Mono People.

You have too many negatives. What are you talking about?

Canceling negatives out gives us:
I wonder how many people who actually reject this: If they were afraid to declare that they are going to live a certain way just because it is acceptable to many other people

That's more or less basic human behavior; being afraid of social stigma and rejection. Are you saying, "I wonder how many people aren't afraid of social stigma and rejection"?

I posit as a WAG 1% of the population, maybe 5%. Everyone else does care because as a society there are in fact social mores and social laws and social values. You even use the term 'Family Values', implying you have social constraints too.

You understand my points, but your conclusions are mostly incorrect.~ In my thread "Family Values" I question the meaning and role of such words in U.S.A. society and media.~

Re (from london):


Hmmm. Logic then dictates that you should ask this someone for their take on poly sometime before you actually bond with them. Does that help to narrow it down to some kind of a time frame?

That said, if it was me I'd mention in my profile that first of all I was poly, and secondly, that anyone interested should be willing to state early on what their take on poly is. Then they can't say I blindsided them when I ask them early on to state their position. If they've read my profile which, as we all know, if they haven't, they're probably not looking for much of a relationship anyway. Though maybe they can still score points if their messages are thoughtful enough.

I think it's reasonable knowing someone's position on poly before actually dating them, especially if interaction with them starts on OKC with messages going back and forth.

Re (from SchrodingersCat):


Sounds like an even better idea.

Some monogamous dates will be thinking, "This poly thing is just a phase that she'll outgrow when she sees how much better I love her." And then your responses meet up with their confirmation bias and they just become more and more sure of it. Which is how some monogamists become cowboys (or cowgirls). They are "rescuing" you from polyamory (and from a bad relationship). This type of thing is hard to weed out and you really have to stay on top of it.

Just some musings here and there,
Kevin T.

Well said.~
 
As a "mono" married guy that fell for a "poly" married woman I have to say that I probably wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't trade the time I've had with my girlfriend for anything but its just so hard to form and maintain a relationship when dealing with such a limited schedule. Not all her fault as when the relationship started I was the one with the very limited schedule but now that mine has opened up hers has gotten to the point where I'm not sure it's even worth it. The whole scheduling thing that you have to deal with to be in a poly relationship may just not be for me.

My feelings exactly.

I never would have agreed to this had I not known him and felt the attraction between us to begin with. I'll even say I think he and his wife 'do poly' better than 99% of what I've seen online, as far as people having problems and issues. They have virtually no rules, no limitations.

But the fact is, this is a relationship that isn't going anywhere. When it comes to the big stuff in life, I'm on my own. Yeah, I enjoy his company, but I, too, have long since begun to wonder is it worth it.

So here's another mono saying I would never, ever date a poly person again.
 
My feelings exactly.

I never would have agreed to this had I not known him and felt the attraction between us to begin with. I'll even say I think he and his wife 'do poly' better than 99% of what I've seen online, as far as people having problems and issues. They have virtually no rules, no limitations.

But the fact is, this is a relationship that isn't going anywhere. When it comes to the big stuff in life, I'm on my own. Yeah, I enjoy his company, but I, too, have long since begun to wonder is it worth it.

So here's another mono saying I would never, ever date a poly person again.
Yeah, my girlfriend and her husband do the whole poly thing very well. Problem is all the other things that come with being married, kids, families and things of that nature. The relationship I can have with her is very limited.

At the end of the day I have to say that it is a relationship that isn't going anywhere.
 
You understand my points, but your conclusions are mostly incorrect.~ In my thread "Family Values" I question the meaning and role of such words in U.S.A. society and media.~

Impossible.

My conclusions cannot be incorrect. If the word 'Family Values' can have as many meanings as the word 'polyamory', then my conclusions are mine.

Your conclusion is incorrect; the correct conclusion would be, 'Your conclusion differs'

Let me revisit the post since you affirm that I understand the points.
I wonder how many people who actually reject this: if they weren't afraid to declare that they are not going to live a certain way just because it is acceptable to many other people.

You agreed then to my rewording:
I wonder how many people who actually reject this: If they were afraid to declare that they are going to live a certain way just because it is acceptable to many other people.

You think my conclusion is wrong, that many people don't reject this of social stigma and rejection?

From your Family Values thread we get the notion that you believe there is no common rubric for family values, but that doesn't mean you, I, and others don't have them.

See, here's the thing; it's oft said in this forum that communication and agreement and negotiation is the basic fabric of a polyamorous fabric. That's the only way it works even in a monogamous relationship! However, society isn't structured to run that way. We have developed over the course of several thousand years multiple signaling and encoded messages as part of a social fabric.

1) The way you talk
2) The way you move
3) The way you dress
4) The things you own
5) The things you do
6) The places you frequent
7) The people you know
8) The places you've been
9) The way you act

You can choose to reject it if you wish, but it isn't as if you aren't aware of these things, and for many people it is an efficient short-hand communication technique. Need help in a store? Look for logos, colored outfits, and uniforms. Need to find a teacher at a school? Look for a specific level of dress (the parents are either dressier or less dressy).

Even at work the concept of a dress code signals the social status of the workers (suits and ties, business casual, casual, etc). Our entire culture then embeds multiple layers of these messages in our lives, media, etc.

So the fact that you see people at Target in red shirts->Afraid of social stigmas. You see people at Lowes with aprons ->Afraid of social stigma. You see people at an office in office-wear ->Afraid of social stigma.

You see parents at schools not wearing slippers & bathrobe ->Afraid of social stigma. You see teachers at school also not wearing yoga pants & tank top ->Afraid of social stigma

Or, at the least, they are aware of the social stigmas and play along because they are afraid of the consequences of social stigma.
 
Yeah, my girlfriend and her husband do the whole poly thing very well. Problem is all the other things that come with being married, kids, families and things of that nature. The relationship I can have with her is very limited.

At the end of the day I have to say that it is a relationship that isn't going anywhere.


I have to admit, reading this really broke my heart. I actually linked my bf to it right away and we had a long discussion about it. The LAST thing I would want is for him to feel that I am somehow holding him back or in a relationship that will go nowhere.

Also the stigma that a poly dating a mono is useless bothers me too. In the end, what bf and I came up with as far as a conclusion is that he doesnt' feel the same way. So at least there's that. Not all mono men feel like it's a relationship that will go nowhere. No, we won't be getting married and we won't be having kids together. Truth is, that's just because of where we both are right now. Anyone I date, male or female, won't be having kids with me.

He knows though, that I will be part of his life and will happily help and spoil his and his wife's kids! So yes, he will marry someone else, have kids with someone else, but that doesn't mean that OUR relationship will go nowhere! It means it's not THAT relationship.
 
I have to admit, reading this really broke my heart. I actually linked my bf to it right away and we had a long discussion about it. The LAST thing I would want is for him to feel that I am somehow holding him back or in a relationship that will go nowhere.

Also the stigma that a poly dating a mono is useless bothers me too. In the end, what bf and I came up with as far as a conclusion is that he doesnt' feel the same way. So at least there's that. Not all mono men feel like it's a relationship that will go nowhere. No, we won't be getting married and we won't be having kids together. Truth is, that's just because of where we both are right now. Anyone I date, male or female, won't be having kids with me.

He knows though, that I will be part of his life and will happily help and spoil his and his wife's kids! So yes, he will marry someone else, have kids with someone else, but that doesn't mean that OUR relationship will go nowhere! It means it's not THAT relationship.

I'm curious if either you or your boyfriend feel that your relationship is going somewhere (and if so, where?) or if it's more that neither of you cares if it just stays exactly as it is right now.

Is he mono? Does he plan on continuing to see you when he meets someone else and marries someone else?
 
I guess a lot of it depends on what you mean by going somewhere. Do you look at all your relationships, your friends, your family, and HAVE to know where it will end up?

Both Hubby and BF identify as mono. BF for a long time didn't really mention our relationship too in depth because of deep religious ties with his family and community. Over the last six months that has drastically changed and he's just open now about it all.

We've discussed him dating and marrying and while I've always said I will back off, step aside, whatever is necessary for him to foster the kind of relationship he wants with another woman, he's now of the mind that when he meets a woman he wants to date, if it's meant to get to the point of marriage that I will be accepted as part of his life. As he stated: "and whoever I marry will be ok with you in my life, because she loves me , so she will love my family and friends."

I think we are both more flexible in how things come without this idea that if he dates things will stay EXACTLY THE SAME for the two of us. People change, life changes, relationships change. It's that way for my husband and I too. There are times you are more NRE infused, and times you are more comfortable and content. There are times you want to spend every moment together, and times a little distance is nice. Being honest and up front is the big thing, and knowing that how someone else feels isn't someone else's FAULT. That's what gets us through and will get us through.

I will be part of his life. If it's not always as a lover or a girlfriend then that is fine, but I will be, and he will be part of mine, of ours.

So we see it going somewhere, we see it continuing and growing and changing and just aren't so worried about it fitting into a specific formula to be considered a relationship or successful.
 
At the end of the day I have to say that it is a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

But the fact is, this is a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

Where is "anywhere"... and where is "here" in relation to that? Inherent in any statement about a relationship "not going anywhere" is the expectation that there is a goal which should be reached, and that where the relationship is right now is not enough. What expectation does is kill the present moment. And, in reality, the present is all we actually have! So, before discounting a relationship as not being enough, I would ask myself questions about what my relationship gives me right now. Do I feel heard? Do I feel valued? Do I feel respected? If things are good with how my relationships are now, why should I negate that by wishing they are different, ie., "going somewhere?" And why does some fantasy about the future hold more value to me than what is in my life right now?
 
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Where is "anywhere"... and where is "here" in relation to that? Inherent in any statement about a relationship "not going anywhere" is the expectation that there is a goal which should be reached, and that where the relationship is right now is not enough. What expectation does is kill the present moment. And, in reality, the present is all we actually have! So, before discounting a relationship as not being enough, I would ask myself questions about what my relationship gives me right now. Do I feel heard? Do I feel valued? Do I feel respected? If things are good with how my relationships are now, why should I negate that by wishing they are different, ie., "going somewhere?" And why does some fantasy about the future hold more value to me than what is in my life right now?

I agree with this. I, myself, prefer to NOT plan out what a relationship is supposed to look like and let it grow, unfettered, into whatever shape it takes.

...and yet...I do have goals and aspirations in my life (financial security, early retirement, travel, etc) and if certain people in my life (aka my husband and my boyfriend) take up those goals and aspirations as their own (and I theirs) then that adds another dimension to our relationship(s). We find ourselves planning a future together, shaping our lives to accommodate these shared ideas.

But, by not having expectations about where a relationship is supposed to go ... we leave the opportunity open for a relationship to "go" anywhere.

JaneQ
 
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I like the idea of dating a mono person who ultimately wants a mono relationship with the understanding that when they meet that person, you'll transition to a friendship.

In reality, I don't think many mono partners would be cool with their partner and you still having a close relationship, especially because you'd still be poly and they'd be worried about their partner reverting to that relationship model and you, the person that offers it.

There's an expectation for people in relationships to have a certain distance with others just so everyone understands their relationship is platonic. Lots of people, even poly people, see no point of keeping up regular contact with an ex. Basically, mono normative culture wouldn't understand the friendship between ex partners who used to be in a poly relationship but now one has gone mono but still wants to be a close friend of their still poly ex. That takes a certain degree of out of the box thinking that I don't believe the average mono person has. Everyone is going to be telling newly mono person that they have to cut ties.
 
Who says a mono/poly relationship can't go somewhere?

Mine keeps going deeper and deeper.

I share a home with Murf. Am I there 24/7? No but in reality it is no worse than being married to someone who travels. If Murf needs me I am there in a heartbeat.

Can we be legally married unfortunately no. Then again I do not gage the validity of a relationship on a piece of paper. We will have a commitment ceremony in the fall. My commitment to Murf its just as great as my commitment to Butch.

As for children if this was a decade ago. I would have easily given Murf kids of his own. Actually I almost did. Last fall had a tubal pregnancy despite having a tubal ligation with my youngest. It was Murf's baby.
The pregnancy with my youngest son almost killed me and him. (he is my 50k kid) Murf would rather have me than a baby and loves my sons as his own. We are both 40 our baby time is over. If life was a bit different I would have given him children of his own.

Financial... Murf and I mingle our finances. I buy the food for that house pitch in for other bills. I have a huge say on big purchases.

I asked Murf if he felt like he is being cheated or our relationship has an end date. He says he loves our relationship and wouldn't change a thing. He likes his solo time. Plus with his work schedule he would feel guilty me being home alone every night. He sleeps all day and only is up an hour before he heads into work.

We are together when he is off work.. That is all he wants. I am perfect for him in every other way. This is the best relationship he ever has had. I am his forever.
 
The concept of a relationship "going somewhere" as if it had a specific destination amused me, given my own recent circumstances. It has become abundantly clear that holding an expectation that a relationship will go somewhere, often defined by some societal norm, is a path to disappointment. And yet, even knowing that, we can be emotionally programmed to feel it necessary that a relationship follow a recognizable path to a goal.

In my own situation, I was part of a polyfi triad that crashed and burned in slow motion. I left a year before my couple separated and filed for divorce. The divorce is still pending after 8 months.

After reconnecting with E, he and I found things totally different. We were both traumatized by the loss, we didn't feel the same toward one another as we had when we were three but we both had expectations that we should feel the same about each other. We knew given the twists and turns our realtionship had endured any expectation was illogical. Yet we both found it very difficult to shed ourselves of them. For me, it felt like giving up the expectations prompted another grieving process - an acknowledgement that we had lost everything. That said, using logic, we kept trying to digging our emotional selves out of the expectation rubble, and eventually succeeded.

We don't know exactly what the future holds for us - except that we will always be a part of one another's lives - but FINALLY letting go of those hopes has allowed us to be present in the moment we are together, to enjoy and appreciate one another without the feeling that whatever our relationship is has to fit a definition and / or play out a certain way.

Now to those who feel their relationships are going nowhere, it may very well be that your relationship is not fulfilling your needs. And that is something that is a valid consideration. It sounds as if you both would prefer to have a live-in partner or at least someone whose time was more readily available to you. Nothing wrong with that. I hope to have that myself at some point. I get the feeling that you feel that your current relationships not only do not provide that to you, but impede you from finding one that will. Something to consider?
 
I used to feel this about my relationship with my bf C, that it 'wasn't going anywhere'. In retrospect, I think what I felt was that we were not on the same page even though we kept telling each other, that we were.

Despite his frequent assertions that he was definitely poly, I think I always felt that he wasn't. He wanted to be, but when he got another gf besides me, it became clear pretty quickly, that he could not be in 2 intimate relationships at the same time. She was single, and mono, and lived near him. I was married, with other partners, lived 2 hours away. No wonder he drifted away.. he is now monogamous with her.

When I started dating again I was very cautious. At first I thought I should only date men who really identify as poly.Then I thought but that's what C did, and look what happened! No guarantees, ever.

So now I'm dating a guy who has zero experience with poly, and he's open to it, and we'll see where that goes.
 
. . . I don't think many mono partners would be cool with their partner and you still having a close relationship, especially because you'd still be poly and they'd be worried about their partner reverting to that relationship model and you, the person that offers it.

There's an expectation for people in relationships to have a certain distance with others just so everyone understands their relationship is platonic. Lots of people, even poly people, see no point of keeping up regular contact with an ex. Basically, mono normative culture wouldn't understand the friendship between ex partners who used to be in a poly relationship but now one has gone mono but still wants to be a close friend of their still poly ex. That takes a certain degree of out of the box thinking that I don't believe the average mono person has. Everyone is going to be telling newly mono person that they have to cut ties.
I disagree. Most of the people I know are monogamous and many of them have remained friends with exes, and whether the exes are single, partnered, mono, or poly really has no bearing on the maintaining of a friendship. All mono people are not automatically narrow-minded, insecure, or less evolved than polyfolk just because they choose to have only one partner at a time.
 
My ex-MIL remained not only friendly with, but remained business partners with, her ex-husband for YEARS. She and her BF of over 20 years go to events hosted by her ex's family, and her ex's family is welcome at her events as well.

It's not unheard of among mono folks.
 
My mum has a good relationship with both my sister's dad who she has been split from for 30 years and my dad who she split from 27 years ago. People always find that strange. People find it strange that I'm cool with my son's dad. That's why I think it's not usually mono behaviour.
 
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