asked her, "Bitch, were you concerned with my feelings when you were smiling in my face and plotting to hurt me? When did you care about my feelings? Was it when you were jealous of my child? Was it when you were pretending to love my child to get closer to me? Or maybe it was when you had stretched your rope and decided to lasso me in, huh, Cowgirl? You spent years planning the most painful experience of my life and never once respected me enough to give me a say in how my life would play out, and you did not consider my feelings in the wake of you thinking you knew what and who was best for me. You, my dear, can slip a condom on, lube it up, and do me a favour: fuck your feelings raw." The therapist just sat there looking like, "What did I take on?" Poor man. We just might be too far gone for his help. Oh well. I foresee future sessions going like that because talking out tension only works with a level-head. Calm is not a word I would use to describe myself when it comes to Kensi. We tried therapy. Blood was shed. Why bother again?

I have to get my children off to school, but Happy Thursday.
 
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I loved visiting DC 2 years ago. My favorite was the WWII memorial. I took my then 17 year old, who is a military and history buff. It was fun watching him get so into visiting the museums and such. I need to go back when I have a few more days to see all the stuff I missed. We also went to Ben's Chili Bowl :). I thought traffic in Los Angeles was bad, they are just crazy in DC, we walked a lot.

While I don't see anything wrong with sending the kids to grandmas for a day or two, every now and again, I would tread carefully in your situation and check with the therapist first. Now on the other hand, 5 year olds do tend to have absolutely NO filter on the things they say and have just enough knowledge on how to use it against you. Now, the rage can't be tolerated nor taken personally. If she goes into a rage, it's time to send her to her room until she gets it out of her system. When she's willing to be respectful, she can re-join the family. I tend to "rage" and it usually isn't reasonable and it needs to "run it's coarse" before my brain can function again. I have learned to recognize this and will isolate myself until it has passed. Both of my boys did these kind of things too (have holes in the walls to prove it). It sounds like she might cycle in and out of depressive moods like you are. Would it help to keep track of the good days?
 
I don't have any profound advice to offer, I just wanted you to know that I hear your pain and I am sorry you are going through it. Sometimes the best we can do is endure from one day to the next -- or from one breath to the next. :(
 
D.C. was interesting. I thought the White House would be bigger. I would love to visit again.

A good day turns into a bad day with the snap of my fingers. She has triggers. Her therapist said it could be a time, name, smell, a word, or anything. She does cycle like I do. I know her symptoms mirror mine. I have to be mindful of how I come off.

Their Grandma wants to move in or nearby and help out around the house. These days I just want to lay in bed and be by myself. Housework cannot be neglected. For that reason alone, a housekeeper was considered. It is not off the table. I am sitting in bed, eating popsicles, watching My Fair Wedding, and shopping online to feel better like I do not have plenty of housework to do. No desire. Thank God for my MIL being here. Nothing would get done until Matt or our girls got here. I probably would not leave the house today if I did not have to pick them up or attend family therapy tonight. My MIL has already informed me that we have a lunch date, and I need to be dressed by 12 because the reservation is for 12:30. She is determined to keep me active.

And thank you, Kevin. I have no idea how people cope with prolonged periods of depression. This will not last always. Keep calm and push forward, right?
 
Absolutely right. Don't give up.

You have a lot of people pulling for you ... including me and many other members here on this forum.
 
D.C. was interesting. I thought the White House would be bigger.

Me too :)

A good day turns into a bad day with the snap of my fingers.

So keep track of the good times in 4 hr chunks or such (and how long it's been since she ate last when the melt down hits). Give her stickers for each 4 hrs without a melt down and a reward when she builds up a bunch. If she can express the frustration she is feeling WITHOUT the rage or overall melt down, then she can still get a sticker, etc.

I know you don't want meds for the depression, but definitely get help for it (therapy, vitamins, sunshine, exercise, etc.), it's starting to sound chronic, good for a few weeks and back into depression. I'd go for the housekeeper, nothing depresses me more than looking at a messy house and knowing I don't have the energy or desire to clean it up, makes me feel worthless, even if I have a good excuse.
 
That sounds like good advice SNeacail.
 
Thank you for that excellent advice. I think I will try that. :)

I am still breastfeeding, so the list of what I can take is ridiculously short. The side effects of the available ones are dreadful. I am in CBT, and I want to avoid antidepressants at all costs. Depressive cycles are a pain in my side, though. It does seem to be chronic. I would love to be levelled again. That is where those lovely drugs come into play.

Sunshine is rare these days. It is winter and days are maybe 14-16○ and the nights are maybe 6○. Cooler weather. Plus, the weather has been rainy, stormy, and cloudy. I welcomed the summery weather in D.C. There is something to be said about sunny weather and blue skies. I definitely felt better and took every opportunity to be outside. I was happy on holiday. I do believe the weather played a part because even when babe and I got caught in the rain, it was still okay. I was happy and laughed off my blowdry being ruined. Then again, passionate kisses in the rain will make anything better. I could use more sunshine and happy moments in my life.

I am getting back into being involved with my philanthropic endeavours. I enjoy charity work. It makes me feel good inside. It is similar to work, but it is a beautiful distraction.

I am forcing myself to exercise. I am working out with Matt today. The weather is crappy, so no walking like we normally do. My nutritionist has been made aware my depression, and she is tweaking my diet. My diet plays an important role, too.

I will look into hiring a housekeeper and other staff. I do prefer my home to look like a model home. I just have no desire to clean. A clean home is supposedly a happy home!

I am getting out of the house today. My little charmer is spending the day with us, and I want to spend some quality time with him. If I do not feel any better within the next four weeks, I will consider antidepressants. I despise the idea. I am beginning to feel like a head case. I am not sure if it is pride, the stigma attached, or me being hard on myself, but it does not appeal to me.

Thank you both.
 
Part I

I am exhausted, but I am happier than I have been in the past several weeks. Last week was non-stop. I had no time to be depressed. Monday and Tuesday were normal. Wednesday, my oldest and I went to Matauri Bay, New Zealand, for the night. I wanted to take one night and focus on her. The overnight stay afforded us the opportunity to talk, bond, and laugh at the silliest things. I enjoyed just talking to my daughter.

She wanted a family dinner with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on the actual day of her birthday. Planning her birthday dinner was not as simple as calling a local burger joint and informing them that x amount of guests would be attending. She loves Pinterest, so she knew exactly what she wanted and how she wanted everything to look. She is detail-oriented like me. (I care about and notice things like skulls on martini glasses or the patterns of Swarovski crystals on napkin holders that match the patterns on the plates.) We had to hire an event planner and a venue to accommodate at least 50-75 people, but it was no easy feat. The per head or minimum spend rates for some of the restaurants here were eye-watering. It was a 15 year old's birthday dinner. Not a wedding reception or corporate party! The venue she ultimately chose was perfect. They did have a minimum spend amount for their private room, but we surpassed it because we had 70 people present. I love when the two families get together and get on well. The dinner was filled with laughter, good times, and memories that will be cherished forever. More importantly, everyone was there to help celebrate her first birthday with our family.

Friday was the night of the party for her friends. She wanted it to be all about celebrating life and having fun. She was like, "Mum, we have to have good food, a candy bar or dessert table, a hot DJ, plenty of space to dance, ice sculptures, lighting, mocktails, gift bags, and fireworks." :rolleyes: She attends an all girls school, but word spread to the brother school and other schools. It was like an under 18 club. Surprisingly, there were no fights, foolishness, or drama. Everyone did well.

My grandmother listened to the lyrics of one song, and I swear she was about to turn colours, clutch pearls, and/or faint. She was like, "Lizzy, what did he just say? He is going to knock WHAT out like what?!" The lyrics were something along the lines of "knocking the pussy out like fight night." Gasp worthy lyrics at any rate. I am used to listening to rap/hip hop, so I know it is nothing clean. Apparently, Iggy Azalea is popular with the teens. They went bananas when any of her songs were played. Would I let my five year old listen to music like that? No, but there is no sense in shielding my oldest. I do wish someone would have warned me about the way teens dance. Perhaps this is why I have yet to volunteer to chaperone any balls or formals at my daughter's school. There was more grinding and twerking going on. I am like, "How in the bloody hell do you twerk in a dress?" Madness.

My daughter asked that guests donate to a list of charities instead of spending their money on gifts for her. She did the A to Z's of national and lesser known charities. She was like, "Mum, there are very few people who do not know someone who has had Alzheimer's, breast cancer, leukaemia, diabetes, etc. There is someone in the world who can use that money more than me." In addition to the charities, she also had a drive for the local food bank because, "No one should have to go hungry." :)

Relaxation was a long way off after Thursday and Friday. In the wee hours of the morning, my mum, SILs, MIL, and youngest daughter, accompanied her and a group of her friends to Byron Bay. She really wanted to attend Splendour in the Grass. Now, my husband was originally supposed to come, but he was like, "Stay at home, sleep late, watch what I want, and watch one kid vs. screaming, hormonal, angsty teenagers talking about a chap who's soooo ace. Love you. See you on Sunday." We stayed in Byron Bay and commuted to the Parklands. I was not up for camping on the grounds. The concerts were awesome. I treated the girls to manicures and pedicures at our favourite nail salon. We made it into a girls weekend. They only had interest in one act on Sunday: Sam Smith. After he got off the stage, we floored it to the airport. Where are the warnings that come with adolescents? I had a very enjoyable weekend, but I could not wait to hand them off to their parents on Sunday. They were not going to get knocked up, drunk, pierced, tatted up, or be featured on some knockoff of Girls Gone Wild on my watch. For some of them, this past weekend was their first taste of freedom, and it showed. Boy, did it ever?!

I spent Sunday night snuggled up in front of a cosy fire with a bottle of chilled wine and my dashing hubby. All I wanted was to lay in his arms, listen to his heartbeat, and close my eyes.

I am glad the birthday extravaganza is over. I am thrilled that she was able to celebrate with our loved ones. I am proud of her for being selfless and wanting to make her special day about helping others. I suppose we are doing something right when it comes to raising her to have humility and to be selfless and aware of the world around her. She knows that she has been blessed, and she wants to give back.
 
Part II

Mr. Grey (formerly known as Matt) and I have been "closed" for almost a year. We made the decision to formally close on my 33rd birthday last year. Legally, it was not implemented until negotiations for the new postnup were complete, but we made the decision on the evening of my birthday. I wrote about it on here a few days after the decision came down.

I wrote the following on 06/08/2013:

We had one of the most in-depth heart to hearts, and it was how we came to the decision to simply be in a closed, married polyship. It is with the understanding that I will not act on anything. I am committed to just us. I am free to talk to him about that side of my life without him expressing discontentment or acting like it is a pain in his bum. We have a healthy relationship structure. Poly will not consume our lives like it has in the past. It is a happy medium. He is mono, and I guess I am poly-friendly. That is about as superficial of a label as I desire. I am just happy that he accepts me and acknowledges that my views may not be cookie cutter traditional. The best part of our new happy medium is that he has no desire to change me in to what he thinks I should be.

Closing was not something that I took lightly. Even with a significant structure change, I do not and will not identify as mono. I eschew most labels. I simply say that my saturation point just happens to be one. Why am I writing about this now? It is almost time to renew our postnuptial agreement. The infidelity-esque clause is still in it, and it will continue to be.

The past year and a half was rife with the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. It was the worst kind of emotional rollercoaster. Days where we were not on speaking terms. Days where divorce was closer than anyone could have ever imagined. Days that started and ended with tears. Days where being in the same room was too painful and hard. Days where I cried so much that no more tears would fall. We have had days where looking at each other was impossible. Days where the friendship we spent years building was not within reach. We are in this together. I love Mr. Grey. My heart still falls for him just as hard as when I was 19. I am almost 34. There is no other man for me. In the 15 years I have known him, no other man has ever caught my attention. The moment we met caused a reaction that has ultimately resulted in what is going to be a lifelong attachment.

This time last year, Mr. Grey was a stranger, and I wanted him to make his way back to me some kind of way. Was closing the marriage a last bid? No, I made the decision strongly based on the fact that I was--at that point--struggling to keep one relationship from sinking. I accepted that maintaining two was out of the question and quite possibly the most unattainable idea known to mankind. He never asked me to take dating off the table. I took it off the table completely and asked for it to be implemented legally. He was brought into the loop after my decision was made. I presented it to him, and his request was that it should go both ways. Even without the realisation that one was my saturation point, what I thought I wanted was not what I necessarily needed.

I am happy with one person. My saturation was two because that was what I thought I had time for. Pffft. Not even. I was not happy with two because I could not handle two. If you are not happy with something, why not try something different? I have heard people say that one person cannot meet all of your needs. I agree with that wholeheartedly. Thus, I have friends, interests of my own, and people that do not have to be romantically or sexually affiliated with me to meet my needs. I have more needs than those in the bedroom. I had two relationships, and I felt empty because I was too burned out to enjoy them. Plus, I only wanted and cared about one of them. I neglected that one to tend to the one I had no fucks to give about. I wore myself out trying to keep up with appearances. When a relationship becomes a source of unhappiness, constant work, and discontentment...it needs to go.

Will my interest in poly ever return? As time progresses, I think I know the answer. I have to wonder, "What would a new relationship bring to my life? What would it take away from my life? What would it take away from my family? What would I have to give up or sacrifice to have it? Are those sacrifices worth it? Is a new relationship worth losing my marriage?" He has made no secret that a new relationship automatically means the end of our marriage. Even without his recent assertion, I had already weighed what would be taken away, and it will never be worth it.

A year on, and I am still taking stock.
 
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Mr Grey, now, is it? As in 50 Shades of?
 
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