New and Scared

... like if they just got the right information they'd be able to adapt to the change is not really respectful of who they are.

Which is what I expressly did *not* say. I added that after looking into it, the unchanged partner has the option to end the relationship.

To me it's similar to being told I'm polyamorous because I can't commit and if I just read enough about monogamy and saw the benefits, I could be happily monogamous for my partner.

And I don't think it would take me very long in reading up on monogamy to realize that's not something I could do, and not an expectation I could have in my relationship. :)

Um, you don't have to read up on the benefits of monogamy, since it is our society's default and its supposed benefits are in our faces as soon as we pop out of our mothers' vaginas. You really can't compare the two.
 
Which is what I expressly did *not* say. I added that after looking into it, the unchanged partner has the option to end the relationship.



Um, you don't have to read up on the benefits of monogamy, since it is our society's default and its supposed benefits are in our faces as soon as we pop out of our mothers' vaginas. You really can't compare the two.

Sorry I was unclear again! I did not think or mean to imply that you said that. It's jus a feeling I get from some people when theyre talking to a mono persson whose partner has introduced poly ino the relationship. So sorry about that mixup.

I guess you could say monOgamy Is automatic however it never was that way for me. My home was very bohemian and hippyish and there was always a "there's tons of ways to live life" vibe so it has not been my experience. Though I do see your point.
 
Um, you don't have to read up on the benefits of monogamy, since it is our society's default and its supposed benefits are in our faces as soon as we pop out of our mothers' vaginas.
Well, even though monogamy is the expectation of Western society, judging by the number of books out there on how to make conventional marriages and relationships work, apparently we do need to read about it, a lot!
 
Well I have moved out temporarly. I needed time to sort through my feelings and wants and needs. It is funny that now that I am not there I feel more alone and want her even more. My moving out has caused her to have a break down and sent her to a counsler and now she is on an anxiety med. We did go out on a date last Saturday night which led me to stay the whole weekend. We had to go to the cottage with her parents on Sunday and we needed to keep up the illusion that I did not move out. She does not want her parents to know. She is very upset that I moved out, so am I. I have not been able to sleep at all since I have moved out. The mind will not stop for a second. Now that I am not there what is happening? I did find out that they have taken their relationship to a more physical place than I was told. I cannot stand lying. I have asked her numerous times where they were and she told me just holding hands. Come to find out it was alot farther than that. How do I trust her? Is she hiding anything else? I am so torn right now with anger and love for her. God I love this woman, I cannot see my life with out her in it. Her smile and laugh, the way her hair moves when she tilts her head to listen to what I am saying. Her lovely Sunflower colored eyes. Her soft skin. Everything about her screams to me "I LOVE YOU". My heart aches for her and being away from her is the most painful thing I have had to endure next to her falling in love with someone else. HOW DO I MAKE THE PAIN STOP?
 
Bangel, I am so sorry you are hurting worse than ever. Finding out she was lying about the degree of sexual contact really sucks. Loving someone but not trusting them is a real relationship killer.

Your moving out was natural consequences of her lies. Meanwhile, you can work on stopping feeling like a victim by asking yourself, "How did I get her to do this to me?"

How to make the pain stop? I don't think you can. But you can lessen it just a bit by venting here and with your therapist.

*hugs*
 
I don't think you can stop the pain that these situations bring. However I do know something about sleep deprivation. And the less sleep the more intense the pain feels. This situation with 3-4 hr of broken sleep will feel way, way different than 6-8 of normal sleep...this I know. I found keeping the tv or radio on as background noise distracted my brain enough to sleep for 2-3 hrs at a stretch....build on that.


I also wouldn't participate in any deception or lies with family members ...if she wants to that's fine and her choice but I'd want my hands clean.


Good luck D
 
Dh has a very important point. Scientifically, they've shown that when you're "depleted" -- tired, hungry, our just worn out from making too many draining decisions or doing things you don't want to do -- emotions, both good and bad, are felt more intensely and your self-control is less. Make sure you're focused foremost on taking care of yourself.
 
I'm so sorry Bangel. I know something of that pain and have caused it also. I'm so glad you are feeling free to come here to express your self.
 
Thanks and support

Thank you, Bangel for sharing your journey with us. It helps to know, from you, and others, that this process can be difficult and painful. It seems that you have done all the work and soulsearching to be honest with yourself, but the success stories here seem to be from those where each partner does at least some work. I appreciate the depth of your love and selfsacrifice.

I think few of us know the outcome of today, much less the future, but eventually we all receive the reward that comes from learning about ourselves.
 
Hi Bangel,
I just read back through your entire thread. I used to be in your wife's position. Now I am in yours. The thread reads completely different now that I can relate to your feelings, too!

I am devastated by my husband falling in love with another woman. Now I'm feeling all the feelings you have, Bangel!

I love this forum. It helps so much to read the other side of things, how people in similar positions as you, OR your partner, are feeling.

I even gave my 2-cents way, way back in your journey -- ADVICE I SHOULD/CAN NOW BE TAKING, MYSELF. Bizarre. Funny how my name here is carma -- now "karma" is coming back to me.

You say you have moved out. We are semi-separated too -- my husband is staying away from the house 2 nights a week now. I stay away 3 nights (I work nights). The other 2 nights are uncomfortable and full of tension. The nights he is away, I have relief, but I am grieving, very deeply. It also eats me up, knowing he is spending those nights away with HER. I read on your post that your moving out has caused her to go to a therapist, get on medication, and realize she doesn't want her family to know. These seem like wonderful signs of hope. My husband, on the other hand, has shut down on me, now that he is with his girlfriend more. He stood me up for our counseling appointment, and refuses to take the time to communicate with me (unless it's lying about her -- which is part of why our communication was cut off, by me, in the first place). I see you say she has lied, too, about the sexual nature of her relationship with the other man. For me, it's the lying that has caused the most damage in our relationship, by far. I hope the counselor can help you cut through some of that.

I'm interested to see how things go for you. I appreciate you sharing your story here, and I am hoping you will find the peace and love you are seeking. It looks like you are really on the right track.

You asked how to make the pain stop. One thing I've found that helps, is sharing it with others. That seems to dilute it, when there are others who care, who empathize, and in some weird way, through their compassion, take some of it and carry it for you. You're not alone, B. All of us here who have struggled with love and all its mysteries, who look for solutions to the most hopeless situations, who are brave enough to be honest and real with themselves and others -- we're here, too. Hurting with you. We'll be smiling when your situation improves, too. :) Don't give up.
 
Carma,
I have been reading your thread as well on your situation and feel for you. Thank you for you kind words and I hope for you that you will also find reselution and happiness. I believe the right love is out there for all of us. We just need to keep looking.
 
Another long week in the life of Bangel. The wife ( will call her J ) anf I got together this weekend and had a pretty good time. Sunday was alittle emotional for both of us. Suppose to go to my mother's to watch football but she was to nervous and afraid she would get upset to go. We talked on the phone last night for about an hour. I asked her why she felt she needed to lie to me about the progress of their relationship and she told me she was afraid I would leave her if she told me the truth. She does not want to hurt me, even though this is hurting me. I told her I loved her and that I was there for her even if I was not there physically right now. She said she was caught off gaurd that I moved out and said she admired my courage. It woke her up and realized how important I am to her now that I am not there. I guess it is true that you don't appreceiate what you have until it is gone. It is not easy not living at home. I miss her deeply, and I know she misses me.
 
DH,
The sleep is still hard to come by. Only getting about 2 to 3 hours a night.

As for the visits we both agree on them. I know it may sound a little silly but we both still want to be with each other. Me not being home is hard for her and she wants to be able to see me. Might not be the greatest idea but it is mutual. I guess the other side of the coin would be she now has the best of both worlds, being able to see him whenevere she wants and still being able to see me as well. Although our visits are never long and few an far between. We do try to make the best of it. MAybe she is trying to figure out who she wants to be with. We do need to start talking about the situation and finding a solution. What ever that maybe.
 
Bangel,

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I admire your courage, too! Hang in there! Oh -- and GET SOME SLEEP, DAMMIT!!!
 
I can understand sleep being hard, especially with anxiety and some sadness.

I've found that L-theanine (I get a supplement) helps with anxiety a bit. I also take a few things before bed to help-- melatonin, valerian root and a herbal sleeping aid called "calms forte". The melatonin and calmes forte help with falling asleep, the valerian helps to keep you asleep.

It doesn't always work, and sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night for a couple of hours with racing thoughts, but then I go back to sleep. And hey, 6 hours of split sleep is better than 2-3.

Oh, and valerian root works great, but it smells (and kinda tastes) like dirty sweat socks so hold your nose!!
 
Well here we are at Christmas and the talk of couple counseling has come up. I agreed almost instantly, we started to talk again about the situation. We had not talked about it for almost a month now but since Christmas is coming she felt the need to tell me that he would be there Xmas morning to open gifts. Not totally excited about it but I will deal with it and not make any comotion about it. I have tried to get him to hang out but he does not join us. I am trying to find common ground here. Trying to make everyone comfortable at least for the holiday's. She has told me that she now feels like she has to choose between us. I told her I was sorry for putting her in this position. I have been told that maybe I am too nice, that I don't stand up for myself. Well here I am standing up for myself and I think they are having a hard time with this. I did move back in to the house with them and I guess Iam rocking the boat with this move back. The wife is torn between spending time with me and him. I do have a hard time with them spending time with each other with no decision being made. Not knowing what is going on and also knowing that they have lied to me about where there relationship has gotten too. Are they still moving forward or has there been a stop until things are figured out?

I find it hard to be happy and jovial with all of our lives being in the air right now. I do try to keep things as lite as I can but sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I see the sadness in her and it hurts me as well. Not sure what will happen but keeping an open heart and mind.
 
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