Hi Bangel,
I just read back through your entire thread. I used to be in your wife's position. Now I am in yours. The thread reads completely different now that I can relate to your feelings, too!
I am devastated by my husband falling in love with another woman. Now I'm feeling all the feelings you have, Bangel!
I love this forum. It helps so much to read the other side of things, how people in similar positions as you, OR your partner, are feeling.
I even gave my 2-cents way, way back in your journey -- ADVICE I SHOULD/CAN NOW BE TAKING, MYSELF. Bizarre. Funny how my name here is carma -- now "karma" is coming back to me.
You say you have moved out. We are semi-separated too -- my husband is staying away from the house 2 nights a week now. I stay away 3 nights (I work nights). The other 2 nights are uncomfortable and full of tension. The nights he is away, I have relief, but I am grieving, very deeply. It also eats me up, knowing he is spending those nights away with HER. I read on your post that your moving out has caused her to go to a therapist, get on medication, and realize she doesn't want her family to know. These seem like wonderful signs of hope. My husband, on the other hand, has shut down on me, now that he is with his girlfriend more. He stood me up for our counseling appointment, and refuses to take the time to communicate with me (unless it's lying about her -- which is part of why our communication was cut off, by me, in the first place). I see you say she has lied, too, about the sexual nature of her relationship with the other man. For me, it's the lying that has caused the most damage in our relationship, by far. I hope the counselor can help you cut through some of that.
I'm interested to see how things go for you. I appreciate you sharing your story here, and I am hoping you will find the peace and love you are seeking. It looks like you are really on the right track.
You asked how to make the pain stop. One thing I've found that helps, is sharing it with others. That seems to dilute it, when there are others who care, who empathize, and in some weird way, through their compassion, take some of it and carry it for you. You're not alone, B. All of us here who have struggled with love and all its mysteries, who look for solutions to the most hopeless situations, who are brave enough to be honest and real with themselves and others -- we're here, too. Hurting with you. We'll be smiling when your situation improves, too.
Don't give up.